Bracing myself...for Mothers' Day

[Huat]

Very early on, our daughter realized she could get the most bang-for-her-buck on holidays.  We held our breath before birthdays, Christmas, etc...all the days that were supposed to be days of celebration  could well turn out to be anything but...sometimes in the blink-of-an-eye.  Oh the stories I could tell.

I've lost track of how many times we have been estranged from our daughter, the lengths of time differing.  Currently we are well into the 2nd year of this episode.

I, her Mom, am her Heroine-Nemesis...my role sometimes changing in that blink-of-an-eye.  Consequently, Mothers Days over the years have been festive...or...non-existent. 

On the other hand, Fathers' Days have (be there contact with her or not)...recognized.  Yep, hurtful and so hard for me not to do my part in putting that wedge into play between him and I.

I know this makes my husband feel badly and he tries his best to downplay what happens...but, dammit, it happens.  In my more lucid moments I know it is not his fault.  Oh, I am a work-in-progress!

In other posts I have well-documented the journey we have shared with our children as one or the other stumbled through life...and each time we tried to be there to help them pick themselves up.

So now Mothers' Day looms and unless that daughter of mine gets hit with remorse and then decides to reach out, it will be a non-starter in her eyes.  That leaves me with the job of making a choice...life is all about choices.   Either I start my slide into self-pity...or...I bask on MY day knowing that I have always tried to be the best Mom I could be...and I was (am!).  I have made my decision!

A very Happy Mothers' Day to all you other battle-scarred Mom's out there.  Onward and upward.  Keep posting!

Huat

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Huat
I am so glad you posted. You are not the only one dreading Mother's Day. I am too. For a lot of reasons not the least of which is my BPD son, the over the top expectations, the romanticized idea of motherhood etc. Maybe we can have our own "mother's day" here where we affirm each other and the love we have for our children even when we aren't loving their behavior.

[mggt]

Haut,  Happy Mother’s Day to you    I have enjoyed reading all of your post over these years I have been on this board. You have immensely helped me with your honesty and heartfelt advice.  Your a great mom. We all are ,  we wouldn’t be on these boards, year after year, month after month and day after day. So here is to us moms.Cheers. I will have a smile on my face on mother’s day for all of you on this board. Hugs

[Seekinghelp25]

Happy Mother's day to all (mothers)

[wendydarling]

Thanks for leading us out Huat   what an amazing bunch of mothers we are   Happy Mother's Day everyone. 

[Swimmy55]

This cheered me up.  Happy Mother's Day to you all, too.

[jeanoc]

Haut,

I dreaded the day also and I knew I wouldn't hear from her and I was right.  What makes things worse is last week she sent a certified letter to my husband and he is suppose to go to the post office to go get it. I know she did this to play her game and mostly to hurt me. She did this so I know it is not for me.  I have a feeling it is a graduation announcement which will hurt me even more. How hurtful that would be to send a certified letter inviting one parent but not the other.  I know she is did it this way to start conflict between us and so far it hasn't happened. My husband says we have to ignore it and not let her get to us.  He has not went to get the letter,...yet.

So Haut, I feel your pain and I think of you often.  I hope your day was great and I believe we have to start doing what is best for us too.

[Huat]

Hello again Jeanoc

Just so happens...something very similar happened with us a few months back.  The place where my husband volunteers on a regular basis, called one day to say our daughter had come by with mail for him...a thick packet which turned out to contain 13 pages of typing. 

He brought it home and the two of us were pretty sure the contents would not be in praise of me.  He wanted to throw it away unopened.   While I knew it would be more comfortable for him to do this, put his head in the sand, it was very important for me not to have that happen.  He has a tendency to downplay her treatment of me.  Well, we read it together and I have to say her words were hurtful for me to hear but I felt so validated and empowered afterwards.

Although you might be right in your thinking that your daughter is sending an invitation to just her father...you might also be wrong (fingers crossed!).  Whichever, and in speaking from my experience, good to face whatever comes out of that envelope together.

Yes thank you, Jeanoc, my Mothers' Day was great.  Hope yours was too.  My husband and my son stepped up to plate nicely.  I didn't hear from my daughter nor my granddaughters...but I had no expectations that something different would happen.  I had started days before "bracing myself"...kept reminding myself that my happiness on that day was going to depend on...me...not my children.  While always nice to hear it from them, I am now confident in knowing that I have been...am!...a good Mom.  That confidence does waiver... now and then... but not like it used to.

Hang in there, Jeanoc!    It will be interesting to get your updates.

Huat

[Swimmy55]

I am guilty of this, so I speak for me as well:  Don't give your power away.  Do not rest your peace of mind on what our  ill kids do/ don't do, etc.    Easier said than done, but  we have to strive for this daily.