H blocked my path in the kitchen. In that moment, I felt blocked. I felt trapped

[Ozzie101]

I told him that I'd felt trapped. Even if, technically, I wasn't backed into a corner or up against a wall, in that moment, I'd felt like I couldn't get away. He waved his hands again and said "Whatever. You're making too much out of it" and then rolled right on to something else. At the time, I was too stunned to know what to say. By the time I'd recovered, he was already deep into another topic.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

this is really the bread and butter of when/where to improve on (conflict specifically), to communicate, to resolve conflict, to come up with solutions together.

I can see that and maybe I need to try to continue the conversation more in-depth when he's in that frame of mind. Part of the problem, though, is that when he does admit that he might go about things the wrong way, from what he says, some of the very unfair and destructive thoughts/beliefs he has are still there.

For instance, he's convinced that I think he's fat, that I judge him for what/when/how much he eats. Nothing could be further from the truth. I think he focuses on it too much and wish he could relax more about it. It's something his mother is obsessed with and I suspect that he's transferring her onto me. I don't feel that way. There are things I've done that he interprets that way (putting food away so it doesn't spoil -- after offering him more, not offering to order an appetizer) even though I've never said a word about it. I love the way he looks and have expressed that through words and actions over the last three years. When he's dysregulating, it's a major stick he beats me with. When he's more normal, he'll still make "joking" comments about me being the food police. It's turned food into a major issue for us, with me constantly second- and third-guessing anything I say or suggest when it comes to eating for fear it will be misinterpreted.

I don't know how to combat that. Ever since I've met him, I've been affectionate (well, until recent behavior made me pull back a bit -- working on that) and made it clear I'm attracted to him. When he's restricting food intake I try to be understanding and also encourage him to eat more. I've asked my parents for guidance there since they dealt with my anorexic sister in our teen years.

So, even when things are calm, I get hints that some of the disordered thinking is still there. I'm hesitant to bring things up for fear of triggering him.

[once removed]

I don't know how to combat that.

dont combat it. he is self conscious and insecure about his body image; he might have better days, but thats unlikely to change long term. combating it, getting caught up in it at all really, is making yourself part of the equation.

be reasonably mindful and sensitive. show love. i wouldnt go much further than that and i wouldnt go above and beyond to try to show him otherwise either. if anything, that can make a person more self conscious.

At the time, I was too stunned to know what to say.

that can happen. i would recommend something along the lines that its hurtful and makes you feel dismissed; ask if the two of you can work on this together. appeal to his better side... .things like (just for example) "we are better than this". or something about how you like how, as a husband, you see him as strong and protective and that makes you feel safe and secure, but when he blocks you out... .

these are just examples. the approach needs to be personalized in terms of what works best for you and the context of the relationship, how the two of you talk to each other.

[Ozzie101]

Yes, I've seen that fighting against his self-image doesn't help. I'm trying to watch that.

Good examples for the blocking. I don't know how receptive he'll be since he tends to get defensive (and any headway we've made on coming to an understanding on things tends to disappear after a day or two) but it's certainly worth trying.

[once removed]

I don't know how receptive he'll be since he tends to get defensive (and any headway we've made on coming to an understanding on things tends to disappear after a day or two) but it's certainly worth trying.

it wont go away over night. you stay on it, consistently (ideally in times of calm), and nip it in the bud over time.

also key, is not reacting when he does it. it may be that he is looking for that reaction. if he doesnt get anything more than a stare, the wind will fly out of his sails.

[Ozzie101]

Oh, I don't react. He insists that's part of the problem, that he's trying to get a rise out of me. When he gets angry, he wants me to get angry and worked up, too. I've told him that doesn't work with me (my natural inclination is to go cold) and I've demonstrated that consistently for the last couple of months. His T told him last night that the other person mirroring him and getting worked up isn't a healthy or productive thing. (My DV counselor has told me the same -- two emotional, angry adults is a powder keg.)

Other than the screaming and blocking incident last month, he hasn't gotten really violent in a while now so maybe it really is working.

[Only Human]

I am locking this thread because it has reached its length limit. The post originator is welcomed to open a continuation thread on this topic.