just switched boards

[lotus74]

I have been posting on the staying board, but am switching to the undecided board.  I have been with my uBPDH for 7 years, married for 5.

We have had many ups and downs as is typical of a relationship with pwBPD.  My uBPDH has so much trouble staying in a job.  He will hold average of 6 jobs a year, usually staying at each one a few days to a few weeks; longest he's stayed at a job recently was 6 months and that was a year and a half ago.  He gets in a job and becomes paranoid that he is going to get fired (for no conceivable reason) and then will make excuses why this job is not working out and he will quit.  Then he will sit at home playing online video games for several months "recuperating" before we start the process all over again.

My uBPDH just started a new job this week.  I work 12 hour shifts in a very stressful line of work.  I was looking forward to finally having a few days to myself since my uBPDH would be at work a few days i'm off this week.  I have spent my days off filling out his benefit information because it was causing him anxiety and fielding his frequent phone calls to enthusiastically reassure him that his life is so great that it is worth going to this "horrible" job every day. well, I don't want to work either, but someone has to pay the bills, feed us, etc.  I'm just so sick of his bull crap. He just called me and was mad at me that I didn't act excited to talk to him for the 3rd time since he left for work 2 hours ago and tell him how thrilled I was for our weekend together ( I've done this several times this morning already).

He says that he wants to be a priority and he absolutely is, even ahead of my daughter at times.  I know that this job

is probably going to last another week or so, then it will be back to the beginning all over again.  I feel like I cannot make any headway in life because I am carrying all this weight on my own.  he says sometimes that he is a weight dragging me down, and if I'm really honest with myself I know that this is true.  I just don't know how to leave.

I know that I could financially take care of myself, but I feel trapped nonetheless.  He does not communicate with his family, he has no friends.  I fear if I kicked him out that he might commit suicide.  He would have no job and only the money in our bank account that he would insist on splitting even though I am the one who has worked for it.

I love him.  I'm just so sick of being the only responsible one in the relationship and having to be the custodian of his every emotion and feeling ( of course that makes it convenient to blame me when he is feeling bad... . that it is my fault.) That it is my responsibility to build his enthusiasm; because "that's what he runs on".

Any insight or suggestions on how to deal with the whole job/working thing? Or emotional caretaking?

I'm feeling near the end of my rope.

Thanks for listening!

[OutOfEgypt]

I'm just so sick of being the only responsible one in the relationship and having to be the custodian of his every emotion and feeling ( of course that makes it convenient to blame me when he is feeling bad... . that it is my fault.) That it is my responsibility to build his enthusiasm; because "that's what he runs on".

Add in some affairs, and that was my marriage to my uBPDexw in a nutshell.  I was the reason she had a bad day, the reason she was up or down.  It was my fault why our sex life sucked.  I'm too sensitive.  I'm too this or that.  I'm not enough of this or that.  I was given the sole responsibility of revolving around her and making everything ok, and then I was put down and mocked for revolving around her too much.  I was lied to, cheated on, gaslit, and my own emotional issues (which were undoubtedly contributed to and/or created from years of emotional torment and abuse) were a convenient focus for all the woes in our relationship and a convenient scapegoat to always take the eye off of her.

It never changed.  Even when I started speaking the truth and finding my own voice, it didn't change.  It was still a totally one-way relationship.  I was still expected to revolve around her and her needs and wants.  The whole family did.  We knew that the only chance we had to get a "good" interaction with mommy was to indulge her and let her do everything on her time and her terms.  We lived like a single-father household in the house with a tyrannical baby.  Spending sometimes days huddled away in her cave, asking us to bring her toast, telling us she's too tired or depressed or her back hurts or some other ailment.  But then bounding out of bed when it came time to go out with her friends, get drunk, or go tanning.

We're divorced now, thank God.  My daughter told me recently that her mom explained that the reason she and I are not together is because I was "always unhappy" and it made her unhappy.  My daughter was wise enough to recognize, however, that it is pretty difficult to be happy when you are with someone who treats you like dirt and dumps everything on you.  :)ifficult indeed.

I cannot tell you what to do.  All I can say is that nothing changed until I made it change, until I said no more. I got tired of being the blame for everything, and I got tired of the affairs on top of being totally taken advantage of.  I was the provider AND primary parent for almost 12 years, though it would go through up and down cycles.  Working full-time, cooking, cleaning, driving to and from school for the kids, interfacing with other parents, talking to teachers, helping with homework, doing laundry, even home-schooling one child for four years... by myself.  I prayed and prayed for something to change, for something to get better.  It just got worse.  It won't change until you make it change.

My ex DID attempt suicide at one point, after her family discovered the truth about her latest affair (she lived with her sister at the time, because I filed for divorce on her) and kicked her out.  Her lover called me in the middle of the night and told me I had to get to the hospital because she swallowed a bunch of pills.  I went down there, he was gone, and she cried to me.  The mental health person told me that they either had to commit her for observation for a few days or release her to someone.  She had "nowhere to go," so like a good enabler, I took her back in.  So, she lived with me and would leave late at night, hump her lover in a hotel room, and then come back to my house in the morning.  It was torture, but she didn't understand how it could hurt me so badly because "we're not together".  Sick.

I know it is hard to grasp, but they put themselves in the situation that they are in.  They have no friends and cannot sustain any long-term, close relationships because of how they are.  That is not your problem, it is his, and unfortunately the longer you rescue him from that the more you help keep him from the possibility of him hitting rock bottom, asking himself some very serious questions, and maybe even getting himself some professional help.  In other words, you are helping him stay the way he is by saving him from consequences.  Of course you dont want him to hurt himself, but that is not on you. You are not his mom, unless you want to be for the rest of your life?  It really DOES come down to that, sometimes.  It is YOU or HIM?  Which is the better bet?  Not a good choice, but I cannot tell you how much better I feel after finally choosing ME.  And my ex?  She is fine... . still living in fantasy land.  But at least she has a job, now!

[lotus74]

Thanks OutOfEgypt for your reply and all of the wisdom.  I do want things to change, and I know that you are right that I am saving him from his consequences.  I just don't know how to go about initiating a change without breaking off the relationship.  I have already been divorced once and I guess that I am ashamed(I come from a very religious, conservative family who shamed me over my first divorce) and scared of the stigma of the twice divorced single mom.  I love my husband and want to be the one person that doesn't give up on him... . but I think that is just me feeding into his psychobabble bullcrap.

[WalrusGumboot]

I guess that I am ashamed(I come from a very religious, conservative family who shamed me over my first divorce) and scared of the stigma of the twice divorced single mom. 

Does your family understand mental illness and have you shared with them what you shared with us? I know that conservative churches often ignore BPD and other mental illnesses.

Right now you are taking care of or worrying about everybody else, what they will think or do. You have to do what is right for you, and it sounds like you have thought this through very carefully.

I worried too that my exBPDw was going to commit suicide if I filed for divorce. She didn't. She quickly found a replacement to take care of her and I was history.

[lotus74]

I don't talk to my family anymore. Partially because the way they handled things during my divorce, and partially due to my uBPDH's isolating me from them.  Don't get me wrong, I wasn't really happy about my relationship with them to begin with, but whenever I would talk to them and get upset, my husband would become so stressed out; sometimes dysregulating... . so I cut ties with them to make life more peaceful and to show my family that I would not allow them to treat me badly anymore.

I know that I need to think of myself.  I'm terrible at second guessing myself.  Maybe I'm really just afraid of being alone.  I have no friends, no family.  I know that I am co-dependent in this relationship, but really getting sick of it.

[OutOfEgypt]

Maybe this is an opportunity for change for both of you.  Maybe this is when you can build a life for yourself that is not wrapped up in wiping someone's rear-end and carrying the entire load.  And maybe this is when he can finally face the fact that he has something wrong that isn't everybody else's fault.

[OnceConfused]

You are where today because of everything you have done in the past up to yesterday...

THis means, your tomorrow will be because of everything you have done including today, so be careful with your today .

If your today is the same as your yesterday, then your tomorrow will be exactly as today.

You have to make the move. Don't let guilt be the fear of not changing because it will make your tomorrow exactly as today , until the day you die.

DOn't be afraid of mistake (even 2 failed marriages). Life is like traveling on a boat across the ocean, you have to constantly adjust to the wind. THe big question is what you have learned and what you will use the learning.

ALso, take time to go inside, to introspect to see what of you that caused you to marry these 2 in the first place.

[pallavirajsinghani]

Hello My Friend:   Indeed it is difficult to navigate these waters... .

It seems to me that your emotions and your reasons have not caught up with each other yet.  It appears though, that your instinct is telling you to get out of the boiling water before you are "cooked" and totally consumed.  However, your reason, that pesky product of civilized and social conditioning is embroiled in moral ramifications of where your instinct is leading to.

It is easier for me to simply say, put children first.  They are your sacred ward and your moral duty besides taking care of children leads to such delicious self-fulfillment.

It is easier for me to simply say that a childlike and childish man is NOT your sacred ward nor your moral duty.

Gamechanger would be if he were to be totally and absolutely committed himself to recovery.  However, he is not.   And of course he would blame you for not seeking recovery either.

My firm belief is that you DO NOT have a choice to stay unless you ALSO have a choice to leave.

So my recommendation is the following steps in a short/middle and longer term timeline:

1)  Get a counselor for yourself.

2)  Get counseling for children--begin by bringing their school guidance counselor into confidence.

3)  Begin to take physical, emotional and financial care of yourself.

4)  Stop building him up... . start building yourself up... . this is not abandonment, nor is it lack of compassion, nor is it immoral, nor is it lack of love... . infact, the ultimate loving act sometimes is sacrifice... . letting go, radical acceptance, giving a person ownership of their own emotions and feelings and life... . giving them back themselves is the ultimate act of love, not rejection.

There is very strong possibility that he actually wants the divorce, want freedom and wants spousal support and disability... . that is the ultimate expression of a free life isn't it?... .

Each of these steps have a series of substeps attached but for now, your physical, emotional and fiscal welfare is priority as you are the primary stable parent.  If you do not survive, you take your children down with you.  So, it is not for him, but for yourself and your children, your welfare comes first.  In a plane going down, the parent needs to put the oxygen mask first before it is put on the child sitting on the next seat.  Is that selfishness?  No, it is the best guarantee that the child will survive.

So, look for a good counselor first... . for both yourself and the children.  Exercise, eat right, turn texting off, cell phone off... . only for emergencies or screen your calls, stop building him up... . for a bucket with a hole at the bottom cannot stay filled no matter how much you try.  The consequences will be his attempt at suicide?  Well, call 911 immediately at the very first threat of/gesture of suicide. 

You are not a clinician, you cannot deal effectively with mental illness... . you do not have the relationship that a doctor-client has, you simply do not have the clinical skills to mange nor cure it.  It is the job of the professionals.  So if you are failing to effectively manage/cure/change him, do not blame yourself.  You are a spouse, not a doctor.

My post is meant for you to ask more questions, more specific, practical questions of "HOW TO... . " nature.

This how to conversations will begin to formulate in you decisions, ideas, and ultimately strategies.

God bless.

[sweetheart]

lotus74 I too am married to a pwBPD, he is dx. We have been together 8 years and have a 6 year old son. My dBPDh has been in and out of crisis this last year and I really believed that I could make things better for him if I just kept trying - I can't, and he won't entertain DBT even though it is on offer, so things being better for him are a complete non-starter. I have devoted too much time to each crisis, and I have most certainly made things worse at times.

What being on the undecided board has given me is the space to leave when and if I choose to. It has also made me realise that leaving doesn't have to be right now, this minute. It has also helped me refocus my priorities and direct them fully toward our son, before I felt like I had a child and a teenager, I don't I only have one child and he needs me to not be caught up in my husbands chaos.  So as a result of this I am more able to allow the natural consequences of my dBPDh behaviour to happen. I involve the police, the Crisis Team where necessary. I also direct my husbands issues back to his team, I no longer willing to be his P or his T. The biggest change for me is that after many years I have relinquished responsibility for his medication and given control back to him. I am his wife not his nurse, but my boundaries were very blurred for a long time.

I still get caught up in JADEing and am blind in the FOG at times , but there is some space in my head at least which is thinking about me.

I remain undecided, but I am putting things in place like sorting out finances, changing my sons school, getting my own T, so that if I leave it will not be chaotic. Spending  more time having fun with my son , being his mum without a head filled up with my husbands issues.

Posts from OutOfEgypt help me when he gives such an honest and open account of his marriage, his posts help me to see the chaos, not be caught in it.

I still have lots of days where I am filled with sadness and anger, only yesterday I was in a really angry place, but posting here really helped with those feelings. What I learnt is that I will post sooner next time to avoid getting caught up in JADE.

I am also here and undecided because if I focus on me then maybe that will set my husband free in some way, and maybe our lives will be calmer. I still love him and accept what he has but I no longer need or want to make him better.

So lotus74 use this board to start prioritising yours and your daughters needs. The post from pallavirajsinghani is about the best I have ever read I could add nothing to his post. Just keep posting here for support because whilst you are deciding you will also be disengaging from his chaos and this will change the dynamics between you both, so be prepared for more dysregulation certainly in the short term. Keep you and your daughter safe.