I am on the Bridge and am letting go of the rope - God have mercy

[qcarolr]

I am on the Bridge, and have been here for so very very long. [someone, please find the poem for me and post in a reply]

Holding the rope with both hands - DD26 is on the other end begging me to not let go, to hold her up from the unknown waters, that she will certainly drown if I let go. She is heavy, oh so heavy in her raging anger at the world and it is all projected onto me. And gd7 is hugging at my waist crying and I cannot hear what she is saying. My ears are ringing so loudly like in a wind blasting past.

I have to save myself, and therefore save dg7 from a certain doom if DD pulls us over with her. All of us will certainly drown. DD is ill - she is sick - she cannot save herself alone. Yet I cannot save her. So I pray for God to have mercy - to bring the intervention to heal DD and our family, have mercy so DD will not drown when she hits the water.

The rope is tossed high in the air and disappears into the darkness below. DD is crying out for me, how can I do this to her, we are family... .  God have mercy on her soul, rescue her as she is a child of your light too. God of the Angel Armies - rescue her.


DD texted yesterday to sleepover at the house Sunday then for me to drive with her to her probation meeting early Monday morning. She is fearful that her probation will be revoked. Yet, she is making the choices to smoke pot and not do UA's, not go to the required 2 hours of treatment per week (class or individual). I understand how stressed she is, and that she has created this for herself. Dh and I said - OK. And then I was so very distressed and consumed with regret at saying yes - locked up with fear. And this was distressing to gd and dh. I finally took a mild tranquilizer and time out til I calmed myself.

My T helped me get more clear today. I am so grateful for her.

I have to get out of the way so DD feels the full weight of her choices. And no matter the illness -- there are other choices she can make. I have to provide a safe, peaceful environment for myself and gd. Dh is with gd and I, he is a rock of self-control yet he gives into me thinking this will calm my worries! We have to stand together and know this most painful decision is the only one that we can make today. I have to become willing to let my worries go. There is no cystal ball or magic.

So how do I word my text to DD saying - OOPS, we changed our minds and you cannot come home Sunday?

She called me today because she lost her phone and her friend had not picked her up when agreed and she was freaking out. I called the friend - no answer. Sent text to him. DD called again demanding I call at that moment. I assured I would before I went into an appt. He answered  - yes her phone was in his car, he had just been there looking for her and was driving away. So he was parking to go find her. This is sign of the extreme level of DD's distress.

After this call, my fantasy of Sunday being OK was crushed. She just cannot come. There is too much risk of her anger exploding and someone getting hurt - more than feelings hurt. She is who she is until SHE CHOOSES TO DO TREATMENT TO CHANGE.

"I feel the intensity of your stress and it must be so hard to understand how dh and I can ask you to be out there with your friends instead of in our home. It is so hard to manage such intense anger when under this much pressure. We have been ordered to keep our home a quiet, safe place for gd7. She is feeling so sick - headache, stomachaches, maybe an ulcer starting. She is so young. We are so sorry that you cannot be at the house. When you are able to show us that anger treatment is being done and is working, then we can talk about the future. You are able to make it to your meeting with PO before I am able to drive there after putting gd7 on the bus. You can let us know how it went later. We love you always even from a distance."

Would this all fit in a text? The image of her clawing her way up the rope to the empty end, screaming for me and cursing me -- almost too intolerable for me. Will be searching in prayer for that quiet pond floating as a lotus flower - seeking peace.

qcr  :'( :'(  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pallavirajsinghani]

I feel the intensity of your stress and it must be so hard to understand how dh and I can ask you to be out there with your friends instead of in our home. It is so hard to manage such intense anger when under this much pressure. We have been ordered to keep our home a quiet, safe place for gd7. She is feeling so sick - headache, stomachaches, maybe an ulcer starting. She is so young. We are so sorry that you cannot be at the house. When you are able to show us that anger treatment is being done and is working, then we can talk about the future. You are able to make it to your meeting with PO before I am able to drive there after putting gd7 on the bus. You can let us know how it went later. We love you always even from a distance."



This would be such clear and empathetic communication between two nons.  It seems to me that all she will see is a "NO" and betrayal and abandonment and everything negative in her will become refocused once again on you personally.  

So, perhaps it would be better to make it more concise like,  "I am sorry we cannot drop you at the PO.  We love you.  Let us know how it goes."

You will get a barrage of hateful texts, phone calls etc.  Leave home for a while, leave the cell phone home, to give yourself a breather.

Hope others will chime in with some suggestions.

[qcarolr]

I also have to tell her she cannot come to the house Sunday to shower and change clothes. She cannot be here with gd nor I. It is just a toxic mix when she and I are together since I am the black one right now. Dh works on Sunday or gd and I could be gone for a couple hours.

Guess just have to say I am sorry you cannot be here on Sunday. You can get to PO on the bus and call later to let us know how it went. Or I could offer to meet her there but last time she was done before I could get there.

You are right - too many words. But at least I got to share them here -- I mean well.

qcr  

[lbjnltx]

THE BRIDGE - A METAPHOR

"The Bridge"

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted

from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had

experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his

share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see

clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he

came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his

strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly

blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not

wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it

were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not

come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he

wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his

heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found

renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth

returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from

their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the

middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order

to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the

opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though

the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly,

however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed

similarly except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what

the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around

him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length

of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were

coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so

kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he

agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and

remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the ropes

length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull.

Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the

side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and

after having caught his breath, looked down at the other

dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.

"Just hold tight," said the other.

"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul

the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as

though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope

had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they

created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the

other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out.

"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."

"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.

"I am your responsibility," said the other.

"Well, I did not ask for it," the man said.

"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How

long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him

now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined

the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some

protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the

railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces

between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound

burden, even temporarily.

"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.

"Just your help," the other answered.

"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to

tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."

"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope

around your waist; it will be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied

the rope around his waist.

"Why did you do this?" he asked again. ":)on't you see what you

have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"

"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I

let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward

my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt

me forever."

With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump

off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this

fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a

choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of

decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own

goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was

already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible

choice to have to make.

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this

other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten

the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and

again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do

it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it

still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you."

And he explained his plan.

But the other wasn't interested.

"You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by

myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."

"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I

die."

The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or

this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in

fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional

way of thinking.

"I want you to listen to me carefully," he said, "because I mean

what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice

for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your

own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.

"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends.

I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring

yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began

unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew

against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would

not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so

important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.


--From "FRIEDMAN'S FABLES" by Edwin Friedman,

published by Guilford Press

[griz]

qcr:  How can I help you hold on to the rope.  I wish so badly I could.  To give you more strength.  I think shortening the message is a good idea and of course always reinforcing your love for her.  Yes, we have to at some point let go even though every fiber of our body wants to hold onto that rope.  I think if we don;t let go we run the risk of us all going over the edge with them.

Please take care of yourself as best you can.  I will be thinking of you.  

I have planned a mothers day BBQ this year.  Poor DH just found a small job and has to work.  It will just be myself and my mom, who is slipping away more everyday.  I hope on Sunday she remembers why we are together and who I am.  I have let DD know that I am making a BBQ and I am hoping that she can make this a nice day but my guess is that it will be a day filled with anxiety for me.

So I am having you all over on Sunday.  I am baking a cake and I have already purchase candles for me to blow out and when I do you will all be there with me.

Griz

     

[DreamGirl]

((qcarol))

Just want you to know that you're doing the right thing.

No matter the outcome. 

  DreamGirl

[pallavirajsinghani]

Guess just have to say I am sorry you cannot be here on Sunday. You can get to PO on the bus and call later to let us know how it went. Or I could offer to meet her there but last time she was done before I could get there.

It seems to me that this rings of an apologetic tone that is a dead giveaway that you can be manipulated with bullying.  So I would suggest something like this:

"I am sorry we cannot have you here on Sunday.  We cannot drive you to the PO.  We love you and let us know how it goes."

When you a) give her choices, she may get confused and freeze up.  b) again, you are being a "controlling mother" by giving her choices and solutions.

The purpose of letting go of the rope is to teach her how to hold on to the railing of the bridge and slowly haul herself up by the skin of her teeth if necessary.

When you offer her obvious solutions and choices, it may defeat the purpose.

What does your intuition say about my approach?

On a superficial level, my approach appears to be callous.  In this particular circumstance, it is a gesture of love.  You are like a mother bird who is giving little pushes with her beak to the fledgling to leave the nest.  This is a gesture of the mother bird to teach her fledgling to fly.  The bird is terrified.  What is a more loving gesture, to continue to give those little beak pinches or to let the fledgling stay in the nest and never fly and never soar and never come to the full fruition of its being?

It is very hard for the mother bird to accept the possibility that the fledgling may just fall.  This possibility is a more ethical choice than letting the fledgling never have chances to fly.

... .  and I send you warm hugs too.

[qcarolr]

I get so confused between being a loving mom and being a safe person. My T keeps taking my focus off of gd7 as my motivation to protect myself and to focus on what I need to do for ME. I will be taking care of gd by taking care of me. I get this in my mind - too much pain in my heart. Feel frozen - cold.

Think I will wait til dh is home later to send text to DD. Need someone with their loving arm around me to read the reply.

Life is just hard. And I am tired.

Thanks - your ideas are so valuable to get me thinking clearly.

qcr  

[mggt]

qcr, My sincere thoughts are with you as we approach this mothers day .  It will be very hard for your d and all of you.  You got some pretty good advice here so I would suggest re read through them all and decide which fits you the best to text your d.  As you said you could run it through your h first.  Take it easy and do what you have to for your own health lots of hugs and prayers mggt

[Thursday]

q-

How weary you sound, this has gone on for such a long time. If something you could do would have changed this situation for the better, it would have already happened. I can't think of anyone who has loved harder, or more or better.

Somehow, this love we feel for our pwBPD keeps them stuck. Gotta love them enough to let them go. Otherwise, no change and they end up destroying not only their own lives but their loved ones too.

In the end, the best sort of help they can get is to help themselves.

Wish I had more comfort for you. Wish I could reach through the computer and give you the biggest hug.

You are doing the right thing. It might feel awful but it IS the RIGHT THING.

Thursday

[somuchlove]

You have been so strong and supportive to me.  I understand how difficult it all is.  How hard when you know you are doing the best you can and know that you are probably right and it still doesn't help.  When I hear someone say to me,  take care of yourself, i get rather upset.  Taking care of myself means if my dd is ok then I will be ok.  But I feel the need to tell you, to take care of yourself.  You can't be helpful for your gd or your dd if you are not well.  However,  that is so much easier said then done.

You have recieved some excellent advice.  I noted how to respond.  I , too use way to many words, think how I would respond, but have to remember it is how my dd would view and see it.

Sending you hugs and you deserve a huge HAPPY mothers day.  Your dd is lucky that you are so willing to stay in her life and do the difficult things to make her stronger.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[angeldust1]

Oh dear dear qcarolr,

What a life this is,  the simply phylosophy I live by is "when in doubt don't" It is short but to the point.

You will hurt if she doesn't come,  you will hurt more if she does come.  She is making some very bad choices,  sad as it is,  they are her choices.  We as mother,  want to shelter our children from natural consequences,  but if we do,  we will surely hurt them. 

Just a suggestion,  text her short and sweet,  dad and I have decided against your coming home.  Nothing more,  no excuses,  no explanations, nothing.  Because you know she will be sure to make something of it.  If the answer is just no,  she will have less to blame you for later.

So sorry you have to go through this just before mothers day,  I do so hope things will go ok,  but you do have another child to think about,  and don't think for a moment she is not watching every thing you do with this other child.

[angeldust1]

dear ibjn,

what a beautiful story and so profound.  Yes we are in control of our own lives,  and our life is our responsibility,  no one elses!

[qcarolr]

Well Geez -- DD showed up this evening with friend G. He had his mom's car tonight. She was fine - I left and went to grocery store. They took the 2 doggies on a walk - it is really muddy. Then they came home and gd helped them give doggies baths. I have pretty much refused to do that chore. I brought home dinner from the deli counter - dh , gd and I ate. Then DD and G left.

What an awesomely normal visit.

Dh is saying - we cannot predict the future beyond today. His suggestion is to wait to say 'no' until closer to Sunday let the days unfold. Maybe she won't even show up - often the case on a weekend.

Gd really enjoyed seeing both her mom and G (he had lived with us for about 10 months 2011-1012, another long story with a violent end that is now another 'happy' beginning - DD recycling bf's).

I feel left hanging empty-handed with my mouth hanging open not knowing what to say. Yet - I let go of the rope today. It is gone from my hands. I will trust that I will get what I need to cope with what comes as long as I remember - I am not holding the rope.

My T told me over and over when I called her today (after our session) that I am not the crazy one, I am not thought of as crazy by anyone that knows me -- and she knows some of them. I will choose to believe her.

I am reading some posts about boundaries and detachment and SET. Getting my perspective back. I need to go to bed and sleep better tonight -- have been hearing things going off at night that are not. Like cell phone text alert tones! Think I will turn off my phone tonight.

You all have been so kind to me today - thank you so very very much. I do not know what I would do without you.  

qcr

[pessim-optimist]

qcr... .        

Look to your husband for guidance on what to do this weekend.

Other than that, remember your T's advice, and look to God for strength, peace and wisdom.

Thinking of you and praying for your family.   

[angeldust1]

Since this has occured today, I agree with your husband he seems to be a wise man.

[qcarolr]

Dh is a very wise man, and compassionate. That is what attracted him to me in 1975. Actually May 1, 1975. We got married 9 months later. He has persisted through lots and lots of troubles. Even with others telling him to leave, he persisted. Another good quality. He does blow-up on occasion - he is learning to be aware of his withdrawal coping strategy and expressing his feelings in the moment more and more. And I am more open to listening - really listening. The learning and practicing I have learned here is sifting over to him slowly.

He has also made a very supportive connection with his new boss at work. They can share about anything. This is so healthy for him, and for our marrige. We have been too reliant on each other in our isolation the past 15 years.

He has actually agreed to work through the book "Parenting a child with intense emotions" - well at least the first chapter today. Have to hold him accountable for that promise.

Dh started celebrating Mother's Day with me last night - asking what flowers I want for the yard. He and gd7 were full of ideas. Last year I refused mother's day flowers with chant of 'no money'. We don't have money this year but what the heck - that's what credit cards are for. Joy is worth the cost

We are going to my mom's for a family BBQ tomorrow. To celebrate lots of spring birthdays as well as mother's day.

So life is good for today. Will do my homework from T - buy yoga DVD and do 2 minutes of mindfulness excercise.

qcr  

The first book I read when I came to bpdfamily.com in  2009 was "The High Confict Couple" - DBT for couples. DH did not read it, but did agree to 6 weeks of couples counseling through is EAP at work. It really was a beginning for us to be aware of our listening skills. I suggest it for any parent with BPDkids. It gives a great practice of DBT skills for you as a couple. Was my first exposure to DBT. Here is review:

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/high-conflict-couple#lastPost

[Thursday]

qcarolr-

Ummmmm, there is not a standing ovation emoticon.

These will have to do... .  

             

and

 

and give your husband a big kiss too! 

thursday

[pessim-optimist]

Just read your post on Verbena's thread:

"... .  My struggle seems to be to keep my mind calm and not jump to conclusion that any contact from DD is wanting something from me that I do not want to give. I do feel like the crazier one right now. Because I just don't want to have to deal with any more bullying from her. The past 2 times she has stopped at the house went OK -- I found things to do in other parts of the house or went out to the store... .  And then she leaves without being asked to go... .  

... .  She is stopping over a couple times a week so far to get clean clothes, do laundry, etc. She also has spent a little time with her daughter (gd7 that dh and I have custody for since she was a baby) and walking the dogs. Will this turn into a manageable pattern? For how long?

It makes me sick to feel the need to avoid her -- but there being any kind of yelling I can't tolerate either. Working with my T weekly now to find some balance for myself."

How's is going today? Looks like so far so good?

I can relate to that feeling of dread and 'jumping to conclusions'. I think it is just us reacting out of trauma that we have gone through with our kids. Good for you, working on that with the T.

For me the healing is two-fold: finding the workable solutions for such situations (so I don't have to dread them) and then the letting go of the past stress and hurt.

BTW - I like your new logo (how appropriate - flowers for mothers' day). I liked the other logo too, but was wondering what it was (thought it was a patterned rock)

[parent of bpd daughter]

Peace and love to you qcarolr today. You have been an inspiration to me since I joined this virtual community

You always seem to know just the right thing to do and you have worked so tirelessly with your BPDD.

Agree with others - less info is more regarding why your BPDD cannot come to your home - just a few short

lines - the more you give them - the more they use it against you unfortunately.

Glad you have a good Therapist - good to keep seeing him/her. I have to say, in case it helps,

the years (about 2) that I went NC due to RO against my own BPDD were 2 of the most peaceful

in my life for me and my youngest daughter. Of course, there was pain at times, but not having

to worry about the next explosion or suicide attempt or whatever was wonderful for a few years

at least.

Perhaps that will give you some hope - knowing that letting go for a while can be such a relief -

a little sabbatical from drama that all of us here - especially you - need to re-strengthen ourselves.

Peace to you.

[qcarolr]

I manage so much better when dh is here. He works on Sundays. He has such supreme self-control - a gift! And I am still on the edge so much of the time. I think there is a lot of grieving going on, and PTSD -- both from life for 27 years with DD (her bday is in2 weeks) and from a couple things in my growing up years (not in FOO). The new T is picking up on these very quickly even without my saying anything directly. We are going to focus on the trauma work needed as we move forward. So easy to get caught up in manageing day to day life in sessions and forgetting the internal emotional help I so need.

BTW - I like your new logo (how appropriate - flowers for mothers' day). I liked the other logo too, but was wondering what it was (thought it was a patterned rock)

The yellow/orange avatar is a sunet painting by an impressionist painter - I would have to go back and find it to tell you who. It is very similar to the style of painting I have done in the past. Need to make a space in my house to set up my paints again - DD's room?

So off to meet DD for a home visit with gd for mother's day. gd has written her a card and picked pretty grasses and dandelions and made a sweet arrangement for her mom. Hoping to keep this on the "how's the weather" side. She and I have had such a toxic r/s for many years, at least since she was about 14.

qcr  

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Talked to D at 1pm to meet her, then come to the house. Arrived 1/2 hour later, texted and called that I was in the lot waiting (w/gd). No reply. W- aited 10 minutes, text will wait 5 more then return home. Called one lsat time - no answer. At 2:10 she calls and wants to know where I am - she 'just got texts'.

Working to not make assumptions if this is real, a lie, or her belief of reality. Said I was not driving back again - she asked me to do this. Suggested her dad could pick her up on his way home. So he is there, she just called. So expect them home soon. She answered his call?

Life is so puzzling sometimes. Hoping for a good evening, night and morning tomorrow. DD asked to stay the night so I can drive her to see her probation officer at 8am tomorrow. Gd's bus comes at 7:35 so can barely make it on time.

Wish me luck and patience and a quiet mind and still tongue.

qcr  

[mamachelle]

 

Wishing you lots of goodness and light!

mamachelle

[qcarolr]

Well so far I have had some patience and a mostly still tongue.

We went to Wendy's for dinner - were nearly done and DD was getting anxious to leave. Gd was talking about catching her first fish and about a little 2nd cousin's bloody nose at my mom's yesterday. OOPS - DD wanted to know why she was not invited -- we cannot just 'sweep her under the rug', and we cannot take gd anywhere without first consulting her... .    She knew we were there, but we did not tell her it was a family gathering. She would not have come anyway. It just felt bad to not be invited. I did not want to risk her choosing to go, so I did not invite her. It would have been misery the whole time.

I just kept eating my salad. And she started harrassing me - just basic rudeness and put downs. So I got up to leave.

I so hate it when she has to draw gd into it - and our custody, and that she is 'not your child'. I just kept quiet -- gd kept quiety -- dh talked about his work day to me on the drive home. Gd got out her bike as soon as we got home  -  she and I went to park where some neighbor kids were playing. Great exit on her part.

DD is sleeping downstairs. Think we will just leave her be. If she is here in morning, will take her to her PO meeting after get gd on school bus. Hope she can just keep herself quiety before gd leaves.

I am so tired of being prodded. It seems sad but I wish the PO would send her to jail, or DD would leave town with bfM. She wants to take one of the dogs with her. We will see how that goes - if she takes him we will not be buying dog food or paying for vet bills. That is up to her and bfM.

Thanks for listening to my ranting. I am really doing OK. Gotta go get gd in the bathtub.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

That sounds like a success, qcr.   

You were able to get together, did not have to renege on your word to have her over for Sunday, and - you did a WONDERFUL JOB not biting the bait. 

There will be ups and downs in the future, but yesterday was a success.

    

[qcarolr]

DD did not stay last night - went on her own to PO meeting. He said a probation violation summons in coming in the mail with court date. DD said I can open it and contact her with date. She has another appt with PO in 2 weeks and should know court date by then.

She and bfM took the one year old doggie with them today - I dropped him off on my way to work. Picked him up this evening with dd to spend some time with gd. I told her no friends, she jusr her with gd. I went out for my social time with women friends from church. Then got some food, dropped DD back at apt she is staying at with bfM. She took clothes and food. She is moving out slowly. Seems to have accepted the new routine of not being here except to see gd and dogs and do laundry.

Told bfM we need the money we put into storage unit, so he needs to find a new place for his stuff that is mostly still in our garage. He said he would talk to a friend that might have room. Said we needed that money for DD's commissary in jail. He knows all about that having been in and out of county jail.

So another good day at home - I am being able to stay calm and be direct in what I need with everyone - DD, gd, dh. And at work today.

Now that was a nightmare that is going to be drama the rest of the week. Keeping me from getting my work done. Having to keep telling the owner and his wife that I am not getting in the middle of their disputes. I am not a marriage counselor. I get involved with my management of the money. There are much deeper issues at work here, many years of patterns of ineffective communication, lots of power plays esp. by wife -- it all shows up through the money. Right now the owner has the money and the wife wants the authority. He paid back her investment last year, and somehow she is not accepting this since it went to their househol bills and not into her personal account. She was making some very unreasonable financial demands today. I asked her to leave my office - walked her to the door while she was still talking and slowly closed it behind her. She came back a little later and apologized for drawing me into the middle, then drew me into the middle and left. THen the owner had his turn in my office when wife went to lunch. I walked out of my office and did some other things - like updating our accounting software before they shutdown our payroll service. Now that is IMPORTANT.

Sometimes I wish I had less intelligence and a simpler life. Guess I will have to just keep working for thie simpler life. Any suggestions?

qcr  

[hurtmomma]

Oh My!  I am new to this site. . . and I cried all through your first comments!  I am totally there with you.  I have a daughter with BPD.  And I am holding that rope!  I know for my own good I need to let go. . . but how can I "abandon" my daughter?  But for my own mental health and that of my family. . . I must let go! 

To see someone else going though the same drama that we are is so . . . I don't know.  Like I'm not alone in this.  I also have Fibromyalgia so having the strength to deal with all the drama is not mine.  My daughter make me physically ill when she causes drama.  The stress is "killing" me, so to speak.  I am praying for you as I hope you will also pray for me and my family.  Hang on. . . My T says it gets better as they get older. . . which I pray is so.  HUGS

I see how your reasoning goes, just like mine. . . well today she is better . . . well maybe I can deal with it. . . then she goes "witchy" again and I am in a state and can't sleep and she has done it again! 

[margjo]

Thank you for posting this.  It helped me to understand that if my daughter refuses to do her share things won't change.

Her latest mantra is, Let's agree to disagree on a certain subject. But then adding, given the choice I would make the same one I did.  No compromise there. Just a statement that she has no plans to look at how her choices affect others.

THE BRIDGE - A METAPHOR

"The Bridge"

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted

from life. He had experienced many moods and trials. He had

experimented with different ways of living, and he had had his

share of both success and failure. At last, he began to see

clearly where he wanted to go.

Diligently, he searched for the right opportunity. Sometimes he

came close, only to be pushed away. Often he applied all his

strength and imagination, only to find the path hopelessly

blocked. And then at last it came. But the opportunity would not

wait. It would be made available only for a short time. If it

were seen that he was not committed, the opportunity would not

come again.

Eager to arrive, he started on his journey. With each step, he

wanted to move faster; with each thought about his goal, his

heart beat quicker; with each vision of what lay ahead, he found

renewed vigor. Strength that had left him since his early youth

returned, and desires, all kinds of desires, reawakened from

their long-dormant positions.

Hurrying along, he came upon a bridge that crossed through the

middle of a town. It had been built high above a river in order

to protect it from the floods of spring.

He started across. Then he noticed someone coming from the

opposite direction. As they moved closer, it seemed as though

the other was coming to greet him. He could see clearly,

however, that he did not know this other, who was dressed

similarly except for something tied around his waist.

When they were within hailing distance, he could see that what

the other had about his waist was a rope. It was wrapped around

him many times and probably, if extended, would reach a length

of 30 feet.

The other began to uncurl the rope, and, just as they were

coming close, the stranger said, "Pardon me, would you be so

kind as to hold the end a moment?"

Surprised by this politely phrased but curious request, he

agreed without a thought, reached out, and took it.

"Thank you," said the other, who then added, "two hands now, and

remember, hold tight." Whereupon, the other jumped off the bridge.

Quickly, the free-falling body hurtled the distance of the ropes

length, and from the bridge the man abruptly felt the pull.

Instinctively, he held tight and was almost dragged over the

side. He managed to brace himself against the edge, however, and

after having caught his breath, looked down at the other

dangling, close to oblivion.

"What are you trying to do?" he yelled.

"Just hold tight," said the other.

"This is ridiculous," the man thought and began trying to haul

the other in. He could not get the leverage, however. It was as

though the weight of the other person and the length of the rope

had been carefully calculated in advance so that together they

created a counterweight just beyond his strength to bring the

other back to safety.

"Why did you do this?" the man called out.

"Remember," said the other, "if you let go, I will be lost."

"But I cannot pull you up," the man cried.

"I am your responsibility," said the other.

"Well, I did not ask for it," the man said.

"If you let go, I am lost," repeated the other.

He began to look around for help. But there was no one. How

long would he have to wait? Why did this happen to befall him

now, just as he was on the verge of true success? He examined

the side, searching for a place to tie the rope. Some

protrusion, perhaps, or maybe a hole in the boards. But the

railing was unusually uniform in shape; there were no spaces

between the boards. There was no way to get rid of this newfound

burden, even temporarily.

"What do you want?" he asked the other hanging below.

"Just your help," the other answered.

"How can I help? I cannot pull you in, and there is no place to

tie the rope so that I can go and find someone to help me help you."

"I know that. Just hang on; that will be enough. Tie the rope

around your waist; it will be easier."

Fearing that his arms could not hold out much longer, he tied

the rope around his waist.

"Why did you do this?" he asked again. ":)on't you see what you

have done? What possible purpose could you have had in mind?"

"Just remember," said the other, "my life is in your hands."

What should he do? "If I let go, all my life I will know that I

let this other die. If I stay, I risk losing my momentum toward

my own long-sought-after salvation. Either way this will haunt

me forever."

With ironic humor he thought to die himself, instantly, to jump

off the bridge while still holding on. "That would teach this

fool." But he wanted to live and to live life fully. "What a

choice I have to make; how shall I ever decide?"

As time went by, still no one came. The critical moment of

decision was drawing near. To show his commitment to his own

goals, he would have to continue on his journey now. It was

already almost too late to arrive in time. But what a terrible

choice to have to make.

A new thought occurred to him. While he could not pull this

other up solely by his own efforts, if the other would shorten

the rope from his end by curling it around his waist again and

again, together they could do it. Actually, the other could do

it by himself, so long as he, standing on the bridge, kept it

still and steady.

"Now listen," he shouted down. "I think I know how to save you."

And he explained his plan.

But the other wasn't interested.

"You mean you won't help? But I told you I cannot pull you up by

myself, and I don't think I can hang on much longer either."

"You must try," the other shouted back in tears. "If you fail, I

die."

The point of decision arrived. What should he do? "My life or

this other's?" And then a new idea. A revelation. So new, in

fact, it seemed heretical, so alien was it to his traditional

way of thinking.

"I want you to listen to me carefully," he said, "because I mean

what I am about to say. I will not accept the position of choice

for your life, only for my own; the position of choice for your

own life I hereby give back to you."

"What do you mean?" the other asked, afraid.

"I mean, simply, it's up to you. You decide which way this ends.

I will become the counterweight. You do the pulling and bring

yourself up. I will even tug a little from here." He began

unwinding the rope from around his waist and braced himself anew

against the side.

"You cannot mean what you say," the other shrieked. "You would

not be so selfish. I am your responsibility. What could be so

important that you would let someone die? Do not do this to me."

He waited a moment. There was no change in the tension of the rope.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.


--From "FRIEDMAN'S FABLES" by Edwin Friedman,

published by Guilford Press

[qcarolr]

hurtmomma -     I am so glad you are here. Things are still hard so many days, yet having understanding ears for sharing my story eases the suffering. And I have learned so much here on how to find ways to take of myself, so I am stronger to cope. And lots of strategies and tools to make that coping work better more of the time.

Oh My!  I am new to this site. . . and I cried all through your first comments!  I am totally there with you.  I have a daughter with BPD.  And I am holding that rope!  I know for my own good I need to let go. . . but how can I "abandon" my daughter?  But for my own mental health and that of my family. . . I must let go!

I see how your reasoning goes, just like mine. . . well today she is better . . . well maybe I can deal with it. . . then she goes "witchy" again and I am in a state and can't sleep and she has done it again! 

So often it does feel like 'abandoning' my D. The truth -- it is protecting myself and allowing her to experience her own life. The choices she makes create the results -- I am just an easy target so often to blame. And then I tend to take on that blame and own it as if it is mine. I have no control over my DD and her daily choices - it makes me sick too.  I have my share of medical and autoimmune system issues that are very much worsened by the stress I carry. Letting go is a process, and it is hard. Because I cannot go totally no contact with my DD26. That is a different kind of misery. But I have let go of the rope - I am able to be in control of myself when DD is being intimidating and get away.

Yesterday was good with DD. There were a couple things she forgot, so I was to drop them off when in town today. She asked to come a get come more clothes - OK. I had an errand to run - she said she could go with me. Then she started asking for money - I said "No, we are not giving you money". She just kept at me, kept at me. So when I was done with my errand at social services (for my gd7 who lives with dh and I) and got in car she just would not let up on this. I was willing to drive her to the food share - I had brought her proof of address for that purpose. But she wanted money instead now. So got out of car and asked her to get out of car. She refused. I walked around the building. Asked her again to get out of car - take bus back to where she is staying. No - she loaned the bus pass to bf (we bought her the bus pass). I said, can you be quiet while I drive you back to apartment? She said "NO", I need $30. So I told her to get out of the car or I would need to get a securty officer to assist her out of car. She said "NO". So I walked toward offices and she followed me, grabbed me ---- a staff person walking into parking lot stopped and asked me if I needed help, could she get securty. I said yes and walked into building with her, with DD on my heals. Inside I kept moving away from DD, she kept following me. The staff person asked DD to sit down and stop following me -- the security officer was there by then. DD walked out. We went out, she was sitting in car. So he asked her to get her stuff and get out of car. She said "NO, my mom is taking me back where she picked me up". I said she needs to get out of my car.  So she got out. I drove home. I did not answer when she called. I did answer when dh called - he was begging me to go help her as she was calling crying that she was in come kind of trouble. So I explained the circumstances. I said "we need to stay strong. she made the choices to get herself into this, and she is resourceful and can get herself out".

This event all feels so intentional and manipulative. Like it is premeditated. And I have so much denial about this -- I get in the 'poor baby with mental illness and learning disabilities can't make good choices". Well today - I did not go to this pity party place. I beleive DD knew exactly what she was planning to do when we had contact before I picked her up. She was going to try to manipulate money from me in whatever way was needed. Asking nice, pleading it was to stay in with her friends and not be on the street, ... .  eventually that i owed it to her as her mom.

I kept my cool today. Just kept repeating my answer. No, I am not giving you any money. I bought your bus pass, pay your court costs installment, pay for you phone. That is all that is budgeted for you. And I bought you $50 of food last night.

She was not going to back down, so I needed to leave. And I did that without losing my cool, and getting appropriate help to make it happen. Then I drove away and left her in the trained hands of the security people. She has left me a couple messages - I can tell she is walking. She is demanding her dog all her stuff and a place to 'put it'. She can have her stuff, we can't stop her from taking the dog (though gd will be crushed as this dog sleeps with her now), we do not have the resources to pay for anywhere for the stuff. We got her a storage unit which up to now she has refused to access. Maybe she will change her mind about that. We will see.

Need to get some work done before gd gets home on bus. Thanks all for you compassionate listening.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

qcr, that must have been really stressful, and you did wonderfully!   

I can see from your post that your dd will try and try. But when she saw you were serious, she got out of the car eventually, nobody had to drag her out. That's boundaries working for you.