It's so hard letting go...

[Herodias]

It's hard thinking that maybe they are suddenly different with the new person. The only thing is that when I met mine he was 25 and just getting started in his career. Now he is 34 and a manager of a store. I am not sure he is doing all the wild stuff he did in the beginning with me. I also think that when we lived in "his" house (he had a VA loan in his name only which he insisted on), he did allot more crazy things and invited strangers in at all hours... .not sure he can do that in "her" house (she is renting with a roommate). I just feel awful that I went through soo much craziness and thinking he is not doing it now, or doesn't want her to see the real him! He is a cutter too! The weird thing is, she worked at a detention center - her roommate is a cop and her best friend is a therapist that lives 2 hours away. How stupid they all must be! The roommate probably spends her time at her finance's house, so I still don't know if he is living with her or not, but I know he spends allot of time there. My point is, it IS different than it was with me! Will it go the same? He will probably gas light her, lie to her, cheat on her... .but will he act out like the crazy person I saw? The one with the guns and abusive-I don't know... .for some reason this is bothering me. I think I kept thinking that eventually he would end up in the hospital like he always does and I would get a phone call. It's not Xmas yet, so it could still happen as holidays seem to be the worst time for him... .I don't understand why this is bothering me so much. It

just is! Maybe I felt like his Mother and I felt needed... I don't know. I am used to him coming back and not running off to be with someone else... I just feel so bad. I think I am finally feeling the deep heartbroken tears that I didn't feel last year... .I was sort of numb. It is getting closer to my year separation(Jan.) and all I feel is deep pain. I wonder if he really will try and get back together with me like he said he would or if he is getting more from this person who is enamored with him. I don't want him back- I don't want to want him back! I think I am lonely and feeling hopeless that there is anyone else out there for me. I am having a very hard time trying not to care anymore. : (

[tribalmart]

I understand that you are lost... .being exposed to a BPD sufferer or any personalty disorder for so long is very damaging. Try to concentrate on your own happiness and believe me if you want to get better do your best to look forward and move on. Ruminate about what they are doing, how they behave with the rebound... .will destroy you. They do not manage emotion like us (sane people) do so even if you keep trying to get an answer you wont be able to find something logical. There's no sense in the way they are. And be sure that at 95% he wont be different with the next one... .maybe at the beginning of their r/s he will be at his best, but only for a while. Without help (therapy or serious Healing plan) it's gonna be even worst r/s after r/s ! The partern will always continue... .

[Lonely_Astro]

It's hard thinking that maybe they are suddenly different with the new person. The only thing is that when I met mine he was 25 and just getting started in his career. Now he is 34 and a manager of a store. I am not sure he is doing all the wild stuff he did in the beginning with me. I also think that when we lived in "his" house (he had a VA loan in his name only which he insisted on), he did allot more crazy things and invited strangers in at all hours... .not sure he can do that in "her" house (she is renting with a roommate). I just feel awful that I went through soo much craziness and thinking he is not doing it now, or doesn't want her to see the real him! He is a cutter too! The weird thing is, she worked at a detention center - her roommate is a cop and her best friend is a therapist that lives 2 hours away. How stupid they all must be! The roommate probably spends her time at her finance's house, so I still don't know if he is living with her or not, but I know he spends allot of time there. My point is, it IS different than it was with me! Will it go the same? He will probably gas light her, lie to her, cheat on her... .but will he act out like the crazy person I saw? The one with the guns and abusive-I don't know... .for some reason this is bothering me. I think I kept thinking that eventually he would end up in the hospital like he always does and I would get a phone call. It's not Xmas yet, so it could still happen as holidays seem to be the worst time for him... .I don't understand why this is bothering me so much. It

just is! Maybe I felt like his Mother and I felt needed... I don't know. I am used to him coming back and not running off to be with someone else... I just feel so bad. I think I am finally feeling the deep heartbroken tears that I didn't feel last year... .I was sort of numb. It is getting closer to my year separation(Jan.) and all I feel is deep pain. I wonder if he really will try and get back together with me like he said he would or if he is getting more from this person who is enamored with him. I don't want him back- I don't want to want him back! I think I am lonely and feeling hopeless that there is anyone else out there for me. I am having a very hard time trying not to care anymore. : (

Blue, Im sorry you're experiencing and going through this 

You asked if it will be like it was with you, even though you feel it isn't now.  It has been my experience that it ultimately ends back up like it was.  The only time it changes, it seems, is how long they can wear the mask.  Sometimes it's longer than other times.  The end result is that it always ends the same way: the disorder wins, the loved ones lose.

4 years ago when we broke up and she (and I, eventually) moved on to a new guy, I had the same thoughts.  She seemed happy all the time.  She married the guy and I knew it was only a matter of time before she got pregnant.  Basically, I was watching her live out the life she had promised me.  I was so upset by this.  But, I was watching (as did the rest of the world) what she wanted us to see.  Underneath it, she was still the troubled girl that she is.  During one of the last conversations I had with her I asked her about how he was able to do it (keep her happy, I mean).  She told me that she would have her deregulations but he wouldn't "let" her have them or didn't pay attention to her when she did.  I'm still really not sure what that means.  I can't fathom someone not noticing or being bothered by her erratic behavior.  She always said he only wanted her as a trophy wife, maybe thats why.  He saw her as an object himself.  No one will ever really know.  There're days I wish I could have a conversation with him, just for my own morbid curiosity of what the other side of the story is like.

Anyway, sorry for the tangent.  I know its tough right now (currently, Im going through the same thoughts you are), but I also know that in time I (we) will get better.  I will probably not stop thinking about her, but with each passing day I know it will be less and less.  She (like yours) will always occupy a space in my heart, whether I want her to or not.  The difference being is that in time we can forgive (not forget) what has happened to us, they can't.

[C.Stein]

Well, I have to admit to being a tad bit annoyed if she is a "better" person in her new relationship as a result of how badly she screwed up me and our relationship.  I paid a very steep price if this is the case, but somewhere in the back of my head I know she is doomed to make the same mistakes over and over again.  It is just a matter of time, but she will "try" to be better in the meantime just like she "tried" to be a better person with me.   It really is sad that she is like this because I do want her to find some real happiness.

[tribalmart]

C. Stein... .

She will try to show her best side and try to make her next r/s works... .yes TRY... .try doesnt mean succeed! For my ex BPDgf there's a clear pattern, there was too many red flags that I did'nt see from the start! Without Professional help there will be no miracle and things are going to get worse and worse. They are not able to deal with the storm inside of them. So it's a matter of time before they explode. I'm also worried about that too but I repeat to myself that the replacement will eventually be her next victim.

[oceanblue]

Hi Blue,

It is hard letting go.  I know - I was in an 8 year on and off again relationship with a BPD boyfriend.  When I think about the person I was when I met him - confident and happy - and how I was when it was over - destroyed, crushed, depressed I now realize with hindsight how much damage the BPD bf did to me.  BUT - here's the kicker - the good news is that when I hit rock bottom I had to climb my way back up.  It was hard.  I cried every day for at least six months and then probably every other day for six months after that.  But I did find myself again and you will too. 

I think everyone here can guarantee that your ex will eventually show the same BPD behaviors you saw.  It may take more or less time but they are all right there below the surface.  The important thing though is for you to focus on yourself.  What can you do to make yourself feel better and take care of yourself.  When I was at my lowest, I tried meditation and found it very helpful.  I still practice today.  I also learned to take care of myself.  How?  I gave myself regular basic care, good healthy food, good sleep, no drugs or alcohol and I also learned to be kind and gentle with myself and to forgive myself when necessary.  The breakup gave me space and time to be myself and have a good relationship with myself.  I also strengthened my friendships and, when I started to feel better, made some new ones too.  When you are feeling down or having a hard time moving on - try to do one small thing for yourself - take a walk, call a friend, get your hair cut, whatever makes you feel good.  Focusing on yourself and your healthy happiness will help you move on and repair some of the damage done.

[Darsha500]

This one goes out to you blue.

https://youtu.be/aTR_18OL8D8

[Lonely_Astro]

C. Stein... .

She will try to show her best side and try to make her next r/s works... .yes TRY... .try doesnt mean succeed! For my ex BPDgf there's a clear pattern, there was too many red flags that I did'nt see from the start! Without Professional help there will be no miracle and things are going to get worse and worse. They are not able to deal with the storm inside of them. So it's a matter of time before they explode. I'm also worried about that too but I repeat to myself that the replacement will eventually be her next victim.

And professional help doesn't guarantee anything.  The only thing that can be 100% guaranteed is that they will always have the disorder, it can't be cured.  It can be managed with meds and therapy, but it takes a tremendous amount of dedication and willingness on their part (most don't stick with it).  The ones that stay with it, it takes years for them to start leading a somewhat normal life.  Most studies I have read show that those that enter DBT, 60% no longer meet the DSM criteria after 1-3 years of treatment (and theres a margin of error that lowers that number to around 50%).  So, even if you have someone that enters DBT, theres no guarantee they'll be better in a few years.  Oh, and out of the 60% that no longer meet the criteria, 20% of those 'slide' backward at some point and have to start over.  So, there are a few that manage it their entire lives, but it seems most struggle with it their entire lives, professional help or not.

So could Blue's pwBPD get better?  That's a solid maybe.  If they were willing to do the work, put in the time, effort, and commitment to it.  Do most of them do that?  No.  Even the ones who are self-aware (like mine) still don't.  Will Jane be better in a couple of years with DBT?  I have no idea.  I hope that she is, she deserves everything we talked about having together.  I just don't see me being the one to bring that to her.  I've been on this rollercoaster twice now and I have no intention of riding it a third time. 

[Lonely_Astro]

This one goes out to you blue.

https://youtu.be/aTR_18OL8D8

Try this one on for size, too:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_ui45mtL7hg

[Herodias]

Thanks for the thoughts and the songs guys... .My BPD has had therapy his whole life... .He will not do the real work at all. One time I sat with him in an office with a therapist where all he did was talk about the blinds on her window. It's sad... .I just know he has to be behaving the same way with the new person. I am sad she is enabling his drinking. I am sad that he will not do any work to change. I had hoped that my leaving would encourage him to do so... .He forced me to leave, so I had to. It's what he wanted. I don't think he is any happier... .In fact I know he is not. I am just sad that I worked so hard and put myself through so much all to be left alone. I am having a hard time deciphering if he did all of this on purpose or if he is  dis-regulated. He would go back and fourth between appearing BPD and appearing NPD... .I don't understand how they can be co-morbid when they are so different deep down. Lots of emotion or none, it is strange. I feel sorry for him, but I feel more sorry for me. I lost the person I loved and it is like a death, yet he is still out there with someone else. It sucks... .

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks for the thoughts and the songs guys... .My BPD has had therapy his whole life... .He will not do the real work at all. One time I sat with him in an office with a therapist where all he did was talk about the blinds on her window. It's sad... .I just know he has to be behaving the same way with the new person. I am sad she is enabling his drinking. I am sad that he will not do any work to change. I had hoped that my leaving would encourage him to do so... .He forced me to leave, so I had to. It's what he wanted. I don't think he is any happier... .In fact I know he is not. I am just sad that I worked so hard and put myself through so much all to be left alone. I am having a hard time deciphering if he did all of this on purpose or if he is  dis-regulated. He would go back and fourth between appearing BPD and appearing NPD... .I don't understand how they can be co-morbid when they are so different deep down. Lots of emotion or none, it is strange. I feel sorry for him, but I feel more sorry for me. I lost the person I loved and it is like a death, yet he is still out there with someone else. It sucks... .

Comeback Story is a song for you.  It's about recovering from a damaging relationship that you didn't want to give up but had to.  The story is about you, not them.  It has a lot of meaning for me because I've tried over and over again to make things work with Jane, at the cost of myself in many ways.  I have a feeling (whether she ever admits it or not) that she will want me back one day, but I'll be to strong to accept it... .even if DBT does make her better.  I'll have no way of knowing if its real or fake and I can't accept the risk.  I can't lose myself to her again.  My favorite line in that song is "You'll rue the day when you understand" because it says everything I feel right now.  I gave her the world, my world, and she didn't want it.  One day, she'll understand that... .but it'll be to late. 

I know how hard rumination is, I've been there before and still have my moments.  It sounds like you are going through it right now.  Why it fell apart can't be explained.  You can't change him, you can only change yourself.  You're better off without him, time will show you that.

[Herodias]

Thanks lonely Astro... .I like the song... .I will have to listen to it over and over,   I wish mine would regret it. He might eventually. He has made an attempt to reach me, but by creating drama about taking me to court, which I know he is lying about. He also said, "I hate the distance between us"... .so ridiculous when he is with someone else!  I have not responded. I am waiting for the I miss you's... .not sure they will happen, but I am sure he misses all we had together. He doesn't like being broke and he is with her. She just got demoted and has financial problems. She doesn't know about his  yet... .I don't want to be used for money. I also helped him when he went through a lot of dark periods.  I wonder if she will be able to handle it... .I am sure he will need to test her on it at some point. We had lots of suicide attempts and hospital visits... .Sometimes I wonder why I haven't been called. Xmas seems to be a trigger, so we will see.

[Lonely_Astro]

Thanks lonely Astro... .I like the song... .I will have to listen to it over and over,   I wish mine would regret it. He might eventually. He has made an attempt to reach me, but by creating drama about taking me to court, which I know he is lying about. He also said, "I hate the distance between us"... .so ridiculous when he is with someone else!  I have not responded. I am waiting for the I miss you's... .not sure they will happen, but I am sure he misses all we had together. He doesn't like being broke and he is with her. She just got demoted and has financial problems. She doesn't know about his  yet... .I don't want to be used for money. I also helped him when he went through a lot of dark periods.  I wonder if she will be able to handle it... .I am sure he will need to test her on it at some point. We had lots of suicide attempts and hospital visits... .Sometimes I wonder why I haven't been called. Xmas seems to be a trigger, so we will see.

I think most of them do regret it, they regret everything, including themselves.  Remember that we love people because we want to love them, they need to love (and be loved).  Love isn't the same for them as it is for us.  Basically, he's still stringing you along in case he needs to fall back on you.  Mine's doing the same thing right now (though we are 3 days NC so far, so I'm relatively certain she's fully painted me black, after she stood me up on a face to face meeting to talk that she requested) and has been for the past 4-5 weeks.  The full rupture hasn't happened until recently, which tells me she has physically slept with my replacement.  The guilt/shame of seeing me triggers her, which is why she's avoiding me.  Mind you, I have no proof of that, just history to go on. 

The holidays are coming, so it will be interesting to see how that goes.  My guess is that she will not give me another thought as she has an appearance to put on for everyone (including her new beau).  I have to admit that I am jealous that he's getting to experience the love that I feel is mind... .but is it really love?  I don't think he'll fair any better than me, but that doesn't make the sting any less painful.  Then again, I also know that my holiday season will be drama free and peaceful, which will be nice.

[Herodias]

LOL, yes... .a drama free holiday for sure! I have been no contact for a little over 2 months... .3 months since I saw him last. He came over here drunk out of his mind 3 months ago... .it wasn't pleasant. He knows I won't take him back because of the drinking... .He just decided to find someone who will put up with it. Weird, because she used to work in a detention center... .you would think she had a clue! Plus her best friend is a therapist although she lives 2 hours away. Her roommate is a cop! Ridiculous he is fooling them all! He has a pending felony and a record! domestic violence as well!  I don't get it... .It's the love-bombing which has to be over with by now- they have been involved for the second time since at least March if not before. They were reconnected in Jan. so I don't know for sure. I don't know why I am obsessed with her getting mad at him and having it over, but I guess he kept saying, no one will put up with me the way you do- I would agree- so now he has to prove me wrong or something! She left her husband for him! Can you imagine?

[Lonely_Astro]

LOL, yes... .a drama free holiday for sure! I have been no contact for a little over 2 months... .3 months since I saw him last. He came over here drunk out of his mind 3 months ago... .it wasn't pleasant. He knows I won't take him back because of the drinking... .He just decided to find someone who will put up with it. Weird, because she used to work in a detention center... .you would think she had a clue! Plus her best friend is a therapist although she lives 2 hours away. Her roommate is a cop! Ridiculous he is fooling them all! He has a pending felony and a record! domestic violence as well!  I don't get it... .It's the love-bombing which has to be over with by now- they have been involved for the second time since at least March if not before. They were reconnected in Jan. so I don't know for sure. I don't know why I am obsessed with her getting mad at him and having it over, but I guess he kept saying, no one will put up with me the way you do- I would agree- so now he has to prove me wrong or something! She left her husband for him! Can you imagine?

Sadly, I can imagine.  While Jane and I started up when I was having marital problems (as she was to), I found solace in her.  I had a chance to repair my marriage, but I just wasn't really open to listening to it because I was being supplied by Jane.  I know that sounds horrible, but it's how it happened.  Unfortunately, Jane lied to me about her pending divorce.  I suppose that means story time:

Last year, Jane told me that she was divorcing Mike (literally, it was around this time last year).  She said she was living with her parents and they were going through all the paperwork.  So, I figured she'd be done by the new year, at the latest.  Time drags on and nothing other than she said that he was fighting her over various antique furniture or some other non-important thing.  By late May or early June, my patience was starting to wear thin with the divorce thing.  Keep in mind that I couldn't really cast stones due to my situation (which was more complicated than hers, not to minimize).  I had been to Jane's parents house for lunch many times (not for a tryst, but actual lunch, though sometimes tryst).  I had wandered throughout the home and noticed that it didn't appear Jane was living there.  Her 'room' was always neat and tidy, no clothes in the closet, etc.  I could just tell she wasn't actually living there, you know?

Anyway, one day she was really pressing me about my divorce and how I was never going to be done and be hers.  So, I took it upon myself to call the clerk at the courthouse and ask for her file.  It's public record, after all.  As you guessed, no record existed.  I immediately called her out on it (which, by the way, she turned around on me) to which she minimized saying she had no idea why it wasn't filed and that his mom (who she claimed Mike was always stuck to the teat of) must've been "f**king someone at the courthouse to 'misplace' the paperwork, which I found to be an absolutely asinine comment.  She also claimed that her parents had paid almost $7,000 to her attorney, so she wanted to know where the money had went.  I pressed for the attorney's name, which she danced around (because she didn't have one).  She actually said at one point that she would show me proof if I wanted (I did).  As of this writing, no proof ever has been shown, by the way.

After the dust settled, we had a big blow up about me not going to a wedding I promised in Feb to go with her to (because neither of us was divorced), I spent July on the outs with her because she was dating another guy behind my back, and in August (after a reconciliation), I found myself back at her parents house (at the time she wouldn't come to my place... .for whatever reason).  I noticed that the 'spare' room was full of her stuff.  An interesting note, since I'm a details kind of guy, was that the bed in that room happened to be the same bed that she had posed and sent me a sexy photo from when we first started seeing each other from (I know this because of its style), which was in jan or feb.  She had claimed to have gotten the stuff out of storage, but my true belief is that is when she moved out of Mike's home.  Unbeknownst to her, when we blew up in July I had talked to a mutual friend who told me that she had attempted a reconciliation with Mike back in the winter.  So... .coincidence that the same bed she had sent me a sexy picture from in jan/feb happened to be the same time frame she was reconciling with Mike (unknown to me, of course)?  You decide.

So, come late October, we had been on the outs with each other for roughly a month (she wouldn't come to my house at all, didn't want to have lunch with me, etc... .basically she was distancing herself), I was scheduled to leave for a trip we planned together (we set it up in September and then she started distancing in October, which led to a full argument the weekend before the trip in October - it was my fault she couldn't go on the trip because I picked a fight, according to her).  I had came to the office to "pick up some stuff" before I hit the road (it was an excuse to see her and ask her one last time if she wanted to go).  While we were having a discussion, the phone rang.  It was a process server who told her to come by their office or they would come to her and serve her divorce papers.  She immediately went off the deep end at that point, so there is no doubt in my mind she was actually served.

We didn't really talk until I got back from the trip.  All she would talk about was the papers.  She was highly upset that he was claiming infidelity (shocker!) as the grounds for divorce.  She has always claimed that she cheated on Mike before they were engaged during a 'rough patch' (she and I had tons of those... .hmmm) with this guy that's like bad Chinese food (keeps coming back) in her life, Nick.  Personally, I believe she's had a thing going with Nick pretty much the whole time, including during my time.  Interesting story about that is around April or May (time gets away in all this madness), I was looking at her phone because I was thinking of switching to what she had and who called?  Nick.  We immediately launched into an argument at that point because there was no legitimate reason for him to be calling.  Keep in mind, when we had a r/s 4 years ago, she had been sleeping with Nick (and had a pregnancy scare with him) which is what led to our demise last go around - so he's a very big sore spot for me.  She made up a lame excuse, which changed a few days later.  I have not, nor will ever believe what she told me.  The whole blowup thing in late June was over me not going to the wedding and because she pointed out Nick to me driving by and "looking hard to see who she was having lunch with" (her words) while we were eating at a park.  I was already on a rip about some work stress I had and I flipped my top on her when she said that to me.  After all, she had switched numbers and cars after marrying Mike, so there was no legitimate reason for Nick to know any of that stuff... .other than she's been seeing him all this time.  I minimized it later, but thats the reality.

So, anyway, here we are.  She loved me up until the point she could fully have me and when it was time to pay the piper, she fled.  I shouldn't be surprised, but that still doesn't make it any easier, especially since I am forced to take the blame (in her mind) for the failure of the relationship.  We went from talking about a trip and holiday plans (late Sept) to not even speaking 2 months later.

It's been a crazy year.

[oceanblue]

Hi Blue,

In some ways, you are mourning a death.  It's the death of the relationship you hope for the and the death of what you believed your ex to be.  It is very hard and very sad. 

Like you, I put tons into my BPD bf, supported him when he was usually out of a job, bought him gifts, took him out for dinners and treated him well.  What always blew me away was that all of the nice things I did for him never built any goodwill and he rarely reciprocated.

I don't think BPDs are able to feel gratitude.  I don't think they even focus on the good in things.  My BPD ex simply took all those things for granted.  I can't remember a time he ever said thank you.  Now I see him as a black hole.  I poured love and time and effort into it but nothing really came back to me.

When you think about it - it's really sad for BPDs that they don't feel loved and they don't feel gratitude. I can guarantee you that your ex is still miserable and hurting on the inside.  The new relationship might provide a temporary distraction but it won't for very long.

This is a really good time to focus on yourself and do nice things for yourself.  Take the love and energy that you spent on your ex and turn it back into yourself and into friendships with people who can reciprocate.

It really does start to feel better in time and you do move on.

[MSNYC]

In the case of mine, he knows that he has a cycle of behaving badly in relationships. He is not friends - even like FB friends or birthday-wishing acquaintances - with single ex gf or former lover. They are all "crazy" (though on several occasions he has admitted to being the crazy one). He even has said to me "I'm sick of being a person that destroys everyone I get close to."

Now that he's seeing someone new, I doubt it means he's done doing that. But that doesn't make it hurt any less knowing he's out there with someone doing all the charming things he does that make people fall in love with him. I used to be on the receiving end of that love, and it was awesome. Just allow yourself to feel crappy for a while. It will get better.

[Herodias]

He actually told me that he appreciated everything I did for him... .I think he just had it in his head that we fight all the time. Maybe I was controlling, but you don't drive drunk, you don't wave guns around when your drunk,you don't buy $1000.00 worth of meat out a meat truck because some guys want to win a contest, you don't bring strangers into your home at 1am and tell them how much everything costs,  you don't drive downtown and get yourself in a bad neighborhood and call me to find you walking around with your pants off because you threw up on them, you don't join millionaire match.com when you are broke and married,you don't do sexting with co-workers,you don't go to a strip club and get yourself beat up and lose your phone, you don't go scuba diving in a pond with an alligator at 2am while on pills, you don't have sex with silicone body parts in the family room with the blinds open and you don't chase women where you work-(I am only getting started- seriously) I don't think I was unreasonable! LOL  I highly doubt anyone else would put up with that and I doubt he is doing any of that now! That's what makes me so nuts is that he did all this horrible stuff and no one knows about it! I am the one who was put through hell... .I am having trouble thinking he is not ever going to do this again... .I hope not, but I can't imagine! I know what you are thinking... .what is so hard to let go of! It's the thought that he is not doing this now and is acting normal- can't be.

[Lonely_Astro]

He actually told me that he appreciated everything I did for him... .I think he just had it in his head that we fight all the time. Maybe I was controlling, but you don't drive drunk, you don't wave guns around when your drunk,you don't buy $1000.00 worth of meat out a meat truck because some guys want to win a contest, you don't bring strangers into your home at 1am and tell them how much everything costs,  you don't drive downtown and get yourself in a bad neighborhood and call me to find you walking around with your pants off because you threw up on them, you don't join millionaire match.com when you are broke and married,you don't do sexting with co-workers,you don't go to a strip club and get yourself beat up and lose your phone, you don't go scuba diving in a pond with an alligator at 2am while on pills, you don't have sex with silicone body parts in the family room with the blinds open and you don't chase women where you work-(I am only getting started- seriously) I don't think I was unreasonable! LOL  I highly doubt anyone else would put up with that and I doubt he is doing any of that now! That's what makes me so nuts is that he did all this horrible stuff and no one knows about it! I am the one who was put through hell... .I am having trouble thinking he is not ever going to do this again... .I hope not, but I can't imagine! I know what you are thinking... .what is so hard to let go of! It's the thought that he is not doing this now and is acting normal- can't be.

Well, he may be acting normal right now, but it's just that: an act.  Underneath that mask, that guy thats done all that stuff to you is wanting to come out.  It's only a matter of time before the facade crumbles and his true self is exposed. 

This is where we all get hung up.  We get caught up in the "are they better with my replacement" and you start focusing on that.  I do it.  Heck, I'm doing it right now as I type this.  Why?  Well, I was NC for 4 days (by her choice, not mine) and she saw me at work today.  She talked to me when no one was around.  After work, she called.  I did think about not answering, but I chose to.  She talked to me (it was pleasant).  I had to get off the phone, as she did too.  She asked if I would call her back.  I gave her time that I would be calling.  At the appointed time, I did call.  Guess what?  She didn't answer.  Basically, she's still wanting to play a game with me.  That's just who they are.

Each day I get stronger to that NC that I want, but don't just quite feel ready for.  Life moves at its own pace, I can't and won't rush it.

[Herodias]

It is tough... .I have been no contact for over 2 months... .he has tried to stir me up each month- I have not responded. He also has a pending felony, so his lawyer may have put the fear of jail time on him to get him to act better until that is out of the way... .who knows. Sometimes I think he wants to "prove' it was me causing him to act that way... .Deep down he knows... he knows he is not right and he knows that I know him better than anyone.

[Lonely_Astro]

It is tough... .I have been no contact for over 2 months... .he has tried to stir me up each month- I have not responded. He also has a pending felony, so his lawyer may have put the fear of jail time on him to get him to act better until that is out of the way... .who knows. Sometimes I think he wants to "prove' it was me causing him to act that way... .Deep down he knows... he knows he is not right and he knows that I know him better than anyone.

That's just it.  She has admitted to me many times over the course of this year that I am the only one who knows her better than anyone (and I do believe that I am the only one of a few that knows she has BPD).  During our time together and she was lucid, we had several conversations about that.  She told me that she often wanted to reach out to me in the years we were NC because I could understand what she was experiencing.  That I was the only one who seemed to have cared enough to educate myself on BPD.  Is that true?  I don't know, now.  At the time, I fully believed it.

She would (and will) freely admit that she isn't right.  That's the easy part.  Whats not so easy is getting her to do something about it.  Thats what frustrated me the most.  I just can't see the world like her, even if I have the ability to empathize with her that can only take me so far.

Over the past several weeks, there has been a lot of pain initiated by both of us onto each other.  Mine wasn't always intentional, but I do know of ways to push her buttons (just like she knows how to push mine).  Maybe in the coming days we'll be able to talk and move forward with our lives.  I have hope that is what will happen, anyway.

As I said, she called me after work, but even then she was trying to bait me to an emotional response to things because I was being cordial without being overly emotional (even though I really wanted to be).  During that I was telling her about how our mutual friend had talked to me yesterday (she had talked to Jane today about not wanting to be a buffer for us).  During that, I told her that I had not meant to use our friend as a buffer, as I had not talked to said friend about us since our crisis in July.  That sparked something I wish it hadn't.  Jane told me that the guy she cheated on me with in July 'randomly' sent her a snapchat asking her 'how she was' and she wanted to let me know in case I heard about it and she wanted to 'be honest with me' that he had contacted her.  Not sure why she felt that was relevant, but she did.  She assured me that she wasn't seeing him and that she responded to him by saying she wanted him to leave her alone, but frankly I don't believe that.  I mean, why would you even bring up such a thing in such a delicate time (though I am dealing with a mentally disordered person so... .)?  I can only figure that she did so to invoke an emotional response (i.e. hurt, jealousy, anger) from me.

She also spent some of the face to face time we had at my office today telling me about how she wasn't doing anything 'wrong' (i.e., cheating on me) during this difficult time between us.  She told me she felt like I was always thinking that she was doing something, even though she wasn't (persecution).  Personally, I feel like those are veiled confessions.  Maybe I'm looking to deeply into it, but those are the wounds of being in such a relationship that lacks trust.

Anyway, while I want some since of closure and maybe I'll get it, I know that after some length of time NC, my life will stabilize and I will feel better.  I'm just not there yet.