He got diagnosed today. I can't breathe.

[misuniadziubek]

My officially diagnosed partner with BPD told me today that he got officially diagnosed as a BPD today by a counselor.

I got the message by text. I'm supposed to get up there in three hours. I started sobbing so hard that I now have ridiculous raccoon eyes.

He's my partner. I will support him no matter what. But this is incredible. I didn't expect this to happen. Not so soon.

They want him to do DBT. He's scared.  That they will cure him of his broken parts. That they will cure him of his unique sense of self. That his specialness is from those broken parts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[nomoremommyfood]

My apologies for the sudden shock - were you anticipating a different diagnosis?

If it helps at all, I've always felt an official diagnosis was a positive thing, regardless of whether it's BPD or another condition. A correct diagnosis can put an end to so much mystery and finally bring answers - or even validation - to symptoms that were previously confusing. And, most important, it can lead to treatment and a better future. I'm not sure if it's relevant, but I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar I and initially saw it as a step below schizophrenia. But, since then, the diagnosis has actually reassured me that certain feelings were the symptoms of a condition that could be controlled as opposed to feeling like I'm going crazy for no reason and with no end in sight.

As far as I know and others can correct me if I'm wrong, DBT is supposedly the best treatment for BPD. There's something of a misconception around certain mental health conditions that treatment will destroy uniqueness (though this might be more of a bipolar/medication thing) yet, in the end, it's hard to be creative when you're too depressed/manic/dysregulated to even function.

Actually, the fact that your partner is willing to consider DBT is a good sign. My partner's had a diagnosis for years now and is adamantly against any sort of counseling; a factor that makes everything so much more difficult on his friends and family. I would, however, be hesitant to consider anything a "cure." It's not like penicillin but more like tools to make everyday life easier, as opposed to making someone 100% happy and normal all the time. Whenever I try to convince my bf to try therapy, I explain it as turning a level 9 miserable into a level 4 miserable; not changing his essential essence, but making it easier to handle emotions he encounters.

I really hope that helps!

[misuniadziubek]

It's a shock because I knew he had borderline since a year. He didn't express any intentions of getting a proper diagnoses. He's always lied to any counselor he has seen, mostly for ADHD. Today he decided to stop lying and be honest and confront the idea that he had BPD.

It's definitely validation. Less a confirmed thing or answer. I've already had the answer. But this time he sought it.

The way he has explained it, he has his first stable relationship. He's realized that he has issues and needs help.

[misuniadziubek]

As far as I know and others can correct me if I'm wrong, DBT is supposedly the best treatment for BPD. There's something of a misconception around certain mental health conditions that treatment will destroy uniqueness (though this might be more of a bipolar/medication thing) yet, in the end, it's hard to be creative when you're too depressed/manic/dysregulated to even function.

Actually, the fact that your partner is willing to consider DBT is a good sign. My partner's had a diagnosis for years now and is adamantly against any sort of counseling; a factor that makes everything so much more difficult on his friends and family. I would, however, be hesitant to consider anything a "cure." It's not like penicillin but more like tools to make everyday life easier, as opposed to making someone 100% happy and normal all the time. Whenever I try to convince my bf to try therapy, I explain it as turning a level 9 miserable into a level 4 miserable; not changing his essential essence, but making it easier to handle emotions he encounters.

I really hope that helps!

Thank you for this response. It might be easier to explain that to him. He's very feeling really down lately.

[babyducks]

hi misuniadziubek,

It must have been quite a moment.   a watershed moment in many ways.   maybe in a way it's bringing you both closer to being on the same page?

that was my experience, when I learned about BPD and my partner learned about her disorder we eventually, and very very slowly crept closer to talking about things with the same language, with a shared understanding.   

nomoremommyfood nailed it, from my point of view.   therapy and dbt has provided my partner with tools.   she still deregulates emotionally from time to time.  the difference now is when it happens, she knows what to do and I know what to do.   instead of suddenly being at 6.3 on the Richter Scale where the world is literally ending, we have a little tremor in the day and we go on.   

it hasn't altered her essential essence, it has added some very impressive skills to her repertoire .   it makes things manageable, not inherently different.   and for me, in my experience, the changes came so very gradually as to be hardly noticeable. 

I would, however, be hesitant to consider anything a "cure." It's not like penicillin but more like tools to make everyday life easier, as opposed to making someone 100% happy and normal all the time. Whenever I try to convince my bf to try therapy, I explain it as turning a level 9 miserable into a level 4 miserable; not changing his essential essence, but making it easier to handle emotions he encounters.

I really hope that helps!

I believe life changes us all.   Here we have the option of choosing to be ahead of the change driving it, or behind the change reacting to it.   In the long run, the core of what/who we are remains pretty much the same only refined and strengthened.

'ducks

[waverider]

Diagnosis is a positive step forward. It is not always and easy or pleasant step forward however.

Acceptance of the diagnosis often takes a change first on tour behave, as the more 'acceptance' and support you have been showing the less defensive they are about having their vulnerabilities exposed.

Treatment can quite successful IF they can commit and stick to it, but thats the rub, the condition itself defeats this ability. So even with best intentions it can still be stop / start from here on.

A happy future is not dependent on being "cured" from BPD it is about you being able to get on without intensive conflict.

[misuniadziubek]

Diagnosis is a positive step forward. It is not always and easy or pleasant step forward however.

Acceptance of the diagnosis often takes a change first on tour behave, as the more 'acceptance' and support you have been showing the less defensive they are about having their vulnerabilities exposed.

Treatment can quite successful IF they can commit and stick to it, but thats the rub, the condition itself defeats this ability. So even with best intentions it can still be stop / start from here on.

A happy future is not dependent on being "cured" from BPD it is about you being able to get on without intensive conflict.

I told him that us getting back together is conditional on him doing therapy. That is the purpose of spending time apart.

I did tell him I've been aware of the high likelihood of him having BPD. He asked why ibd never said anything. I'm like... .I hinted at it. But do you really think you would have been able to handle it. He said. No. I'd have thought you were trying to absolve yourself of responsibility for the relationship failing.

Exactly.

He also mentioned how I don't really understand BPD if I question his behaviors. I told him that understanding doesn't mean that I'm willing to put up with it and compromise my values  by not setting boundaries.  It doesn't make it easier to handle his outbursts.

[shellsh0cked]

Actually, the fact that your partner is willing to consider DBT is a good sign. My partner's had a diagnosis for years now and is adamantly against any sort of counseling; a factor that makes everything so much more difficult on his friends and family. I would, however, be hesitant to consider anything a "cure."

Nail on head here   Most BPDs are never diagnosed because denial and mirroring don't allow any real diagnosis to occur.  My ex was probably (and still is) probably one of the more serious cases.  She may never be diagnosed because she has refused treatment or has dropped out of any kind of treatment.  BPDs are excellent at manipulation and they even manipulate their counselors... .The last person that treated her pushed some drugs off on her (bad... .bad idea since she abuses them)... .From my research some counselors refuse to work with BPDs because they are so difficult to work with or they may be hesistant to give "the diagnosis" because they know how bad this can be for the afflicted person (and their loved ones).  

I know about DBT and it is supposed to really be the best (and maybe only) truly successful treatment for this.  Kudos to him however to caring enough to realize how he is hurting others around him and getting some therapy

Supposedly my ex is in a postition where she will be getting some therapy since she is at rock bottom and her family has had it with her behavior... .Hopefully a BPD diagnosis so they can give her the help she really needs.  I know how difficult that can be.  If we are here, we have been through it.  

Good luck to you both... .

[formflier]

 

Focus on being supportive

Expect his treatment and progress to be a zig zag (not straight line to "better)... .

This is a good step... .

FF

[misuniadziubek]

Focus on being supportive

Expect his treatment and progress to be a zig zag (not straight line to "better)... .

This is a good step... .

FF

I can't really bed that supportive. Ive expressed happiness that he has decided to try DBT despite his fears and anxieties. Told him that I'd be supportive no matter what.

But now are NC/VLC for the next month. I hope he sticks to it. Distancing himself from me is a way to try to decrease the anxiety and stress while he does this.

I know about DBT and it is supposed to really be the best (and maybe only) truly successful treatment for this.  Kudos to him however to caring enough to realize how he is hurting others around him and getting some therapy

Supposedly my ex is in a postition where she will be getting some therapy since she is at rock bottom and her family has had it with her behavior... .Hopefully a BPD diagnosis so they can give her the help she really needs.  I know how difficult that can be.  If we are here, we have been through it. 

Good luck to you both... .

Thank you so much

He got the diagnosis because he went over all the symptoms and compared himself and sent a very honest email to his counselor. Apparently he has been experiencing extreme guilt over how he has treated people around him. The night he was diagnosed, he got very drunk and kept repeating how he is a terrible person. How he makes everyone else's life hard. How he hurts everyone he loves.

He finally stopped lying to himself and his counselor. It means he has finally hit that point. At 23, nonetheless. I told him that it is incredibly brave of him to confront his problems like that and actually seek out help. I also told him that it's not his fault he has BPD. That it's not completely something he was born with. He stated that he heard there is a genetic aspect. I told him that you can be born with BPD predispositions, but when you have a lot of nurturing and specialised care, you are less likely to express these genetics. Growing up in a crazy, dysfunctional, mentally abusive environment like he did makes it more likely that you end up BPD. He started crying and hugging me really tightly at that point.

I'm okay. He's gonna be okay. Everything is okay. I'm a little scared, and that's okay too. I haven't gone into a self-destructive cycle in the least. I'm proud of myself. I feel strong. 

[waverider]

Just one heads up, be alert to the possibility that at times he could retreat into using it as an excuse and turning on you complaining that you don't really understand at all otherwise you won't accept something that is inappropriate behavior.

Owning an illness, and hence responsibility, full time can be stressful and lead to depression and desperate grasping at straws for the magic pill/person to fix them.

[misuniadziubek]

Just one heads up, be alert to the possibility that at times he could retreat into using it as an excuse and turning on you complaining that you don't really understand at all otherwise you won't accept something that is inappropriate behavior.

Owning an illness, and hence responsibility, full time can be stressful and lead to depression and desperate grasping at straws for the magic pill/person to fix them.

Yeah, you know. That's what he tried to do last night. Use it as a disability that required me to be better.

I told him straight up that it's an illness not an excuse. He's responsible for getting better.