BPD Ex-partner won’t give me space to breathe and to move on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi,

First post here, and I’m in need of some advice in terms of my now ex girlfriend, who suffers from BPD, who I was in a rocky relationship with for only a few months, but still continues to contact me frequently and disrespects boundaries that I have set post breakup.

We were in a relationship for only a few months but I feel that we went through a lot that most people wouldn’t in a whole lifetime, but I always came worst off when things would happen. After breaking up due to her behaviours, she then attempted to take her life, but also accused me of horrible things that never happened, and after an attempt to restart, we broke things off for good.

During a period of a few weeks where we tried to be friends, she consistently would try to get me back into the relationship, and when I declined, restated I’d rather be friends, this was met with anger and a further suicide threat. I called the police for a welfare check, but she then told them that I had sexually assaulted and raped her. After having to be interviewed about this and then going no contact for several weeks, she got back in touch to tell me she was pregnant, we resumed contact. After a hasty miscarriage, and continuing disrespect towards me, my new relationship and family, I have started to cut contact, but I still have a fear of what action she might take if I was to do this. I don’t think I can handle police involvement again, it destroyed me and I don’t want to have that again.

Any advice is appreciated

[Winger-18]

Hi,

First post here, and I’m in need of some advice in terms of my now ex girlfriend, who suffers from BPD, who I was in a rocky relationship with for only a few months, but still continues to contact me frequently and disrespects boundaries that I have set post breakup.

We were in a relationship for only a few months but I feel that we went through a lot that most people wouldn’t in a whole lifetime, but I always came worst off when things would happen. After breaking up due to her behaviours, she then attempted to take her life, but also accused me of horrible things that never happened, and after an attempt to restart, we broke things off for good.

During a period of a few weeks where we tried to be friends, she consistently would try to get me back into the relationship, and when I declined, restated I’d rather be friends, this was met with anger and a further suicide threat. I called the police for a welfare check, but she then told them that I had sexually assaulted and raped her. After having to be interviewed about this and then going no contact for several weeks, she got back in touch to tell me she was pregnant, we resumed contact. After a hasty miscarriage, and continuing disrespect towards me, my new relationship and family, I have started to cut contact, but I still have a fear of what action she might take if I was to do this. I don’t think I can handle police involvement again, it destroyed me and I don’t want to have that again.

Any advice is appreciated

[kells76]

Hi Winger-18 and welcome. You're in a good place to learn about how to protect yourself and move on after a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD).

still continues to contact me frequently and disrespects boundaries that I have set post breakup.

How does she contact you (i.e., email, text, calls, showing up at your work, etc)?

Boundaries can sometimes be misunderstood. Some people say boundaries but mean ultimatums, like "You have to stop doing XYZ!" True boundaries don't require anyone else's cooperation, agreement, or understanding. Take a look at our workshop on Boundaries and values -- I bet we can work together to find some boundaries you have that are under your control.

During a period of a few weeks where we tried to be friends, she consistently would try to get me back into the relationship, and when I declined, restated I’d rather be friends, this was met with anger and a further suicide threat. I called the police for a welfare check, but she then told them that I had sexually assaulted and raped her. After having to be interviewed about this and then going no contact for several weeks, she got back in touch to tell me she was pregnant, we resumed contact. After a hasty miscarriage, and continuing disrespect towards me, my new relationship and family, I have started to cut contact,

If it's any consolation, there is a very real possibility that she wasn't pregnant and didn't miscarry. It could be that she had a deep fear of being alone or abandoned, and based on those feelings, said or did whatever it took to get connected to you again.

I still have a fear of what action she might take if I was to do this. I don’t think I can handle police involvement again, it destroyed me and I don’t want to have that again.

Do you think she would do violent/destructive things towards you or others (keying your car, slashing your tires, vandalism, arson)?

Or is it more the emotional/manipulative side of things that is concerning (smear campaign, stalking, false accusations)?

Does she know where you work?

What does she know about your new relationship?

...

There are ways to get through this -- fill us in a bit more on your situation, and we can walk with you and figure out together a good plan.