Husband's domestic violence class assignment...kind of scary

[Rose409]

He's been in this weekly class for a month now and they want him to ask the people he loves (so me and the kids) what about him pisses them off. Whoa. The kids and I don't want to answer because of his explosive rage. If I answered truthfully, the rage would be unstoppable. Should I just write some "little" things like mixing colors in the wash? ;) I think it's way too soon for this to be an assignment for him and the other guys in this class

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

So...for the sake of this discussion, let's assume it's a legit assignment.  Continuing with that assumption, it is unlikely to help the program he is in to "undo" their assignments...since that makes it much more likely that you will NOT get the result the program is designed to attain.

I do think it wise to honestly tell your hubby that you will consider the assignment as long as you can speak directly to the program leader, to make sure you understand the instructions as the class leader wishes you to understand them.

I highly doubt the class leader used the exact language your husband shared (it's possible...but I would doubt it). 

I think I'm taking a different path here than others..maybe.

1.  Better to say nothing than to whitewash or minimize.  If you "only" talk to him about minimal things now, then it's weird to bring up other stuff later.

2.  If access to class leader is granted...understand the assignment and express your fears..don't hold back.  What is the class leader's involvement if the assignment goes south.  Does your hubby just "flunk" the class?

3.  Once you gain clarity...be completely transparent...your hubby won't like it..let the structure of his program contain this, that's not your job.

If for some reason there is no access to clarify assignments, I don't think I would participate at all. (and I think you should be clear with your hubby about that and your reasons).  That seems much better than you  trying to "guess" at the appropriate input.


Best,

FF

[Rose409]

Thanks and I agree. It is legit, I saw it in his book. I had a laundry list but I'm not giving him anything. I told him he would rage and he smiled and said no I won't. But today he's harassing me on Facebook for having nothing down for relationship status! I don't know how to deal today

[Skip]

What does he do that makes the relationship hard?

[Rose409]

He's bpd.

[formflier]

What does he do that makes the relationship hard?

Can you write down what you would like to say to him if you were completely honest?

That would help me put this in perspective.

Best,

FF

[Skip]

What does he do that makes the relationship hard?

He's bpd.

BPD is a noun.  I was really looking for a verb.  

We can help a lot better if you confide in us. It's all anonymous so it is safe.

Let's try another direction.

What do you two fight about? Most troubled marriages have a re-occurring dispute in their relationship.

How did your husband come to be in a domestic violence class?

Was there an incident? What was is it? Who ordered the class? What type of class (anger management, substance abuse, relationship recovery, group therapy, etc)? Who is teaching it (officer, psychologist, sponsor, etc)?

Generally DV classes focus on breaking the cycle of violence and discussion of power and control.

[Rose409]

Oh, I'm sorry. Let's see...extreme irrational jealously...delusions ..gaslighting ..lying to excess...stealing and destroying my stuff...harassing texts and emails...today I found out he created a Gmail account in 2015 under my name...that's just the tip of the iceberg.
In February I had a business trip to Hawaii. When I returned he pinned me to the bed to get my phone out of my hands. I was scared and called 911...first time ever. He was charged with harassment (no jail), allowed to live here and is on probation for 2:tears. The harassment continues and I could have him thrown in jail, but he's 65 and disabled and I can't do that. I don't know who is teaching the class but it is a state court ordered program, batterers intervention (though NEVER anything physical). He has been emotionally and verbally abusive all our lives.
I am so exhausted. Honestly I didn't know what he had until a month or so ago and read "Stop Walking on Eggshells" and was blown away...it is him. Thanks.

[Rose409]

People say just leave. We all know how hard it is. We bought a beach lot several years ago where we were going to live out retirement dreams. We are in the middle of remodeling the old house to sell and we're planning to start building this year but I CANT. It is NOT FAIR that I don't get my dream. I have two large furbabies who would go with me. My job is suffering terribly and I have to tell my boss this week what's going on. I don't know anymore

[Skip]

Oh, I'm sorry. Let's see..extreme irrational jealously...

I know this is delicate, but I feel important parts of this story that are missing. We can't help unless we really understand it all.

Sexy undergarments. You mention hiding your sexy undergarments so that he can't find them. If he is not seeing these on you when you are together, and knows you buy and hide these thing from him, this could be driving a great deal of "distrust". If he suspects that you changing your undergarment after you leave the house, or only use them when you are on trips, this would be unsettling to most men.

I'm not defending his actions... I'm just trying to bring forward that there may be troubling behavior on both sides of the fence.

Clandestine meet-up. You mention a huge violent struggle to keep him from seeing your phone when you returned from Hawaii. My partner asks to see my phone from time to time - and we know each others passwords. I don't like it so much, but builds trust. It's a worthy trade-off.

Was part of the reason you fought so hard over the phone is because there were texts between you and another man you met up with in Hawaii? You shared that the dinner didn't turn out well -  you reported having blacked out, having sexual intercourse, and believing that he spiked your drink with Rohypnol. Eventually, your husband ended up seeing the dinner receipt and text messages between you and the man. This would be concerning to any man.

Again, I'm not defending his actions... I'm just trying to bring forward that there may be troubling behavior on both sides of the fence.

Oh, I'm sorry. Let's see...gaslighting ..lying to excess...

Did your husband know about the dinner plans? What did you tell him in response to his questions about the texts and the restaurant receipt?

Again, I'm not defending his actions... I'm just trying to bring forward that there may be troubling behavior on both sides of the fence.

We are in the middle of remodeling the old house to sell and we're planning to start building this year but I CANT. It is NOT FAIR that I don't get my dream.

It sounds like its a very broken relationship. Are you thinking its time to sell the old house and split up?  Do you think your husband questions about what bothers you are sincere and trying to fix things, or do you see it as something else? Do you want to fix things or is it over?

Hard to read. Hard questions. I know. We're trying to help.

[Rose409]

I've been abused for 38 years. It's over. Do you ask those kinds of painful questions to everyone looking for help here? He screams first and asks questions later. Had he been able to have a normal conversation, we could have talked it through but that isn't something he's capable of. The undergarments were bought for him to help his ED if you must know. He didn't notice them or say a word, just stole them assuming they were for someone else. His extreme lack of self esteem was behind that . I'm just not into being grilled right now  Trust me I've already  had the questions with my therapist. I just wanted an opinion on a question. Thanks anyway.

[Rose409]

Seriously, maybe you could ask what would have happened if he knew you went to dinner with an old friend? Rage. Uncontrolled.
What would happen if I told him about the rape? A crime. I do not wish for him to be in jail.
How many times did you have to hide yourself and kids from his rages? Too many to count.
How many affairs has he had? Five including one now. How many have I had? None.
There is much much more to my history and I have neither the time nor the motivation to answer more irrelevant questions. I asked for advice in how to fill out his assignment, that's all.

[Skip]

Rose, we're trying to help.

This is the Bettering Board and we try to help members see the dynamics of their relationships and wht changes they can make to improve their situation.

For example, you say that your husband is really upset when you buy sexy under-garments and he takes them away from you. You also say that he is in a sexual affair with another women which really upsets you.  And the reason you you buy the undergarment is to help him with his erectile dysfunction.

If this is truly the situation, buying sexy underwear is probably not a good idea on a number of levels.

He's been in this weekly class for a month now and they want him to ask the people he loves (so me and the kids) what about him pisses them off. Whoa. The kids and I don't want to answer because of his explosive rage. If I answered truthfully, the rage would be unstoppable. Should I just write some "little" things like mixing colors in the wash? ;) I think it's way too soon for this to be an assignment for him and the other guys in this class

This is a rhetorical question. If this is the only information members have, what possible answer is there? We have no context to really advise you so we can only take on your conclusion and say "you go girl".

If there is infidelity and jealousy and a quick temper, it is reasonable to say this. It's just important to phrase it in a constructive way.

My first question would be to ask him to explain the assignment. What type of information is he looking for and how does it fit into the program. What are examples of the types of things he is looking for. Then you might simply want to say

You know John, I really thought about this after we talked. I want to be honest and I want to be constructive and support you with your program. The hardest thing for me is that when there is a disagreement we can't talk about it and resolve it together, peacefully. Too often, it becomes a fight and emotions flair on both sides. I'd like to see this change and I'm certainly willing to do my part.

I've been abused for 38 years. It's over.

Sre you past the point of trying to make day to day things better?

[formflier]

Hey Rose409

I'm sorry you are hurting.

Would it be better to set aside the "assignment" for a bit and discuss other things to improve?

Best,

FF