Bet you haven’t heard this before

[oinoxn]

I read a suggestion to leave the house when my BPD wife of 23 yrs is raging, screaming and yelling abusive things.  Well leaving the house when she is like that does nothing in my situation.  In fact she gets so angry she’s glad I left (for hours not 30 minutes).  

Now I am less stressed, more relaxed, don’t have to be careful of what I say and I don’t get yelled at ( except a couple of times through the door for a minute or two) or experience raging, etc.  What changed you ask?  Well I know it is not normal nor healthy but since last Friday (I couldn’t take the yelling and raging anymore that I allowed for 23 yrs) when I am home  I lock myself in my large bedroom with my ocean view sunsets and big TV.  If you’re thinking that’s no way to live, you’re correct,  but believe it or not it’s an improvement.

I am in my 7O’s so for me it’s a difficult choice to get a divorce. I have had some health issues in the past and admittedly, I am scared of being alone as I have no family in the state and no real close friends nearby.  And I don’t want to bother them with my same story anymore.  We have separated before and got back together.  She did not do well as I pretty much do everything for her.  Why, because I can and she has so much anxiety dealing with everyday things that I do whatever so I don’t get exposed to the  ramifications of her anxiety.   So as stupid as it seems, I worry about her.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

A divorce would leave you alone with no close friends or family. You have concerns about her ability to care for herself. You’ve had it with the raging and screaming.

Since you cannot change her behavior, the only thing you can do is to change yours. And in doing so, it’s likely that she will have to change to adapt.

She’s getting something out of the raging and screaming, whether it be your acquiescence, your attention or…? If you change how you respond and she no longer gets what she wants, her behavior will change.

Much easier said than done, but if you are consistent 100%, then eventually she will give up a strategy that no longer works.

Say if you retreat to your room every time she screams, she will eventually learn self soothing skills and no longer behave that way.

Yes, it’s “no way to live” but if you look at it as a temporary teaching strategy, it can help to change the dynamic between the two of you. Check out the Tools at the top of this page.

[oinoxn]

Thanks.

Yes, it’s no way to live but it is an improvement.  My blood pressure is probably saying what the hell happened here.