Why is NC so darn difficult?

[Jack2727]

Maybe it's my ego talking but I just feel like contacting my ex and cursing her out. I think the longer that time passes I get more and more bitter as reality sinks in deeper. I guess it's part of the healing process.

[nickoftime]

Yes anger is part of the healing process.  I'm sure you know contacting your ex for any reason, even to curse them out will more likely make things worse and not give you the relief you might think.

NC contact is difficult for numerous reasons and we all share those reasons through this painful journey.  We miss them, we can't comprehend how they can just walk away and be so cruel about it on top of everything else.  When I set my boundaries and started NC with my ex, the silence from my ex just said it all and it was devastating.

But now 5 months later, when I think of my ex and the relationship, all that comes to mind are the lies, the constant drama and chaos.  I don't miss it at all.  Even the good memories that used to crush me when I would think back on them, are now not that special.  I don't hate those memories but they don't resonate with me like they used to. That is liberating and you'll be surprised one day that will be the case for you too.

The NC works but it's hard.  You will find it works and you will start to feel better.

[CloseToFreedom]

Well, I'm an expert on breaking contact in the 10 times we've recycled, and I can tell you this: once they've split you black, getting into contact with your ex, for whatever reason (to reconcyle or to tell her off) is only going to make you feel worse after. So please don't.

[Jack2727]

I'm not gonna break it! I'm proud of resisting for two months. Hopefully a month from now she will be further out of my mind. Thanks peeps!

[CloseToFreedom]

I'm not gonna break it! I'm proud of resisting for two months. Hopefully a month from now she will be further out of my mind. Thanks peeps!

You bet! Time is all you need. I'm three months out now and about 1,5 month of no contact (except for bumping into her every now and then during parties), and I'm ignoring contact she starts now, and I can tell you each day feels a bit better. Now I have to be honest, I'm also on anti depressives for a month now and they also help so they might also contribute to me feeling better, but I honestly believe keeping NC is the best medicine. Keep it up!

[raisins3142]

I feel the same right now.

I was reading another post and it made me think of how she treated me during the devaluation stage and I started thinking of how I had zero trust in her and how passive aggressive she was with her silent treatment and sullen face 24/7 and I started pondering what she did behind my back that I'll never know about.

So, I wanted to contact her and let her have it again.  But I won't.

This is also a bit of ego, but I want to compare my likely aptitude on paper to her own in front of her (meaning objective measures of achievement like a resume, etc) and ask: "And you were dumb enough to think you could fool and manipulate me for long?  You aren't even smart enough to know you are dumb."

I want to shame her right now and make her feel like she was lucky to have found me and she destroyed our relationship.  I'm angry right now.  But I won't break NC.  I just need to get out of my office and do something outside, and stay away from these stories if they are triggering my anger right now.

[CloseToFreedom]

But thats what Im trying to say, you trying to shame her won't work. She'll just send a comeback that makes no sense but makes you feel even worse. There's no way to try and make him/her understand.

[nowwhatz]

I'm not gonna break it! I'm proud of resisting for two months. Hopefully a month from now she will be further out of my mind. Thanks peeps!

Jack that is great!

I wish I was as strong as you as I am terrible at keeping NC but am not giving up the fight!

[raisins3142]

Arguing or discussing anything with them is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon will knock over all the pieces, crap on the board, and fly away thinking they just won.

My ex had 2 cluster b best friends (both female).  And they understood each other but were totally irrational.

One was upset over a past boyfriend, so she slept with him while he was married.  Then she offered sex to a much younger guy at work (she is like 38 and the guy is like 21) to get companionship and then when he no longer wanted her she would do things to make him pursue her so that she could reject him or keep getting chased because "it feels good to be chased".  My girlfriend acted like this behavior made some sense.

Okay, gotta leave, I'm derailing and getting fight/flight.  Peace for now.

[vbor]

NC is one of the hardest things I have ever had to commit to. We desperately want some kind of closure and/or some kind of resolution. We will NEVER get that from our exBPD's. I'm just starting to realize how important NC is with our healing process. We are suddenly removed from the "relationship" and are forced to confront these issues by ourselves. True healing, closure, and validation can only come from within. We are forced to deal with our own issues through NC more than just the issues of our ex's and our relationship with them. Sometimes facing our own truths is the hardest thing of all. But's that's a good thing. We, unlike our ex's, have the ability to do that. As we slowly work through our pain and ultimately confront ourselves, hopefully, we emerge at the other end of this thing stronger and healthier people.

How many conversations have you had with yourself imagining what you would say if they were to contact you some day? (Mine hasn't... .yet btw) For me, I've literally had about a hundred of these talks with myself. Every time I do it the dynamics of the conversation changes. They can be sad conversations and then angry conversations and then conversations of acceptance. I've started listening to myself and asking myself what kind of resolution or outcome am I really looking for? I've found that, over time, I really hope I never have to have any of these conversations with her. I know I will never get any closure with her. I actually fear what some of these conversations could trigger in her and what they could trigger in me as well. I've found that if faced with the chance of speaking with her again... .the best thing to do (for me) is to ultimately say NOTHING at all. I really DO NOT want to repeat this whole process over again from the beginning.

Admittedly, I still struggle with No Contact. I know (now) I will not call her or text her or write her a letter. I actually texted her 7 days after the breakup and, let's just say, it was NOT GOOD AT ALL. It was like talking to a completely different person. Since that last text conversation, I have remained NC for for a solid month now (yeah me!). My only problem with NC is... .Facebook.

Every morning I have to repeat to myself a daily mantra: "I will not check her FB, I will not check her FB."

[ShadowIntheNight]

I let mine have it the day she officially "ended" our relationship back in August. She ended our 9.5 yr relationship with a note in my birthday card telling me she had been dating men all summer (a lie. She started as early as April I have since learned) and then told me I was a good "friend." (Lesbian relationship, her previously married for 10 yrs. She actually went back into the closet.)

When I phoned after reading her note she didn't pick up so I blasted her every way to Sunday. In return, all I felt was terrible and she has given me, seemingly, the silent treatment. When I did have an ounce of email communication back in November, I apologized as I felt awful having behaved so uncharcateristically for me. She let me know how awful I was and how now she was rethinking our entire relationship. Not one word of apology on her part of how she created the entire scenario in the first place.

Her scapegoating me is what led me to this website. Earlier I said we seemingly have had no contact. Interestingly since September I have received "PRIVATE NUMBER" hang up calls several times a month. I know it's her. I don't know what jollies she's getting from it, but it gives her something.

So if you think you want to b___ her out two things to think about, first if you harbor the idea that you  might remotely want to get back, then don't do it. Secondly, the breakup will then be about YOUR behavior and not hers. It's like a get out of jail free card for them. If they have shame and guilt, that will help it to slip away. I wish I hadn't done it, more for me than her.

[Jack2727]

NC is one of the hardest things I have ever had to commit to. We desperately want some kind of closure and/or some kind of resolution. We will NEVER get that from our exBPD's. I'm just starting to realize how important NC is with our healing process. We are suddenly removed from the "relationship" and are forced to confront these issues by ourselves. True healing, closure, and validation can only come from within. We are forced to deal with our own issues through NC more than just the issues of our ex's and our relationship with them. Sometimes facing our own truths is the hardest thing of all. But's that's a good thing. We, unlike our ex's, have the ability to do that. As we slowly work through our pain and ultimately confront ourselves, hopefully, we emerge at the other end of this thing stronger and healthier people.

How many conversations have you had with yourself imagining what you would say if they were to contact you some day? (Mine hasn't... .yet btw) For me, I've literally had about a hundred of these talks with myself. Every time I do it the dynamics of the conversation changes. They can be sad conversations and then angry conversations and then conversations of acceptance. I've started listening to myself and asking myself what kind of resolution or outcome am I really looking for? I've found that, over time, I really hope I never have to have any of these conversations with her. I know I will never get any closure with her. I actually fear what some of these conversations could trigger in her and what they could trigger in me as well. I've found that if faced with the chance of speaking with her again... .the best thing to do (for me) is to ultimately say NOTHING at all. I really DO NOT want to repeat this whole process over again from the beginning.

Admittedly, I still struggle with No Contact. I know (now) I will not call her or text her or write her a letter. I actually texted her 7 days after the breakup and, let's just say, it was NOT GOOD AT ALL. It was like talking to a completely different person. Since that last text conversation, I have remained NC for for a solid month now (yeah me!). My only problem with NC is... .Facebook.

Every morning I have to repeat to myself a daily mantra: "I will not check her FB, I will not check her FB."

I go through the same ruminations daily. I think about how I will react when she does return. She will because there will be a point where she will need me again. Hopefully I'll be strong enough to withstand it when that day comes.

I blocked her on fb btw because I don't want to see her picture pop up in the search bar and the inevitable day when she posts a profile pic with my replacement. Something she never did when we dated.

[apollotech]

Maybe it's my ego talking but I just feel like contacting my ex and cursing her out. I think the longer that time passes I get more and more bitter as reality sinks in deeper. I guess it's part of the healing process.

NC is difficult because it is abnormal. Most of us are social creatures. Our biggest and most often used tool to keep us in the social herd, to keep us "connected", is communication. We repair relationships through communication. Unfortunately, in a relationship with a mentally unhealthy person, that avenue of repair is simply not viable. So, we are "forced" into abandoning the largest and most worn tool in our tool chest. It feels abnormal and difficult because it is abnormal and difficult.

Rather than wasting your emotional energy in anger towards her, why not spend it on something positive and beneficial for you? Don't waste it; use it wisely. Release your anger in a positive manner and negate that bitterness. That toxic buildup only affects you, not her.

[vbor]

I blocked her on fb btw because I don't want to see her picture pop up in the search bar and the inevitable day when she posts a profile pic with my replacement. Something she never did when we dated.

I've already been through the "profile pic with replacement" thing. That was exactly 7 days after our breakup and that was the day I last contacted her via text (about the picture). Let me tell you Friend, it's NOT a good feeling at all. I recommend that if you can avoid that day... .please do by any means. I physically felt like I was stabbed in the heart when I first saw it. My blood boiled. That image was and is seared into my brain. She had always asked me to take one with her during our last month together, but every time I suggested taking one it was never "convenient" for her. In the end, it was her ONLY reason she gave me for the breakup, "You never took a pic with me for my FB." She actually had the necklace (with our names engraved) on that I bought her last year for Valentine's Day (featured prominently btw).

In hindsight, I realize now that by posting that picture, it was a direct attack on me.

Two weeks later... .that replacement is gone (obviously a healthier man than I was). Now, I've heard from a friend, she's onto her next.

I will NOT be looking for that picture.

[Jack2727]

Yeah, my second to last ex who I dated on and off for 1 1/2 wouldn't post a pic of us on Facebook either. She now has one with my replacement. She contacts me every once in a while and her excuse is that she is now more active on social media.

Lol

That ex was more npd than bod and painted me so black that she didn't want her friends knowing we were dating.

And that's why I am so fearful of the dating pool out there. And I thought that was painful before I met my last gf who topped the cake.

I'm afraid to see what I have in store with my next gf. Maybe she will abandon me at the altar. Hahahaha!

[nowwhatz]

Maybe it's my ego talking but I just feel like contacting my ex and cursing her out. I think the longer that time passes I get more and more bitter as reality sinks in deeper. I guess it's part of the healing process.

NC is difficult because it is abnormal. Most of us are social creatures. Our biggest and most often used tool to keep us in the social herd, to keep us "connected", is communication. We repair relationships through communication. Unfortunately, in a relationship with a mentally unhealthy person, that avenue of repair is simply not viable. So, we are "forced" into abandoning the largest and most worn tool in our tool chest. It feels abnormal and difficult because it is abnormal and difficult.

Rather than wasting your emotional energy in anger towards her, why not spend it on something positive and beneficial for you? Don't waste it; use it wisely. Release your anger in a positive manner and negate that bitterness. That toxic buildup only affects you, not her.

It is especially difficult with the technological advances in communications. 30 years ago it was much easier.

Just today I got a notification on my phone saying my exBPDgf is following me on instagram. Later I pulled up my instagram account and she was no longer following me haha.  She must be off today.

I think our minds play tricks on us during NC. It is exceedingly difficult especially and more so for guys, I believe.  For guys it is in our DNA to be a hunter/gatherer type and with so many of these BPD women needing to be taken care of it throws our systems into overload.  Even right now I have to fight with my mind not to be concerned with the exgf.

It is sometimes a minute-by-minute struggle.    Reading how others have had success is encouraging.

[FlSunshineGirl]

"Arguing or discussing anything with them is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon will knock over all the pieces, crap on the board, and fly away thinking they just won."

Best comment ever! Lol!

[Infared]

NC is one of the hardest things I have ever had to commit to. We desperately want some kind of closure and/or some kind of resolution. We will NEVER get that from our exBPD's. I'm just starting to realize how important NC is with our healing process. We are suddenly removed from the "relationship" and are forced to confront these issues by ourselves. True healing, closure, and validation can only come from within. We are forced to deal with our own issues through NC more than just the issues of our ex's and our relationship with them. Sometimes facing our own truths is the hardest thing of all. But's that's a good thing. We, unlike our ex's, have the ability to do that. As we slowly work through our pain and ultimately confront ourselves, hopefully, we emerge at the other end of this thing stronger and healthier people.

There it is. That's all there is to know! Stop at that paragraph vbor... .YOU HAVE IT!

There will be no closure from these people. They are mentally ill.

NC is just about impossible in the beginning... .but it gets easier.  I have been able to maintain it for years... .and when she tries to walk up to me I simply turn my head and walk away. No expression. No drama. I just get away from it. I know that there is NOTHING healthy there for me. So I go. Unfortunately, the only person that I can love in that situation is me, no matter how much I would want it to be otherwise.

There will never be an understanding there between two people. It just is not possible.

I am in one universe... .she is in another (with my replacement)... .There is nothing to "say".

For me... .there can only be acceptance.

[Infared]

Her scapegoating me is what led me to this website. Earlier I said we seemingly have had no contact. Interestingly since September I have received "PRIVATE NUMBER" hang up calls several times a month. I know it's her. I don't know what jollies she's getting from it, but it gives her something.

Consider them digital drive-byes! (I got the real thing on numerous occasions, even though she was living with my replacement?). It's just more of their whackiness!  

[raisins3142]

"Arguing or discussing anything with them is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon will knock over all the pieces, crap on the board, and fly away thinking they just won."

Best comment ever! Lol!

Thanks, I didn't come up with the metaphor though   I read it somewhere else years ago.

[Infared]

"Arguing or discussing anything with them is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon will knock over all the pieces, crap on the board, and fly away thinking they just won."

Best comment ever! Lol!

Thanks, I didn't come up with the metaphor though   I read it somewhere else years ago.

That DOES paint an real picture... .now doesn't it!     That is my favorite comment on the page, too!   

[nowwhatz]

"Arguing or discussing anything with them is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon will knock over all the pieces, crap on the board, and fly away thinking they just won."

Best comment ever! Lol!

Thanks, I didn't come up with the metaphor though   I read it somewhere else years ago.

That DOES paint an real picture... .now doesn't it!     That is my favorite comment on the page, too!   

That is a fantastic quote!

Mine would play the crazy card sometimes when I would attempt to discuss... .claiming she can't remember saying this or doing that because she has a serious mental illness.

License to steal.

[raisins3142]

"Arguing or discussing anything with them is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon will knock over all the pieces, crap on the board, and fly away thinking they just won."

Best comment ever! Lol!

Thanks, I didn't come up with the metaphor though   I read it somewhere else years ago.

That DOES paint an real picture... .now doesn't it!     That is my favorite comment on the page, too!  

That is a fantastic quote!

Mine would play the crazy card sometimes when I would attempt to discuss... .claiming she can't remember saying this or doing that because she has a serious mental illness.

License to steal.

When mine admitted she had lied about her STD status and had been diagnosed with HPV before we met.  She said "I must have really compartmentalized that information".  I later told her "That's a nice word for being such a liar that you even believe your own crap.  When I get testicular cancer from HPV you likely gave me and lose my hair from chemo, I'll send a selfie."  I left for good within a week.

[Loosestrife]

"Arguing or discussing anything with them is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon will knock over all the pieces, crap on the board, and fly away thinking they just won."

Best comment ever! Lol!

Thanks, I didn't come up with the metaphor though   I read it somewhere else years ago.

That DOES paint an real picture... .now doesn't it!     That is my favorite comment on the page, too!  

That is a fantastic quote!

Mine would play the crazy card sometimes when I would attempt to discuss... .claiming she can't remember saying this or doing that because she has a serious mental illness.

License to steal.

When mine admitted she had lied about her STD status and had been diagnosed with HPV before we met.  She said "I must have really compartmentalized that information".  I later told her "That's a nice word for being such a liar that you even believe your own crap.  When I get testicular cancer from HPV you likely gave me and lose my hair from chemo, I'll send a selfie."  I left for good within a week.

Can they genuinely not remember things or is this a pigeon excuse?

[raisins3142]

"Arguing or discussing anything with them is like playing chess with a pigeon.

The pigeon will knock over all the pieces, crap on the board, and fly away thinking they just won."

Best comment ever! Lol!

Thanks, I didn't come up with the metaphor though   I read it somewhere else years ago.

That DOES paint an real picture... .now doesn't it!     That is my favorite comment on the page, too!  

That is a fantastic quote!

Mine would play the crazy card sometimes when I would attempt to discuss... .claiming she can't remember saying this or doing that because she has a serious mental illness.

License to steal.

When mine admitted she had lied about her STD status and had been diagnosed with HPV before we met.  She said "I must have really compartmentalized that information".  I later told her "That's a nice word for being such a liar that you even believe your own crap.  When I get testicular cancer from HPV you likely gave me and lose my hair from chemo, I'll send a selfie."  I left for good within a week.

Can they genuinely not remember things or is this a pigeon excuse?

No clue.  I can't lie to myself at this level whatsoever, and my memory is pretty good.

Repression and compartmentalization is talked about in psych literature so it must be a thing.

However, when it is always related to something that is convenient not to tell your partner about, it is a bit fishy.  Also, I can see repression memories of childhood trauma more than I can repressing news from a gynecologist from a few years back that you don't like and don't want others to know about.

All the compartmentalization of BPDs must be partly self reported, so they can lie about lying.  Perhaps the psych community has been fooled into giving them a nice word to describe what is just huge deceit.

Regardless, the effect for me is the same: if I can not trust someone to report information accurately and give me information that I have a right to know, then I cannot trust them to ever take my interests and feelings into account... .it doesn't matter if they are just a cunning liar or they have a mental issue that causes them to "forget" everything that they don't like.

[raisins3142]

P.S. It seems like more externalizing to me in order to not be responsible for bad behavior.  When my uBPDexgf began to devalue me, she blamed it on stress from a professional test she had to study for and take.  Nothing changed after the test was over and she passed with flying colors.  I catch her in a bunch of lives, well that was because of compartmentalization.

[HostNoMore]

It really is very difficult.  We battle at the beginning to establish it, and you can never let your guard down, ever. 

I just learned recently that mine divorced my replacement to get back with her first husband.  Today, I find out she's one of my newest followers on a social networking site, and this just happened in the last seven days.  I guess I'm just in the Rolodex between cycling between husband #1 and husband #2 if I were ever to be that stupid.

Zero chance of her ever reengaging me successfully, but hopefully she'll just lurk.  She's known to reengage many, many years later though my guards are now fully engaged.