I want to reestablish contact with my family. My BPD w will not go for this.

[Cipher13]

I have a few questions I was hoping I can get some help with regardin pwBPDs.

1. Is it common that they hate people? I don't mean a few poeple I mean the human race aside from a select few in their lives. Is this why we do not have friends?

2. How can I help prevent myself from JADE? What is a better way? Especially via texting as you may know that can be taken to mean what they think not what you intened.

3. How can I bring up topics that I have agreed with my W about for years but have since changed my mind without a blow up? Example: For the last 7 years we have not had contact with my family. I agreed to it to keep her from getting upset and complaining about them. There were a few minor issues but nothing worth cutting off ties for this long. When we were first dating she would only come over if there were alcohol around. Now she won't touch a drop.  There is a long story between my wife and my parents. Heck I havn't seen my brother in over 10 years probably. He doesn't even have anythign to do with this but my w doesn't like his wife. Of whom we have only met 1 time.  Oh I also have a niece and nefew I have never seen.   Please if anyone can help with how to bring this up in a way that can be productive I'd love to discuss this.

Thank you

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[Vindi]

how long have you been married to your wife?

I think its time to set boundaries, but it may be difficult, cuz you did mention

For the last 7 years we have not had contact with my family. I agreed to it to keep her from getting upset and complaining about them. There were a few minor issues but nothing worth cutting off ties for this long.

not sure of what the issues were of you not tt your family for this long, but if you do want them back into your lives you have to let her know this, and decide which is more important.

Mine in a way did the same thing, but never had me stop contact w/the family, we ended up moving 100's of miles away a lil' after a year of knowing eachother, i think he liked us being away from people and society... . that didn't last long, we eventually moved back much closer to family.

Anyways... . you need to let her know how you feel and how important this is, seems like you are missing out on alot of family, brother, neices and nephews... . break the ice with her and set some boundaries on what you want and what you will not accept (not to accept not seeing your family)... . what about her, does she have family?

keep posting, it helps!

[united for now]

It is critical to maintain your support network. In your case, rebuild it.

What fears do you have about telling her?

How do you think she  would respond?

[Mono No Aware]

I too have a BPD wife who hates my family, and for mostly imaginary reasons.

So, 7 years ago (I'm guessing long before you found out what BPD means) she put you in an impossible position and forced you to chose her over your own family. Now, as life moves on and your siblings become parents you realize the terrible long-term costs of that move.

I would definitely re-connect with your family. Break the news to her that you are older and wiser now, and that it is after all YOUR family whom YOU make the decision to see or not. However it's going to have to be a gradual process. Start with casually mentioning that you miss your brother. Who wouldn't miss their brother? Wonder loud if your nephew looks like him. Keep bringing it up, get her used to the idea before you make the plans.

Of course, this will be a stab to her heart. Of course, if you really loved her you would not want to talk to your own family (horrible nasty in-lawses, hisss). Of course, this is obviously grounds for divorce in any state. Then you have to weather the storm.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


So what is it with BPDs and their irrational hatred of our families?

My wife does this thing I do not understand, where she insists that my mother and sister are better than her in every way, that they are putting her down and being mean to her, that they are keeping her down, that I love them more, and that they are plotting against her.

Stop me if any of this sounds familiar.

[allibaba]

3. How can I bring up topics that I have agreed with my W about for years but have since changed my mind without a blow up? Example: For the last 7 years we have not had contact with my family. I agreed to it to keep her from getting upset and complaining about them. There were a few minor issues but nothing worth cutting off ties for this long. When we were first dating she would only come over if there were alcohol around. Now she won't touch a drop.  There is a long story between my wife and my parents. Heck I havn't seen my brother in over 10 years probably. He doesn't even have anythign to do with this but my w doesn't like his wife. Of whom we have only met 1 time.  Oh I also have a niece and nefew I have never seen.   Please if anyone can help with how to bring this up in a way that can be productive I'd love to discuss this.

I think that you stick in the present... . and stick with your feelings

"I know that my family has been out of our lives for years but it is important to me to reconnect with them."  

Maybe even acknowledge that she doesn't like them "I understand that they aren't your favorite people in the world and I respect your desire not to be around them.  It is important to me to have them play some role in my life therefore I am going to call my [brother, parents etc]."

Whether she understands it or not... . it is your right to have a relationship with your family.  You have to respect her feelings if she doesn't want to be a part of it.  

Its likely that she will have a blow-up over it, but its important that you do this for yourself in order to have a fulfilling life. 

Good luck

[briefcase]

This is not an impossible task.  But its also not going to be easy.  You never know, but I don't think you are going to be able to ease her into this or get her to like the idea.  There will be some blow ups, threats, etc.  You need to detach yourself a bit from her emotions.  Let her be angry.  Let her be frightened.  It's not your job to manage her feelings.  They are hers to deal with on her own terms.  Once you realize what is yours and what is hers, her strong emotional reactions will have much less effect on you.  So, read about and work on "seperation of stuff" and emotional enmeshment.  Once you break the hold her emotions have on you, then you will feel a lot more at ease reclaiming all parts of your life - including reconnecting with your family.

This is one of those areas where you move boldly, with the certainty that you are making the right choice for yourself to re-connect with your family.  She will react poorly, and you need to be ok with that.  You can validate her emotions, but don't agree with what she says is causing those emotions. 

Stay focused and stay firm.  You are doing the right thing. 

[allibaba]

Great post Briefcase!

I especially like these points:

Once you realize what is yours and what is hers, her strong emotional reactions will have much less effect on you. 

Once you break the hold her emotions have on you, then you will feel a lot more at ease reclaiming all parts of your life - including reconnecting with your family.

This is one of those areas where you move boldly, with the certainty that you are making the right choice for yourself to re-connect with your family.  She will react poorly, and you need to be ok with that.  You can validate her emotions, but don't agree with what she says is causing those emotions. 

Stay focused and stay firm.  You are doing the right thing. 

[Mono No Aware]

(subscribed now that I changed my email to a secure one)

[Cipher13]

Thank you for all the positive reinforcement.

This is about the scarriest thing I have contiplated. Now I've been married almost 12 years. We have had blow ups and they are always my fault. Now to a degree of reality they probably have been. But some of them were not and some that were did not need the degree of tongue thrashing it desereved.

To give you a breif  insite to the situtation, Several years ago my wife and I were struggling to make ends meet and find that decent job out of college that started to actual pay enough to make some sort of living. I recieved a birthday present from my parents. Being nearly broke my wife told me to get them to take it back and see if they woul djust give money instead.  My dad not understanding my sistuation and my actions not being what I was like inthe past questioned me. Asked me if I needed it for drugs. Said I wan't acting like myself. I was upset at the comment. I told my wife and the was the straw they broke the camels back. She was done with them. My Dad has since apologized to me.   

My wife does this thing I do not understand, where she insists that my mother and sister are better than her in every way, that they are putting her down and being mean to her, that they are keeping her down, that I love them more, and that they are plotting against her.

Stop me if any of this sounds familiar.

Yes stop... . nearly word for word... .


Breifcase thanks. However this probably the most dificult thing I have ever tried. I know it ont go well. She fears they wil abduct me or I will stay there with my parents if I ever go to visit. Thats always been the fear after we stopped seeing them. I have tried to bring it up in the form of a thought or dream to test the waters. I don't get any thing back to guage.  We spend a lot of time with her parents. Not a lot with her Sister and her kids sso much as she doesn liek her sisters husband. If I go throughthis it will be the betrayal of epic scale that she has been fearing for a very long time.  For crying out loud I have to give an updated report just when I leave the room if and when I will be back to get a glass of water. I ha've tried to ask her whats thats abpout but its either she is "joking" or "I'm being mean" for asking.

My problem is that I am  an avoider of conflict both large and small. Have always been and she knows it and uses that like some type of professional.

Again thanks for all of your support it does make a difference.

[allibaba]

This is about the scarriest thing I have contiplated.

We are all behind you my friend.  My husband always says that courage isn't feeling fear... . its feeling fear and doing what you have to do anyway.

To give you a brief  insight into the situation, Several years ago my wife and I were struggling to make ends meet and find that decent job out of college that started to actual pay enough to make some sort of living. I received a birthday present from my parents. Being nearly broke my wife told me to get them to take it back and see if they would just give money instead.  My dad not understanding my situation and my actions not being what I was like in the past questioned me. Asked me if I needed it for drugs. Said I wan't acting like myself. I was upset at the comment. I told my wife and the was the straw they broke the camels back. She was done with them. My Dad has since apologized to me.  

This seems like a totally innocent situation.  You are lucky to have a caring and understanding family.  They will make a good support network for you when you get them back in your life!  Your wife is very insecure (like all our BPDs!).

Breifcase thanks. However this probably the most dificult thing I have ever tried. I know it ont go well. She fears they wil abduct me or I will stay there with my parents if I ever go to visit. Thats always been the fear after we stopped seeing them. I have tried to bring it up in the form of a thought or dream to test the waters. I don't get any thing back to guage.  

You have stated that it is important for you to have your family back in your life.  That is your boundary... . it will be important to let your wife know how important she is to you throughout this process.

If I go through this it will be the betrayal of epic scale that she has been fearing for a very long time.  For crying out loud I have to give an updated report just when I leave the room if and when I will be back to get a glass of water. I ha've tried to ask her whats thats abpout but its either she is "joking" or "I'm being mean" for asking.

I think that it will be very important to make darn sure that you let your wife know that you love her through this process.  She is going to be very fragile and afraid.

My problem is that I am  an avoider of conflict both large and small. Have always been and she knows it and uses that like some type of professional.

Don't worry.  You are not alone on these boards.  We have all let our lives get out of control because we were trying to avoid conflict.  

Best of luck my friend!  

[Wrongturn1]

My wife does this thing I do not understand, where she insists that my mother and sister are better than her in every way, that they are putting her down and being mean to her, that they are keeping her down, that I love them more, and that they are plotting against her.

Stop me if any of this sounds familiar.

YES, very familiar.  My uBPDw often finds ways to interpret that my mom and my sister are judging her, talking about her behind her back, etc.  Btw my sister is a psychiatrist (M.D.) who says she deals most commonly with patients who are bipolar or BPD.  I don't think she has caught onto my wife's disorder yet since she puts her sanest foot forward with "outsiders".

[united for now]

Have you considered getting the support of a counselor as you work through how to approach this?

[Cipher13]

I am talking to a counselor. He has also suggested my W might be BPD just on things I have told him. He is a Psy.D  I have only been there 2 times but this topic came up at the end of the last session. I am using any and all resources I can find.

On another topic. My work is sending me out of town for some training. This isn't a typical seminar kind of training so no free time. Of course my W wants to go. I do not have an issue at all. I told her keep in mind that I will be working 10 plus hours a day though.  I don't know how this will end up. If she will go and be bored and let me never hear the end of it or she will stay home and acuuse me of everything imaginable and never let me hear the end of that. I suggested she see if she might want ot bring our niece of nefew so that maybe they could do something together while I'm gone.   I think this might something that would be better if she stayed home but I don't want to deal with the flak either way. 

[allibaba]

This isn't a typical seminar kind of training so no free time. Of course my W wants to go. I do not have an issue at all. I told her keep in mind that I will be working 10 plus hours a day though.  I don't know how this will end up. If she will go and be bored and let me never hear the end of it or she will stay home and acuuse me of everything imaginable and never let me hear the end of that. I suggested she see if she might want ot bring our niece of nefew so that maybe they could do something together while I'm gone.   I think this might something that would be better if she stayed home but I don't want to deal with the flak either way.  

Ok.  So you are not responsible for how your wife enjoys the trip if she goes... . nor are you responsible for how she fairs if she stays.  You give her the facts and let her be responsible for her happiness!  Unfortunately the reality is that either way you'll deal with the "flak" so I recommend developing some coping tools to make it have less of an impact on you