About to scream-control monster just reared it's head again

[byasliver]

My husband has been making GREAT progress recently and I was really starting to hope for a future! Then tonight my daughter wanted to go to our community pool with her friend so I asked my H for the pool pass. Very sternly he says, "NO! She'll lose it!" No trying to talk nicely about it or anything. AAAARRRGH! It is taking every single ounce of strength and patience I have not to tell him off right now. It doesn't help that this comes after SEVERAL incidents of his own forgetfulness and irresponsibility this past week. Now, I'm going to have to go spend $50 tomorrow to get a second pool pass or the kids will never get to go because he won't let any of us have it! We are supposed to go out to breakfast tomorrow morning but I know I can't go now. I do NOT want to try to "play nice" so soon. I should let him know tonight I don't want to go tomorrow but I just can't bring myself to tell him in a nice way. I've just retreated to my little attic space and I'm trying to take some deep calming breaths.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

You know if you go tit for tat on this its going to escalate To a level thats not worth it.

Time out is best.

Have you asked him to $$ towards pass for them?

[byasliver]

I read a bunch of posts last night just trying to keep from reacting so I didn't go "tit for tat". Two things that really hit me hard were (1) that I can control my own actions and think through things instead of just reacting, and (2) he does know right from wrong and I need to start holding him accountable for his choices (that affect me, our kids and our r/s). He is doing the bare minimum in our r/s and I've let him get away with that for far too long.

As for asking for $, he wouldn't give it. I know that but actually that seems irrelevant right now. The pool pass incident was just the straw that broke the camel's back. It made me face up to the big picture of his behavior lately. On the surface, he has portrayed himself as working so hard on himself and our r/s but below the surface he was actually backsliding big time. The fact that he was yet again making poor choices behind my back but trying to cover them up with extra nice behavior shows he has healed enough to recognize his shortcomings... . but, yet, still chooses not to correct them. It's time for me to enforce some new boundaries. Basically, I have realized that I have been treating our issues as a partnership with both of us working to resolve things. He gave the impression he felt the same but in reality he was only doing the bare minimum while I was busting my *ss. And that goes for other aspects of his life as well - such as finding a job. I used his mental health issues as an excuse for him and in many ways, so has he. I see very clearly now that at least on some level, he is fully aware of that imbalance and perfectly happy with it. That says to me that he is not as mentally ill as I've let myself believe. I am enabling him by continuing to let the work load be 90% me and 10% him. I no longer fear losing him if my boundaries push him away - in fact, I would welcome it to feel more at peace. I still hope he will "come around" and we can eventually have a better marriage again but I fully realize that I have the power to make my life better than it is right now - with or without him. I am no longer accepting that he is "sick" and unable to be completely responsible for his behavior. Radical acceptance has it's place and it's merits but there is a fine line between that and enabling. I thought I was radically accepting him but in truth I've just been enabling his behaviors. No more. I even recognize that I buy into his behaviors too much to attempt to discuss this with him alone. I have pushed for months to have marriage counseling or at least a therapeutic mediator to help us talk out some of our issues. He claimed to be working on that but I believe now that he was actually putting it off with one excuse after another. I'm going to call the office where I go for therapy and get us an appointment. This is it: my line in the sand. We'll see where it goes from here.

[waverider]

Its good you didn't just react instinctively, that would have just given him an out to project it back onto you. This shows you are learning the tools better. Thinking objectively rather than reactively. It allows you to stick to the real issue rather than get sidelined with symptomatic issues.

The question about asking about the $ was more about prompting him to be proactive in coming up with a work through, wearing the consequences if you like. Rather than just being able to say no, period. Facing up to the consequences which you are pointing out as the bigger issue here.

I totally get where you at, I am in a similar boat, turning good theory from words into practice is hard. As we know you cant make them follow through with any actions.

A term I recently came up for this is blowing "sugar coated bubbles'. Sweet and sickly on the outside but completely empty on the inside.

There is a danger here you go into a second stage of resentment, whereby you feel as though you've made progress, only to find that underneath not a lot has changed. Almost like you have been sold a new facade.

This is were I think it is important to be in that unenmeshed zone so you can clearly see the core issues from all the smoke and mirrors that surround everything. Centering and balance is important.

Radical Acceptance is a harder thing to apply healthily than you may think as you point out, if inappropriately applied you can in effect enable the disability. It does not mean they are excused from responsibility and can treat you like a doormat. Its simply there to stop you trying to make that duck bark (UFN's fav analogy)

[Grey Kitty]

basliver, you are on the right track, and got some good advice... . meanwhile, laugh break: The fear of losing the pool pass reminds me of an old Dilbert cartoon:

Dilbert: Can I have a pen?

Boss's secretary: No. There is only one left in the supply cabinet, and if I let you have it I'll have to order more.

[byasliver]

waverider, I think what I've realized is that he doesn't want me to Radically Accept him: he wants the enabling. When we've discussed issues he only agreed to things that still gave him the freedom to be irresponsible and unaccountable. I thought we were compromising but in truth I was just giving in. I see that clearly now.

GreyKitty, that made me laugh out loud because that is exactly his reaction and why I know he wouldn't give me the $ to get another pass.

I clearly stated my feelings about his distrust and disrespecting me (calmly and factually) and, boy, is he ever raging now. I mean, totally out of sorts only maintaining the barest amount of self control. I just said, "I will not sit here if you are going to yell and cuss at me." and I walked away. He continued to yell and cuss and is threatening to leave me broke and take our son. I'm not taking it. Just waiting to see what he actually does. Legally, I can't do anything until he acts but I've been here before so I no longer feel "stuck." He's going to do whatever he'll do. I can only look after myself and my children. Financially, everything is in both our names and he can't do anything about that - not even actually leave me broke. DSS already has reports on him possibly abusing our son and there are dozens of people who would speak for my being a more fit parent right now. His threats no longer scare me. What scares me is living the rest of my life the way it is now. If he won't change that, I will... . and I am.

[Grey Kitty]

waverider, I think what I've realized is that he doesn't want me to Radically Accept him: he wants the enabling.

I'm sure you are right--he wants the enabling. He's used to it, and it is easy for him. Anything else is more work for him.

His threats no longer scare me. What scares me is living the rest of my life the way it is now. If he won't change that, I will... . and I am.

I remember when I found that sort of resolve. Mmy clarity that I was going to walk away from a bunch of CRAP, but really wanted to stay with my wife made a huge difference.

My wife rose to the occasion. I hope you get the same results 

GK

[byasliver]

GreyKitty, I pray with all my heart that my husband finally comes around but I'm no longer making decisions based on how I hope he will react. I simply have to do what is best for myself and my kids. I've hoped for so long and been so disappointed. Now, I'm just trying to get through each moment as it comes. There's no strength left for pinning any hope on him - have to find my own happiness.

[waverider]

I know with my partner once she came to acceptance of having BPD she started to use its as justification for doing whatever she wanted, a legitimate pass if you like. Open discussions about it almost seemed like she was trying to pick over for more useful excuses. Took a while to reverse that.

A life time of neediness and sense of entitlement is hard to turn around though.

It is easier once YOU know what YOUR bottom line is and it is not dependent on anyone else changing.

[byasliver]

It is easier once YOU know what YOUR bottom line is and it is not dependent on anyone else changing.

You know, that's exactly how I've felt today. No, facing the possibility of him actually leaving me for good isn't easy but it sure is easier than continuing on as things are. Accepting my own responsibilities, limits and the power that I do have is incredibly freeing. I see very clearly now the role I've played in getting us to where we are and I realize THAT is the only thing I have the power to change. I no longer care if he wants to leave and blame me for everything - I don't care about any threats he makes - I don't care what insults he wants to throw at me - I know the truth and that I will be okay because I have the power to make that so. I am no longer working towards and hoping for a better marriage. Instead, I am working towards making better choices for myself and confident that life WILL get better in the end because of that. I do hope he will decide to do the work on his own self but I will no longer hold myself responsible for trying to make that happen.

[waverider]

 

good positive thinking, now concentrate on consolidating that thought process in your own mind... . and keep up the deep calming breaths when necessary to keep you on track

Good luck

[Grey Kitty]

   (waverider already gave you one; I'm just adding to it, not trying to one-up him )

[byasliver]

Just wanted to give an update. After his rage yesterday, he did nothing but play his video game for hours as usual. I went about my day doing things I wanted to do. Slept last night better than I have in weeks and woke this morning feeling absolutely AMAZING! If you've ever had vision problems, it's like living with the blurry sight for months then finally getting corrective lenses and suddenly YOU CAN SEE! So much clarity now - and peace! I have no idea what he will end up deciding to do. I really do hope this is a turning point for him but that is totally out of my hands and off my shoulders. I AM FREE! With or without him, I am finally free!

I can see that I fought getting to this point because I feared it would mean I'd stopped loving him or caring about him or our r/s but actually the opposite is true. I feel the love I had for him more now and dare to hope more - but without that awful burden of feeling like I am so responsible for him. And without the horrible fear of losing him. I know that I will be okay no matter what now because I have the power to ensure that! I can embrace the knowledge that I do want this r/s to work but insist that certain boundaries are respected without feeling guilty or afraid. I am not undecided or lost or confused. I know what I want, what I deserve and what I will and will not tolerate. My decisions are made - have been made for quite awhile, I just didn't have the guts to accept that and enforce it. I am not responsible for his indecision and confusion.

Now, I just have to temper my newfound joy some so that I don't get too relaxed and optimistic and miss those subtle ways I fall back into enabling him. But you know what, even if I do falter, that's okay because I'm human.   

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Grey Kitty and waverider for all your wonderful support, advice and encouragement! 

[allibaba]

I can see that I fought getting to this point because I feared it would mean I'd stopped loving him or caring about him or our r/s but actually the opposite is true. I feel the love I had for him more now and dare to hope more - but without that awful burden of feeling like I am so responsible for him. And without the horrible fear of losing him. I know that I will be okay no matter what now because I have the power to ensure that! I can embrace the knowledge that I do want this r/s to work but insist that certain boundaries are respected without feeling guilty or afraid. I am not undecided or lost or confused. I know what I want, what I deserve and what I will and will not tolerate. My decisions are made - have been made for quite awhile, I just didn't have the guts to accept that and enforce it. I am not responsible for his indecision and confusion.

I just wanted to say    This is true freedom!   

[byasliver]

WOOHOO! Spent a wonderful afternoon at the pool with my kids. While I had the pool pass, I put it on a lanyard with our house key to make it easier to keep up with. When I took it to my husband, I started to hang it on a mirror in our bedroom and started to say it would be easier for both of us that way. I didn't even finish before he said, "Just keep it." Hooray for boundaries! 

[waverider]

Boundaries if you can stick to them are an amazing tool, it is like passing through a deadly storm then suddenly you come through, the son comes out, all is calm, and you think... . huh! how was that possible did someone flick a switch.

You just need to believe in yourself in the face of enormous doubts. Its such a feeling of empowerment when it pays off

[allibaba]

Boundaries if you can stick to them are an amazing tool, it is like passing through a deadly storm then suddenly you come through, the son comes out, all is calm, and you think... . huh! how was that possible did someone flick a switch.

You just need to believe in yourself in the face of enormous doubts. Its such a feeling of empowerment when it pays off

Congratulations to you on your excellent work there byasilver!  You're using the tools and working hard to improve your life.  Thanks for this message waverider.  As you know I am in the middle of a storm and enormous doubt has flickered through my head a few times.  What I keep reminding myself is that my husband went into the same (and normally worse of a funk) when I didn't use boundaries.

There's no turning back now!

[byasliver]

You just need to believe in yourself in the face of enormous doubts. Its such a feeling of empowerment when it pays off

For me right now, the "storm" was my own indecision, doubt and fear. But all of that is gone. Even my T was trying to get me to see that I only needed to trust myself and take back my own power. Before, I was questioning nearly everything I did: "Is this going to set him off?" But now, I realize he is going to do whatever he chooses, react however he chooses. I can only control myself and if I feel something I want to say/do is right, then I have every right to say/do it. I'm no longer living my life in the shadow of his mental illness.

alibaba, I think of you often and try to keep up with your situation through your posts. You've been on my mind and in my thoughts a lot lately. Praying for continued healing for you! 

[allibaba]

For me right now, the "storm" was my own indecision, doubt and fear. But all of that is gone. Even my T was trying to get me to see that I only needed to trust myself and take back my own power. Before, I was questioning nearly everything I did: "Is this going to set him off?" But now, I realize he is going to do whatever he chooses, react however he chooses. I can only control myself and if I feel something I want to say/do is right, then I have every right to say/do it. I'm no longer living my life in the shadow of his mental illness.

alibaba, I think of you often and try to keep up with your situation through your posts. You've been on my mind and in my thoughts a lot lately. Praying for continued healing for you! 

I can so relate.  This is day 3 and as my normal friend says "mr groucho is still groucho."  He responded to one of my kind messages yesterday with "f u."  Anyway like you I am learning to trust myself and do what is right because it is right.  Thank you for the prayers of continued healing!  You are, in fact, in mine as well   I particularly like your comment that you are no longer living in the shadow of his mental illness!          

[waverider]

I particularly like your comment that you are no longer living in the shadow of his mental illness

You can live next to it but not under it

[allibaba]

I particularly like your comment that you are no longer living in the shadow of his mental illness

You can live next to it but not under it

We need an icon for LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.  I am sitting in my office dying with laughter!