Scared, lost, trapped

[Kitty1984]

I'm not sure why I'm here or what I expect. My husband is being psychologically assessed more than likely with the outcome being BPD. I understand that he's ill and can't help his outbursts, accusations and anger. I am struggling to see a way out though. We have a four year old he regularly verbally abuses and has recently physically abused. I can't forgive that but I should because he's ill. Oh I don't know. He says he'll get help if he can take a pill but has no time for talking. He fails to see how everything is not mine and our daughters fault. I don't want to abandon him but I'm really struggling to continue. I don't know what to do  

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Stalwart]

I would like to welcome  you Kitty. I sounds like you're in a really desperate place and I can so sympathize with how disheartening and frightening and confusing it must be for you and for your children.

A site moderator should be along soon and I know they will point you to some of the tools here on this site that are designed specifically to help you come to better terms with yourself and the chaos you must feel is so overwhelming.

In the meantime others in like situations are here and there are a lot of great people to talk to.

It is good he is going to look into a diagnosis and I so hope he does decided that recommendations on meds aren't enough and looks into therapy. It could be the best thing for everyone.

You make sure in the meantime that you love those kids, keep them close to you and I so hope you find the time to care for yourself as well Kitty. Opening up the door to awareness of having a challenge for your husband may just be the best thing that could possibly happen and I'm glad he's found that door now. Hopefully he walks through it and finds a new path that's better for you and the kids.

Meantime, it has to be about you and staying stronger and healthy to take care of yourself and the kids. There are lots of useful tools here for that Kitty.

Best of luck.

[debyt]

I know what you are going through.  I am learning to set boundaries.  I wish I would have given my husband the "stop walking on eggshells" book a lot sooner than I did. The last year has been hell.  But he has recently asked for the book again (he did read some of it a year ago) and he realizes he has all 9 hallmarks of the disorder.

I heard Dr. Laura once say there are 3 Big A's allowed for divorce.  Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction.  I would add one more: All Mental/Emotional Disorders. 

Set your boundaries and stick to them.  He has to be willing to seek help.  Meds are great but they are easily forgotten and you have to check up on those.  I got to where I knew when he didn't take them.  Oh, and I hate the moon.  New moon is the worst time.  Full moon is the best for us.  Guess which moon we met under? 

He has to want to get help for himself.  If he does get help for any other reason, it won't stick.  I will be praying for you. dtf

[Theo41]

Kitty 1984, I would second what the others have said and add one very important thing. Children can not be exposed to verbal and physical abuse. It damages them. There are two kinds of mothers(generally speaking) 1. Those who stand up for their kids and lay the law down: No verbal abuse and if you ever hit one of them We're done and the kids and I are gone. 2. Mothers who are not strong enough to do that and rationalize it in some way. My mother was Type 1 Thank God, and I am here to write this email rather than dead or in some mental hospital. Kids must have protection. Theo p.s. child abuse is also illegal in most parts of the U.S.

[takingandsending]

Kitty,

Please do take a look at the Safety First link to the right of this page. Do you have a safety plan in place for you and your daughter? Verbal and physical abuse are not okay. Please take a look through that link and let us know how we can help.

[married21years]

welcome, we are here to help each other!

therapy is the best solution for him, but he has to do it for him

reading is your best friend, research all you can

[lbjnltx]

Hi Kitty,

I'm sorry that you are in such a position.  I can tell that you love your husband very much and this causes you to be confused about what to do.  If your husband is abusing your daughter you must protect her.  In a way this is also protecting your husband who does not have the skill set to control himself.  Removing your child from harm keeps him out of trouble.  Removing your child protects the family unit lest something more dreadful happen and she is removed from your care for failure to protect.

Do not leave your daughter alone with husband.

By not holding your husband accountable for his actions you enable them to continue.  If your husband remains in the home with you and your daughter

setting boundaries around protecting your daughter and making your husband aware of these boundaries during a time of calm is important.  It might go something like this:  "When situations escalate and I feel like daughter 4 is in danger either emotionally or physically it is best that I remove her until the situations is calmed down and she can return."

Have you had to leave in the past due to escalating behaviors?  How did he react?

lbj