My daughter is causing relationship problems with my partner

[bean69]

 Hello, I am new to the site and have seen such support advice so thought I would seek some advice here.
I have a bpd daughter who is 24 and lives with just myself ( mum)
I have been in a lovely relationship with my partner who lives separately to us but this relationship is being hugely compromised by my daughter and has now come to the point that he doesn't think he can deal with things as he feels like it's a triangle between us because she relies on me so much.
It's all so emotionally and draining, I really don't want to loose my relationship with my partner.
I would really appreciate some advice please

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Dear Bean,

I think it is great that you have been such a loving and supportive Mom, but you have got to let your daughter become her own person and take back your own life.

You do not mention college, work, or therapy for your daughter.
If these things are not happening, you probably need to get her involved in at least college (she can stay in a dorm-possibly with other girls that are mentally challenged-since this has become rather common I think) and of course get her into counseling and therapy.

Talk with your boyfriend for what he thinks would be best-great having someone to bounce ideas off of.

It sounds like you have given your child a strong foundation, but it’s time for you to both fly!

Don’t worry about her being upset with you, although there may be some of that. Unless she is incapable, you both really need to move on.
Afterall, she is no longer a child.

I was a single parent most of my child’s life, but I sent her to college and dealt with her issues. Since then she’s gotten her Masters degree and managed to make her way and is finally on a true healing path.

The Biggest thing I feel you need to overcome (and should also pursue counseling for yourself) is any feelings you harbor that her behavior is any fault of your parenting skills. It is NOT and your child needs an adult life of her own. You also need to get back your own identity from being a mother, so your boyfriend sees the woman he fell for.

Consider how valuable you both are!

[bean69]

Thank you so much,
My daughter is in her last year at university, so finishing  soon, which has been a struggle. She currently doesn't work but will  have to find work.
She was under the crisis team and is still waiting for therapy or avoiding it!
She was given a concoction of meds but she doesn't like them so not sure if she even takes them.
 After reading many things on here and what you said has helped me revaluate and made me realise that I need to do
what's best for both of us.
Unfortunately my relationship with my boyfriend deteriorated and he decided he needs space.
I am hoping that things will improve with the advice and guidance of this site.

[Ourworld]

Hi Bean,

So sorry about the boyfriend, he probably wasn’t the right man for you, it sounds like it really needs to be someone with more compassion and understanding anyway.

I’m glad you are seeing your path ahead and I truly wish you and your daughter the best. One other thing I want to mention is that my daughter married a guy 12 years ago, in secret, he also had mental health issues, at first she was helping him through cancer and I guess she thought things would be better after that. Things got worse for him, and he ended up going into psychosis last year and after several months she finally left him. His problems are military-related and he is now being taken care of by the Veteran Administration here that has medical care for ex-military.
Since she still doesn’t talk to me, I rely on my sister and brother to hopefully help her and have pointed out that she has had multiple traumas. Anyway, as far as I know, she’s moved on and they say she’s doing ok.

The reason I am telling you this, is because your daughter will make some choices that are not the best, but if you try to stop her, you risk losing her, so let her go.
I comforted myself that at least she was with someone she loved and trusted during those years.

Now, I keep hoping and praying that she contacts me as a friend, because I plan to go overseas soon (later this year or next) for missionary work. She could probably do some office-type work for the agency if she wanted, if she actually came back to me.

Fortunately, the guy she married was impotent from the cancer so at least she never had children, I would advise to try and discreetly turn her away from having children if you can.

I truly wish you the best in your own life and in helping your daughter find her own and in your relationship with her.

Most importantly, do NOT blame yourself, which is easy to do, we often think I should have said this, I should have done things this way, and I shouldn’t have done that!

Take care, OurWorld