I am so tired

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've been reading this board for years. I have seen and felt the anguish. I have been married for 31 years to a aman with BPD. I have known for at least 4 years and he just got the diagnosis last Dec... .right before Christmas of course. I have read all the books, seen all the info videos, talked to all the doctors and I just don't know how long I can remain emotionally invested. I'm tired, my kids are tired, although they are much more accepting than I. I saw him flip again tonight while talking to a coworker, he claims to have heard "new information" about what another coworker had said, but he told me weeks ago about the same thing. I am often, if not always who he turns his anger and frustrations on... .he texted me this morning telling me he was jealous of the affection I showed to our dog last night... .just an example. Another example is our son has a friend over for the weekend and I ordered Pizza because there is no food in the house, he left the pizza place because I placed the order and headed home before it was ready, texted me and told me to NEVER do that to him again, he went to the store and got stuff to make hamburgers claiming it was more practical? Honest to God, my head is spinning and there is a big part of me who hates this illness and what it has done to  me dealing with it for so many years. Sad part is, I stayed home raising our children and I need his income to survive... .I kinda feel like a very old whore. My kids have begged me to leave, I have a couple of friends who love me no matter what, but they don't understand why I stay, the other friends I have made have all gotten frustrated with hearing my sad story over and over and over, they eventually leave. I'm just so tired... .in my perfect imaginary world, I would find a place I could afford and live the rest of my life in a lonely peace... .preferably close to the beach and a bottle of wine on a Friday night. I have read all the advice, and have gone through trying almost all of the suggestions, I just feel stuck and hopeless... .My husband has had 2 doctors give up on trying to treat him and the last one recommended Intensive outpatient thearapy, which he quit after a few weeks. My oldest son said he thinks he is just tired of fighting to be better... .I tend to believe he is right, but where does that leave me?

[wait.what?]

I've been reading this board for years. I have seen and felt the anguish. I have been married for 31 years to a aman with BPD. I have known for at least 4 years and he just got the diagnosis last Dec... .right before Christmas of course. I have read all the books, seen all the info videos, talked to all the doctors and I just don't know how long I can remain emotionally invested. I'm tired, my kids are tired, although they are much more accepting than I. I saw him flip again tonight while talking to a coworker, he claims to have heard "new information" about what another coworker had said, but he told me weeks ago about the same thing. I am often, if not always who he turns his anger and frustrations on... .he texted me this morning telling me he was jealous of the affection I showed to our dog last night... .just an example. Another example is our son has a friend over for the weekend and I ordered Pizza because there is no food in the house, he left the pizza place because I placed the order and headed home before it was ready, texted me and told me to NEVER do that to him again, he went to the store and got stuff to make hamburgers claiming it was more practical? Honest to God, my head is spinning and there is a big part of me who hates this illness and what it has done to  me dealing with it for so many years. Sad part is, I stayed home raising our children and I need his income to survive... .I kinda feel like a very old whore. My kids have begged me to leave, I have a couple of friends who love me no matter what, but they don't understand why I stay, the other friends I have made have all gotten frustrated with hearing my sad story over and over and over, they eventually leave. I'm just so tired... .in my perfect imaginary world, I would find a place I could afford and live the rest of my life in a lonely peace... .preferably close to the beach and a bottle of wine on a Friday night. I have read all the advice, and have gone through trying almost all of the suggestions, I just feel stuck and hopeless... .My husband has had 2 doctors give up on trying to treat him and the last one recommended Intensive outpatient thearapy, which he quit after a few weeks. My oldest son said he thinks he is just tired of fighting to be better... .I tend to believe he is right, but where does that leave me?

[Washisheart]

Although I have been with mine only a fraction of the time you have yours (6.5 years), I can totally relate. I'm tired of nothing being good enough. I'm tired of sacrificing myself to make him happy when he appreciates NOTHING I do. I could give him my right leg and he will complain I don't take care of him if I choose to keep my left. His outbursts over  redundantness are getting old. He only calls me to complain. He ruins my moods even when we aren't physically together. The house is clean, he flies off the handle its filthy & we are disgusting pigs, I cook every night, he refuses to eat it because it's not what he wants. Sadly, he wasn't alwats line this, I almost miss the 2 years he pretended things were perfect when I fell for him believing he was this amazing man. Only to find out he talked trash behind my back (found out way after the fact). I'm tired of the rude ignorant things he says. Sometimes I wish he would find someone else, because if I make the escape again I'm not going back. But I love him & there are so many things I love about him. I just really can't take it anymore

[letmeout]

Talking trash about you behind your back is very common for a BPD person to do. I also felt trapped with my ex. What got me unstuck was going to our local women's abuse center for free counseling.

BPD people are mentally abusive by their very nature, therefore the abuse centers will counsel anyone who is associated with that type of partner.

It took me 2 yrs of counseling once a month to finally get it through my head that I didn't have to live with that anymore! What shocked me the most was realizing that he never loved me at all. His disorders made him need someone to abuse and control. 

No Contact after you leave is very important.  I was married 35 years, and getting away from my ex was the best decision I ever made.

I may be poor because he got all the money, but I have happiness and peace whereas he will always be miserable.

[Washisheart]

That's what really gets me. That he doesn't love me. REALLY love me. The type of love they are incapable of, or ATLEAST seem to be

[Smileypants]

I feel trapped too.  And to top it all off an unplanned pregnancy.  So now I'm pregnant and miserable.  My kids are miserable.  So tired of being accused of being up this and that, being told how stupid I am,  being made to account for every single second of my day, I feel beat down.  The only progress I've made is I have stopped hiding the abuse.  I tell my kids school about his diagnosis because my kids are having behavior problems. I told the social worker at my OB's office.  She referred me to a support group for abused women.  I hope I can follow through with going.  Feel so depressed and anxious. 

[Washisheart]

Yes it's amazing how "stupid" everyone around them is. I just got told that he can see why I was single when we met because I'm so annoying. Because we have spent NO tine together over a 3 day weekend & we work opposite shifts all week so I wanted to spend a lite time. Why do I bother? Seriously? Why? I don't get it.

[letmeout]

Trying to make them love and care about us back. That is all I could figure out at least. We wanted to feel loved by someone who isn't capable of it. Have you ever noticed that the only time they 'fake' love is when they want something? It took me years to figure that one out, but I gobbled it up like it was real.

Once you get conditioned to their ways, its hard to think normal again too.