Does your SO pull their own weight

[Cloudy Days]

I see a lot of posts about spouses not pulling their fair share of work. I am curious just how many don't work a job. And also how many of those that don't do much work at home either. What is their excuse?

My husband is attempting to get disability for his mental problems. He used to do nothing around the house and I mean nothing, this was before therapy though. Now he actually does the laundry and will clean up occasionally, he also takes the trash out and does lawn stuff. However, this is not a lot considering I work, cook, and clean most everything else. I'm happy he is doing more, however my husband always says he doesn't feel good so that's why he doesn't do much. I see a lot of posts that mention similar circumstances.

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[allibaba]

I'm not sure why I am responding since you already know this, but... .

My husband doesn't do as much work as I do around the house, but he's working full-time again and he's pulling a significant amount of the wight at home (he's been doing dishes, lawn, gardening, laundry and some cooking).

Before I started enforcing boundaries he spent a lot of time on the couch... . now if he's really not feeling good I don't put pressure on him but if he's just tired I lovingly encourage him to help anyway!

I work full time and have primary responsibility for the house, cooking etc... . but one of the boundaries I started with recently is that we have a housekeeper once every other week.  He hates it, but I pay for it and he agreed to it... . and its important to me!

[Mono No Aware]

It comes and goes with the mood swings.

My uBPDw does not deal well with work environments. Over time her coworkers all morph into a cabal of oblique insults and she leaves the job.

At home, she does keep up the laundry but 90% of the dishes and cleaning is mine.

Lately the unbalance has been acceptable (she's breastfeeding our new baby) but sometimes it is hard.

[delusionalxox]

I think the sense of entitlement and/or self-pity means they can feel exempted from a lot of the duties of normal human beings!

Plus when entangled with you they start to feel entitled to more and more from you as proof of love or as a reason to get angry with you ('stop hassling me' etc)

my BPD/NPD ex used to leave mess everywhere, constantly rolling joints or cigarettes so every surface and the floor would be covered in tobacco. Would cook (for me too, if he was cooking) but never ever clean up. Dishes would be piled up and left for the fairies.

he had been used to being looked after heavily by parents and older sister in Italy- treated as a teenage boy at 35, which is how he behaved with me. When I asked for  more domestic input the reaction was nuclear rage, defensiveness etc, he did more for me than he ever did for anyone etc etc. This may have been true cos he never did anything for anyone before? don't know.

For anything he actually did, he would expect an accolade and endless gratitude. It really was a nightmare living with him, far more work than my2 sons 6 and 9 who genuinely try to help even if they do make mess!

[delusionalxox]

oh and in work terms he was an 'artist'/student so work was few and far between. Expected me to sub him until the 'perfect' job came up. Refused to take p/t teaching work which is what academics in UK have to do. His unpaid work was too 'important'. Now I hear he is going to take off to Asia to get a job adn probably expects just to walk into one.

His work record seems patchy, I don't know much about it. Colleagues who worked with him in teaching at his institution say that he was incredibly chaotic (yep!) but 'good with the students'- the NPD/BPD charm and Peter Pan thing working for him there.

[bruceli]

That depends on who you ask... . She works full time and on most days overtime so to her this means that all other chores, housework, child rearing should be left up to me.  She is high functioning at work but unfortunately the cost of this, keeping her mask on for 8 to 10 hours, leaves her completly drained from doing anything else.  She constantly complains about not having enough time to herself and to do what she needs to do.  However, the 3 hours a night she spends drinking probably is the reason for that.  Multi-tasking seems to be an issue.  Other pwPD's that I have encountered could both drink and get things done so this seems to be specific to her.

[Cloudy Days]

Multi-tasking seems to be an issue.  Other pwPD's that I have encountered could both drink and get things done so this seems to be specific to her.

Well my husband no longer drinks, Thankfully! But when he did drink, he was basically a worthless human being around the house. I don't know how anyone could live with a BPD drinker because I couldn't!

[Bloomer]

He is a musician/audio engineer. He has worked the past couple of Olympics, which is exciting but they only happen every year and a half, really. He was legitimately not working when he moved to the US because he didn't have a work visa. Instead, he worked on his music. He recorded 2 albums in about a year but his computer is being repaired so he can't work on finalizing the albums right now.

He started job searching a few weeks ago and was offered a job but turned it down because they had a clause in the contract about not working for a competitor within 300 miles of the position with their company within a 12 month period. So he turned it down. I understand that this restriction could really screw him over but have a hard time believing anything he says, really. Also, this job is only for 6 months so I kind of feel like he should expand his search and be open to doing things that might not be his dream job.

I was really looking forward to him not just surfing the web 8 hours a day and then being irritated if I ask him to do anything. He does help with chores but if I were the one at home while he worked... . things would be different. He expects me to view his time at home as just that, "his time". He seems to think my time at work is "my time".  I just want him to have other things to do and it would take a lot of financial stress off my back if we had two incomes.

[Foreverhopefull]

My husband has been on disability for the last 2 years (it took them 16 months to agree with us, but... . ), he still does the laundry and the yard work (as he did previously) but nothing else.

He used to do allot at home, like helping out with the cleaning and stuff like that. He doesn't anymore. He told me he was tired of being the "maid" . I tried to explain to him that I'm not thinking that he should do the cleaning of the house because he is not working and I do, but that when he does/if he does then I have more time to spend with him, instead of being busy again. (since that is his number one complaint)

[VeryFree]

My husband has been on disability for the last 2 years (it took them 16 months to agree with us, but... . ), he still does the laundry and the yard work (as he did previously) but nothing else.

He used to do allot at home, like helping out with the cleaning and stuff like that. He doesn't anymore. He told me he was tired of being the "maid" . I tried to explain to him that I'm not thinking that he should do the cleaning of the house because he is not working and I do, but that when he does/if he does then I have more time to spend with him, instead of being busy again. (since that is his number one complaint)

My story... .

My stbxw didn't work (disability) for eight years. She would do most of the housework. That started to change the last year before our separation. She started demanding that I took over at least 50% of the work. I agreed I could do more (she wouldn't let me before), but stated that >50% isn't possible because of my more than fulltime-job.

She then stopped doing her part, so I had to do it.

[daylily]

My uBPDh does not work out of the house.  I am the primary breadwinner, though he brings in some money here and there.  He watches S5 (when he's not in preschool) and D2, but only while I am at work.  My job is very stressful.  The second I walk in the door, I'm on "mommy duty" and it doesn't let up until I leave for work again, whether it's the next day or after the weekend.  I also do most if not all of the cleaning and laundry and a lot of the grocery/other shopping.  I do all of the bill-paying, scheduling, researching, taking the kids to appointments, getting the kids ready in the morning/night, baths, teeth brushing, etc.  I feel burnt out and tired all of the time.  He does too, and says that watching the kids while I'm at work is exhausting, so he can't really do much else.  He does take out the trash and feed/clean up after the dogs.  He also cooks about once a week (I'm a lousy cook and I think he's mostly cooking so that he can enjoy the food he cooks).

Although he has admitted that I do more than he does, he feels like we are essentially equal in our contributions because he says it's harder to watch the kids during the day without relief.  He also says that men aren't "wired" to do this, so it's harder for him to do it than me. (I refrain from any comments that perhaps women, then, aren't "wired" to bring home the bacon... . )  I acknowledge that it's hard not to have a break, but at the end of the day and on weekends, he's off duty, so he just needs to get through the day to have a rest.  I don't get a rest.  After a stressful day at work, I have no rest or "me" time, I just come home to a messy house and try to get it cleaned up while wrangling the kids.

I agree that watching the kids is exhausting.  And it's hard when no one is there to "relieve" you for a few minutes during the day.  But I still don't think he pulls his own weight because he has so much free time to relax, whereas I have none.  When I come home from work and on the weekends, he can essentially do whatever he wants.  Right now he's taking a class and has to study a lot, so that's consuming much of his free time, and hopefully that will pay off with some career advancement. 

S5 is starting kindergarten and D2 is starting preschool, so he's going to have much less time having to take care of the kids.  I'm really interested to see how that's going to work out - will he pick up some more duties or not?  We'll see.

  Daylily

[briefcase]

Cloudy, you know these relationships are unbalanced in a lot of ways, often including the amount of work/housework done.  At some point, we have to accept that we chose (and continue to choose) an unbalanced relationship.  It may not be fair, but we're here by choice.

The bigger issue, in my mind, is how do we move forward in a healthier way in the relationship.  I used to work all day, come home to cook dinner, do the dishes, and take care of the kids - while my wife relaxed from the stress of being with the kids all day.  

I was a full participant in this unhealthy dynamic.  When I changed my role, the dynamic changed.    

[daylily]

I was a full participant in this unhealthy dynamic.  When I changed my role, the dynamic changed.    

Briefcase, how did you change your role?  Did you just say you were going to change your role, start doing it, and deal with the extinction burst?  Did things get done once you stopped doing them?

  Daylily

[Chosen]

First of all, I have to say that my H does work, and he does do stuff around the house.  Probably not as much as I do, and he just does things he likes to do, but still I realise it's much better than some of your pwBPDs.  I hope his contract gets renewed when it finishes later this year, otherwise I do fear he will not have the motivation to look for a new job... .

However, I have also found out that the less I try to do things for him, the more he does for himself. 

For example: in the past, when he throws rubbish everywhere, I would just pick it up for him at once.  Or when he throws his dirty socks all over the place, I would take them to the laundry basket at once.  A lot of those things I do willingly, but this just causes him to take it for granted and blame me when I forget.  But now, I have adapted a bit of his patterns: I do stuff for him when I feel like it.  If he throws stuff everywhere and I don't feel like picking it up, I don't.  The socks can go unwashed.  He lets his mail lying about, never opening them, I will not open for him.  I will stuff them all in a bag and let him know.  Things he doesn't tidy gets stuffed into a bag, and if he misses a bill or something (his own; all home things are paid for/ done by me) then he can't blame me for that.

Obviously he doesn't like it but this is my boundary.  And when he misses things he will try to blame me but I will not change my future behaviour, i.e. I still will not do those things for him so eventually he will have to do it himself, or suffer the consequences.

[united for now]

An entitlement attitude starts when we pick up the slack for them. When we do things they can do themselves. Over time it becomes expected that we should do these things for them. That they have the right to not do them since we always did.

Entitlement... .

This changes when you decide it will change.

The power is in your hands.

Nothing changes without changes... .

[Wanda]

 i agree nothing changes without change,.

my case after my husband worked 14 years full time and more i worked part time i did most of the cleaning cooking laundry such... . now i work full time and the only thing that change was the cooking due to my working full time and hours of supper , my husband does cook now he was so use to me doing all the cooking. then when my daughter came in due to working with my son she does the cooking.

now my husband is off work due to leaving a job after 14 year for another one that was better just for them to let him go.

HE is activily looking but is real picky, but now i come home after working and i work more i also work before i go to work, doing laundry and cleaning he has his stuff he does,but not much.

 but after all these years he is so use to me doing everything.

i can say though he is more of a neat freak so he does cleans his own stuff. at least i don't pick up after him.

[Cloudy Days]

i can say though he is more of a neat freak so he does cleans his own stuff. at least i don't pick up after him.

I think this is what I get irritated with the most. I can keep things somewhat clean, I would have to do it if he weren't there. But when I have to clean up his messes, for no other reason than he just didn't do it. Then I start getting mad. He leaves his clothing all over the house in little piles, wherever he takes them off at even if it's the middle of the living room  . I don't pick them up anymore because he does the laundry. But they may have to sit there for two weeks before they get picked up by him, I kick them to a corner out of the way. At least I don't have to pick it up though. He won't touch dishes, and for some reason he won't throw trash away. He will sit it next to the trash, but never in the trash can! And honestly if he learned to cook just one meal a week, that would make me happy. I am a terrible cook, I hate the stress of trying to cook a perfect meal every night. I've been doing less just to see if he will do more. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. I've been finding ways to ask him to do stuff too, most of the time he does it. Dishes are a no go though... .