Hi Gopher89, I am in a similar situation and about to do the very same thing.   I am not having a conversation about it, I am having my attorney write a letter on my behalf which was the recommendation from a psychologist I consulted with.

Attempts at validation can have unpredictable results with a BPD partner because you are trying to validate someone who has projected parts of themselves onto you that they cannot accept.   So even if what you say is genuine, it may not be received that way.   This is different from normal relationships.

Our D12 has been having major issues with her mom, uBPDx who left when D was 1 and our son had just turned 4.

There was an issue when D was 10, but counseling didn't help though it kind of died down. Recently, it got bad in that D12 was openly telling her mom that she hated her. Mom called me, crying in frustration, to take D for a week. After the break, they seem to be getting along.

I ran into yet another mother today who told me that mother-daughter conflict was common and a "thing." I've talked to mothers who've told me that they were glad that they only had boys. Back in the 80s, when my mom was friends with other single mothers with daughters, my mom told me how the daughters would change at 11. My mom's solution was to be harder on them, naturally *eyeroll*

Is this a thing you've experienced, and what do daughters of BPD mothers think? I ran across this article today.

https://www.rosjke.com/the-emotional-crisis-between-mothers-and-daughters/#:~:text=Mother%2Ddaughter%20relationship%20conflict%20is,difficult%20relationship%20with%20their%20mother

William Eddy (lawyer, mediator, author, lecturer, etc) has written several books on dealing with High Conflict Persons (HCPs) and one of them is - can you guess? - It's All Your Fault!

Borderline traits - they vary in impact depending on the person - are especially Blaming, Blame Shifting, Denying and Accusing.  Dealing with them is difficult and requires skills, insight and educated support such as is found here in peer support and with therapists.

William Eddy (HighConflictInstitute.com) has written has written several books on handling conflict.  One of them is a most helpful handbook for us here, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

This is all extremely helpful advice and I am so thankful for it. Deescalating is soooo hard. How do you do that when they're literally telling you that you're a piece a PLEASE READ, a bitch, a cunt, arrogant, stupid, worthless. I totally get that they are really describing their own insecurities and projecting. I don't say insulting things back, but what are you supposed to say to that? The stance that I have been taking is that I will no longer allow him to take my peace. When he says insulting things, I have said they don't hurt me anymore and just reflect on his character.Most of the time I won't respond at all, and that really makes him mad. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. He last text were that he wanted nothing to do with me. I always think Good!, but that usually only lasts a couple of days. Then he's telling me he loves me and needs me in his life, and I have to say no, and it starts all over again. I have apologized for hurting him until I'm blue in the face in an attempt to deescalate, but we have all been there. There's no pleasing or placating them. He just keeps on and on ....I do believe he is capable of physical violence. He hasn't put his hands on me, but he's come really close a few times, and on multiple occasions has blocked the door so that I couldn't leave, and basically held me prisoner until he had said every hateful thing he wanted to. After I txt him the info regarding the storage, I will stay with my daughter for at least a week, maybe 2. The advice for the phrasing about putting his stuff in a safe place a great. I will use that. I also picked a place that is closer to his house, a nice storage, and in a nice area. I will try telling him he needs to be able to find peace in his life, and I bring him strife, and I want good things for him. All of that true. Keep the advice coming. I can definitely use it!

Yes, be the parent proposing solutions.  While court may assume it'sboth spouses causing the friction, eventually court will take note they you're the one proposing solutions, not obstructing and sabotaging.

Sadly, court doesn't care how nice or fair you try to be.  So don't short yourself legally or parenting-wise with hopes of impressing the court. Just make sure you're not nasty nor the least bit threatening.  Always behave decently, have your kids' interests at heart, and -eventually- court may notice.

It is a little different with BPD people though.

Because they are collecting information and using it against you.  They are spreading their truth and distortions to whomever stands still long enough to listen.

I do believe you need to be very careful.

They are mostly indirect threats but none the less they are threats. 

My ex started to suggest I was stalking her, which ended up being because she was guilty of cheating.

Then she would contact me and turn it around to, I was contacting her.

I got a phone call from her father, and he delivered a strange, veiled threat, that I would watched and have a visit from his brother.  So, I know she has said some outrageous things about me. 

They word it so it is vague and not direct.  That made me decide to break all contact.

Yes you need to de-escalate situations.

But you also need to protect yourself.  Understand it isn't going to get better. 

There is a message in what he is saying, and you should listen to it.  Get out as gently as you can. 

I downplayed everything I was doing, was doing in the future.   I made myself a person in her eyes that nobody would want.   Because I believed that if she saw I would have a better life than her, that might trigger her.  She believes I am her object, I will always be there, she said that she feels like she "owns" me. 

I devalued myself to her.  So, she wouldn't come after me.

The more boring I was, without prospects in her eyes the better that is for me. 

Because I am scared of what she could do.   I have seen how psychotic she can get. 

I broke up with my ex with BPD June of 2023. I have tried letting time heal this wound but here I am, still ruminating about her and mourning the loss of our 8 year relationship. She immediately moved on and I am left here broken. Crying spells and bouts of rage come and go in my life and while this hasn't impacted my work or social life, its not something I want. I tried moving on like she has but it just didn't feel right and every time I was with someone else, my ex would pop into my mind. I tried going to therapy but I don't feel like my therapist really addressed my issues or understood how badly BPD messes you up.

Where can I find a therapist who can specifically help someone like me who has been through the BPD roller coaster?
Going on psychology today doesn't really help because of the vast amount of therapists. I feel like I need someone who has experience with this issue.   

My response would be (as calmly and as gently as I could say it): I understand you think it's all my fault.  I want to help, so please talk this out with me.  What could I have done differently to avoid this?

Her: Bla bla bla, and yappity yap!  You always do this, you never care.

Me (still talking very slowly and calmly):  I'm sorry this keeps happening between us and it's frustrating for me as well.  It hurts me to see you this upset and I'd love to find a way we can work past this together.

Her: Bla bla yappity yap (although with much less hysteria than before.  She's being validated so she's starting to calm down and her logical mind is starting to engage).  Why would you do that when you know it really bothers me?

The pattern here is that when she's disordered and unstable, the ONLY goal is to calm her down (or cheer her up if she's depressed).  You do that by validating her feelings and focusing on yourself.  Notice that first line was all about me- what could I do, etc.  That didn't work and she lashed out again, so I keep it about me while validating her feelings, her frustration.  And I'll keep doing that....focusing on her while making me statements...until she asks a question I can actually answer with reason and logic.

What you're doing unknowingly when she says, "It's all your fault" is making her feel less secure and more defensive, which in turn makes things even worse.  Again, the ONLY GOAL is to get her to calm down and talk to you like a person.  Nothing anyone says matters until you get to that point.  It's like arguing with a baby...or a crocodile...the words are useless.  It's the emotions being conveyed while speaking those words that actually matters.

I know that this is tough and it doesn't make any sense at all...at least at first.  Welcome to the club, we've all been there and most of us are still there the majority of the time.  This is something learned through practice and patience.