Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at "Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358450.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

My BPD ex has blocked everywhere and we are doing no contact, is it safe to say it’s over for good or this just temporary? Why would she also still be friends with my best friend on social media? Trying to understand this better.Yes I would love for her to come back

I am the adult child of a BPD mother. She is elderly and my father is deceased. Your children are adults, and I think they should know about their mother but how to inform them, I think it's complicated.

The Karpman triangle dynamics helped explained the relationship dynamics in the family. BPD mother is in victim perspective. My parents stayed together- my father was in "rescuer" mode, and enabled her. Like your situation, people outside the family didn't have a clue. It was a family secret, my father would uphold my mother and come to her defense, even if it meant being angry at us kids if she was upset with us.

I had the closest relationship to my father, but it was a confusing one. On one hand, I believe he loved me but then I also wonder, why did he allow my mother to be verbally and emotionally abusive to us kids? In a sense, he was her co- abuser by enabling her behavior. I know he took on more of the brunt of the situation. We kids, we grew up, we could leave, but he lived with her.

If you think you are doing your kids a favor by being the target of your wife's rages- think again. Seeing how my mother behaved with my father was distressing. They managed to maintain a front when it was just the two of them, but when Dad got ill and I stayed with them to help out for a while, it was a shock. I even called social services to see if I could intervene but Dad was committed to being with my mother and protecting her no matter what.

Yes, it would have been helpful to know about BPD at the time. I knew something was going on with my mother, even as a teen, and did look in psychology books to see if something in them fit but I had gotten busy with my own family. A Google search for my mother's behavior led me to BPD. Chances are, your kids may already have an idea.

What wasn't obvious was my father's part in this. I assumed my mother was "the problem". Dad was the good guy to me and in many ways, he was. It was my own issues in relationships that got me to counseling where a counselor told me to work on co-dependency. Co-dependent behaviors were the "norm" in my family. I didn't know it was a problem. It was through working with these issues that I began to understand my father's part in this. The answer to the question "why didn't he stand up for us kids" was that he couldn't stand up for himself. I don't blame my father- in fact, I attribute the good in my upbringing to his efforts. He did the best he could with what he knew to do at the time.

There was triangulation already. As a teen, my BPD mother would confide in me about her relationship issues with my father. This was not appropriate to do but I didn't know any different at the time. Of course, he was the one at fault. I also was blamed for them. I actually believed that my parents would be happy once I left for college. It was a sibling that told me this wasn't true. Dad rarely said much about my mother but eventually, we kids would ask questions and he'd allude to something but not much information. While it could help to tell your children their mother has BPD, be aware of possible triangulation.

How will telling your children about their mother help them? What will they do with this information and how will you respond to that? It helped me to know my mother has BPD but it didn't change the dynamics in the family.  My impulse was to jump in an "rescue" my father, which only resulted in him aligning with my BPD mother "against" me. The dynamics between them were stronger than any other relationship.

Your children grew up, and now have their own families. Their relationship with their mother has challenges but you are the one who is living with your wife and being subjected to her rages. I'd say- first, take care of yourself in this situation. If you decide to discuss their mother with them, consider that it's only one part of the situation. By taking care of yourself, you will be able to relate to your children better.

How to help adult son get appropriate DBT therapy and how find good therapist

You’re in the very early stages of a process most of us have been through and I feel deep empathy for you. I want to redirect your attention away from the present and towards the future twist and turns you will face. The decisions you make today can powerfully impact the trajectory of your recovery. Just like a physical injury, you can get most things right and in time heal. Or you can do what most of us have done and do everything wrong and extend your pain indefinitely.

Relationships, like people, can die suddenly or linger for years in their deathbeds. If you reflect on things, your sudden breakup is in the long run better than her toying with you with years of false hopes and torture. It does you no good to demand anything other than: “it’s over.”
In fact, most BPD discards involve cheating and a new partner at the point of breakup. Your girlfriend seems more sexually restrained than most pwBPD.

Since both were suffering during the final months--you with anxiety attacks and she with insomnia—perhaps your subconsciouses where aware of problems that your conscious minds were avoiding? pwBPD have serious problems with partners who show any sort of health issues. They cannot be caretakers. Your panic attacks may have triggered the breakup.

Strategically what you want from her is “yes” or “no” and to avoid like the plague “maybe.” Her initial black and white attitude served you well. The real damage begins once she starts giving you hope.

Having BPD means she is mentally ill and not responsible for her actions. Therefore, you should not expect any “standard of care” from her. Given her low self-esteem, she will relish seeing your writhing in pain as she rejects you. She is now playing the part of her tormenting parents while it is you who are relegated to her former role of being abandoned.

To break this alignment, you can mirror her narrative and embrace independence—and then live it. You must understand and fear what is coming down the road: a new man. She will flaunt him to you if you are still in her orbit. This is extremely painful and something you want to avoid at all costs. You should thank your lucky stars that you have this option—most of us didn't since the new man is normally already there at the point of breaking up.

Although contemporary ideology attempts to condemn them, there are stereotypical sexual roles that human nature prefers. In a typical relationship, the general overall vibe is the woman striving for commitment while the man prefers independence. This dynamic has now been reversed in your case.

By exerting your independence, you gain two things. One you will create the emotional space to heal from your anxiety. Second you will reattract her, which is obviously dangerous.
There is a paradox with BPD women: when you act strong and do things correctly, you reattract them which is great emotionally but is exactly what you don’t want to do on a rational level. By acting weak and pathetic, you disgust and push them away, which hurts but is ultimately in your interests as it releases you from their drama.

In my experience, BPD’s recycle for sex in order to punish their last partners. By having sex with their exes, they are in some strange way negating their last relationship. Once that mission is accomplished, they tend to fade away.

And so the trajectory you are facing is a very painful period where she starts a new relationship. To avoid this pain you need to be as far away as possible even before this relationship starts. Ignorance is bliss. If this new relationship breaks down, she will come crawling back to you for revenge sex to punish her last suitor. If you have been able to emotionally separate from her, and profoundly understand the temporary nature of the new hook-up, then this might be okay. The best though is to break all contact with her and reject her when she comes back. This is easier said than done.

The correct trajectory for healing is as far away from her as possible. And as you yourself intuit, BPD or not, when a partner demands independence, the only correct move is to grant it. And I admire your attitude towards the meds, in extreme cases fine, but healing without them is best.

 

Hi everyone. I'll apologize in advance as this will be a long post... I would so appreciate any help. I feel desperate and completely destroyed.

My ex with BPD (29 yrs, male) recently ended our relationship on May 1st. We were together a year and a half. I cannot overstate... I've never loved anyone like I've loved this man. We were like carbon copies of each other. We loved the same things, hated the same things, wanted the same type of future... we had the same interests and aesthetics, the same favorite meal, we drove the same cars. He challenged me and kept me evolving and growing like no one I've ever known. He didn't complete me, but he was an extension of me. He made my whole world brighter. He made everything more.

He has BPD. He's also an addict, though I only met him since he's been sober. He knew he was BPD before we dated, and he sat me down when we realized we had feelings for each other, and told me that if we dated, it would be excruciatingly hard. I signed up for it.

Context: He's been sober for almost 3 years and diagnosed for almost 2 years. He's been in DBT therapy with a trained BPD therapist since before we dated. He's spiritual and went to AA. His therapist has told him that on the spectrum of BPD symptoms, he is a mild case. So sometimes his behavior isn't typical of BPD... for example, he can hold deep accountability, and doesn't always think in black and white.

Still, I've learned more than I ever expected about BPD. Though there were times that were intensely difficult, tumultuous, and extremely taxing - I dealt with it, most of the time, pretty effectively. I validated, I created boundaries, I was consistent and gentle in loving him. He came from a very abusive, toxic past. He told me on many occasions how much more I'd done for him than anyone in his life before. He loved me openly and exercised so much gratitude for me. He told me he'd waited his whole life for someone like me. We planned a future together and I loved my life with him, BPD and all.

I think my two biggest mistakes were 1) I oftentimes tried to solve problems for him, which began to give way to resentment. He used to be inspired by how strong and independent I am, and towards the end, he told me I made him feel emasculated. And 2) as I became more comfortable with him, I became more direct and less gentle. I think this came off as abrasive to him and made him feel less safe with me.

In early/mid April, he began expressing to me that he felt cravings to use/drink again, and cravings to "blow up his life." (He, at this time, was very closely connected to me and openly vulnerable. He told me about pretty much everything.) In the next several weeks, he continued to tell me that he felt he needed to blow up his life. He was about to turn 30, he was starting a new career over from scratch, and he felt deeply unhappy with who he was and where he was in his life. He was angry at the world. Even though our relationship at this time was in a healthy place - with good communication, few fights, and few episodes - I soon became a part of the world he was angry at, and he began to rethink whether or not he even wanted to be in a relationship. He asked me if I would consider taking a break, two days before we had plans to go on a vacation. We went on the vacation and I was intensely destabilized, reactive, and emotional. I picked a lot of fights and was mean to him. He broke up with me three days after getting home.

While he was angry at me for my behavior (which I deeply regret), he sited most of the reasons for the breakup being internal. He wanted to be alone -- since he hadn't been, ever, since getting sober. He wanted to focus only on his career. He wanted to learn how to love and care for himself, without leaning on me to do so (quitting my emotional support cold turkey, because reminder, he's an addict). He didn't want to answer to anyone. He wanted to take charge of his life and "be a man." He needed space from me. He kept saying he didn't want to close the door on a future for us, and that he didn't know where he'd be 6 months or a year down the road. He told me he loved me, and said many wonderful things about me.

We tried first "taking a break" to re-evaluate by the end of the month, but it created a grey zone that was too taxing on both of us. He kept reaching out to me for support, and I gave it (I was the only person that really knew about his experience with BPD. He masks to literally EVERYONE else, and has no other support). He's become really dysregulated. He skipped therapy multiple times. He isn't going to AA, and hadn't been for the last several months. He's been in episodes every few days -- before the breakup, it was maybe once a month. He used to be wonderfully loving and sweet, and now he's become angry, callous, and sometimes just cruel to me. He's angrier than I've ever seen him, and has said things like "I never want anyone's help ever again," or "I'm in charge, no one is going to tell me what to do."

This kind of behavior came out once before in our relationship -- it was a similar big shift in his personality, except it was centered around craving love/sad emotions instead of rejecting love/angry emotions. At that time, he was also in episodes every few days. It took about two months to pass, with residual effects lasting around a year.

We had two conversations on Facetime, about a week ago, and resolved to make a final decision. We talked the majority of the time about getting back together. I wanted to work through it, whatever it took. But ultimately, he said he wasn't in a place to be in a relationship, he didn't want to be unfair to me, and he didn't want to get to the point where he hated me. We lovingly said goodbye.

I took a week of space from him, before reaching out and saying I would like to slowly start to get to the point where we could cordially talk and say hi in public. He said he still loves me, and promised that this situation has been very hard for him, even if it seems like it's easy. His text responses range from sweet to short and crass. I can't tell if I've been discarded, or if he's crass because speaking to me is just painful.

I don't know what to do. I can't tell if I've been discarded and the way he feels about me has changed forever. The way he treats me and speaks to me is completely different than when we were dating. He says he needs space so I don't want to inundate him, but I'm also terrified that if he doesn't experience object permanence with our connection, especially over the phone/in person, I'll just disappear from his life entirely.

I want him back more than anything. Please help.

Filing will get the ball rolling, so to speak.  Letting her move at her pace, then nothing will get done, worse, there will always be excuses, denial, blaming, blame shifting, more time for her to sabotage you with allegations, frame you for mischief, etc.

Are you getting your ducks in a row?  Selected an experienced,proactive lawyer who can go to court and handle trials, if need be?  Have you secured vital documents, your passport, children's passports, IDs, titles, deeds, etc?  Have you made copies of all other important documents such as financial statements, etc?

Also, if your children aren't already benefiting from counseling services, get them started.  If your spouse objects, then that's another item to include in the divorce filing.  (My lawyer stated, "Courts love counseling!")  In any case, schools have counselors, so ensure the schools are aware of the heightened discord and can be there for the children's needs.

Hi! Welcome, you'll certainly find a lot of helpful information here.

One of the things that struck me right away is you've been with this person just a few months and and living together now so this is a new relationship for you?

I've been with with someone who has had these issues for 25 years. My wife is uBPD and started out very mild in the beginning, at first I just thought it was maybe bad PMS/PMDD. It took me until just this the last year before I found out what BPD was and that my wife has it.

It's been extremely challenging and both myself and the kids have been subjected to varying levels of abuse as it's gotten worse over the past 6-8 years: emotional, verbal, and even some physical towards me

It's a very exhausting road and if I knew 25 years ago about this disorder and it's impact I don't know if I would have entered into this relationship. It's been very damaging to me, I'm working on a lot of things but I have a long road ahead. It's hard to know which way is up and figure out what boundaries I need to setup. It's been so damaging to our kids as well.

All this said I think you should continue to look here and do some research. I would recommend a couple of books to start:

Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist
Stop walking on eggshells

I know for my situation I've come to the full acceptance that I'm married to a mentally ill person and she may never get better/change. The ONLY thing I can do is figure out what sort of boundaries I can establish to try to create a life for myself, and stick to them. But it's hard to impossible to imagine ever living a normal life. Even though I've been reading books and her for 6 months I've barely made a step in setting any sort of boundaries. I feel even though I know what's happening and trying to stop being a caretaker I still end up doing it.

If you're this early in your relationship and it's already this volatile you have to ask yourself if this is the person you want to be in a relationship long term/forever? And if you're so accepting of this sort of behavior especially this early then you might be like a lot of us non-BPD partners - with codependent / caretaking tendencies. Most people would run at the first sign of this sort of behavior but not us caretakers   I wish I would have gotten in therapy a LONG time ago, maybe you want to find yourself a therapist?

Do your research and read - good luck friend.

Thanks foreverdad, that puts it all in perspective.

Ugh! Had a good therapy session so I thought. Discussed custody, discussed assets thoight we made real progress.

Then spoke to the mediator where she denied ever even discussing those things..

She still says she will mediate but she wants a lawyer there.. i said fine can you speak to some tomorrow... "Don't tell me what to do I will do it when I am ready.... stop acting like my father"

If I file this will get messy and expensive as will trigger her. If I don't file I am stuck on the merry go around. She wants to know why the rush, lets do it over 3 or 6 months.

She says she doesnt want an expensive fight. But the actions point to the opposite...

I don't feel like she will negotiate in good faith. Even if she does one day, feels like next day she will roll it all back.