What's up with the bargaining ?

[nona]

I left UBPDh  almost 2 years ago.

Extremely LC. As LC as possible, sharing joint custody 7 on 7 off.



I have been praying for the ability to forgive as I had been stuck in the anger for SOO loong.

It seems the anger only hurts me and d10.

I have realized the last few days... .  

I think if I had been in his shoes... .  

disordered, had a groovy family take me in and love me, had a lovely child etc. etc. I would have lied about my issues, my disorder, my porn/ sex addiction too. Because He knew they were potential deal breakers without honesty and treatment.

Realizing I would have lied too, If I were in his shoes:

gives me a new level of compassion for him, and feelings of understanding, and... .  what feels like forgiveness.


Why do I now obsess about telling HIM I suddenly understand.

I forgive him.

I feel like he is innocent as I can sure accept his brain just doesnt link up, and he did the best he could with the brain function he has.

I feel like my heart is open, and full for the first time since the painful abuse and intimacy trauma reared its ugly head 10 years ago.

I am scared of this. I do not understand this part of my process. Am I backsliding?

Is this some dysfunction again in me? or is this real.

This all falls on the heels of reconnecting with lost extended family members who LOVED ME.

I was raised by BUTT CRAZY UBPD mom.

She was so ill that sane family members rescued me as much as possible. Took me away to their homes, loved me up and  validated me.

It was during my 10 year marriage with UBPDH I reconnected with UBPDMOM and lost contact with the healthy ones.

Finding them and RE-Membering those parts of me... .  all the love with functional families I feel like a different person.

now all this compassion for UBPDH is pouring out of me.


My last couple interactions I was able to give eye contact, smile, feel warm, kind and loving. not afraid and triggerd.

I have not even given him eye contact in 2 years.

I couldnt, I was soo hurt.

so Im making the connections with my wounded inner child, but also my loved safe inner child.

Is the bargaining just grief?

not letting go?

or actual healthy growth?

anybody relate or have some wisdom?

This also falls on the heels of my decision to stop fighting him for custody and work with acceptance as I was losing and am broke and he cannot compromise anywhere.

Is this a reaction to that change?


Thanks in advance !

[Maryiscontrary]

Yes, I think you are on to something. You have compassion for what he has lost, and will never have.

Really, think about this. You were one of the good guys. A person on the proverbial life boat who has his back. Same with your family. Look at the bridge he has burnt. The loss, I am sure, is dear.

Think about in your life where you have people who will watch your backside, I bet the numbers are few, because principled people like that are rare. So if one is a fool who has burned that bridge, this is a great, great pity, a great shame.

It is the same with my ex. He lost a good, good friend when he alienated me. Really, it's just swirling the toilet bowl.

[heartandwhole]

Hi nona,

Wow, it seems like your prayers were heard    I think this is great news.  Anger held on to for a long time can have a destructive effect, as you mentioned.  Now you are feeling open-hearted and full of compassion - in my book that is fantastic!

And yes, I can relate.  I am about one year out of my breakup (NC) and I also feel a tenderness and compassion (mixed with sadness, too, sometimes) toward my pwBPD and more importantly toward myself.

This sounds really healthy to me, so congrats! 

[Cumulus]

Hi, what a beautiful place to find yourself Nona. Also about two years out. At first there was pain because he didn't want this heart full of love that I was giving him. As realized that its not that he didn't want it but that he was incapable of taking it, the healing began.

I really struggled with the lies he told, why wasn't he honest, telling me this marriage isn't enough for me, and either getting out himself or telling me what was going on so I could decide to either go or protect myself in the staying. Your post made a lot of sense in answering that question.

[nona]

 re-reading... .  my posts are DISORGANIZED... .  LOL.

refining my question.

Im concerned about the part of me wanting to "tell him" I understand, forgive him, see his innocence, since it's just his brain not working. nothing personal about me.


I am wondering if this is just another "bargaining for control" or some other dysfunctional thinking I am engaging in ?

[Maryiscontrary]

I wouldn't  tell him. He would probably take all wrong and rage.

[Grey Kitty]

Firstly,  for finding forgiveness and compassion. That is for you--not needing to be angry with him means freeing you up from that. The peace you are finding must be wonderful!

Im concerned about the part of me wanting to "tell him" I understand, forgive him, see his innocence, since it's just his brain not working. nothing personal about me.

As for your question... .  I'm assuming that your uBPDh is not recovered from BPD at all... .  

Telling him that you understand and forgive him for all the things he did / lied about / whatever to/with you would probably be horribly invalidating for him; He would most likely hear it as a judgement of all he did wrong, instead of forgiveness for it.

(and more on that topic would be about him and your relationship with him... .  and not belong on this board)

Anyhow... .  I think the change of being able to look him in the eye, smile at him, and feel love and compassion for him is wonderful healing, progress, and growth on your part.

Perhaps you don't need to limit contact with him just to protect yourself as much as you used to?

[P.F.Change]

I agree, it sounds like you are moving towards detachment

Im concerned about the part of me wanting to "tell him" I understand, forgive him, see his innocence, since it's just his brain not working. nothing personal about me.


I am wondering if this is just another "bargaining for control" or some other dysfunctional thinking I am engaging in ?

When you say you want to say these things to him, what are you hoping would happen?

If what you need is a sense of closure or emotional release, you don't have to use him to get that. You might try an exercise where you just *imagine* saying those things, him receiving them the way you would like, and both of you parting peacefully, releasing each other to the care of God or the Universe or whatever.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[heartandwhole]

 Nona,

I wrote a letter to my pwBPD (but only for my eyes), pouring out my feelings.  It ended up being many pages long and it helped me to let go, to say what I've needed to say to him.  Since I seem to be past the anger stage, it has a loving and compassionate tone, but also some fear and sadness in there.

I really think it was helpful for my detachment.  Have you tried something like that?

Telling him to his face might be an option, since you are already in LC (I'm NC), but I would also ask if you are hoping for a particular response from him?  You might not get it, or worse... .  would that set you back?