All the time we have lost

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi
I thought to write a little paragraph on the topic of all the lost time in our lifetime through disagreements and general emotional drain from interactions with our borderline type family member, partner or friend.

Certainly from my side and the 9 year relationship with my uBPD wife, I must say that the time has been spent merely surviving and going through the motions of living our lives.  We had, or perhaps more accurately, my wife had a good spell in the 1st half of the year and our joint progress in life, jobs and life plans was great.  The latter half of the year has been a struggle, it’s like just do what you need to, to survive.  No energy for anything else.  It’s quite sad to exist like this.

It is sad to consider how all the lost time could have been used.  What we could have achieved together….

I guess many people may feel this too, in this type of situation.  I guess my situation should be just aim to control my own moods and remain productive.  The moods and anger of my partner have taken a toll on my own health, I just feel so anxious around my wife and for a number of months I have been trying to investigate with my doctor why I feel so weird, like pain in the heart and slight difficulty breathing.  We are guessing it is stress and guess what I score very highly for depression.

No doubt tough dealing with these situations,

Hope and best wishes to you all

[Ruskin]

Hi
I thought to write a little paragraph on the topic of all the lost time in our lifetime through disagreements and general emotional drain from interactions with our borderline type family member, partner or friend.

Certainly from my side and the 9 year relationship with my uBPD wife, I must say that the time has been spent merely surviving and going through the motions of living our lives.  We had, or perhaps more accurately, my wife had a good spell in the 1st half of the year and our joint progress in life, jobs and life plans was great.  The latter half of the year has been a struggle, it’s like just do what you need to, to survive.  No energy for anything else.  It’s quite sad to exist like this.

It is sad to consider how all the lost time could have been used.  What we could have achieved together….

I guess many people may feel this too, in this type of situation.  I guess my situation should be just aim to control my own moods and remain productive.  The moods and anger of my partner have taken a toll on my own health, I just feel so anxious around my wife and for a number of months I have been trying to investigate with my doctor why I feel so weird, like pain in the heart and slight difficulty breathing.  We are guessing it is stress and guess what I score very highly for depression.

No doubt tough dealing with these situations,

Hope and best wishes to you all

[Red5]

Wow Ruskin, you got my attention... .

I think about this often as well, .I think the term “disruptive” was flashing on my radar the other day.

Yeah, .I read about the “emptiness” and the constant attempts of the “Non” to fill it... .

Like last night, uBPDw could be heard screaming at her own Son who is a Staff Sergeant in the Air Force many thousands of miles away... .on her iPhone... .and for added effect, it went on for over three hours... .and on speaker mode... .as the rest of us in the house tried to go about our evening routine... .me and my Son, the two stray cats, and my old and elderly dog... .we were all like... .”really”... .

I’d like to know how many miles I’ve driven after me and my Son had/had enough and just left to escape it... .more wasted time that could have been spent doing something else.

I’d like to know, the hours, the days... .even months that have been wasted... .waiting... .waiting for what... .for “her” to be a good wife, a friend, a companion... .for her to “get better”... .

There comes a time... .yes... .there comes a time that enough is enough,

Great post Ruskin!

Red5

[Cat Familiar]

Well, having been a veteran of two BPD husbands, I'll say there are extremely toxic pwBPD and mildly annoying pwBPD, at two far ends of the spectrum.

With my first husband, the extremely toxic one, everyday was either a crisis point, or recovering from a crisis--years of it. And how I endured that, I really have no clue.

What it did for me when I finally got myself out of that horrible marriage and began therapy, was to develop a strong sense of self and a positive outlook on life. Nonetheless, I still fell into the arms of husband #2, the mildly annoying one.

At the point where the honeymoon was over and I began realizing that this wonderful man was not who I thought he was but still a kind and decent person---I had very little tolerance for crazy behavior. Husband #1 had used up all my forbearance for insanity.

So, like most people here, I assumed that if I could only find the right words, I could talk him out of his neurosis. Of course that was destined to fail and it just made things worse. Feeling resourceless, I found myself here about four years ago. With what I've learned since then, my relationship now functions smoothly and I'm content.

That said, it's not the romantic fantasy that I thought it was and I'll go back to the "annoying" theme. I realize that some of the BPD behavior will always be there ("You don't care," "Nobody likes me," "I'm nobody," "My feelings don't matter") and I just have to go about my business, rather than try and intervene and "help" him, as I would have done before.

It's a damn shame and we could have a much better relationship, but for the BPD. However, what I've learned here on BPD Family and the surprising "gift" this relationship has given me is much better people skills that help me in all contexts, a far greater trust of myself and sense of self-reliance, and a huge amount of independence. Learning what I've accumulated in the last four years has felt like getting a PhD in self-acceptance and self-love. So... .that's something... .

[Red5]

Learning what I've accumulated in the last four years has felt like getting a PhD in self-acceptance and self-love. So... .that's something... .

Check this out... .so I go to see Mr.’T’ today, he is an older man, and I like him, he listened to my latest war stories and so forth and so on... .a good session... .

This is what he said to me when it was over and we were doing the handshakes and pleasantries at the front hatch... .“you seem to be very well versed in your knowledge of BPD, npd, ptsd and cptsd... .you seem to know as much and as well can effectively articulate as a person with a degree in the subject matter... .you could probably even teach a class on BPD right now”... .

Red5 was like... .wow’

His words kind of struck me... .I honestly did not know to be horrorfied or else impressed ?

I replied with this... .“well Doc... .if your out to sea and a castaway it is a good idea to read the inflation instructions for the life raft”... .“not that I know much about life rafts... .but I do want to survive until the Cutter arrives”... .

Yeah wow... .NOTHING replaces real world operational experience !

Hmmmm, another interesting day on the streets of BPD ville... .

Red5

[Enabler]

Sep 97 - Jan 98 - Bliss
Jan 98 - Jun 99 - Fighting fires regularly
Jun 99 - Jun 00 - Better more of the time but worse some of the time
June 00 - Dec 00 - Awesome again (Travelling round the world)
Dec 00 - Sep 01 - Tense up till marriage
Sep 01 - Mar 03 - Shocker
Mar 03 - Jun 03 -  Separated
Jun 03 - Mar 07 - Separate lives she was emotionally numb to me
Mar 07 - Jun 07 - Separated
Jun 07 - Jan 16 - Mix of good bad awesome and ugly ... .we were having kids
Jan 16 - Current - Mix of her having an affair, separating, her starting divorce

In 21 years together I reckon we have had:

Good / Great - 10yrs
Turbulent - 4yrs
Separated / Divorcing / Emotionally Numb - 7yrs

Nothing is achieved in the bad periods, careers are on hold, everything is on hold, life stagnates and is joyless. Then in the good years it's full steam ahead.

Horrible when you put hard numbers against it

Enabler

[Red5]

... .time, when it’s gone it’s sure gone, can’t roll back the hands on the clock... .

What could have been, what was it a dream... .an illusion... .a mirage,

I know, I’ve “read”’ all the “source data” in regards to subject,  

I wrote a thread quite a while back called “metrics”, I also broke it down from the start to that particular increment of time, and it shook me... .as Enabler wrote above, to see it all neatly written out like reading a crash investigators report... .

And what has changed since that time,  well;... .things are in fact much worse.

I’ll have to dig that critter up in the seemingly endless labyrinth of old threads... .maybe I’ll update it.

One things for sure, the woman that I’ve been pursueing all these years, .my match... .my soulmate... .the perfect one, the one I seem to still dream about... .I thought that I had her two times now... .yes  time... .some thirty years of it has added up... .but seems she’s escaped me again ?

Time... .I’m fifty two now, if I live to be a hundred... .well as they say... .“please fasten your seat belts and secure all lose items, power down your electronic devices... .we are about to begin our decent into the rest of your life... .

Red5

[Enabler]

And another thing... .whilst I'm on a demi rant... .my W has currently racked up a total of 15m of wasted lapse time in the divorce process she claims to so desperately need to get away from me with delay and procrastination.

[Cat Familiar]

It can be really painful to "face the facts" instead of dwelling in a fantasy of "what could be."

I'm a "glass half full" gal, so I tend to look on the optimistic side and that has really bitten me in the butt at times. That damn "wishful thinking" sometimes has become "magical thinking" in that I haven't fully looked at what Red calls the "metrics."

Having been through this cycle so many times, I find I'm much more capable of looking at things without the "rose colored glasses."

I find it interesting how many common metaphors I've used in this post. It seems so universal that we humans want the "happy ever after" fantasy--it's part of our lexicon.

[Red5]

It seems so universal that we humans want the "happy ever after" fantasy... .

... .and the county dog pound is full of "happily ever after's"... .and we as caretakers would take every single one of them home with us if we could : )

Yes I would !

Red5

[Ruskin]

Check this out... .so I go to see Mr.’T’ today, he is an older man, and I like him, he listened to my latest war stories and so forth and so on ... .a good session ... .

This is what he said to me when it was over and we were doing the handshakes and pleasantries at the front hatch... .“you seem to be very well versed in your knowledge of BPD, npd, ptsd and cptsd ... .you seem to know as much and as well can effectively articulate as a person with a degree in the subject matter ... .you could probably even teach a class on BPD right now”... .

Red5 was like ... .wow’

His words kind of struck me ... .I honestly did not know to be horrorfied or else impressed ?

I replied with this... .“well Doc ... .if your out to sea and a castaway it is a good idea to read the inflation instructions for the life raft” ... .“not that I know much about life rafts ... .but I do want to survive until the Cutter arrives”... .

Yeah wow... .NOTHING replaces real world operational experience !

Hmmmm, another interesting day on the streets of BPD ville... .

Red5

Hey Red5 yes no doubt you have gathered a substantial knowledge of and around the topic.  I guess we try and learn what is going on around us.  Hmm i'm just about 5 weeks into the knowledge.  Guess ive picked up some.

Pity we need to but guess it is a survival mechanism,

Bit of a interesting day today, through a mutual friend i was given the opportunity to speak to a psychologist on the topic of my uBPD wife.  I also through the same organisation they run had the kind offer of emergency accommodation (that was in connection to last weeks emergency)

Anyways we discussed how things are and the key things i came away with were i need to bring back up with my wife the going to the doctor thing, this time on my terms not hers (hers was going alone etc with a note).  I'm not too keen on taking things back to crisis point again -- really?  TBH my wife is barely hanging on to control at the moment with other things in her life, i can't stand to upset the boat at the moment... .

She also indicated that DID may be playing a part in this too, based on some things that came out of our conversation, when she said that shivers went down my back --- i hadn't seen that myself in her but i guess many symptoms are co morbid (apologies if that is not the word)

well that was an interesting morning, then i was back into work

I need to catch up on this thread apologies for not being back here sooner.  Kind regards to all

[Ruskin]

I think about this often as well,... .I think the term “disruptive” was flashing on my radar the other day.

Yeah, ... .I read about the “emptiness” and the constant attempts of the “Non” to fill it... .

Like last night, uBPDw could be heard screaming at her own Son who is a Staff Sergeant in the Air Force many thousands of miles away... .on her iPhone ... .and for added effect, it went on for over three hours ... .and on speaker mode ... .as the rest of us in the house tried to go about our evening routine... .me and my Son, the two stray cats, and my old and elderly dog... .we were all like ... .”really”... .

I’d like to know how many miles I’ve driven after me and my Son had/had enough and just left to escape it... .more wasted time that could have been spent doing something else.

I’d like to know, the hours, the days... .even months that have been wasted... .waiting... .waiting for what ... .for “her” to be a good wife, a friend, a companion ... .for her to “get better”... .

There comes a time ... .yes... .there comes a time that enough is enough,

Great post Ruskin!

Red5

Cheers Red5 
Hmm bad call for her Son and all those in earshot, i wonder how her other relatives take it and what they put it down to.

Time really is a precious thing, i guess we all wish help our loved ones make the most of theirs but it is not always possible.  We try make the best of our own and again it is not always possible, but we need remember the clock is ticking down on us,

We try arm ourselves to make the most of the days even when things are bad, and making the most of the day must be the goal!

[Ruskin]

Well, having been a veteran of two BPD husbands, I'll say there are extremely toxic pwBPD and mildly annoying pwBPD, at two far ends of the spectrum.

With my first husband, the extremely toxic one, everyday was either a crisis point, or recovering from a crisis--years of it. And how I endured that, I really have no clue.

What it did for me when I finally got myself out of that horrible marriage and began therapy, was to develop a strong sense of self and a positive outlook on life. Nonetheless, I still fell into the arms of husband #2, the mildly annoying one.

At the point where the honeymoon was over and I began realizing that this wonderful man was not who I thought he was but still a kind and decent person---I had very little tolerance for crazy behavior. Husband #1 had used up all my forbearance for insanity.

So, like most people here, I assumed that if I could only find the right words, I could talk him out of his neurosis. Of course that was destined to fail and it just made things worse. Feeling resourceless, I found myself here about four years ago. With what I've learned since then, my relationship now functions smoothly and I'm content.

That said, it's not the romantic fantasy that I thought it was and I'll go back to the "annoying" theme. I realize that some of the BPD behavior will always be there ("You don't care," "Nobody likes me," "I'm nobody," "My feelings don't matter") and I just have to go about my business, rather than try and intervene and "help" him, as I would have done before.

It's a damn shame and we could have a much better relationship, but for the BPD. However, what I've learned here on BPD Family and the surprising "gift" this relationship has given me is much better people skills that help me in all contexts, a far greater trust of myself and sense of self-reliance, and a huge amount of independence. Learning what I've accumulated in the last four years has felt like getting a PhD in self-acceptance and self-love. So... .that's something... .

Hey Cat,  cheers for sharing.  Self development following living in crisis.  It is great to know that you've generally been able to make it work, with your second marriage, and where things are challenging, you've developed the skills to cope with the situation.  Gives hope to us all and especially where it is know that the person is not too extreme on the scale... .

[Ruskin]

Sep 97 - Jan 98 - Bliss
Jan 98 - Jun 99 - Fighting fires regularly
Jun 99 - Jun 00 - Better more of the time but worse some of the time
June 00 - Dec 00 - Awesome again (Travelling round the world)
Dec 00 - Sep 01 - Tense up till marriage
Sep 01 - Mar 03 - Shocker
Mar 03 - Jun 03 -  Separated
Jun 03 - Mar 07 - Separate lives she was emotionally numb to me
Mar 07 - Jun 07 - Separated
Jun 07 - Jan 16 - Mix of good bad awesome and ugly ... .we were having kids
Jan 16 - Current - Mix of her having an affair, separating, her starting divorce

In 21 years together I reckon we have had:

Good / Great - 10yrs
Turbulent - 4yrs
Separated / Divorcing / Emotionally Numb - 7yrs

Nothing is achieved in the bad periods, careers are on hold, everything is on hold, life stagnates and is joyless. Then in the good years it's full steam ahead.

Horrible when you put hard numbers against it

Enabler

Hi Enabler, Gosh that puts things in context, noted ref "nothing is achieved in bad periods" hmm i feel that.  Thank you for sharing.  9 years on my calendar, not too sure how much more, prob as many or as few as i want

[Ruskin]

And another thing... .whilst I'm on a demi rant... .my W has currently racked up a total of 15m of wasted lapse time in the divorce process she claims to so desperately need to get away from me with delay and procrastination.

eek, i can only guess that is just a reflection of a disorganized approach to things, i know my W does struggle on some things that seem quite straightforward

forgive if i say anything incorrect, i know i'm not of the highest emotional iq and don't know the subject

[byfaith]

I feel for what you are all going through
I used to think that it was all wasted time. I have decided to look back and realize that the time was a learning period about myself, I have developed better relationship skills. Thanks to the help I received from this site, my counselor, my close friends and God's direction.

I do think of all the things I could have done the past seven years, I wish I could undo mistakes that I made. Bad choices, letting someone run all over me. Someone had mentioned in this thread about the miles driven just to escape the insanity. I wish I had those miles back on my vehicle LOL! Good thing it's a Toyota and it helped that I live by a National Park that I spent hours driving through.

I am 55 now and my life is on a good path. I have been divorced more that a year now. I am happy.
I have learned to be an empathic listener. I have a better understanding of individuals with mental illness. I lived with my xuBPD wife and her son paranoid sz (32) for 6 years.

"There comes a time ... .yes... .there comes a time that enough is enough" well said Red5.

[Enabler]

forgive if i say anything incorrect, i know i'm not of the highest emotional iq and don't know the subject

Stud, you’re doing just dandy, you’ve raised a great topic and we’ve all jumped on the opportunity to share our war stories.

I might add, as byfaith pointed out, I don’t see the 10+ years as a waste, I have learnt a lot about myself and readied myself for each stage of my life. Would I have done things differently had I have known about BPD earlier... .hell yeah. Would I have done it with someone else... .definitely not. I love my wife worts and all.