Show therapist video and audio?

[justaboutdone]

I had fourth appointment with new therapist today.  I shared a video of my 5 year old son behaving very badly like his mom.  He asked to see what else I have?  Appointment hit the hour and he said we should reschedule tomorrow instead of next week.  So any reason not to share some of the evidence with him instead of a lawyer or in court?  I think there is a good chance he might be calling CPS afterwards.  Oh, and my wife threatened to goto Canada with the kids since she has citizenship there and I will never see the kids again.  Thanks for any advice.

[ForeverDad]

Therapists, counselors and various other professionals are mandated reporters.  If it starts to focus on your spouse, then just be sure it's not interpreted as sour grapes, retaliation or ex bashing.  If you're an adult, then you're expected to more or less stand up for yourself.  But it's different with minors, they're protected to some extent.

I can't tell you what is best, I've always got the impression that filming kids outside of typical family scenarios could get sticky, but how else do you reveal abuse or what life is really like in private scenarios where a pwBPD feels entitled to let it all out?

In my area CPS has a limited presence but largely black-box.  They don't say how they work or what they know.  But I recall when I first contacted them months by telephone before I ended up separating and I related how ex was ranting and raging at me so much my son was affected, they asked one question, Is she raging at him?  When I replied No, I was told, Call back if she starts directing rants and rages at him.  Apparently around here mere exposure to bad behaviors, seeing a parent vilified and abused, does not rise to the level of 'actionable' child abuse.

When you do go to court for temporary orders then be sure to ask for a court order that the children are not to leave the court's jurisdiction - and especially not out of the country - without express agreement of both parents or if contested then the court's approval.  Be aware that temporary orders can last a year, two years or even more so you need to include language to handle holidays with remote family and vacation travel.

[justaboutdone]

Thanks for the reply.  Had my meeting with the therapist this morning and although he is starting to fully realize her behavior toward me, he did not see her acting the same way toward the kids.  I told him they were very affected and my son especially because he acts and does all the same things as her with the same anger and he is only 5.  We meet again thursday for the third time this week.  He has 30 years experience in the area and has seen a lot so I trust his opinion.  Why would CPS not want top be involved?

[ForeverDad]

CPS has certain criteria to follow whether and when to get involved.  In my case my CPS did not see impact on my son as 'actionable'.  Now if she had focused her rants and rages on him, it probbaly would have been a different matter.

The problem is that it's common for the disordered spouse to treat the children differently from the other spouse.  As a consequence courts often see poor adult behaviors as not substantively affecting parenting behaviors.  Sort of two people in one.

Currently you are her focus of angst and ire.  The issue arises (1)your children are affected to some extent now, though possibly not seen officially as 'abuse' and (2) once you are gone and the children grow older and seek more and more age-appropriate independence then it is very likely they will start triggering her overreactions. However until that happens it is hard to get court to budge.  If court and other professionals are reluctant to act, then it's up to you to get the best order you can, the more time the children spend with you in a more stable and peaceful home, the more they'll absorb your good example when with you.

[sanemom]

Is his experience in high conflict or just plain ol' families?  I think there are plenty of family therapists out there who truly do not understand high conflict, and sometimes they make the problem worse.  It sounds like he is at least open so far and not dismissing you.  Keep on presenting documentation.  Sometimes therapists desperately want to stay neutral, and it is a hard battle to have them understand that sometimes there is only one person fueling the conflict.

[ogopogodude]

ForeverDad is correct... . CPS has only one agenda and that is the safety of the children.

My CPS agent told me that their agenda is NOT to try to get the abusive parent into AA nor into counselling but they may strongly suggest it to this abusive parent (as an aside).

CPS will do an investigation if they feel that the children are really, truly scared of one or both of the parents. There are many types of abuse that they act upon: Emotional  (& psychological), verbal, and of course physical.

If you are a stable parent and talk calmly at all times, ... . and agree to provide "collaterals" (the contact names and #'s of preferably non-family persons that can be interviewed on your behalf) then you have nothing to worry about.

[justaboutdone]

Is his experience in high conflict or just plain ol' families?  I think there are plenty of family therapists out there who truly do not understand high conflict, and sometimes they make the problem worse.  It sounds like he is at least open so far and not dismissing you.  Keep on presenting documentation.  Sometimes therapists desperately want to stay neutral, and it is a hard battle to have them understand that sometimes there is only one person fueling the conflict.

He says he has lots of experience with BPD.  He actually has written a couple books and travels the country doing seminars.  When I call therapists in the area, they tell me that they have experience.  Since he has been practicing 30 years, I assume he just has more experience than others.  I don't think he is dismissing me at all because I was only suppose to have one appointment this week but as he learns more about this relationship and current state, he says how soon can we reschedule because you need help.  He initially started neutral but after the 2nd, 3rd appointment changed his tune.  Today he was telling me I need to find a lawyer that can handle fighting someone of this caliber because it will be important so she doesn't get full custody of the kids.

[justaboutdone]

ForeverDad is correct... . CPS has only one agenda and that is the safety of the children.

My CPS agent told me that their agenda is NOT to try to get the abusive parent into AA nor into counselling but they may strongly suggest it to this abusive parent (as an aside).

CPS will do an investigation if they feel that the children are really, truly scared of one or both of the parents. There are many types of abuse that they act upon: Emotional  (& psychological), verbal, and of course physical.

If you are a stable parent and talk calmly at all times, ... . and agree to provide "collaterals" (the contact names and #'s of preferably non-family persons that can be interviewed on your behalf) then you have nothing to worry about.

The kids "love" mommy.  Actually, they are very concerned about impressing her at only age 5.  I am always calm while my wife on the other hand has conflicts at work all the time. Nothing serious but just rocky from what I know. While the kids tell me that mommy scares them, the only outside person to hear that was my mom.  She was watching the kids one day and while my mom was sitting down, our daughter walked up to her out of the blue and told her mommy scares me.

[ForeverDad]

Oh, and my wife threatened to go to Canada with the kids since she has citizenship there and I will never see the kids again.

My ex too would claim she would disappear with our son and I'd never see him again.  Didn't happen.  And for most members here it may have been threatened but was more of a control and intimidation tactic and usually didn't happen, especially not after family court got involved.  Not saying it can't happen, but it doesn't happen often.  If your concern is about her leaving the country with the children, your situation is not as bad as she threatened.

My home country is Canada. Canadian nationals can not enter Canada with a minor child without notarized permission to travel from the other parent. A lot of what is allowed/not allowed depends not only on whether the country of destination is part of the Hague treaty, but the particulars of Hague treaties by country. Each country negotiates different terms. Canada -- probably because there is a massive shared border and a higher share of child abductions -- says it will honor the custody arrangements of foreign courts. Not all countries will do that.