Always Maybe - Patterns and Cycles?

[OKrunch]

In the statement I quoted from your ex above, I think she's being dead-on honest and you need to accept that.  In her words, I don't see an "I don't love you" or a "we can never be together" type of vibe.  She's saying that she needs to work thru her problems on her own and you need to let some stuff go that complicates a potential future together. 

Honestly, that's the same advice everyone here has been giving you as well- work on yourself and let her go, let her figure this out on her terms and give her a chance to heal.  Your job is not to rescue her, your job is to let her figure out how to rescue herself and be happy in her own skin.  And you need to do the same.

I can tell you from experience, I didn't give my wife space when she first left and I did the exact same thing you did.  I wanted to save her like I always did, and I wanted to save our marriage.  That essentially doomed us though because it pushed her away more than anything- my pursuit only confirmed the fears in her mind that she had to run.  It's not logical, it's not right by any means, but that's how someone with BPD processes breakups.  It's 100% emotion 100% of the time, and those feelings can change in a blink of an eye.

I hope that helps.

Pook,
I have been stewing on this statement for quite a while.
While I agree that she wasn't saying "I don't love you" or "we can't be together" (although she did use it in the past tense when she said "We loved each other", which has been also sticking in my mind),
I still can't get the thought of "Well, you need space to figure your stuff out, and I ENCOURAGE AND RESPECT that, but how is it that you're doing that while still seeing someone else periodically?"
Over a month ago when I had originally asked about other people, she told me "Its simple with him, neither of us want a relationship". Which freaking STUNG to hear. She also yelled and told me she "Hadnt even slept together yet"

So i guess, to simplify.

If she needs space to figure her stuff out. Why just space from me?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[OKrunch]

That came off sounding paranoid and clingy. That wasn't my intent.

Psychologically speaking, I can see why a "new" thing with no bad history wouldn't illicit the emotional response I, and our bumpy history does.

I get that talking to me, seeing me, includes "opening the box" that contains all of our past for her, and right now, while her other stressors are high, that box contains too much emotion for her to deal with.
Someone else doesn't have that history.

She ran to a "boring" option during our last breakup.
So history repeats.


Lastly, I hear what you are all saying. Meditating on detachment, and trying to keep things balanced in my mind.
Do i want to fix this and make it work? Yes
Do i still have a lot of hurt feelings over how My son and I were treated, pushed away (in winter) and then strung along, and put on the backburner?
NO.

I wish i could stop my minds unyielding torrent of questions and analyzation

[OKrunch]

I really wish I could just stay angry, control my urge to check in every 3 damn days.

Spring is les than a month away.
I could have moved by then, might have a new job by then

I can change my entire life except the general area in which i live (for custody reasons)

Really really really hurts to just be, left.
I wish i could forget about everything like she seemingly has.

[kells76]

Hey OKrunch,

I have been keeping a personal journal since Jan. I will keep up on that. I will not reach out on her birthday (Mar 14)
Reply only mode.

I have challenged myself to do this so many times. The longest I've lasted was a few weeks.
I am determined to do it right this time.

Day 1 begins again today.

I really wish I could just stay angry, control my urge to check in every 3 damn days.

You're breaking the cycle of how things used to go.

You made it >24 hours. How has that been for you? What worked to make that happen?

[OKrunch]

Thank you for the encouragement. I know I can go longer. I've gone weeks without reaching out in the past.

The hot and cold stuff is just so damn confusing.

One piece of the last thing she said to me just keeps repeating in my head over and over and over again.

"I hope you understand what I am saying. I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT HARSHLY"

[SaltyDawg]

OKrunch,

I am going to ask you some very difficult questions in response to your questions and observations that are designed to make you look inward at yourself in order to grow as a person and to gain additional insight as to why the cycle repeats itself over and over and hopefully enough to help you break the cycle that you are in.


That came off sounding paranoid and clingy. That wasn't my intent.

Please meditate on why it came off sounding 'paranoid and clingy'?


So history repeats.

Please meditate on how to stop history from repeating itself.  What can you do to break this cycle?


Do i want to fix this and make it work? Yes

In an ideal world, nothing is broken and everything works.  However, this is not an ideal world.  What can you do to 'fix this and make it work'?  If she is the one that needs fixing, who is the only person that can do that?  She is the only one that can fix herself, and from what you have communicated, she is trying to do exactly that.  Also, I know you have your own therapist, please talk to her to see what you can do to fix yourself.


Do i still have a lot of hurt feelings over how My son and I were treated, pushed away (in winter) and then strung along, and put on the backburner?
NO.

I am going to pushback on this assertion of yours that you do NOT have 'hurt feelings' over how you have been treated by her.  I suspect you may be beyond hurt, and you may actually be numb, which no longer hurts.  Hopefully, I am wrong, but the simple fact of you mentioning this in this post, means you do have feelings on this, please do meditate heavily on how her actions have affected both you and your son on this.  Is this acceptable to you?


I wish i could stop my minds unyielding torrent of questions and analyzation

Ask this same question to your therapist, and listen to her observations on this, and follow her suggestions on what to do about this.  This is something that you need to deal with, and it is something that you must adapt to in order to fix it for yourself.


If she needs space to figure her stuff out. Why just space from me?
Let's look at that from a different perspective -- yours instead of hers.  Would you agree that she is most passionate with you in both the good ways and the bad ways [of pushing you away] when you are around her?  So, if she has an intense emotional reaction to you when you are around her; perhaps not so different from your own reaction when you are around her --  do you think more clearly and objectively when you are around her, or when you are physically separated?  I suspect the answer may be when you are 'separated', and I suspect the answer will be the similar for her - that is why she needs space from you, just as you need space from her to think clearly; even though I know you don't feel that way.


I really wish I could just stay angry, control my urge to check in every 3 damn days.

It sounds like you have recognized your own 'cycle' and to quote you, it is 'every 3 damn days'!  Why do you wish to 'stay angry'?  Is it because this is your version of the 'devalue/discard' in the cycle?  When you are not angry, do you try to get back together again, your version of the 'recycle' in the cycle?  Is your 'urge to check in', presumably out of concern for her, your version of 'love bombing' to her?


I could have moved by then, might have a new job by then

Why haven't you moved on?  Why haven't you obtained a new job?  Is it because you are stuck in this cycle that is preventing you from moving on?


I can change my entire life except the general area in which i live (for custody reasons)

I understand the custody reasons; however, why haven't you changed your life for the better within the constraints of the custody arrangement?  Is it the cycle that needs to be broken so you can move on?


Really really really hurts to just be, left.
I wish i could forget about everything like she seemingly has.

Yes, it does hurt tremendously to be 'discarded'.  Your emotional wounds are fresh, and you have a '3 damn day' cycle in which you re-open those wounds over and over again.  As long as you keep on re-opening these wounds, they cannot heal.  What can you do to stop this cycle?


I know my words might sound like an attack to you.  They are meant to reflect your words back to you, from a different perspective, so you can see what you are actually saying.  I suggest doing a deep dive with your personal therapist.  I know you will analyze the heck out of them.  You will likely reject much of what I have just said; however, it holds your 'truth' how to stop tormenting yourself and to break the cycle.

Take Care.

[Pook075]

Pook,
I have been stewing on this statement for quite a while.
While I agree that she wasn't saying "I don't love you" or "we can't be together" (although she did use it in the past tense when she said "We loved each other", which has been also sticking in my mind),
I still can't get the thought of "Well, you need space to figure your stuff out, and I ENCOURAGE AND RESPECT that, but how is it that you're doing that while still seeing someone else periodically?"
Over a month ago when I had originally asked about other people, she told me "Its simple with him, neither of us want a relationship". Which freaking STUNG to hear. She also yelled and told me she "Hadnt even slept together yet"

So i guess, to simplify.

If she needs space to figure her stuff out. Why just space from me?

Hey buddy.  It's easy to get sucked into focusing on every word she said, and I think why we do that is because we're searching for a clue as to what we did wrong, or what we can do differently.  But the simple truth is, you didn't do anything wrong...you can't fix this. 

The problem is in her mind and how she processes her emotions.  She's genuinely hurt by what happened between the two of you and she's asking for space.  Why space from just you?  Because she can't process how she feels about you.  It's just too complex and too complicated for her to work through on her own, so she shuts down and pushes you away. 

It may help to remember that pwBPD often push away the people they care about the most.  This isn't her trying to punish you or anything like that; she just can't deal with the relationship.  I'm going through the exact same thing as well.  If my wife needs something, she calls/texts and we have a normal conversation.  If I need something from her, she freaks out, has an anxiety attack, and shuts down.  There's nothing logical about it.

As others have said over and over again, you have to focus on yourself and find your own happiness.  Maybe that's a new job, new hobbies, more time with friends/family, or whatever.  Make this about you and only you, because there's nothing you can say or do for her that will fix this.  She needs space, so give it to her by being selfish and focusing on yourself.

I hope that helps.

[OKrunch]

Yesterday was a very high anxiety day for me and I'm not quite sure why. I belched my emotions out here, as well as to my sister-in-law over the phone. She and I had a very good conversation at the end of the day which was very good to remind me of some of the things that I don't see with my rose colored lenses on. I'm being used, how she owes me 1700 that she is playing nice in order to delay paying me. How not paying me that money is directly affecting my ability to put a roof over my son's head. She has had a traumatic past, and it has turned her into a self-preservationist. I don't blame her for it, but it definitely makes her an unviable partner.



Anxious attachment sure is one hell of a mind warping God damn thing. It keeps you blind just so much mistreatment.  Anytime I mention my mistreatment, I'm always quick to mention that I played my part as well. The difference is that I recognize it and I'm actively trying to change it. But most importantly that I even recognize it.

I also recognize my own complete lack of self control, or at least what I have exhibited in the last 2 months. I need to stop pouring from a cup that has only dry sand in it. My view of spiritualism is very much linked to the four elements, Chief among those being water for me. I should know better than to keep an empty cup





Conversely, I went on a date last night, and it went really well. I'm in no rush to get into anything serious but it was just nice to get out and enjoy somebody else's company.

[SaltyDawg]

OKrunch,

   Thanks for sharing again.  I am glad that you realize that you are being 'used'.  I am saddened that you loaned her $1700 which she isn't paying back and that is negatively affecting the care of your son and yourself.

    I have had my own share of trauma in my past, [to the extreme end of the spectrum], and I think I am doing remarkably well all things considered, but it also has put me into the caretaker roll with codependency traits.

    Your attachment style is your enemy.  I am glad you are aware of it, you 'recognize it', as you can utilize tools from your therapist to kind of mitigate your own behaviors of a lack of self-control.  Work with your T on how to develop skills to counteract your own destructive behaviors.

Conversely, I went on a date last night, and it went really well. I'm in no rush to get into anything serious but it was just nice to get out and enjoy somebody else's company.

Dating is the quickest way to 'get over' a past love, you are distracting yourself with someone new - much like she is doing for you.  You know her cycle(s), don't fall into the same trap for yourself with your own cycle(s).

Right now you are incredibly emotionally vulnerable and you may 'get lucky' or you can get very 'unlucky'.  I recommend extreme as you put your toes back into the dating scene. 

I am also going to question your wisdom, since you are having issues putting a roof over your own head in addition to your son.  Make sure you put yourself and your son first.  It costs money to date, activities, hotel + nice meals = $100-$1000 per date.  This is something that you should have a talk with your therapist about.  I personally would only use 'surplus' money on dates once the essentials of food, shelter, child care, child education are covered.

  Years ago I went from a very bad situation with a uBPD/NPDexgf woman into a 'less' bad situation that I am currently in with my uBPDw.  I jumped out of the fire into the frying pan [see:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Out_of_the_frying_pan_into_the_fire] which was still a bad situation.   In essence, I attract the same kind of woman over and over again.  It took me half a century to figure this out - what can I say, 'I am a slow learner' when it comes to issues of the fairer sex.

So, I have book marked to the following lists found here at BPD family to avoid falling into the same trap over and over again should I find myself in the very same situation of re-entering the dating scene that you are now in.  The following lists contain traits of the borderline or other mental health issues that one should lookout for while re-entering the dating scene to break the cycle of dysfunctional emotional relationships/attachment styles.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=353716.0;all
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329294.0;all
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334928.0

Dating has changed since the Internet became common [I've been on it since the early 1980's when it was still called ARPAnet], with Tinder and other dating apps, one is often expected to have sex by the 3rd date.  I know 'sex' for me blinds my other emotions - if a girl is 'too easy,' that is my number one warning.  Both of the aforementioned women uBPD/NPDexgf & uBPDw seduced me intimately on our respective first dates, which I allowed to happen, which says something about me too.

My advice now is to 'take your time' to get to know your POI [person of interest] before having sex with them, no matter how tempted you are.  Don't put the cart before the horse.  I personally would wait at least a month, if not more before entering that arena.

I am glad that you are testing the waters; however, it comes with the risk of repeating the current cycle you are in.  I would like for you to do it with your eyes wide open to be on the lookout for any red flags since we are all creatures of habit, and you want to break the cycle of negativity that you have found yourself in for the past several years.

Take [ultra] care of yourself.

[OKrunch]

I am texting her in a week (after she gets her raise and bonus) to politely discuss the repayments. That is all I will discuss.
I expect when I ask, she Is going to get angry and find reasons to yell at me. My Therapist said she thinks will likely be the case as well.

T's exact words were - "She will most likely become dysregulated and blast you but I don't think you would be out of line by telling her that you were counting on this to save to get housing and while you realize that it is helpful for her, you need it to have a roof over your head. If she gets over the top dysregulated, you are probably better off ending the conversation and letting her ponder over it for a while."

I want to apologize to you all for my panicky desperation on Friday. In hindsight that felt like one of the last gasps of my separation anxiety with her. I had a very motivating and eye opening conversation with my T on Friday and it was a very re-grounding situation.
I don't want to piss her off, I don't want to make her feel like I am "sucking her dry" or whatever reason she finds to get mad at me for asking, but this repayment was agreed upon in November, and she is now 2 months late with 2/3 of the payments.
I need to care for my son and myself. I need a home.

To Clarify - Salty, - I didn't lend her this $$. It is from a housing assistance program that I applied for and got. Which payed the rent and some of the utilities for 3 months. I used this program last year while we were living together and again at the end of 2022.
The amount of money is based on all four of us living there, and our combined income.
So basically, she kicked me out in Sept, while the 2nd application was still pending.
It went through in Nov, and she then Didnt have to pay rent Dec, Jan and Feb.
She was supposed to pay me half of her rent amount, to repay my half of that assistance program.
This is what we agreed on in Nov.
She has paid me for Dec only thus far.

Once this last piece of clerical business is resolved (either she pays me, sets up a payment schedule, or tells me to eff off, screams at me and doesn't repay me) It is the last thing we need to resolve.
After that. True no contact begins.

I have not reached out since Thursday. I will text once regarding the money. That is it.
If she gets angry, I'm not engaging in a text argument.
I feel used.
She used kindness and closeness in Jan to delay paying.
Feb it was "I need space" (using my attachment to cause me to delay asking, so as not to make her mad)
Now its "my life is in shambles, im broke, im a bad mom" - (using pity)
Whether this is premeditated or impulsive is moot.
it is manipulation regardless.
It took a LONG time for me to accept the fact she could use me this way. I didn't think her capable of that.

Im done making a fool of myself.

[SaltyDawg]

OKrunch,

   I agree completely with your T.

   I understand the money issue.  Keep it BIFF in your text [Brief, Informational, Factual and Friendly].  If she makes an issue of it, you need to use 'wise mind' and determine if it is worth your effort for the $$'s versus the mental pain she will inflict and follow it which I think you have already expressed when you said "Once this last piece of clerical business is resolved (either she pays me, sets up a payment schedule, or tells me to eff off, screams at me and doesn't repay me) It is the last thing we need to resolve.
After that. True no contact begins."

   I strongly suggest that you ask your T [or a dear guy friend] to hold you accountable for the "NC" when it begins, with consequences. 

   I am proud of you for deciding that you want to break this cycle for yourself.  Keep up the good work.

   Remember to do self-care for yourself [within your budget] even if it means walking outside for a while, in addition to your individual therapy, and whatever else you enjoy doing for yourself.

   Take Care.

SD

[OKrunch]

She finally disconnected the old phone line.

For some reason, despite the fact that ive been waiting for this...
i feel bad about it. Further away and more forgotten.

[SaltyDawg]

Another small victory.  Another small step in the right direction for independence with more NC!

 

[OKrunch]

Doesnt feel like it.
Feels like further loss.

[kells76]

She finally disconnected the old phone line.

For some reason, despite the fact that ive been waiting for this...
i feel bad about it. Further away and more forgotten.

Does it feel like cutting off the old phone line represents, or is attached feelings-wise to, something about the relationship?

Like now that she has decided on her own to cease that connection with you, what could have been is "done"?

Whatever is going on for you, and do correct me if my guesses were off base, it sounds like you're noticing a big emotional response to this.

How do you think you'll navigate the rest of your day, feeling that loss?

[OKrunch]

Well I made it almost a week without reaching out this time. However this one comes with a bit of a silver lining. It was the last piece of conversation I needed to know how badly I was being used.



Because I care very much about her daughter, that is what caused me to reach out and ask how things have been going. She said that things were improving, and that she was excited to be able to bond with her daughter on a concert trip they're going to take in May. She owes me $1,600 and knows that I'm living in a camper. However she decided it would be prudent to pre-book a trip across the country to go to a concert for the weekend before taking care of other responsibilities.



Well I do understand that her mindset of trying to reconnect with her daughter, which I completely agree with, there are several hundred ways in which she could have done that without blowing a bunch of money. Furthermore, she did not need to tell me.

So now I know she's spending a bunch of money that she owes me. I really hate fighting about money it's pretty awful. I care about these people very much, but I need to secure my own place to live and maintain my adult responsibilities. I was planning for that money in my budget throughout the winter and I haven't received it.



What blows my mind is the fact that she would tell me about it, which tells me that she's either deliberately trying to rub it in my face and elicit a reaction out of me, or she is just so in a selfish mood right now that she cannot even think about the fact that she owes me this money. I really don't even think it's crossed your mind.



So I'm pretty irritated with myself for giving up myself control and reaching out, however it proves to me that she has no intentions on taking care of the agreement that we decided on, which is hindering my ability to get a house over my head.

What is more, is that although I am irritated about the situation I am not having the anxious response that I would have expected that I might. It feels very final.

In all of the conversations we have had over the past few weeks she has not asked how I am doing, How winter is going in the camper, how my son is doing. She doesn't care.



I'm waiting for a response from my therapist about how best to approach asking her about the money that she owes me. My therapist already said pretty much no matter how I asked she's going to flip out on me.



Lastly, I'm like 90% sure I found an apartment. Which I think is awfully serendipitous and kind of coincidental that I'm going to be needing to get this money from her right at the same time as I'm going to actually need it to secure a house.



I'm very surprised at how good of a mood I am in right now considering the morning I have had. Tell me what I've been thinking about for weeks.

I'm being used, and that crap stops today.

[SaltyDawg]

OKrunch,

   She sounds a lot like my previous uBPD/NPDexgf.  She would do impulse type spending like buying a new stereo system while a required property tax bill was left unpaid.  She used me as her 'gravy train' which ended when I caught her cheating on me not the first time [I gave her a warning], but on the 2nd dude.  She appeared to be totally unaware of the consequences of incorrect prioritization of her spending which would appear from an outside perspective of being exceptionally selfish - there is likely a similar dynamic happening in your situation - she cannot comprehend the consequences of her actions and looks out only for herself, what she can only see in the here and now, but not that is not in her own field of vision [you] but also needs to be taken care of - you are not a 'priority' for her.

   I know you cannot afford to lose $1600 right now - I would suggest using BIFF communication to request at least some of the monies owed to you.  I knew with my exgf I would never see any of the monies I lent her back, but I could afford to lose it, so I just cut my losses and ran and I did not deal too much with what she owed me ($50k in the year 2000, which is like over a $100k in today's dollars).  It also kept her NC on me [what I wanted anyways] as she knew I would bring up the $$'s that she owed me if she ever tried to call me up again.

   I know money is tight, but, plan for the worst [you likely won't see any of it], perhaps work out a compromise for some of it now, and some of it later, so you can put a roof over your head.  Some money is better than nothing.

   Good luck, and take care.

[OKrunch]

Im not planning on getting it. But she literally said "I'll stick by my word and pay this" back in December.

So ill be damned if I'm not going to ask. I'm not missing out on an apartment because she's being greedy.

She straight up used my emotions against me to delay or avoid paying.
That requires premeditation, that's where I draw the line.

Im asking for my money, politely and professionally, and she can flip her lid if she wants. She may not pay me, and I expect that.
At the end of the day this is a matter of principal for me. I will not be used, and then say nothing about it.

[OKrunch]

This is what I will be sending. Quite possibly the last text i ever send her.

"Hey, I was glad to hear that things with DAUGHTER are improving. I just wanted to reach out and touch base about the assistance program repayment plan. I know when we last talked about it in January you had mentioned your raise and bonus at the end of February, plus tax returns, and that you would take care of it then. I am likely moving in a couple weeks and just want to get all of my eggs in one basket by the end of this month. Please let me know what sort of a payment situation works best for you.



I'm glad you and DAUGHTER are doing well,  and please give my love to the black fur circus (our pets), I miss them all.

Thanks I look forward to hearing from you."

[Pook075]

This is what I will be sending. Quite possibly the last text i ever send her.

"Hey, I was glad to hear that things with DAUGHTER are improving. I just wanted to reach out and touch base about the assistance program repayment plan. I know when we last talked about it in January you had mentioned your raise and bonus at the end of February, plus tax returns, and that you would take care of it then. I am likely moving in a couple weeks and just want to get all of my eggs in one basket by the end of this month. Please let me know what sort of a payment situation works best for you.



I'm glad you and DAUGHTER are doing well,  and please give my love to the black fur circus (our pets), I miss them all.

Thanks I look forward to hearing from you."

I don't know your ex, but I personally think that's too long for a text.  The thing about her daughter was a call, wasn't it?  I wouldn't mention that or the past agreement.  I'd just say:

 "Hi, I hope you're doing well.  Just reaching out to see if we could settle up on the assistance program funds."

There's no reason to give any of your personal info, extend love to the dogs, etc.  If she wants to know, let her ask.  I think the more direct you are, the better your chances of getting a response.  The longer message would let her respond about the daughter, the dog, where you're moving to, etc.

Just my 2 cents, I could be completely wrong since I don't know your ex personally.

[SaltyDawg]

"Hey, I was glad to hear that things with DAUGHTER are improving. I just wanted to reach out and touch base about the assistance program repayment plan. I know when we last talked about it in January you had mentioned your raise and bonus at the end of February, plus tax returns, and that you would take care of it then. I am likely moving in a couple weeks and I need $xxxx for a security deposit, and I am short of making it since I don't have my assistance money.  I really would like to no longer be homeless and need this money that was promised to me.  Thanks, I look forward to hearing from you by this Monday on this matter.

just want to get all of my eggs in one basket by the end of this month.



Please let me know what sort of a payment situation works best for you.



I'm glad you and DAUGHTER are doing well,  and please give my love to the black fur circus (our pets), I miss them all.

Thanks I look forward to hearing from you."

I would reword it a little bit, see highlighted section above.  Let her ask you how much you are short, also indicate that she is keeping you in the camper [almost homeless], reword the homeless part if you wan't, but you are living in your vehicle, just one step up above being homeless.

[kells76]

Agreed with Pook075 & Salty Dawg -- shorter is better (more effective for your purpose) and include a deadline. Decide in advance what you will do if she chooses not to meet the deadline -- otherwise it's just empty words.

Lean towards BIFF instead of JADE.

Do you have any documentation of her owing you the money (emails, etc)?

[Rev]

Agreed with Pook075 & Salty Dawg -- shorter is better (more effective for your purpose) and include a deadline. Decide in advance what you will do if she chooses not to meet the deadline -- otherwise it's just empty words.

Lean towards BIFF instead of JADE.

Do you have any documentation of her owing you the money (emails, etc)?

Third vote for the tri-fecta.

Hang in there. 


Rev

PS - Still think you should consider a new thread. It will help to change your thoughts.

[OKrunch]

Thank you everyone.
I will trim it down. Was going to send it tomorrow morning.

[OKrunch]

Well, i trimmed it down to just the bare essentials, while keeping it polite. I took out the bit mentioning that I am moving. She can figure that out herself after I do.
She flipped out anyway.
Went from telling me how broke she was, to blaming it on me, to calling me names and insulting my integrity.
I kept my cool, she tried to call in the middle of her rant, and I didn't answer.
She threatened to "never speak to me again" I said that was fine if she chose to.
Finally after my not responding for a few of her ranting texts, she changed tunes, started apologizing for her outburst and wished me well. I didn't reply to any of that.

Here are my T's words after i explained the exchange to her. - "Well. We knew that was coming. How are you feeling about it? From my perspective, it shows that she is not necessarily progressing like you'd hoped and everything is still your fault. It might be a good idea to just not reach out again. You asked for the money and she has yet to give you a concrete time that she will get it to you so there is no use continuing to battle with her."

So, thats it. The curtain falls upon the final act.
Im moving in a month, and not looking back.
Thank you all.

[SaltyDawg]

So, thats it. The curtain falls upon the final act.
Im moving in a month, and not looking back.
Thank you all.

OKrunch,

I am going to hold you to your proclamation [virtually].

Please update us when you get proper housing for you and your son, or if there are any new developments.

Make sure you do self-care, and take care of your boy too.

Definitely continue to see your T, she sounds like one of the better ones, a 'keeper' as they say.

Perhaps a small celebration is in order for making it this far. 

Take care.

SD

[Pook075]

So, thats it. The curtain falls upon the final act.
Im moving in a month, and not looking back.
Thank you all.

I'm sorry that she didn't handle the text well, but we all knew that she wouldn't.

It's important to remember though that this isn't over until you say its over.  In other words, you have to be the one to move on because she will always be there just outside of arm's reach.  It's incredibly hard to say its over and actually stick to it, but it's also very rewarding long term if that's what you truly want.

I wish you luck buddy- stick to your guns!

[Rev]

I'm sorry that she didn't handle the text well, but we all knew that she wouldn't.

It's important to remember through that this isn't over until you say its over.  In other words, you have to be the one to move on because she will always be there just outside of arm's reach.  It's incredibly hard to say its over and actually stick to it, but it's also very rewarding long term if that's what you truly want.

I wish you luck buddy- stick to your guns!

Ditto ... ditto... ditto

[OKrunch]

I'm sorry that she didn't handle the text well, but we all knew that she wouldn't.

It's important to remember though that this isn't over until you say its over.  In other words, you have to be the one to move on because she will always be there just outside of arm's reach.  It's incredibly hard to say its over and actually stick to it, but it's also very rewarding long term if that's what you truly want.

I wish you luck buddy- stick to your guns!

What do you mean she will just be outside of arms reach? She doesn't want anything to do with me, and at this point the feeling is pretty mutual.

[Pook075]

What do you mean she will just be outside of arms reach? She doesn't want anything to do with me, and at this point the feeling is pretty mutual.

You said after her explosion, she apologized and wished you well.  That's all part of that push/pull dynamic and she may respond again.  It is ultimately your choice what you do when that happens- to allow the pattern to repeat hoping it gets better, or to decide to ultimately step away and break the cycle.

It really stinks but like folks here have been saying, this has been about you this entire time.  You get to make the choices on what's best for you.