Old family friend-turned lover/emotional affair-turned BPD nightmare. Now what?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I prematurely posted what I fear was a FAR too long/improperly categorized 1st effort, so here's my alternative minus a 100 or so relevant facts.  You can read BPD Soap Opera if this interests you or just ask me for some more specific background if desired. Hopefully (!) this is short enough.

Summary: We left it on crazy BPD terms after 21/2 yr emotional affair (briefly short term physical at start) & he chose to marry 17-yr doormat (sorry to her) after years of refusal... .& notably after I gave him letter I think he saw as a 'rejection' & refused to communicate about (though I made the effort twice).

SO... .every year he drives his (not real) ‘momma’/my (common law) 'aunt' up north for her 1-mth yearly vacation. To my knowledge he'd been avoiding the house which she & I share (and/or she also discouraged him from coming) for sometime. So this mid-Aug, I heard him downstairs. Keeping in mind he was just married 1-month prior to this! I was in my bedroom upstairs. He was loud. She was speaking in hushed tones. Seems he's now demanding something about me. Normally I help her a little/say good-bye as she’s going & he sees me. Not this time. I did, but only after he eventually stomped out to porch, pacing/chain smoking with a furious look on his face as I saw through door, but don't believe he saw me. It was “Why isn’t she…? What do you mean you don’t know if she’s here? Don’t know if she’s up? Go get her. Go look.” I've no idea if he was going to rant at me, or was just emotionally dysregulated in general post wedding, expected to see me to gloat and couldn’t. Or what. He was also apparently suddenly lurking in the area 1-wk later after months of avoidance as he spoke to someone we both know near the house (but I did not see him). He now refuses to call my cell direct and knows I will no longer p/u house phone.

I learned in advance what day she was returning, but wasn't there when he dropped her back. Now I'm wondering what might happen (?) I know you aren't mind readers. Still, out of sight out of mind doesn't necessarily apply to him. Unbelievably I still miss him. I hurt. I’m frustrated. On edge. I’m trying to remain NC. It’s working, but under the circumstances eventual contact seems inevitable. When, for what reason, & why's the ? mark. Can't be his friend yet. My emotions remain too real & I doubt he can only ever be that with me. Can't be anything else because he's now married. Won't be his enemy. Yet technically I've known him a lifetime. Oh, & was always viewed as 'out of his league'. If you care to offer any thoughts that'd be appreciated.

[moxietonic]

I prematurely posted what I fear was a FAR too long/improperly categorized 1st effort, so here's my alternative minus a 100 or so relevant facts.  You can read BPD Soap Opera if this interests you or just ask me for some more specific background if desired. Hopefully (!) this is short enough.

Summary: We left it on crazy BPD terms after 21/2 yr emotional affair (briefly short term physical at start) & he chose to marry 17-yr doormat (sorry to her) after years of refusal... .& notably after I gave him letter I think he saw as a 'rejection' & refused to communicate about (though I made the effort twice).

SO... .every year he drives his (not real) ‘momma’/my (common law) 'aunt' up north for her 1-mth yearly vacation. To my knowledge he'd been avoiding the house which she & I share (and/or she also discouraged him from coming) for sometime. So this mid-Aug, I heard him downstairs. Keeping in mind he was just married 1-month prior to this! I was in my bedroom upstairs. He was loud. She was speaking in hushed tones. Seems he's now demanding something about me. Normally I help her a little/say good-bye as she’s going & he sees me. Not this time. I did, but only after he eventually stomped out to porch, pacing/chain smoking with a furious look on his face as I saw through door, but don't believe he saw me. It was “Why isn’t she…? What do you mean you don’t know if she’s here? Don’t know if she’s up? Go get her. Go look.” I've no idea if he was going to rant at me, or was just emotionally dysregulated in general post wedding, expected to see me to gloat and couldn’t. Or what. He was also apparently suddenly lurking in the area 1-wk later after months of avoidance as he spoke to someone we both know near the house (but I did not see him). He now refuses to call my cell direct and knows I will no longer p/u house phone.

I learned in advance what day she was returning, but wasn't there when he dropped her back. Now I'm wondering what might happen (?) I know you aren't mind readers. Still, out of sight out of mind doesn't necessarily apply to him. Unbelievably I still miss him. I hurt. I’m frustrated. On edge. I’m trying to remain NC. It’s working, but under the circumstances eventual contact seems inevitable. When, for what reason, & why's the ? mark. Can't be his friend yet. My emotions remain too real & I doubt he can only ever be that with me. Can't be anything else because he's now married. Won't be his enemy. Yet technically I've known him a lifetime. Oh, & was always viewed as 'out of his league'. If you care to offer any thoughts that'd be appreciated.

[OnceConfused]

moxietonic:

Unbelievably I still miss him. I hurt. I’m frustrated. On edge.

That is exactly your problem and your nightmare. Your attaching mind still flourishes inside you. Not until you finally look at him as "bygone" , you can find peace.

Here are what I read from your note:

1.He is now married to a 17 yr doormat. This means he has chosen a new r.s so why do you still feel attached to him and wanting to be friend?  Well, respect his new wife and their marriage.

2. You gave him a letter, (which I assume a letter of breaking up) and he chose to see it as rejection and refused to communicate. Well that is his choice, so why do you try to do it TWICE ?

3. Now, since he is married and you both are not in a r.s. then if he rants at you, you simply walk away and if he follows you . Be stern and firm, and say "I would appreciate you leave now, otherwise I will call 911."

4. Don't expect to be friends. JUST MOVE ON. Put yourself on his wife's shoes, here is the ex-lover who wants to be friend with your husband and hang around him. Would you be jealous?  Do yourself and his wife a favor - LET BYGONE BE BYGONE. Whenever you see him, just said hello and then move to a different person. No conversation.

[moxietonic]

Thanks OnceConfused for your thoughts. You may think the same thing even with additional details or clarifications, but based upon some of your replies, some things look a little lost in translation, esp. from this more condensed version. Which may be totally my fault in terms of editing.

1. Why do I still feel attached to him? For one: I've known him since he was 12/13 years old - long before his new wife - and long before we became more intimately involved. And the intimate involvement/emotional affair/much alone time only deepened a near life-long connection for me (I thought us). Our bigger history is on the original post (BPD Soap Opera). I have attachment/ deep feelings for him for that reason alone.

2. I didn't try and give him the letter twice. I tried twice to talk to him since he was given the letter and just abruptly stopped talking, because anyone who knows a BPD should know they have notoriously thin skin and tend to feel rejected even when they aren't. I feel my letter may have done that (however unintentionally), but he was simply too wary that I was rejecting him - so basically did it himself. He often doesn't listen when he should... .finds out facts later... .and regrets things he does based on anger and/or impulsivity. I normally try and accept this as part of his dysfunction, and will try to a point to get past it, but then it's up to him. Unfortunately in this case, it may have impacted one of the biggest decisions of his life, and not necessarily in the positive way I would only hope for him.

3. I would cause much family drama if I called 911. I can threaten it and talk to my Aunt, but the point was more I don't know why (even with his dysfunctional mindset) he was concerned at all with speaking to me right now. I should be ignored. He had no real problem doing it up to that point (since the letter). As you say, put yourself in his wife's shoes. NOW he should just leave me alone and if he's so happily married he should be trying hard to stay away... .not engaging me in anyway, esp. a mere month after his wedding. But to that final point:

4. Put myself in his wife's shoes? If I knew someone only agreed to marry me after refusing for years and then appears to have done so only after (or even perhaps because) an old friend, a person with whom he'd shared feelings for years, whom he liked longer than me, and he pursued in an emotional affair (even after she refused to have sex with him ongoing because he was living with someone) for 21/2 years, then gave him a letter he may have taken as a rejection, and all that preceded his finally capitulating to my demand... .I'd opt out. I would see it as a sign of impending doom.

Oh, and I incorrectly suggested in my miswording I was perceived as out of 'his' league. What was meant was that he always saw himself as being out of MY league on some level. That is, I'm too educated, etc. compared to most other women he's known.

Thanks again for your time, and any other thoughts as you may reply again!

[OnceConfused]

Do you feel attached to him as :

(a) an old friend, (b) a lover, (c) a wife/husb ?

Do you still wish to be married to him (this means the wish is for him to leave his now wife and come back to you)   or simply be a friend ?

If you have the magic wand,what do you want things to be ?

[moxietonic]

Well, OnceConfused, I thought hard about it, and sorry in advance for so long an answer to an a, b, or c question (I'm a writer but not a great editor). As a non-conformist-type, my dream has never been all about marriage, and as I've never been married, I can't say I know for certain what a 'wife' feels like.

That being said, I'll try answering to what I think you mean and how I think I've felt. Admittedly, our relationship/association (and my feelings) are now deeper and more complicated than that of old friends. I also feel 'romantically' for him. Wish to be affectionate, sexual, etc. Ideally I also wish we could hang out/date as a couple might be able to do in the context/normal course of a 'legitimate' relationship.  Exploring things at a graduated pace, but knowing that pace is already accelerated significantly.

Yet also, when I'm around him (one day he came we just 'gardened' like old people) it feels like we've done it for a 100 yrs. He just feels comfortable to me. Simply I'm happy to see him and be together. At the same time, I haven't forgotten there exists other 'chemistry' between us. I sort of hold it at bay/ignore when we're together.

I will note that early on it felt to me like he immediately began treating me/seeing me as a wife, and not always/necessarily in the best way. It was like: why weren't you just waiting for me at home when I dropped by unannounced (BPD entitlement thinking and likewise that I should be able to mind read). If I was his wife it would be one thing... .but I knew then he still had someone else at home and so I resented it. But I have learned better over time some things about his unusual ways of behaving and thinking, and know if things were different, I'd now try communicating more directly, but gently/thoughtfully, about some things in future.

I don't expect him to be a different man, but he does also learn from mistakes (I've seen it), and to me that's good enough. I don't like the idea of being 2nd choice or 2nd wife, but if he made it clear I was always 1st choice and it got messed up, I might accept that. The difference is, I'm not demanding marriage. But I won't be with someone married to someone else. And let me clear, I do feel for his wife. But understanding even a little of what I do about their relationship differences and his apparent feelings of obligation, (and societal/family pressure he has felt very strongly) rather than genuine willingness/desire to be with her, is hard to know.

Lastly, I'd hold off on what I want if the choice was between never seeing him again. But that would have to be mutually agreed upon, and obviously may not be possible. Anyway... .guess somewhere between b & c, leaning to c.