Things I Don't Miss

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Sometimes I find myself missing the good parts about my BPDexgf.  I get lonely and think of our happy times together. In order to try and counter these thoughts, I am going to make a list of things I don't miss about her.  Please feel free to contribute.

- The shame and apologies to friends and family after she ruined so many social events

- The fights that would go in circles and last all night

- The days when things were going so well and she would fly into a rage over the smallest thing

- The endless assaults of calls and texts when she was angry

- Or on the other hand the silent treatments

- The fear that any word out of my mouth would make her fly into a rage

- Her threats, ultimatums, and abuse

- The vacations, which I looked forward to so much, that she ruined

I watched a movie the other day with a couple married for 20+ years that essentially hated each other.  It made me think what my life would be like being with this individual for decades.  Years and years of calming her down, fearing her reactions, and alienating others.  The highs definitely don't outweigh the lows, but that still doesn't mean I don't become sad thinking about her at times.

[StillRecovering]

Sometimes I find myself missing the good parts about my BPDexgf.  I get lonely and think of our happy times together. In order to try and counter these thoughts, I am going to make a list of things I don't miss about her.  Please feel free to contribute.

- The shame and apologies to friends and family after she ruined so many social events

- The fights that would go in circles and last all night

- The days when things were going so well and she would fly into a rage over the smallest thing

- The endless assaults of calls and texts when she was angry

- Or on the other hand the silent treatments

- The fear that any word out of my mouth would make her fly into a rage

- Her threats, ultimatums, and abuse

- The vacations, which I looked forward to so much, that she ruined

I watched a movie the other day with a couple married for 20+ years that essentially hated each other.  It made me think what my life would be like being with this individual for decades.  Years and years of calming her down, fearing her reactions, and alienating others.  The highs definitely don't outweigh the lows, but that still doesn't mean I don't become sad thinking about her at times.

[Itstopsnow]

I can totally relate! I'm here in a snow storm missing his company when ... He would be the same way.

Circular arguments that never made sense.

The fights that would come out of nowhere when we were having a good day.

His rages

His cheapness

Always in debt and broke

Gambling sprees that he would end up blaming me for

Pull/ push behaviors.

His lies

His manipulations

His negativity that he would say I had

His Peter Pan syndrome

His childish tantrums and immature ways

His inability to look at the big picture

His constant victim mode

His lack of integrity

His cheating and being a phony

There are so many things I despise about him. Yet I still miss him . Maybe I'm just lonely and not ready to date. I feel when I meet a better man and it works this won't affect me anymore like it has so far . I am so mad that I still seem to be missing him after all his abuse.

[Lexisdad]

How familiar!

The accusations of being with other woman constantly

Uncontrollable states of rage

The 90 phone calls to tell me i'm a piece of s--t for leaving when she raged

Sitting watching tv being afraid to speak

The uncontrollable jeoulosy

Being afraid to go to sleep and if she would plunge a knife thru my back

Having every holiday and occasion ruined

Thinking I love the woman i met where did she go

Feeling like my heart is gonna blow up everyday from the stress of this relationship

The lies and stories

Being told i hate you

The constant push/pull

Yes, those are all the things i really miss and still love this woman like no other!

[StillRecovering]

How familiar!

The accusations of being with other woman constantly

Uncontrollable states of rage

The 90 phone calls to tell me i'm a piece of s--t for leaving when she raged

Sitting watching tv being afraid to speak

The uncontrollable jeoulosy

Being afraid to go to sleep and if she would plunge a knife thru my back

Having every holiday and occasion ruined

Thinking I love the woman i met where did she go

Feeling like my heart is gonna blow up everyday from the stress of this relationship

The lies and stories

Being told i hate you

The constant push/pull

Yes, those are all the things i really miss and still love this woman like no other!

It's really incredible how similar everyone's story is.  Your post could have been right out of my life to the letter.

[Lexisdad]

It really is incredible the similarities between every ones story here. No one really knows the extent of damage that has been left by being in a relationship with pwBPD. I think we all realize that each and every one of us has tried so hard to survive these relationships and in the end we are all left in the same position of feeling discarded after what we have endured.

[samanthagrace]

It's only been a few weeks since my ex and I last spoke and I find I'm missing the good times more than anything so this could be helpful.

I won't miss feeling like I'm completely at his mercy when I was at my most confused and desperate, since we could only talk on his terms and when he felt like it.

I won't miss trying to communicate with him about how I feel and no matter how gently I approach it he would automatically shut down and get defensive, and instead of even acknowledging what I had been upset about he would accuse me of starting a fight and asking me "why I always do this", making sure I know he feels that every problem we had was my fault.  It wasn't a problem that he lied to me or hid something from me or bailed on me, it was my fault because I had the nerve to want to talk about it.

I won't miss all the hiding things and lying to me that he did, and getting angry at me and accusing me of being insecure or crazy for calling him out on it when I knew he was hiding things or lying.

I won't miss being with someone who didn't take my thoughts or feelings into consideration, just didn't care about me as a person at all.

I won't miss the anxiety and the confusion I felt constantly when we spent months and months in a weird kind of limbo where one minute he would tell me he loves me and doesn't want me gone but would keep me at a distance and refuse to see me or talk about anything because "I would just start a fight."

I won't miss being yelled and screamed at and being afraid of his anger when we were in an argument because we could never just discuss things without him flipping out.

I REALLY won't miss being ignored or given the silent treatment, which was what he used against me the most often and probably the most damaging of anything else he did to me, Because that's when you really think you might be the crazy one.

[hope2727]

Thank you for this thread. It is really helping me to remember without rose coloured glasses. So here is my list.

- random rages filled with circular logic that last for hours

- lies, lies, lies, lies of omission and more lies both to and about me

- the smear campaign

- triangulation with my own friends let alone his

- broken promise after broken promise

- flirting with other women right in front of me

- cheating with who knows how many women

- the bleeding wound of debt that never ended

- believing everyone else's advice but mine

- resenting me when my advice was correct and his friend's advice was wrong

- the drinking, partying and immature behaviour

- the orbiting harem of women fans waiting for the crumbs of his attention

- his NPD bestie

- his neglect of anything he every owned and most of my things too

- his pouting, sulking, silent treatments

- his calling me needy and depressing (bahahaha his is the neediest and most depressing person I have ever met)

- his loser enabling friends and family, their fiancees of the month, the drugs traded at their christmas dinner, the DUIs, the broke friends  borrowing money, the friends telling him to date me no strings attached after we were engaged

- the blaming me for his unhappiness

- the blaming me for his financial woes

- telling me my family was faking that they were nice people (no I am not kidding)

- the sleep deprivation

- the stalking me on campus and elsewhere

- the text bombing me with hateful letters

- manipulating the counsellor



uggg I could go on but why bother. Its repulsive. If I had known who he was up front I would never have dated him. It is the perfection he presented first that hooked me. Then he chipped it all away one but at a time until the reality was evident. He is a sad, pathetic person not worthy of my energy. He was given every opportunity to get help and work as a team. He made his choices now he can go live with them.

[booklover25]

Wow, samanathagrace, my list is almost identical to yours!

[cootkilla]

Wow, the only way I am getting thru the early stages of my 3rd attempt to divorce my bp wife has been to make mental lists like these, but with all my reading and therapy, now I am stuck on what in the world is wrong with me? With lists similar to these what makes me miss her? Is seems to become which is worse: living miserably with her (accusations of me being lucipher in the flesh) or facing my own demons that landed me holding on for so long to her, which rationally is clearly leading to the death of my ownself

Thoughts?

[ladylee]

Being told you are hated by somebody every day has got to be the worst, who wants to hear that?  There are actually studies that negative words chang the molecular  structure of water, I just not strong enough to hear that constantly. I want to hear I love you, and I want to say I love you all day long. Now I say it to my pets all day, there's a different energetic balance in my home now.

[Lexisdad]

Ladylee,

My ex pwBPD told me " i hate you" so much that i had become accustomed to hearing that. She rarely told me she loves me and i have emails i sent to her dating back to 2011 addressing that and being constantly called a " piece of s--t". There is no doubt the constant verbal abuse has changed me as a person. The fact is that verbal abuse can be worse than physical abuse and we can all attest to that. We were all in abusive relationships with our pwBPD and in reality were battered from the abuse whether we want to admit or not.

[JSF13]

How familiar!

The accusations of being with other woman constantly

Uncontrollable states of rage

The 90 phone calls to tell me i'm a piece of s--t for leaving when she raged

Sitting watching tv being afraid to speak

The uncontrollable jeoulosy

Being afraid to go to sleep and if she would plunge a knife thru my back

Having every holiday and occasion ruined

Thinking I love the woman i met where did she go

Feeling like my heart is gonna blow up everyday from the stress of this relationship

The lies and stories

Being told i hate you

The constant push/pull

Yes, those are all the things i really miss and still love this woman like no other!

Lexisdad I went thru all the same things. To the T. Some of the other things are

Being woken up to be attacked because she would go thru my phone and read my convo's with best friends and family

The physical abuse

Talking and her hearing a completely different thing

Constant manipulated truths and lies

[Crazytoo]

I'm hurting a lot, I hope this helps. I still love her very much and would do anything for her. She's probably gone for good. But I do need to detach from the pain.

I won't miss being verbally abused constantly by the meanest things you could think of.

I won't miss looking like a crazy person in public because I failed one of her "tests".

I won't miss constantly being made jealous by giving so much affection and attention to other guys.

I won't miss talking to myself in the shower crying, trying to make some sense of what the current situation is.

I won't miss staring at my phone, sobbing, shouting at it "i miss you"

I won't miss being called victim, loser, child, cute, puppy, jerk, retard

I won't miss being unable to think of anything else than this pain.

I won't miss the pain.

I won't miss being chased out of a place by a person with whom I had just moments ago built the best trust and friendship ever.

I won't miss having one good week, one bad week, one good week, one bad week... .

I won't miss having to let go the person I have loved the most in my life, on a weekly basis.

I won't miss letting her go and then always getting tiny signals that she might return, or not, or maybe, and that she's undecided and confused, so letting go is never possible at all.

I won't miss having become such a wreck.

I won't miss having become such an emotional wreck that I'm sometimes unable to accept hugs by loved people, because the hug would hurt.

I won't miss lying in my bed, counting from 1 to 100 to 1 to 100 in order to not go insane from the paradox.

I won't miss being put into NC for good in the morning and then at night being recycled, used, and dumped again.

I won't miss being treated like a puppy, that once it is trained enough, is dumped again.

I won't miss being a toy.

I won't miss being tortured with plans of things we will do together and then being dumped again for good.

I won't miss hearing "I need you, I want to see you" one day and then on the next being treated like the devil incarnate.

I won't miss hearing "It's over, for good this, finally, deal with it" for the 10th time, without any clue what is going to happen

[UserName69]

- Her annoying conspiracy theories

- Her annoying voice

- Her smelly feet

- Her alcoholic behavior

- How she used to idolize me, sometimes it was too embarrassing for me

- Her push pull behavior; one moment she wants me while the other moment she ignores me

- Her entire drama act

- Her cutting herself

- Her place which he only cleaned like one in a month

- Her dumping me and posting on Facebook on how I dumped her (while she dumped me)

- Her begging me to take her back after a NC period

- Her lies and manipulative behavior

- Her blackmailing me with suicide (if you leave I'll kill myself, till one day when I had enough of it and told her if you want to do it do it I don't care)

- Her not thrusting me whenever I was with a female friend; the irony is that she only had friends of the other gender and I never was jealous whenever she went to a party with them. You know what they say; a cheater accuses others of being a cheater because he is.

- Her trying to make me jealous by flirting with random strangers on social media (It's just hilarious how a person like that tries to sell itself just to try to hurt you).

- That negative aura she had around her

- That negative energy I used to sense when I was at her place. Whenever you would enter her place you would feel something very strange I still can't figure out what it was.

- I won't miss her as a person because you don't want to befriend a person like that. I really hope she gets a new boyfriend because I know he will dump her within an eye blink and the cycle starts again.

- I won't even miss the sex I had with her.

I have been in NC for 9 months and I'm very glad it's over.

[Lexisdad]

Crazy too,

Yes i'm missing her so much as well. I've never loved any woman as much as i did her. In 6 years never went more than a span of 10 days without her flying into a full blown rage. Would lay in bed awaiting her 615 am phone calls to scream at me over who she beleived i may have had contact with while at work the night before as a police officer. I wont miss being thrown out of her house constantly either. Just this morning she still needs to text me and tell me about her day. Still after 7 weeks and blowing an engagement and backing out of having an ivf procedure to become pregnant the day before. The texts are distant but she still feels the need to contact me everyday. I dont know if she s still in love or just needs to keep the connection.

[Mr. Magnet]

This was my life in a nutshell

I was never able to figure out how to manage her BPD, and in the end she tossed me to the curb like an old mattress

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201308/the-little-kid-inside-the-adult-borderlinenarcissist

[ladylee]

Yes, yes, and yes, to all of you.  I feel all of your pain.  But I need and love all of you for being here to respond to my posts.  What I was forgetting during accepting all of that abuse, was that I was not taking care of myself, and neither was he.  Now that I am so spent, and run ragged, trying to please somebody, who could not be pleased no matter what hoops I jumped through, or present for me, I finally went to the damn doctor to find out why I am so tired.  Well guess what, I am prediabetic.  Nothing to sneeze at.  And while I am sitting here alone in my apartment thinking, WOW, I'm by myself and there is nobody here to help, because he was always the chef, or call the doctor.  I realized, he never did cook healthy things and just shouted at me what to do that was never the correct advice.  He was useless in those areas.  So after I felt sorry for myself, I figured out how to take care of myself, and did it.  We deserve to be told we are loved.  When I analyze our physical relationship, what I thought was enjoyable, really only lasted about six months, after that, it was all about him, and it was not for me, because of his criticisms.  Someone else can service his account now as far as I'm concerned, and probably is, until they fall off the pedestal.  I know how that sounds, and forgive me, but sex is supposed to be an expression of love, not a physical release.

[Mr. Magnet]

Yes, yes, and yes, to all of you.  I feel all of your pain.  But I need and love all of you for being here to respond to my posts.  What I was forgetting during accepting all of that abuse, was that I was not taking care of myself, and neither was he.  Now that I am so spent, and run ragged, trying to please somebody, who could not be pleased no matter what hoops I jumped through, or present for me, I finally went to the damn doctor to find out why I am so tired.  Well guess what, I am prediabetic.  Nothing to sneeze at.  And while I am sitting here alone in my apartment thinking, WOW, I'm by myself and there is nobody here to help, because he was always the chef, or call the doctor.  I realized, he never did cook healthy things and just shouted at me what to do that was never the correct advice.  He was useless in those areas.  So after I felt sorry for myself, I figured out how to take care of myself, and did it.  We deserve to be told we are loved.  When I analyze our physical relationship, what I thought was enjoyable, really only lasted about six months, after that, it was all about him, and it was not for me, because of his criticisms.  Someone else can service his account now as far as I'm concerned, and probably is, until they fall off the pedestal.  I know how that sounds, and forgive me, but sex is supposed to be an expression of love, not a physical release.

agreed.  she complained about how infrequent our sex life was but after a while who wants to have sex with a verbal bully who constantly puts you down over and over again?

[Lexisdad]

How can you have sex when more days are spent in a full blown rage than not. I'm 49 years old she was 36. I have no ed problems and the last 6 weeks of our relationship had sex one time because of 10 full blown rage blowouts that lasted for days. That says enough to me of how toxic these relationships are. And yes my health became affected to because of the constant stress. When you walk around all day waiting for what accusations coming thru next by phone call or text the stress eats away at you. High blood pressure, pre diabetic, constantly mentally exhausted. The things that we have all suffered at the hands of someone we all loved so much says an awful lot about the character of each and every one of us here.

[Mr. Magnet]

I don't miss hearing the word divorce come out of her mouth, which probably happened 500 times over the course of 6 years

it was her go to

[Mr. Magnet]

I also do not miss the weird change in her voice when she went dark.  I know you peeps know what I am talking about.  Monotone, cold, little affect.

Scary stuff

[SSinNYC]

-The hours and hours of physical abuse: punches to my face and body, hair being pulled out of my scalp, choking and metal objects being thrown in my face

-The Breaking into my house drunk to beat me up at 3 am

-Going to work with a black eye and a bruised face many times and having to make up stories to cover up for it

-Tearing my clothes apart and having sentimental jewelry torn out of my neck many times and my belongings being thrown away

-Being blamed for his physical abuse …  “I made him do it “

-The verbal abuse,disrespect, name-calling and belittling

-Acting like I did him wrong for FINALLY standing up to all the verbal and physical abuse and reporting him

-Refusing to take responsibility for his actions.Denial he had done any wrong to me. NO REMORSE.(Even though I must say he did say in April he“felt bad for what he had done to me” but then two months later in June he completely denied any physical abuse and was actually very proud of his actions)

-Telling everyone I was the crazy one in order to justify all his own behavior 

-His alcoholism and drug addiction

-The days and nights,birthdays and outings ruined because of his verbal and physical abuse, alcoholism and lies

-The days and nights ruined that I tried to help with his depression and his hard times which was in return he snapped at me

-His insomnia and not letting me sleep and having to go to work on two hours of sleep

-Being embarrassed in front of my friends for his sloppy drunk behavior

-Being embarrassed by him flirting with other girls in bars and waitresses in front of my friends 

-His controlling and manipulating behavior.

-The Hacking into my private accounts and using information to threaten me

-Sharing my private information with others and using things I told him in private that meant a lot to me as weapons to hurt me 

-Not being able to do anything or go anywhere that he didn’t agree with

-Arguing over anything that went against his opinion.I was terrified to have an opinion or disagree with him

-His promiscuity and immaturity

-His sexual encounters with 16 year olds and interest in Minors which he was so proud of.

-His relationships with “Rub and tug” girls that were “just his friends”

-Being yelled at because I mispronounced a girl’s name he had a one night stand with

-His pot-head,alcoholic ,equally disrespectful and abusive “friends” that supported his abuse and believed his lies.

-His virtual “friends” that he either met on craigslist,coach surfing or as a one nightstands he held on to and meant SO MUCH to him

-The lies about the previous and on-going sexual encounters he had and was having during break-ups

-The Isolation from my family that I only see once a year or once every two years.My visit to see my dad after two years was DESTROYED because of his controlling behavior.A time I could never get back. Next time I will see my dad if lucky is another two years.OBVIOUSLY HE DIDN’T CARE.

-The disrespect and threats to my family who mean the world to me

-His abuse having a huge effect on my job, my relationships with family and friends and my health

-The fear of talking to anyone in public from bartenders,waiters,taxi drivers or anyone on the phone when he was around

-LIVING IN CONSTANT FEAR OF THAT I AM NOT DOING THINGS ACCORDING TO HIS LIKING AND HE WILL GET UPSET AND SNAP AT ME

-The fake public facade he tried so hard to keep up in front of everyone including professionals he was paying for to help with his mental illness

-Being accused have having a mental illness when clearly he is the one with the severe mental disorder and addiction which he denied. Describing him to people and professionals they agree he is a an abusive delusional pathological liar and a SOCIOPATH who has a severe alcohol and drug addiction and blames everyone but himself for his actions.

-Always playing the victim. Everyone in his life had done him wrong by him somehow

-The fact that he believes no one knows right from wrong but him.

-The fact that he believes he is invincible and he is above it all even the law

-MOST IMPORTANTLY I WONT MISS THE DISRESPECT, THE VERBAL AND PHYSICAL ABUSE,AND THE LIES,LIES,LIES, LIES,LIES,LIES,LIES,LIES,LIES,LIES,LIES,LIES,LIES and more LIES.

and the list goes on and on … NOT ONE THING I MISS!

[Hindsight2020]

Everything here seems so familiar. I still miss her from time to time. But I know how bad she was to me.

- She would compalsively pick at my skin and leave scarring

- Staring at my shoes whenever we'd go out in public

-Spending my entire paycheques on her expensive taste with groceries (everything had to be the most expensive brand)

- Having her put her hands over my eyes whenever we'd watch TV and something she didn't agree with came on (including pro activ commercials)

- Losing all my friends and feeling like I was being betrayed because of what she'd say about them

- Putting me in the middle of all her conflicts and placing blame on me

- Writing music and having her question every lyric relating it to herself

- The fights especially after I'd play gigs

- Accusing me of checking out every cashier I'd come across when I was buying her things

- Yelling at me for surprising her with dinner because I went by myself and probably "cheated on her" when I went

- Making lists of "safe" TV shows and movies to watch

- Yelling at me for being a fan of True Blood and Game of Thrones

- Accusing me of only being a wrestling fan because of the Divas

- B___ing out my ex girlfriends online for no apparent reason

- Replacing me 2 days after the breakup and continuing to try to lead me on for over a month while dating said guy

- When she slapped me in the face over and over for disagreeing with her

- Not being aloud to leave her apartment without her

- Continuing to communicate with her ex boyfriends while freaking out at me over mine which I wasn't talking to.

- Locking herself in rooms with a knife when I disagreed with her or threatened to leave

I could go on... .

[Jimmyfran]

Hi guys,

It all sounds so so familiar and frightening  as my BPD is currently lay sleeping in my bed next door and I'm sat dreading her waking up.

I made the fatal mistake of allowing her back into my life several months ago hoping that she had changed and within two months of living with me - she has pushed me to the brink where I even had days when I started to contemplate hurting myself just to be free of her.  i have even started looking at her and thinking to myself she is the devil.


When/if I find the courage to get her out of here I wont miss

- her cutting herself in front of me

- her punching and kicking me

- her punching herself multiple times in her own face with me having to physically restrain her

- her threatening to spit in my face

- her threatening to hang herself and kill herself in my house

- her telling me how she is going to become a prostitute

- her telling me that she has just been out sucking other guys co**s

- her dismissing me as a sexual failure because I cant get hard after she has spent hours shouting at me

- her telling me how she will find another guy to give her oral sex because I'm so bad at it

- her telling me to shut up all the time and that I look better when I dont say anything

- her calling me a child/a loser

- her calling me cheap despite the fact I have spent thousands and thousands flying her around everywhere / putting a roof over her head / providing her with food - heating - water etc.

- her humiliating me in front of my friends/family

- her constantly losing jobs due to her inability to build normal relationships and then blaming me for her financial difficulties

- her creating in me a feeling that I could physically hurt her just to make her stop

- her accusing me of having affairs/cheating on her

- her stalking my friends/ex partner online

- her trying to contact my ex partner to abuse her and make her miserable / threatening to hurt her

- her saying that my dad is a pussy and my mum not pretty

I could go on and on... .

Reading what I have just written makes me realise that my BPD is a disgrace and unsurprisingly she attributes all her behaviour and explosions to me !

Why is it so hard to get out ? i know i have to do for my own sanity and before either myself/her gets seriously hurt