Hello All,

Longtime lurker.  This place has helped me a great deal in preparing me for this moment, but I need help with one last push across the goal line.

I am married to an uBPDw, maybe PMDD. Been together 10yr, married 8.  No kids, living in a house we purchased together with several animals and horses (lots of shared responsibility). Prenup in place.

After years of turmoil, I am ready to leave but am scared to initiate the conversation.  My support system is in place.  Lawyer in place.  She’s in the worst shape that I have seen her.  Recent staged suicide attempt, torched ties with her family (they are toxic), death of a friend, and our longtime marriage counselor leaving me feel on an island and her without a safety plan/support structure.

She has a history of escalation (mainly running) with several suicide threats, and lots of dangerous driving. I think my biggest fears are being able to handle the vitriol and feeling obligation to stay on the property and fears not only for her safety, but for others when she drives.  I have some secondary stress for my work as well - super high stress month (new project at a time when there are significant layoffs).

Would love to get some insight into how you got the courage to “say the thing”

Hope you don't mind but I've relocated this thread to another board. It should receive a better response at " Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting". Here is the link: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358372.0

I have temporarily placed a ">" in the title so that other moderators will know that it has been moved and we don't move it again.

Each of the boards has a unique culture. Descriptions of which members/topics best fit each board are contained in the "DIRECTORY".  Additionally, the charter of each board is contained in the "WHO SHOULD POST ON THIS BOARD?" thread that is pinned at the top of each board.


If you think this move should be reconsidered, please send me a personal message, via "Pvt mail". I'm happy to work with you to get it to the board that makes sense for all.

we have a good workshop here with lots of tips and tricks for dealing with a jealous partner: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=78324.0

i think more specifics will help to understand whats going on in this case.

whats the nature of your friendship with your female friend? how long have you been friends? did the friendship predate your romantic relationship? any romantic history with your friend?

what has your partner indicated the issue with her is, and when/why did it start?

I'm in the process of getting divorced from my ex wBPD after 25 years of marriage and the communication is not going well. We're still living in the same home for a while longer with the kids, but I've basically had to go no contact in person and online. Every time we cross paths it's a new mental/emotional attack, and every day is a fresh email or text attack. I've told her I'm no longer responding to those -- or even reading them at this point -- and that anything important should go through the lawyers. Nevertheless, the attacks keep coming.

I would very much like to go full no contact, but it's impossible because of the children (14 and 9). However, I don't want to keep communicating through texts and emails. So I'm considering a dedicated app for child-related issues. I've seen Our Family Wizard mentioned a few times, and I'm wondering how people find that. Any other recommendations for apps or tips to communicate with a BPD ex?

I also have a therapist now that can help with this but I only start contact with her on Tuesday so she is unavailable to help, so I don't want to make things worse. I don't know whether to ignore her completely or not.

Hello, I decided to register and may start posting here, because I have not found much detail online or in literature or anywhere about how to deal with jealousy.

How do I respond to "go be with her" I get that so much because I happen to have a female friend that she thinks is pretty. And if I want to study with her, talk to her, she says "go talk to your friend" or "go study with your friend". And I could literally be on the verge of death with a cancer diagnoses and she'd tell me to "talk to her about it". These messages are usually via text or call. She will also abruptly randomly hang up and say that. Her extreme obsession with this person is unbearable and she can sense the nervousness as it is a trigger for me because it's gotten us into some bad arguments and I hate hearing that woman's name at least 10 times a week, she picks up on it, making it even worse.

It's good to hear this. I keep questioning and doubting myself and feeling dumb for being vulnerable with him and having hope that things would be better between us, or that he was being honest when he said he'd worked on things or was more open. But I know that at least I showed up with my whole heart and love, I never degraded him or called him names back, I stayed kind and calm, I was willing to work on things, I didn't give up when things got hard, etc. I can always feel good about those things knowing that I was true to myself during all of it.

I feel mostly these sharp pangs of anxiety about the whole breakup and then pain and yearning for the way things were a month ago. Because of how fast things changed it's hard for me to accept the reality that this is who he is. I just can't understand someone being so loving and sweet for months, and then suddenly becoming a totally different person overnight. The logical part of me knows that I have to take people for who they show themselves to be, but my heart feels this draw to him and this sympathy and sadness for him that his disorder gets him into these situations. How do I reconcile knowing there are parts of him that are totally driven by something he can't control? I feel stuck between blaming everything on him, myself, or the disorder.

Update

My wife has gone through a intensive outpatient program for several weeks at a special hospital.  5 days a week 6 hours a day.  They added a mood stabilizer and she made progress.  Next she went to the step down which is 3 days a week, 3 hours a day.  She had 3 weekdays and a weekend between programs.  She stsrted backsliding and being depressed and scared.  I offered support and told her i respected her amd was proud of her.

I have had to take FMLA and take care of my mother post surgery who is 80.  It seems like there is some resentment.  For the past 3 days she will not answer her phone.  I asked what is wrong amd she says she needs time and space so is going to take it while im gone for the next month.  I am not initiating contact, which is hard for me.

She has been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety for about 20 years.  Now they say major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder and complex.post traumatic stress disorder.

I care for her.  I want to support her.  But she has given me no boundaries for said space she wants.

Me, as a typical guy <care taker, fixer> is a little scared bit ok.

Is there any thing i can do to support the woman i love?

Thank you so much for your kind and insightful points Notwendy.

I’m in my thirties and my mother in her mid fifties. She has been living alone for the past 6 years. She has an On again off again relationship with a man idk if she would call him her boyfriend. She Was homeless for a time but i helped her find and get housing multiple times over the years. Helped her find resources like financial aid, social programs and resources for mental health therapy. Last of what I know is that she was still getting therapy but I think only because if she didn’t she wouldn’t get financial assistance and that she has a place to live and is attending religious services trying to better herself.

When I decided to go no contact last year I didn’t tell her I just didn’t it. I was overthinking what to say and thought that it probably doesn’t matter what I say so I just did what was best for me and it has been such an incredible healing. So much progress I’ve made. So when she showed up it just struck me feeling crappy all day Questioning myself old feelings of anxiety anger guilt and shame. Thank you for that point about boundaries being on me. I feel like sending the text would make me feel better because I can know that I clearly let her know my boundaries and how I feel. And that showing up to my house unannounced is not ok. I understand because we live in a small city I will inevitably run into to her but like I mentioned that hasn’t been an issue because up until now she wouldn’t approach me or say anything and I would just carry on about my day but that doesn’t make me feel good it’s awkward uncomfortable and I feel shame and guilt so I’m planning on moving I think it’s the best thing for me. I’m just not sure if I should include in the message I will she her my feelings of love and appreciation that she did the best she could and that I wish her the best in life but for now I need my space and time and I will reach out when and if I’m ever ready.

I think your mother knows to not show up like that. If it were my mother, telling her wouldn't be effective. It would help me to write it down.

I think it would help if you let us know a bit more about your situation- not personal details but approximately how old you are and also your mother. Is she alone or does she live with a partner?

Sometimes going no contact is a necessary situation. However, being in a same area and having extended family can make that challenging as you said- people run into each other and extended family may want contact with both of you. I see you have a sibling who is also not in contact with her?

Boundaries are something we put on ourselves, not someone else. You could ask your mother to respect yours, but in the small area you live in, she could go anywhere so it's possible you will run into her at times. The idea is to come up with some sort of way the two of you- you and your mother- can coexist in the same small area.