Emotional detachment

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's funny how things come to make sence, in the recovery from an NPD/BPD r/s. One day I was reading a post and it was about solutions, how they create a situation and drop the problem solving in your lap. And in my case never compromise or agree with any solution. So I read a response to one of my posts and saw a couple of words I read and heard many times, emotional detachment. Maybe it was the way it was used in the statement but it became so clear to me. The funny turns in the recovery from an NPD/BPD person.

[bus boy]

It's funny how things come to make sence, in the recovery from an NPD/BPD r/s. One day I was reading a post and it was about solutions, how they create a situation and drop the problem solving in your lap. And in my case never compromise or agree with any solution. So I read a response to one of my posts and saw a couple of words I read and heard many times, emotional detachment. Maybe it was the way it was used in the statement but it became so clear to me. The funny turns in the recovery from an NPD/BPD person.

[Moselle]

One day I was reading a post and it was about solutions, how they create a situation and drop the problem solving in your lap. And in my case never compromise or agree with any solution. 

So true. They create a mess and expect someone else to clean it up

[Flutterby32]

My soon to be officially ex spouse is totally like this! She wanted a lifestyle that would require two full time incomes. Yet she also wanted to be able to go to medical school and therefore not be able to contribute a full time income. And my concerns about this were dismissed by her as "poverty consciousness" or "scarcity thinking" or some other bullcrap that she probably got from  the Approved By Oprah New Age bullcrappers she likes to read, and selectively believe in.

And yes, it was always my responsibility to bend over backwards, and do lots of smoke and mirrors to make sure the bills were paid on time. And when they could not be paid on time, it was always my fault somehow. So glad to be ending the relationship with her!

[fromheeltoheal]

So I read a response to one of my posts and saw a couple of words I read and heard many times, emotional detachment. Maybe it was the way it was used in the statement but it became so clear to me. The funny turns in the recovery from an NPD/BPD person.

So what does emotional detachment mean to you now bus boy?

[bus boy]

Hi fromheeltoheal, what I'm taking out of it, is I'm not letting her actions of the past or present affect me anymore like I use to. In the past I would get all messed up inside when she said or did something hurtful or manuplating. I would be mad at my self for letting her do what she does. I've detached from the past. Now in the present I've learned to nip it in the bud. She is trying her best to get me to cut back on my time with s9. I just don't respond to her ignorant texts. I bypass her and go to the source if she says lies about s9. If she says s9 is failing in school, I don't discuss it any further with her until I talk to his teacher. I took control and power away from her and gave it to me. I also hang up if she starts and when the conversation gets off topic but I so rarely give her the opportunity to talk to me anymore. I've also caught on to her manuplating texts to get me to call.

[fromheeltoheal]

I took control and power away from her and gave it to me.

There you go, and good for you!   

Borderlines need to control for their own reasons, that is what it is, and how much it affects us is up to us.  A lot of us gave all our power away, in the name of 'love', and taking it back is huge, and a key to detachment.  Now of course once we've said enough is enough our hearts may protest and we end up with an internal conflict between our heads and our hearts; maybe reconciling that conflict is part of emotional detachment, maybe the biggest part, and really has nothing to do with the borderline?  You sound like you're well on your way with that bus boy, challenging when you have kids and need to stay in contact on some level, and good for you!

[bus boy]

Thank you, I have a big smile on my face. You nailed it. The hardest part for me was detaching my heart from this. Now my heart it totally detached. I feel now in going through the normal phases of recovery or maybe similar to a grieving process. She has a new minion in her life now, she thought it would be the straw that broke the camels back but it was actually the fire under the camels belly that I needed to get me to my feet and moving on

[SamwizeGamgee]

Thank you, I have a big smile on my face. You nailed it. The hardest part for me was detaching my heart from this. Now my heart it totally detached. I feel now in going through the normal phases of recovery or maybe similar to a grieving process. She has a new minion in her life now, she thought it would be the straw that broke the camels back but it was actually the fire under the camels belly that I needed to get me to my feet and moving on

Poor camel
Actually, I am getting something good from your posts.  I have felt the need to be distant (emotionally if not also physically) from my wife.  And as discussed, it seems to bother them if they can't control it.  My wife seems bothered about what doesn't bother me anymore - if that makes sense. 
I was ill prepared for a relationship with a BPD.  I used to trust and care about (all) other people, and I let other people affect me.  Now I am much more selective about who I trust and care about. 

[bus boy]

I'm happy to hear your getting some good out of my posts. That's what this is all about, helping others get through the BPD/NPD r/s nightmare. I've been going to a T for a long time, but it really started coming together for me when I came to these boards and the good people on here knew my pain. Distance, it was hard, I went no contact than I was able, with struggle, to emotionally disconnect. Not easy but well worth it. Anything involving a BPD/NPD r/s that doesn't make sense, makes total sense. As you detach, you will become a worse enemy. My sons mother treats me like an absolute nothing, that's all right now bc I learned to emotionally detach. Not saying I don't have those empty dark moments but they don't last as long. Last night before I put s9 to bed, he called me by his mothers BF's name, did it hurt? Ya, like hell but I learned how to use the tools of recovery. I recognized the pain right away and knew I had to make a decision on how to deal with it, let it hurt until it puts back to where I use to be or let go of it and move on, I chose to move on. I looked at where I am now, where I was, the decision was easy, I it wasn't always an easy decision. We feel, or I did, as a result of the hedious emotional abuse that we deserve to feel horrable about our self and that is where they want to keep us. As for not being prepared for a BPD/NPD r/s, who is? They are like children, we don't get a handbook when they enter our life.

[SamwizeGamgee]

Interestingly, I am watching myself trying to see if I have made too much emotional detachment.  I just want to be away from her, but, I'm entangled because of our kids together. 

[bus boy]

I have a child with me ex wife. I'm much better off mentally since I went little to no contact. The court order says she is suppose to keep me up on things in s9 life, she doesn't.  Only what she bear minimum what seems has to. Her only other contact is to pressure me to cut back on access time or say something ignorant. I just hang up or don't respond to her texts. For me NC worked wonders.