Recently, I have made it out of a really abusive toxic relationship with someone who had borderline personality disorder. Not only did we try to make it work— after the week that he came back after having an extensive episode where he called off our engagement, and  got  engaged to some random Person, had unprotected sex with the said person, And made sure to tell me what was going on whenever We were in contact during his break— he decided he was cured of his ailments by God. After trying to explain to him that therapy was the only way to actually be cured and that I knew it would be a hard process, but that he could do it. He decided that the only way we could be together is if I believed in his fantasy, that he was completely cured. after everything I’ve been through with this guy I’m tired, I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but all he seems to say is that I was toxic and how bad I was in our relationship. I admit, I have a lot of trauma that put me out of control of those situations and caused me to crave control over small things. However, I know this because I have worked on self reflection, and owning up to my actions. I’m in therapy, and refused to stop going because he wants to be together. I finally told him that I was done. I was tired of being blamed for all of the things going wrong in our relationship that I was upset he would say that I was the love of his life, but that it would never work because of me. Borderline personality disorder is debilitating to deal with, and I tell him this all the time, but he never listens. I finally told him F you and left the conversation. This morning however, I got a text from him, showing me a picture of him with a filter showing off his mustache like nothing ever happened. WHY is he still texting me? I told him to leave me alone unless it was about the return of an appliance I left at his place.

Going no contact with our own mother is so painful yet often the only way to protect ourselves. My mother with BPD is deceased and I am no contact or low contact with most of the members of my large extended family of disordered people. I am one of many family scapegoats across several generations.

Having a mother who is unable to love her own child is a life long sorrow. It does not matter if she is dead or alive. The sadness never goes away and needs to be expressed from time to time. I am glad you have reached out to this site though sad for the circumstances that bring you here. There are many members on this site with similar painful relationships with their mother who are either low contact or no contact with her. Post anytime as we are here to listen and support you.

Hi SendingKindness;

Sancho raises a really good point here:


It can be a common misconception that us setting boundaries is to make the other person change.

I'd suggest that boundaries are actually rules for ourselves, to protect ourselves; not rules for other people, to get them to change. That can be a hard thing to wrap our heads around, when BPD is involved -- we really, really, really cannot control how the other person thinks, feels, acts, believes, etc.

It is certainly possible that when we uphold our own boundaries, others may change their behaviors (kind of like if you change your dance steps, your partner may too) -- but it's not a guarantee, and it isn't the purpose of boundaries. It might be a nice outcome, though!

...

I wonder if an alternative way to approach this could be:


Do you really need her to provide more information before you decide to protect yourself and your finances?

What if you were free to taper off funding... no matter what info she did or didn't provide? Your decision to protect yourself doesn't have to be contingent on "if she really needs the money" or not -- it can be based on you and what you need.

That might also get you out of the trap of -- if she comes back with "documentation" of how needy she is, how desperate she is, how "this is the last time she hopes she'll have to ask", "she just needs one more bit of support", etc, then would you feel like you had to? And how often might that repeat?

It wouldn't have to be a judgmental, blame-y, "you had your chance and blew it", "you didn't provide enough documentation", sort of communication. Maybe it could be about you and your needs:

"Hi Honey,

My budget is changing, so I wanted to give you a heads up that I'm able to give you $300 in June, $200 in July, $100 in August, and then I won't be able to provide financial assistance for you after that.

Love you,

Mom"

Curious if any of that sparks some thoughts or ideas?

 * I am not brand new to anything concerning BPD.
Just a newer version of myself after a lot of no contact- here to add to the conversations


versions of a letter

1. Hi mom. I have thought and do think of you often. I do love you and that has not changed…Im not ready to have contact again but it has been on my mind a long time to reach out and say hello.

2. Hello mom.
I love you.
I forgive you.


Down below:  The letter  that I won’t send but what I wish I could communicate.

Hi mom,
Hello MOM!
MOM…yes hello.
I miss you. I love you.
 I often think of a relationship that doesn’t exist between us.
 One where I can be my own person and take care of my needs and you do the same and occasionally we share company. Maybe a lunch, or a holiday that starts and ends well. 
I wish that my marriage was a joy to you and not a source of competition for time and attention .

I often dream of a mom that doesn’t NEED me to SHOW how much I love her but already KNOWS

Lets see, I hurt for the missed experiences we did not share over the years. 


l often think about breaking my consistent NC to tell you I love you. And I just wish you knew it. But I can say it over and over in my head…I even can imagine you handling this  letter well and it bringing you some small joy to hear from me.


But then mom, but then.

The fact is I have reasons for not speaking to you that have not changed. It's not to keep you punished or made to feel ashamed.  It is simply the most straightforward method for me to stay safe.

And I don’t want to add to Pain by saying hello for hellos sake and then not having furthe relationship.

So I find some peace and understanding in  writing this letter I won’t send. I do have my good thoughts, my prayers that I pray for you, and my resolve to just keep things as they are.

Reason being: It will hurt us less.

Im glad you gave birth to me.

_ daughter



The  third version is true and why I never find a reason to send version one or two.


I don’t want to send anything now but I do want to share in case it helps others feel seen.

-lemonademaker

Methuen,
So nice to hear that you and your husband didn't allow the home health care person to get away with mistreating you and you had a productive meeting which may or may not help to get your mother taken care of. Perhaps it is time to focus on your own healing and be resigned to the fact that you have no control over how your mother behaves. Is it possible to become more immune to how your mother mistreats you? I don't know. It seems you are stuck in a battle in which your mother is determined you will take care of her, and you do not feel comfortable leaving town unless home health care is checking in on her, that she is so frail she could have a serious medical emergency at any moment, and it would be too much to ask someone who is not in home health care to check in on her. It seems the challenge is to live for today and not allow your mother to rent space in your head. I don't feel I will ever get over the deep wounds I bear of being made a scapegoat since birth by so many disordered family members yet I know keeping my distance from them helps more than anything. I have my fingers crossed that sooner rather than later you will get the relief you so desire to no longer have to be so directly involved with your mother, and you get to retire.

Hello GratefulDad, glad you felt ready to check back in again  

When it comes to the desire to write a letter/email to the pwBPD in our lives, it can be important to really think through our goals and expectations. Sometimes, what's lying underneath that desire, is a tacit belief that "if I could just hit on the correct wording, my message would finally get through". And it's important to interrogate that belief to see if it's connected to reality.

I hear you that you want to validate her, share your feelings, share what you want out of the relationship, and set boundaries.

I'll comment that even as a "generally normal" person, that would be a lot for me to receive in one letter. And, brief backstory, that's even though I do much better with written relationship communication than spoken (my H and I, neither of whom have BPD, had some significant challenges over the last few years, and used email to work through a lot).

To me, it reads a bit like a Hail Mary -- one last big effort to turn things around. Is that at all close, or am I off base?

I ask because relationship issues like yours (and mine) don't happen overnight. It takes years to kind of drift into the problem zone, and it can take significant time to climb back out (again, even between my H and I, we did not resolve our issue with one email -- it has taken probably a year+ to get back to normal).

Again, if I'm off base, let me know -- I'm thinking that if healing the relationship is your goal, it may be more worth it to make a much longer term plan, versus hanging so much on one big letter.

...

Ideally, what outcome would you want, if you were to give her the letter as described?

Based on your experiences, what outcome(s) might you expect?

Do those overlap?

...

We can walk with you through this -- effective communication with a pwBPD isn't always intuitive.

Hi NorthStarGuide and

You're not alone in coping with a partner with substance use issues plus BPD; that's no walk in the park. It is good to hear that he is trying sobriety?

Just to get a bit more background on your situation, how long have the two of you been together? Do you have any kids? And what catalyzed his decision to stop drinking?

In terms of your question here:


it might depend on what your goals are. If your goal is to protect yourself from hurtful words and actions, then in a sense, no words are required -- you're allowed to have true boundaries and exit the situation.

If he is in a place where he isn't being hurtful, and you want to connect with him, then true emotional validation may be the way to go.

Want to walk us through an example situation, and we can give you some ideas?

...


I'm starting to think that is a key step in choosing to stay in a relationship with a pwBPD -- grieving what you wanted and what could have been, and moving towards acceptance that this person is who he is.

As you process so much, do you have a therapist or counselor for yourself?

Looking forward to hearing more from you;

kells76

Would love to know your go to phrases when your loved one enters their borderline zone.

My spouse stopped drinking alcohol about a year ago and since then it has been very clear that he has the symptoms of BPD. I had attributed his symptoms to drinking but now realize that the drinking was the medication to calm the inner turmoil.

I am grieving what feels like the loss of my marriage, the loss of my person..... I'm thankful to find this community of support because to the outside world, my spouse is "normal", but to those of us who are close to him, we experience the chaos. 

We are getting ready to be in the same town as our son/Dil and grandchildren for 2 weeks for appointments. We have been talking to our son on the phone once a week or every two weeks for the last few months, but haven't been in town. In the past, our daughter in law has invited us over for a meal, and we always go because, well, our son and grandchildren are there. This time, after everything has really escalated and I have blocked all contact with her because of her verbal abuse, I'm thinking we might refuse the invite ( maybe make an excuse)if we get it. In your experience, will that just make her angrier and cause more damage? I realize I am blessed to still be able to speak to my son and I don't want to mess that up. And I also don't want to give her yet another reason to have her pit him and the grandkids against us. I've been reading in these blogs how easily that could happen.

Hey ya'll,

It has been a while since I first and last posted on here. I found a therapist (though he recently retired) that specializes in BPD and have made some progress personally but minimally with my wife as she refuses to go to therapy. Over the last few years, I check in here on the forum to read folks stories, advice, and glimmers of hope but I find it overwhelming and wind up feeling hopeless because of my own personal situation. Apologies for not being a more contributive member of the forum.

Hoping the group can share some advice or past experience with the idea of writing my wife a note to try to validate where they are coming from, clearly express my needs, and ultimately set boundaries.

A little background - my wife and I have been together for 13+ years (11 married) have 2 kids (8 and 5). Looking back, I first noticed something was off when we were dating but didn't realize at the time. When we were planning the wedding, she had her first real BPD episodes and I almost called off the wedding. Her mother actually tried to talk me out of marrying her, knowing her BPD trends and how difficult it can be to live with her. Things were pretty okay before kids with exception of some unexplainable (at least in my eyes) episodes occasionally. Then almost immediately after the birth of our first child, my world got turned upside down. I thought I was losing my mind and questioned reality. It has been downhill since and peace is so rare my anxiety and depression are hard to manage. I cherish the good moments, but it has gotten to the point that I don't trust her when she's "normal" and am waiting for the storm to inevitably come. All things considered, we are blessed with a great life - nice home, neighborhood, community, friends, activities, church, she's a stay at home mom, etc. but she hates me (at least 90% of the time). The constant criticism, put-downs, name-calling, yelling, silent treatments, lack of intimacy, etc. you all know the drill - she's swimming against the current of our relationship and life in general. Through therapy, I'm much less defensive than I used to be and practice validation when I have the energy. I don't want a divorce for sake of not seeing my kids 1/2 the time (at best) and for leaving them with her unattended the other 1/2. I was away last week for work (which she is still holding against me) and my 8 year old, completely unprompted, said "dada, I don't like it when you are away because mom yells more and I don't have you to run to for comfort."

Where we are now - I've become an expert on BPD, read countless books, listened to podcast, read forums, therapy etc. I've also given up alcohol, which was a major crutch to deal with the onslaught of attacks, and have worked on myself a lot. Without her participating in DBT therapy, however, we are not in a good place as a couple. Her sister is trying to help get her into therapy so I'm minimally hopeful. Her rage episodes have become almost constant, she is rarely "normal," and I don't fight back much but have a hard time communicating back in an effective way because I am exhausted. She's become almost impossible to have a conversation with and I am at my wits end.

Please share your advice with my thought here: I'm thinking about writing her a letter for her to read on the plane this weekend (she's going to visit her cousin). My intention in the letter is to provide validation, explain how I feel and my basic needs/expectations in our relationship, and to set boundaries. I'm not going to make an ultimatum but I do want to ask her to make a decision to against me or with me.

What are your thoughts? Has anyone tried a letter to try to get effective communication started when verbal is impossible? Will this totally blow up in my face and give her something else to use against me?

Thanks in advanced!!