What is Right, What is Wrong, and How do You Cope?

[Angie59]

Hello everyone! 

I have posted many times before and have gotten some great advice from many of you, so some of you may recognize my story.

In a nutshell, my son and his ex-uBPD girlfriend have split after 5 years together (her decision).  My son has a lawyer in place that has prepared a document for 50/50 custody and is waiting for him to bring her in with him to sign and notarize it to submit to the courts.  That was all the way back in May.  He sat down for his 30 minute consultation, which resulted in the lawyer making up this document for him, has of course paid him money and still owes twice the amount he already paid him to do this, but did not take any action at this point - almost 3 months later!  He seems to be still in the mode of not wanting to rock the boat with his ex, and he believes this will make her mad.  He feels he is getting the time he wants with his son (due to their own 50/50 agreement between the 2 of them), and he is not having to pay any child support.  She has even encouraged him from time to time not to get lawyers involved, they could do this on their own. 

Well, my husband, myself, and my son all warned him that he needed to get a lawyer because she is not going to just skate along with the 50/50 and no child support forever.  So the other day she announced to him that they needed to get their holidays/birthdays, etc. schedule set and she now wants to see a lawyer and legalize it (not knowing he even has one in place as well as the document).  He has said nothing about that to her!  Go figure, because I don't get it!  So why now?  Why was it so important to her in the beginning to not get a lawyer and now she is ready to legalize things?  Who knows?  We just knew it would happen eventually and here we are.  I don't understand my son's behavior at all, keeping his mouth shut about his own lawyer.

So there is also a 5 year old involved, which is his ex-uBPD's daughter but not my son's.  Now that the breakup has occurred, the bio-dad is taking action.  He came to know my son well and I guess didn't worry too much about his daughter's safety, but now things are changed and since she is no longer with my son, he wants to make some changes, and rightfully so.  He has taken his daughter to some counseling but has not told anyone about it (we kind of figured it out because she played "therapist" with us when we were with her twice).  He then asked for a sit-down talk with his daughter's mother (my son's ex-uBPD), my son, and her new boyfriend.  The questions were pretty much directed at her and it was mainly wanting to know why the daughter keeps saying she misses her mommy and wants to be with her.  He asked what is going on and why is she saying this?  What are you doing when you have her?  Unfortunately their situation took place before 2015 when judges began to think 50/50 custody was more beneficial and the uBPD has full custody and he is limited to one day a week and every other weekend.  She began getting nervous, used her inhaler, said my feelings are hurt, I need to calm down and I need to leave.  With that, her and her boyfriend left.  (This is typical behavior for her when confronted - run and hide and take on the victim role).

The bio-dad of the 5-year-old told my son he is wanting 50/50 custody and he feels that there are too many "father figures" in his daughter's life and he also would like her to stay at as few houses as possible (meaning no more overnights with my son).  He did not talk with my son in anger, they have always gotten along.  He assured my son whenever he wanted to see his daughter, just give him a call and they can take the kids to lunch, go to the park, etc., and have a visit with her.  He is just trying to get his place back with his daughter as her dad and have more time with her to have a closer relationship with her than he has been allowed to do.  I support this man 100%.  My son, however, although he told him he understood, said if his ex-uBPD calls and asks him to keep her, he will still do so and the child is still to the day calling my son Dad, Daddy, etc., and always referring to the bio-dad by his first name, which I'm sure bothers bio-dad to no end.  It would me!

I'm writing to get opinions on what you all think about my own son's behavior, as I am beginning to worry about his mental state sometimes.  It seems like he is just disregarding this man's wishes, and I don't get why.  He would not like this done to him!  Also, I know all states are different (they live in the state of Illinois), but whenever the parent who has the child at the time cannot watch them for whatever reason, isn't it the other parent's right to be notified first to see if they wish to take the child, before placing them with someone else without notice to the other parent? 

I believe the bio-dad is getting an attorney to draw up these papers and I hope that he gets his 50/50 custody because he wants to have a relationship with his daughter and wants to be "Dad" not all of these other Dad figures in her life, which is what he said to my son.  I believe that to be right.  It is only common sense.  I know that my son is having a hard time giving her up, but it's like he is still acting like he is with the ex, doing everything she wants, wanting the child to be with him just like before, etc...  Does this behavior make any sense to anyone?

I know my son has to make his own decisions and I need to take a big step back, but when it comes to the well-being of my grandson (our biological grandson), it is really hard.  How do you "disengage" from the situation when it involves small innocent children?  That is really my question.  I bring this issue up because it seems like my son is thinking of the Almighty Dollar before his son.  His ex-uBPD and him had in mind way before they broke up to start our grandson in an Early Childhood Program through the school district.  He is in a church-affiliated daycare center now 3 days and week and is very happy there.  He has made friends, plays well with the others, and seems well-adjusted there.  So in lieu of that, on 08/19/2019, they will be pulling him out of that environment and taking him to this program which is every day from 8:25-11:05 a.m.  Of course they have not bothered to figure out who will be picking him up and taking care of him the rest of the day.  We already take care of him every Thursday and his maternal grandmother has every Tuesday.  My son keeps trying to push us into taking another day and my husband does not want to as he has a terrible back and the furniture at my son's is very uncomfortable.  I understand that as it was an issue in the past and we had to drop 2 days down to 1 because of it.  The furniture is the same now as in the past, so...why would it be okay now?  He said it will be too much 4 days a week on the maternal grandmother.  Why didn't 'they work this out before?  I feel he is taking him out of a positive setting and putting him somewhere he is not used to - another change, which is the last thing he needs because of the split-up, etc..., all for the sake of saving money.  What happened to putting the welfare of the child first?  I don't see him doing this - it seems like money and keeping his ex happy is what matters and I don't know what to do with this anger burning inside me.  If there were no children involved, I feel I could disengage from his issues so much more easily.  It's my little 3 year old guy I'm worried about.  Just as an aside, he will be in a class with 3-5 year olds and he is not potty broken yet.  I'm worried about him being made fun of because of this.  Neither my son or the u-BPD ex have worked on potty breaking him at all.  He also does not talk real plain at this point and that is another thing I'm thinking he may be made fun of. 

Is Grandma worrying about too much here, or do you think these are valid points? 

Any and all opinions/answers are welcome at this point.  I am just overcome by my son's behaviors.  I feel like I never really knew him.

[ForeverDad]

Your son appears to be in "don't rock the boat" mode.  That worked from him in the past but now cracks are appearing... the parent of the older child will be seeking more time... his ex is wants to make an official schedule.  He's still in appeasing or compliant mode to avoid confrontations.

Is there a reason why you have to be at son's home when child-sitting?  Or swap out one of his chairs for one less uncomfortable?

While you do want the best for your son, both now and peering into the future risks, there are limits to your powers.  I guess the best way is to help him see the benefit of your perspectives, without more or less shutting him down.

[Angie59]

Hi Forever Dad!

Would you be able to elaborate a bit on the part at the end about the best way to help him see my perspectives without shutting him down.  How do you do that exactly?  I certainly don't want to shut him down, I want to feel he can come to us any time without judgment if he needs advice or just a sounding board.  I think anger is standing in my way because I have always had a problem with anger, not proud to say, just being honest.  It especially flares when I think his decisions are going to impact our grandson, the innocent little guy in all this.  I would like to achieve what you are talking about, but don't know how.

To answer your question about the babysitting, we live about 30 minutes away from his house.  We have always gone to his house to watch our grandson.  The same furniture has always been in place and there are no substitutes for it that are any more comfortable.  He knows this as well as knowing his dad has undergone two back surgeries which failed.  While I certainly cannot force him to buy new furniture, he doesn't want to compromise in any way either.  One of our ideas to help out now that the grandson needs to be picked up from the school he will be going to (and to help out maternal grandmother, who by the way lives exactly 4 minutes from the school), we suggested for comfort reasons to pick him up from school at 11:00 a.m. and take him back to our house.  Yes, it would be a drive from his job to get back to our house to pick him up, but it would solve the problem of comfort for my husband, which we are certainly willing to do.  His answer:  I don't want to drive that far.  What about the hour's worth of travel we do each trip we make?  He seems to have a selfish streak in him that is very hard for me to deal with sometimes.  I hate to say this, but changes I have seen in him sometimes sound just like the ex-uBPD.  Hard to stay patient, open and loving when you feel you aren't getting any consideration.

You make a good point about the reason for his "don't rock the boat," mode and I agree with you.  That certainly seems to be what he is doing.  Doesn't he get it though that the reason she now wants to make it "legal" is to collect child support?  How about all that cheating she did on him and treated him terrible the last 2 years of their relationship - all admitted to us by him?  I can't get it through my head how you even care about rocking someone like that's boat in view of all they did to you, and are still doing for that matter! 

[livednlearned]

It doesn't sound like your son is ready to hear what you have to say, so the next best thing is to communicate your values through actions. Words aren't working.

What would happen if you said, No sorry. We mentioned before we can't take care of GS3 with bad backs and all, the furniture is really painful for grandpa.

Then let them solve the problem.

If you rescue them from this problem, there will be 19845 problems after that, and they will continue to make decisions without consulting you, knowing that you will adapt to their bad behavior.

It's tough with little kids involved, I know.

Does maternal grandma have signs of BPD?

[Angie59]

Hello LivedandLearned!

I see what you are saying and you are absolutely right.  Our words have not worked at all for a long, long time now.  I also do not feel it is fair for me to be put in the "answering chair" for my husband.  My son has asked me three different times now about a third day and I said I didn't feel his dad would go for that because of his back, etc... The last time he asked I finally said, This is a conversation to discuss with your dad.

I don't mean to throw him under the bus, but it is my phone which rings all the time, questions directed to me that involve other people and what they  may want, so I feel I'm always in the hot seat trying to answer for everyone else trying not to make anyone angry.  I know - codependent and make boundaries!  I really am trying.

Regarding BP's mother having BPD, I can't say I have come to know her well enough to say.  Conversations during get-togethers have always been surface conversations except for one time when her and I were alone and I did think this was significant.  She told me out of the blue that her mother and her did not have a close relationship.  She said that her mother never cuddled her, gave her affection or played with her.  She kind of treated her like she wasn't there.  She then said she swore if she ever had a child she would never treat it like that because she knew babies need that kind of thing.  So it tells me this "mothering" stuff is in the family, but I don't know how she treated her daughter in reality once she had her. 

My son is coming over today with our grandson and the 5 year old.  The 5 year old has bad behavioral issues - kind of oppositional defiant.  She clings to me the whole time she is here and wants my undivided attention constantly.  I don't have the heart to tell her to do something else, she is starving for attention.  However, wears me down to a nub because it is exhausting!

[GaGrl]

It is never good to feel caught in the middle for any length of time, and it sounds as you've been there a while!

Your son sounds somewhat entitled -- boundaries will be critical! He asks for help, and then wants to dictate the terms of the help? That's really quite rude.

Perhaps it's time for a caring yet blunt "here's what we can do, and here's what we can't or won't do" conversation.