No idea where to start

[aLoNe8541]

I have no idea where to start. I have spent almost the past three (3) years researching BPD & Narcissism. This person in my life was not formally diagnosed; however, I KNOW he is a narcissist or has BPD. Not only that he fits every single symptom, all the info I have learned and looking back on many many events and because I can just feel I’m right about this. All the info I have read, YouTube videos I have watched (of doctors, survivors etc) podcastes I have listen to books I have read tell me what is going on. The issues is I don’t know where to start because my story is very long but the biggest issue I face, is in all the research I have done, I haven’t come across anything like I have been dealing with. What I mean by that is, by way of brief background.

I started dating him 6 yrs ago. Everything was great as far as compatibility, attraction, same goals etc. I did noticed some very strange things that made me say to myself & to friends and family “I have never heard anyone say or do that before.” However, I didn’t see it as a red flag. The red flags came at almost 2 into our relationship when I was already in love and sucked in. A series of events took place in his life that brought him down. I believe when we started dating he saw me as the greatest thing. I didn’t judge him, I believe and believed in him, didn’t put him down etc. things took a turn for the worse 3 yrs ago when it started to look like he wasn’t interest in me anymore. I had many many long talks with him. He reassured me over and over and over again that he didn’t want to split up. However, as time went on it still looked as thought he didn’t want to be with me. I got no attention, no effection, no sex, no words of affirmation. As any normal person would do in a relationship, I started badgering him about it. Prior to this (when I first started to notice small changes, he had to move back into his dads due to some events that had occurred. These events brought him down. Then being close to 30 yrs old having to move back in with his dad who never took or accepted his option on or outpit, who never said he was sorry and who was never wrong, those 2 things brought him down even more. Then I started my badgering because me being 6 yrs older then him, I didn’t have any children yet and I wanted some and I wanted to get married eventually. Things we talked about doing in the past and said we were gonna do together. After a yr and a half of no affection, no words of affirmation, no attention... .absolutely nothing, I was getting concerned that I was wasiting my time and my baby years being with this man. I would try to talk to him, scream, cry and even beg that I would walk away no hard feelings whatsoever. He would beg me not to leave saying he didn’t want to split up. I feel me badgering him about no sex, no attention, not even words of affirmation over and over again for almost 3 yrs and having to live back in with his dad after yrs of his dad making him feel the way he does and the other events sent him way way way down. Now, 3 yrs later he is still living with his dad, he almost never comes out of his room, him and had his father have no relationship they don’t even talk. When it’s a holiday or when family like his mom or 2 brothers and their girl friends come over 98% of the time I have to badger him to come out to say hello. His dad has even went to his room and started yelling at him.  If myself and his dad didn’t do that he wouldn’t come out at all to even say hello. I have asked if we could have an open relationship and he gets mad and asks why, tells me that his behavior is normal for a couple who had been together this long. Which I know is a million% untrue. We have had fights (even recently) where he yells “FINE tomorrow things are gonna change” and no changes come. It’s to the point where he does ABSOLUTELY nothing for anyone else close to him and now he isn’t even doing things for himself. He is a musician, his music was awesome his voice was awesome. Music is his life and when I hear him sing now. He sucks he is horrible and I know it’s because of this depression the BPD from the way he knows his dad treats him. Seeing his dad treat his brothers friends like they are his son yet he doesn’t even treat his sons that way. As a matter of fact, his dad has said to me “I have washed my hands of him” and he has overheard his dad say this. I can’t imagine how that would make me feel. The issue is I am now 36, I still have no children he makes no attempt to change or keep me happy. We maybe have sex once or twice a yr now. I am now being effected mentally by this. If I try to talked to him. Now he doesn’t even engage. He just stairs straight ahead at his computer or he will pull his hat down over his eyes. If he doesn’t do either of those he will not and cannot look me in the eye or even look my way. I can leave him, the problem is even though I get no partner attention from him, if I don’t bring up anything we get along like best friends and I feel like I’m the only person he has and the only person who is willing to go great lengths to want to help him. His dad is on the verge of kicking him out he recently lost his job. (He has been through 6 jobs in the 6 yrs we been together and I’m scared if his dad does it could make things worse. He tells me once he gets his license back and gets off probation things will change. He thinks it’s 100% acceptable for me to wait another 3 yrs after waiting 3 yrs for things 2 happen. I’m so lost I don’t know what to do, I’m scared if I leave him it will make him worse I am scared for him because nobody cares enough to help. They all talk about how he has these issues yet no one does anything. I took h to couples therapy but that was before I discoverd it was BPD or narcissism. I catch him doing things like watching porn and normally I wouldn’t care men do that BUT when he never has sex with me or gives me no attention nothing and he would rather watch that then touch me it’s disturbing and I’m scared it turning into an addiction. He says he is the exact same as when we first started dating. He is absolutely not. He has admitted that he has issues but say gettin help doesn work. Deep down I know he hates his father but he acts almost exactly like his father. If I would have known he was a narcissist or had BPD I would not have badgered him for so long. I feel like events in his life plus yrs of the way he his dad has been towards him from childhood until now, moving back in with his dad, me being so friendly with his close family (ie dad, mom brothers) him seeing me as so great in the beginning and then I badgered him and other small stuff has made him the way he is today.  That is the part I haven’t been able to find in any of my research how doing things can make someone who is narcissist or who has BPD worse.  I need help, my baby yrs are wasting away and I’m so lost, so alone and it’s now effecting me mentally. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so so so sorry this message is so long. It could have been way way longer because there is so much that has happened.

Thank you for listening

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[JNChell]

 
Hi, aLoNe8541. Welcome to bpdfamily! It sounds like you’re experiencing quite a conundrum and are emotionally charged right now. You’re not alone. Many of the members that participate in this support group have shown up here with similar emotions and concerns that you have. After participating and engaging with other members, these sensations can begin to subside. You’re in a good place here. The support, empathy and most importantly, the understanding and relation to what you’ve been through is here. So, let’s get started, aLoNe8541.

I have spent almost the past three (3) years researching BPD & Narcissism. This person in my life was not formally diagnosed; however, I KNOW he is a narcissist or has BPD

You’ve done your homework. Good for you. Most of us became detectives because something felt off with our situations. The behaviors you described do characteristically line up with BPD/NPD. We can’t and won’t diagnose here, but this sounds like abusive behavior.

It’s a good thing that you’ve come to this support group with this. This is a peer based group, and we support and help each other here over the very same issues that you’ve come here with.

To give us better guidance on how to help you, what are you hoping to achieve? Are you wanting to exit this relationship completely? Are you hoping to gain tools to make it work? Or are you undecided at this point? Letting us know can help us point you in the right direction. This site is full of proven information. Let us know how we can help, aLoNe8541.