Something I want to tell him after he ended it 11 days ago

[connect]

I have a BIG question tonight... .

When he broke up with me he was so crazy and on the edge that I never told him I didn't want to break up. I accepted it to keep him calm as he was in such a mess and I was worried about him. I only realised this today.

In the 11 days since this happened I have only had a text conversation with him that he initiated 2 days ago.

I want to tell him this. I would like to see him in person to tell him that I don't want this break up. Should I do this when he is dissociated? He seemed better by his texts but I know this could massively backfire. I feel like I need to tell him sooner rather than later. I want to do it over the next few days.

What should I do and how should I approach this type of contact? Thanks x

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[wdone]

i KNOW how hard it is when he is not communicating, and you want to tell him something very important.  i really suffer and get so uncomfortable when going through that! i am so sorry.

have you reached out to him? what was the last text conversation? 

my T reminded me to not "walk on eggshells," to do what i feel is right and my alanon friends remind me to let go of the outcome.  when i saw my boyfriend, i was SO nervous that it wasn't the right time, that he would be paranoid, that maybe he was dysregulated, but it went really well.

you can always text him or call him and ask him if he wants to meet as there is something you would like to talk about. but, be prepared for him to say no. 

this time, it was 3 weeks that my bf didn't respond... . and i get it, last night, i was SO relieved to tell him all the things i wanted to tell him and it felt really good. (like, i was having so much regret about asking him to move out, and that i love him and only want to be with him, etc)  BUT, now i have to let go of the outcome. it may not matter.  he will probably still dysregulate. he will still have major mood swings. 

anyway,  i feel for you and i don't know if i would put too much thought and energy into it.  i would be honest, look at your motives, ask yourself what you really want, and then take some action if it feels right.

i also spent days and days in prayer and going to 12 step meetings and connecting with friends and praying some more. and then when i saw him, i felt grounded and pretty clear... .

 

[patientandclear]

Hi Connect ... . do you think he THINKS you want the breakup? That seems unlikely.

I totally understand the impulse to DO something about a situation that seems irrational and intolerable, but is it reasonable to think that learning this fact will change anything about what he is contending with or feeling?

[connect]

Thanks for your answers as ever.

My impulse to do this is I admit partially motivated by my desire to change what is happening.

However I feel the MAJOR impulse to tell him this is because it is information that I want to give him. He gets very confused in this sort of state (never seen him this bad before) and I dont want there to be any confusion over this vital point. But yes P&C I do think he knows that I dont want the break up.

It is something I want to say to him to make me feel better and as Wdone says the outcome is not for me to control. If he has moved on in this time then I also want to know so I can start grieving this properly instead of living in the limbo land where I have been.

I want him to know exactly where I stand on this.

My problem is that I dont know if he means we are broken up or if its the BPD talking.

[123Phoebe]

Thanks for your answers as ever.

My impulse to do this is I admit partially motivated by my desire to change what is happening.

However I feel the MAJOR impulse to tell him this is because it is information that I want to give him. He gets very confused in this sort of state (never seen him this bad before) and I dont want there to be any confusion over this vital point. But yes P&C I do think he knows that I dont want the break up.

It is something I want to say to him to make me feel better and as Wdone says the outcome is not for me to control. If he has moved on in this time then I also want to know so I can start grieving this properly instead of living in the limbo land where I have been.

I want him to know exactly where I stand on this.

My problem is that I dont know if he means we are broken up or if its the BPD talking.

Connect

A few questions... .

Could there be a little projection going on about his state of confusion?  BPD is pretty much living in a state of confusion; his normal.  When we attach to their ups and downs it make us confused too.

What do you want?  Other than to tell him that you don't want to break up.  Are you okay with his comings and goings?  This IS his pattern.  This will continue no matter what you say.  Are you emotionally equipped to handle this?  Do you even want to be?

I could be wrong, but it seems that if you tell him now that you didn't/don't want to break up, it gives him a pass to keep treating you the way he has, doing what he does... .   That you're so into him, you want to be with him under any circumstances.  Is this the image you want to project?

What does a healthy relationship look like to you in your mind?  Considering, your values, boundaries and the next 5 years of your life... . ?

He's going to do what he's going to do.  Can you think of ways to break this cycle on your end only?

We create our own limbo land

[connect]

Hi Pheobe

I see what you mean in your post.

The thing that confuses me is that there are different approaches on here to a dissociated BPD who has cut you out. Sometimes people suggest that you leave them alone with no contact until they regulate a little and come back (also showing you wont allow the treatment) I have also seen on here the approach of send them little texts to let them know that you love them and are there for them... . this seems to be giving permission to the behaviour. This confuses me!

Your questions - what do i want? I want him back. I would do it differently this time. I would hope that radical acceptance on my part would make this potentially sustainable.

To break this cycle on my end only I suppose I would have to react differently. The trouble is he has never DUMPED me before so i have no pattern of behaviour here. I used to go begging after silent treatment but I stopped doing that. So in a way I have changed my pattern to his push periods.

People seem to think I shouldnt tell him the thing i want to tell him... . so confusing when I just want to be genuine with him at this point instead of doing something i find hard... .

[sm15000]

The thing that confuses me is that there are different approaches on here to a dissociated BPD who has cut you out. Sometimes people suggest that you leave them alone with no contact until they regulate a little and come back (also showing you wont allow the treatment) I have also seen on here the approach of send them little texts to let them know that you love them and are there for them... . this seems to be giving permission to the behaviour.

Connect,

Maybe the difference is he hasn't just 'cut you out'. . .he has stated the r/s is over and blamed you for having to do it although his behaviour over the last months has been basically hit. 

I could be wrong, but it seems that if you tell him now that you didn't/don't want to break up, it gives him a pass to keep treating you the way he has, doing what he does... .   That you're so into him, you want to be with him under any circumstances.  Is this the image you want to project?

I agree. . .Connect, this will not get sorted out by you telling him 'you don't want it to end'.  I don't want to cause you further hurt but are you prepared he may mean this for the moment - these relationship problems tend to be a marathon not a sprint.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be genuine with him and tell him what you feel at some point. . .but personally, I think you should let him come to you when/if he is ready.  Perhaps you should also consider what you will/will not accept if you take him back otherwise I fear in weeks or months he will pull the dumping trick over and over 

[connect]

Thanks guys,

I think what I mean is that although I want him back i am not expecting this to be the outcome for two reasons: 1) I dont think he wants me back and 2) if he has been with anyone else during these 12 days then I don't want him back (likely with him I suspect)

I may be seeking some kind of closure here. Or at least an opportunity to say a few things/ find out the score so that I can move on. It is hard for me to move on when the person who told me it was over was obviousley completely "nuts" when they said it.

Wdone on one of the other boards had the same happen to her. She was dumped and sent regular supportive texts during his space - they are now working things out.

So you all think its too early for me to get this? I am finding it hard to "wait" so to speak.

[MaybeSo]

Things you get with a relationship like this:

A loving and fun partner when not dysregulated

A certain edginess... . what's going to happen next?

A satisfying sex life when partner is not dysregulated

A good friend when partner is not dysregulated

An opportunity to really grow up emotionally and proceed on your own and under your own steam spiritually, financially and emotionally when partner is dysregulated: it's a crash course of marathon proportions for codependents.

A new understanding and appreciation of how true it is that life offers no guarantees and we have little to no control over anything but self

What a relationship like this does not offer:

Consistency/stability

Emotional support from partner (this is a do it yourself adventure ESP. When partner is dysregulated)

Help with Closure (This is a emotional process, you do it yourself)

Logical and tidy endings

Emotional or financial security

Predictability

Control

I like your list of things you would change if you stayed with him. The time to start on those changes are NOW. Do not wait.

If you wish to tell a loved one that they are important and you would hate to lose them, then tell them. Acknowledge also that you respect their choices and then move along.

Start working on your list now. If you were not enmeshed what would you be doing now?

[emotionaholic]

Connect

I thank you for bringing this up.  I am in the same boat as you.  I have been recycled many times though I now realize that many of them were her need to take a break.  Close relationships are extremely hard for pwBPD.  I was the one who ended it this last time, and I did say I did not want to end it but that I could take no more.  "Off like a band-aid" she said and then virtually no contact for a month.  :)uring this month I have continued to see the T we had been seeing and learned about BPD.  A relationship that recycles is not healthy.  It is a cycle and will repeat itself until someone stops the cycle.  I have learned what I have to do and be willing to accept if she returns.  I need to stop taking abuse by setting boundaries, stop taking things personally, stop engaging in pointless arguments, start validating her feelings, start accepting BPD and all that comes with it, start working on myself, and know that there will be silent treatments, rages, recycling, dysregulation, and it may not get better for years if ever.

I did after a month of almost no contact call her the other night and invited her out to dinner.  I dialed her # without any expectations and was a bit shocked when she answered and said sure.  We had a nice dinner though the small talk was awkward.  I did my best to listen and validate.  Im still not sure how good I did but I tried.  She gave me a ride back to my car.  After I kissed her she started crying and told me she missed me.  I told her I missed her also and that it was ok to be upset and to cry.  I wanted soo badly to take her home but resisted, said I should go and got in my truck and went home.  I knew if I took her home the cycle would begin again so I held back my emotions and desire.  I did not engage in any talk of getting back together and am going to work on myself and practice the tools I have been learning, take a break and see what happens.  If we end up back together I want to be strong and have a full tool box and it is going to take work on my part to change myself, and to take a stand on what I want in this relationship.

Sorry for hijacking your thread but I know what you are going through.

[sm15000]

If he has been with anyone else during these 12 days then I don't want him back (likely with him I suspect)

Considering your SO's history, this is also often another of what you don't get with these types of r/ships. . .honesty and fidelity - this seems important to you and a major boundary?

Do you think he would tell you if he had been with someone?  Is it going to be complete NC for you if this is the case?

[connect]

Hello,

Thanks for the replies 

Have texted him and am going round there in an hour for a cup of tea. Will play it by ear. Will keep things up and light at first, see how he has been doing. Any last minute tips appreciated... .

See you on the other side... .

[wdone]

stay close this board, and any supportive friends.  pray. breathe. 

i hope it goes well.

thinking of you.   

also, in my case, yes... . we are "working it out"but that doesn't mean he is not going to dysregulate and that things are going to be different or better... . only if i change-if i can practice detachment and acceptance and focus on myself.  it is so hard.  and i completely get where you are coming from.

[MaybeSo]

I'm glad things are better right now, it can feel like a huge relief.

He will likely have additional similar episodes, but at least you are becoming aware of the pattern.

Have a good weekend!