Briefly dated coworker with BPD and now things are rough

[85crt]

Hi there

So here's my story.  I met this girl at work and we hit it off.  She's just my type and our mutual attraction was evident from the beginning.  Plus we share a ton of interests and the conversation just flowed.

However even from the start something was different.  She told me she just got out of a very abusive relationship- in fact he broke her nose just days before I met her when she had gone to get the last of her things.

Well I was fine to take things very slow but 1 day she needed a ride home.  I gave it to her and we had a great talk and she asked for my #.  We started texting and quickly made plans to hang out. 

She also told me she had BPD and kept saying "I've told you everything so if you don't want to talk to me that's fine" and "doesn't all this raise red flags?"  I said look... I'm patient, I'm a chill guy, and I genuinely am interested in you and see potential because this connection we made so of course I'm not just going to walk away.

I knew she had a lot weighing on her and so on our date I got her favorite snacks and took her to a park and we just talked for hours.  She told me a lot about her struggles and cried and I shared my life and I held her and it was really something powerfully emotional.  She kept warning me against idealizing her and telling me she really wasn't worth the trouble and she really wasn't pretty and she always hurts people.  And we made out.  She started asking me if I had a high sex drive because she has a really high sex drive and not everyone can keep up.  I said I think I'll be fine but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

So I take her home and we are both head over heels gaga. 

But suddenly things change.  She asks me for another date after work but I couldn't because my cat had just got home from the vet and I had to get home to medicate her.  But I said I'd give her a ride and we could talk for a little bit I just had to get home a little early.

She said she understood but as soon as we got in the car she was crying.  She said she wasn't sure she could do this and she didn't know what she wants and she didn't know what I expect.  I said I just want to spend time with her and continue to get to know her.

Took her home and we talked some more and left it at we would just think about it because if she wasn't ready then we could cool it.  She gave me a hug and then asked if I wanted to make out which was odd after all that... I told her it wasn't a good idea.

So over the course of the next week things got weird.  I'll summarize because it's been a weird few weeks.

First she told me she wanted to just be a casual thing.  But after that she started avoiding me and ignoring texts, then just texting me she's depressed and nothing else.  I asked to hang out and she said she would rather hang out with her friend and then a few days later I asked again and she said "I don't want to". 

She started leaving from work early every day and won't look at me or acknowledge I exist.  I've sent a couple texts letting her know I'm still there for her but she ignores them.

Last night we had to work together in the same area but on different tasks and she completely ignored me while talking and laughing with everyone else around.  I let it get to me and since we weren't really speaking and she wouldn't look at me I slipped her a note asking could we take our lunch together.  She crumpled it up and said no then moved to the back of the office to work alone.

I reacted poorly I guess... I just sent a bunch of texts describing how I feel and that I wish we could just talk like we had been when we had this really cool friendship/romance.  No reply.

So Idk.  I know folks might say don't date a coworker and I never had before.  I also wouldn't have if she didn't give me her number and say she wanted to hang out.  And I am the first to admit that I'm not good with abandonment and not talking and so I felt really great like I was helping her and we would have this great relationship.  So I know I haven't helped matters.

But I really need advice.  Obviously I'll just go no contact.  No choice.  But should I every few weeks send a text to let her know I'm still there?  Or what should I do?  Idk.  Help .

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[Mutt]

Hi 85crt,

 

I understand how a pwBPD are intense when they emotionally bear down on us at the onset of the r/s and

I understand how confusing and hurtful it can be when the emotional intensity is quickly met with emotional coldness. First I'd suggest to read as much as you can about the disorder it's not so much to show her how much you know it's to depersonalize the behaviours and normalize them. Push / pull behaviour is common with pwBPD and right now she's pushing it could be for a number of reasons, she sounds like she has a certain level of awareness if she is warning you about her behaviours. Some people are completely ignorant with their behaviours, she might be feeling engulfed or worried that you're going to abandon her I know that these behaviours are confusing when you reassure your partner that you're not going to do those things.

I'd suggest to not do anything, don't send her notes, invitations etc... .see if she pulls and comes back to you, I think that anything that you do at this point is just going to push her and she knows that you'll just keep trying.

[once removed]

ouch, thats tough.

ive been in a similar situation with a gal, and when she went cold and cut me off it really stung, and i found it difficult to move past.

i agree with Mutt that silence is probably your friend right now. youve reached out. she may need to cool off.

obviously, if you have to work with her again, just be polite and give her space, definitely dont give her the cold shoulder back, but dont push.

you think you might be working with her again any time soon?

[85crt]

Thx for the replies so far.  I look forward to more because it's funny but just having strangers to talk to about this helps.  Just venting has helped me.

I work with her 4 days a week but our shift is only the same Tue-Thur.  It's a call center and we don't really interact unless it is on break or like last night with a special project.  We're both like assistant supervisors.

I don't think she came in today.  Doesn't look like it.  Which sucks because I know she's probably having a hard time.

3 days in a row last week she went home early after 2 hours.

I just worry about her but I won't reach out anymore.  I'm the 1st to admit I have serious clingy abandonment issues too- I never knew my dad and my mom is real cold/unaffectionate.  And the rest of my family kinda betrayed me  so long story short I say I don't have one.

What sucks is I knew I shouldn't push but I just emotionally wanted to be there for her after she told me so much and we were so comfortable together.  Just felt natural and amazing.

I'm scared if I back off she'll just never come back and we won't even have a friendship let alone an intimate relationship.

[zachira]

Borderline women are very attractive to men in the beginning and their worst nightmare in the end. There is nothing you can do to fix her or make her feel better about herself. Treat her with kindness and respect at work when you have to come into contact with her, as this shows what kind of person you are.  Make it clear you do not want to socialize with her at work or outside. Your challenge is to become more indifferent to her which takes time. Borderlines will keep coming after you, if they think they can have some kind of emotional impact on you.

[EdR]

Hi 85crt!

I kinda like your story. Well... .I hate that something like this is happening to you, but I like the image of you which seems to shine through. And I 'like' the similarities... .well... .again.

I was in a really close friendship with someone with the same traits. And the same thing happened... .although the 'good' phase lasted almost 2,5 years... .and not as short as in your case.

Tbh, I think you have received great advice.
1) do NOT pursue. It will push her away. (and unfortunately it is only human to want to reconnect in some way or another
2) treat her like you are unaffected by her. Do not get emotional, do not get sad, do not get mad.

She already gave you the diagnosis, so that's a bonus! And you really sound like a stand up guy.
But that may be your 'problem'

She craves attention, she fears abandonment. However, she is probably more used to the quick sexual fix. No true emotional connection whatsoever. She would probably like that deep down inside, but she cannot have that or at least sustain it.
You however were not the superficial guy. You wanted it to work out. You quickly established an emotional connection with her.

That's exactly when her fear of engulfment and fear of abandonment kicked in (the latter is a little complicated, but it feels better for her to give you the cold shoulder than to feel all these emotions and eventually get hurt. Even if you would never hurt her, that's how she feels subconsciously).

I wish she would be able to break that cycle, because you seem like a genuine good guy. But unfortunately she won't. And you were probably too good in a way :-(

[once removed]

I'm the 1st to admit I have serious clingy abandonment issues too- I never knew my dad and my mom is real cold/unaffectionate.  And the rest of my family kinda betrayed me  so long story short I say I don't have one.

i hope youll stick around. not only does it help to talk, but this place has taught me so much; my relationship ended seven years ago now, but this place has kept me learning into the future, and taken me toward far healthier, happier, relationships of all kinds. we also have a board where you can discuss your family and childhood here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

[85crt]

Well I am definitely appreciating all this and looking forward to more. 

I will say I don't think I can just give up on her so easy but I'm going to go out of my way to make sure any contact at work is minimal and only if necessary.  Other than that I guess she's kinda out of my life for now.

Makes me sad.  Makes me sad for her, for me, for her future because she is just in such a bad place.

I wish there was some magic thing someone will tell me that will snap her out of this state and bring her back.  But I know there's not.  So I'll just try to move on and keep hope tucked away.

I'll definitely be reading all this forum and posting because this process alone seems to kind of relieve the depressing burden this has put on me.

[zachira]

You sound like a kind and caring guy who does not like to hurt anyone. You are a good example in how to break things off by setting appropriate boundaries and being kind to her which in the distant future may help her.  Most people would have been mean to her about breaking things off and then that reinforces her victim status. Keep up the good work in making changes and seeking inner and outer feedback. I admire anybody who says they've made a mistake and will do things differently in the future.

[85crt]

Update- she reported me to HR that I tried to "force" her to go to lunch with me when I slipped her the note.

I'll be honest- I'm interviewing for a supervisor role next week and I told them the complete truth about our "relationship" and her disorder. 

I'm pretty hurt because I did not try to force her to do anything... I asked via note and was told rudely no.  And then she went off with the supervisor I suspect is her "FP" (as I'm learning about BPD) and obviously complained and then moved to the back of the office.

So then I went to lunch by myself.  She didn't go for another hour.

Now what the heck do I do... how can I even talk to her in the future?  Can I?  I'm embarassed... ashamed... upset... I think HR took it all pretty well... I don't see an issue... but I don't know how to proceed.

She must really hate me now.

[zachira]

Now, you have no choice and have to give her the cold shoulder and do what it takes to protect yourself. It is clear that you do not enjoy adversarial relationships, and do not like to hurt anyone. She is responsible for her feelings and her actions.

[EdR]

Hi crt,

The fact that she reported you fits in the typical pattern. To you it will feel like betrayal, like madness... .and it still feels that way for a lot of us as well. Me very much included.

But one way or another this may help you. You know you will have to keep your distance for your own sake. Do NOT be surprised if you give her the cold shoulder, that she will say something like 'this was never my intention'. She did in my case, but continued her behaviour.

So stay vigilant.

And count your blessings. HR took it well enough AND your coworker is a confirmed pwBPD.
Those things may not seem like much now, but you will value them in hindsight.

[once removed]

Update- she reported me to HR that I tried to "force" her to go to lunch with me when I slipped her the note.

this is tough.

its easy for me to tell you that this (what she did, what shes been doing) is a reaction to distorted thoughts and feelings, and it is, but i understand that does little to take away the pain.

Now what the heck do I do...

lay low, nurse your wounds, work through your frustrations and pain here with us. this will blow over.

[85crt]

I'll say this... for the 1st time I see how this can go.  And at first I was really devestated but it was cathartic to talk to hr... really nice lady... and I think they've seen some of this from her before.

She assured me this is so minor for me and won't impact a possible promotion and said I'll have to figure out if this person is worth talking to outside work if she comes back.  It helps if they talk to her that my last text was apologizing for being unprofessional, saying it won't happen again, and that I care about her.  Even though honestly it was just a note .

I also feel like... this kind of reinforces that I am important to her.  She wouldn't overreact and ignore me if there wasn't something emotional there.

It also feels final.  I don't think it's over but if she does come back I'll have to really consider taking the risk.  Right now I'd still say yes but in a few months maybe not.  I just know like what was said... now I really won't speak to her at work or otherwise.

[85crt]

Also she didn't come in today.  Yesterday she had come but I guess left super early and today not at all.

Just interesting.  She is really running from everything right now.  And it sucks because I'd love to be there for her.

[once removed]

I also feel like... this kind of reinforces that I am important to her.  She wouldn't overreact and ignore me if there wasn't something emotional there.

there is. drama is a connection. thats not something to necessarily take too much solace in, as many stories here will attest to. you might want to read up a bit on splitting (more here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62033.0)

And it sucks because I'd love to be there for her.

what would being there for her look like to you?

[85crt]

Being there for her would giving her someone to talk to.  To listen like I did in the park.  To hold her like I did and let her cry.  To help build her up... I'm a very positive person and we talked about getting her to work out and be active and go places together.

I play poker at Winstar all the time and we talked about me teaching her and getting her a hobby.

I told her how I had been in a deep depression when my mom need a double hip replacement and I had to work 7 days a week for a year... poker and exercise and just being able to go somewhere quiet and vibe saved me.  I told her about it and how I had wished I had someone with me.  Being there would mean being that someone.

We both love video games and were going to play online on our PS4s.  I thought that would give her something to look forward to instead of just sleeping and being down.

I really saw this whole future where I could help.  I guess because it felt like I've always been missing a piece of something somewhere and she seemed to fit right in the spot even with her issues.

And I seemed to fit in hers.

She told me after I mentioned poker she had gone home and studied it and loved my passion and wanted to learn and she started envisioning this relationship with me.  I can see it too.

But damn now I just feel like she hates me.  Feel like I drove her away.  I know I didn't right... but right now typing this it feels like it.

She was my dream girl.  And then it just turned off.  Went away.  I'll say she warned me.  She said she pushes people away.  The first time she told me that maybe things were moving too fast she also told me she had just had a big fight with her best friend and they would no longer speak and that she always "pushes everyone away".

And she talked about even though every second together was amazing in the end she still felt "empty".

Idk I'm rambling I'm sorry but it feels good... I've not found many people I really connect with and this just blew me away.

So Idk maybe I'm dumb but yea that's being there for her and I would still love that.  Damn it smh

[EdR]

Maybe it's me, but I seem to notice that you are not responding to some of the more 'warning replies' here.

Do not get me wrong: most of us understand the connection you feel and I agree that her 'weird' behaviour is a testament to that. She is splitting black.

But you've only dated her briefly, so I would really like to say: use that to your advantage. Do NOT let yourself get dragged in even more. You seem to be already emotionally invested and would like to continue down that road. But the more emotionally invested you become, the harder it will be to truly let go.
Take it from someone who had 2-2,5 good years before she really split black. And some of us even were in marriages, some even of 10+ years, some even with children.

HR was pretty okay now, but what do you think they would say when she would indicate that you 'are not leaving her alone'.
Her absence from work means enough in this respect.
It is quite likely that she eventually will show you some of her 'nice side' again. And in the emotional state you are in now, how likely will you be to believe her and pursue?

Maybe you would text her for a while again and everything could feel fine again. Until you are suddenly called to HR again for no apparent reason... .But then HR would probably not understand your POV so easily: they wouldn't understand your emotional investment and the fact that you possibly ignored the warning signs.

My post of course paints a possible scenario. Not one that has already happened. But I genuinely try to help you here. Try and create some more emotional distance for yourself. Don't get sucked in even more.

[BasementDweller]

Hi, 85crt -

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I have to second EdR here and advise you to lay low and avoid contact with her as much as possible, despite having feelings for her and wanting to help. I don't doubt at all that you care for her and don't mean her any harm and just want to be there for her, but the hard fast rules about harrassment in the work place are that if a person says that your contact or attention is unwanted, and you continue to try to initiate contact with them, then that's considered harrassment. One invitation to lunch which she turned down isn't harassment. Subsequent overtures after she said no once already, would be considered harrassment in the eyes of HR. It matters not if her thinking is disordered, or your intentions are ones of kindness - the rules are the rules, and these things are pretty strict. I speak from professional experence in this area. HR HAS to take it seriously if she reports harrassment. Harrassment complaints have to be investigated as valid.

On the bright side, I don't know if you have fixed working hours, but it sounds as if her work performance is horrible. Leaving early frequently, not coming in at all, taking a lot of "sick days"... .etc. If you continue to do your best at work, ignore her, and let her do her own thing, it will likely not go unnoticed that one of you is fulfilling their job duties, and the other is not. Not that I am suggesting you want her to be punished, but if she continues stirring the pot, and not showing up for work, she will accomplish this herself.

I know you care about her, but laying low, and not provoking her anxiety right now is the best possible thing you can do for both yourself, and her. Yourself, because you don't want another harrassment report, and her, because if she feels uncomfortable or pressured, she may miss more work, and that will not be in her best interests either.

I hope you find some peace and a good resolution to all this soon, but for now, I think keeping distance is the best thing you can do.

[85crt]

I will definitely be keeping distance no worries there.  I'll try my best to make sure we aren't in the break room or even the same elevator and all talk will be business, which should be rare.

I'm also hitting the gym hard and I really think despite this I have a great shot at this promotion- I'm well liked and a top top performer.  Plus her "FP" supervisor has been super nice to me since then... I know she spoke to him and he seems to know her well as he's her direct supervisor so I'm thinking he knows how she is.

I'm just going to focus on other things and I'm also hoping that seeing me move on like that and succeed will if nothing else ease her mind from whatever suffering she currently feels.

And yes I'm liable to melt down and pine at any second haha but I know that will fade.  Right now we had more good times then bad but in 3 weeks that ratio will be reversed. 

I hear the warnings but I just can't accept this idea that she's this ball of disfunction and the good I saw was just a flash and not the other way around.  I'm sure that's wrong but I just hate to believe that.  I know mental illness is serious but damn.  Just so unfair to both of us smh.

[juju2]

It's going to be o.k.

I found you can't rely on their words.

And actions aren't much better.

To be I a relationship w someone w BPD, takes me being at the top of my game, intuitive, caring, feeling.

If i look or act desperate, huge turn off for them.

I have to do the opposite of what i believe I should do.

It's like being in a relationship w a hummingbird.

I know that sounds very strange.

They are beautiful, striking, wonderful, skittish as heck... .

If you can be a calm watering place, calm  calm, calm.

You will attract your beautiful hummingbird.

You can't attract hummingbirds by pursuit.

[once removed]

how is it going? any update?