lack of sexual intimacy... now it's gone

[byfaith]

maybe in another post I can explain the details but for over 2 months sexual contact has stopped. My uBPDw is denying me that contact. It's a complicated reason. Do others deal with this with spouses with BPD for one reason or another? It's difficult. That was something in our marriage that was "normal" aside from all of the other disorders my wife suffers with that affects so many aspects of our life. Now that is gone. I am trying to understand and not let my feelings show. I don't see that aspect discussed much on this site.

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[byfaith]

forgot to mention that as long as we have been together sexual intimacy was something that happened on a regular basis. Maybe four times a week on average. Many times with her initiating.

[hanginon]

byfaith,

I havent' spent a lot of time on this board in a while and I do not want to sound negative but will share my opinion based on my personal experience.  In my opinion it is all about "control" or having the ability to deny you something that she knows has a negative effect on you.  Again, in my opinion, most women with BPD do so many things that actually push those that they love the most farther and farther away from them in an effort to exact some measure of pain/control/behavior modification on your part.  I believe they see it as getting back at their s/o for some real or imagined event and they fail to understand that to the "non" it is simply crazy-making.  It begins to erode the foundation of any resemblence of a normal (logical) relationship.  It begins to make the "non" ponder... . do I really need this?  She will use this tool to exact what ever amount of revenge/hurt/satisfaction that she sees fit or appropriately modify your behavior to satisfy her.  My mistake has always been the attempt to rationalize with mine... . when she usually does not posess the ability for rational thought.  The result of this is usually circular conversations that usually end after about an hour and much frustration on both our parts which just extends the crazy-making.

Discaimer: Just my opinion, your mileage may vary and your situation may be totally different than mine was. (But I doubt it is)

Good luck and I hope your situation resolves itself with little trama.

Hanginon

[byfaith]

In her defense, about a week ago she said that she views me different than she used to in that area and it will take time for her to feel the same way again. She was slightly apologetic, but I am supposed to totally understand and now apparently wait. In all other areas I am supposed to meet her emotional needs and wants and it is taking it's toll on my heart (mind).

[Mono No Aware]

Oh yeah, the sex life with a BPD is marked by swings from great to non-exisistent.

Mine has the added twist of sex sometimes being a trigger for major meltdowns and occasional violence.

To the Lessons!

BPD Behaviors: Fear of intimacy

Is a fear of intimacy part of BPD? Fear of abandonment is so intense in pwBPD that they often can't bear to get too emotionally close because that would make the pain even more intense if they were abandoned. Read more.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.

[byfaith]

this is the worst one in our 2 year marriage. I will try to make this short.

She idealized me to a certain level. About 2 months ago she was asking me questions about a situation that she ALREADY knew about that went on with me 8 years ago while I was married to my first wife. This "situation" was a mental attraction I had for someone. Nothing ever happened. My uBPDw asked me questions about her and the final one was did I ever picture myself with this person. I answered honest. From that point forward my wife sees me as a cheater, or at least viewed me for a while as someone who could not be trusted. She said I don't trust your mind.

Her reason for denying physical intimacy is that it brings back all the memories of the things her ex husband of 13 years did to her. She sees sex in the context of where she has re catagorized me as being something lustful and disgusting. She did tell me though a few days ago that she knows it's in her mind and it's not my fault. Sometimes it doesn't make it any easier because I wonder if secretly she is trying to repay me for what she felt I "did" wrong those many years ago. She feels that I never paid for what I did. I paid for it with a guilty heart towards God, it tore me up. I'm struggling to understand all of this.

So maybe now she thinks that because of what my mind "could think" she is not being intimate because to her my mind could be cheating on her? That being the abandonment?

[hanginon]

byfaith,

Just sharing my thoughts.  To me what you describe is just typical crazy-making of a mentally ill person. "We" try to apply logic to the thought process and logic is not usually involved with them. I have spent many sleepless nights arguing/expressing/explaining myself over hypothetical situations that most likely would never come to pass but she didn't like my response to her questions and we would have circular conversations until I caved and agreed with whatever she said.  Even if I did cave and agree, she was already "hurt" by my line of thinking to begin with so regardless of my finally giving in to her... . she had ill thoughts toward me in the end.  (of course I paid for that)  They always say you "hurt" their feelings and that is a trait of this illness. They are overly sensitive in the feelings department.  I've done it many, many times completely unintentional just trying to be honest because if she caught me in a lie trying to pacify her she would go ballistic. Typical catch 22.

I know it may seem difficult to do, but you need to develop a way to divert her mind off of those deep type of things that someone who thinks completely with rambling emotion focus on.  They attach huge significance to your responses that are usually not in proportion with the real issue at hand.(to a logical person)  They usually also ask the question that you cannot give an answer that will not be seen as a "bad" answer to them, again a catch 22.  That is just some of what "they do".  I have had some similar conversations as you describe with my BPDw from what are you thinking during "the act"... . if you close your eyes or not and any hidden significance to that... . to be quite honest it got to the point that I dreaded an encounter because I was sure I either would not be able to perform to the level she thought was adequate... . meaning how long it took me to complete and such... . (too fast was bad, too long was bad) that I really had incredible performance anxieties which only made things worse with her but she couldn't see that she was putting a lot of pressure on me with all this foolery.  They get into your head. I had an almost exact staged mental infidelity as you describe by my w also.

I had limited success at trying to pull her up out of the weeds so to speak and try to get her to see the bigger picture. Mine needed a lot of reinforcement daily/hourly of basic relationship based stuff. When she would dive to those deep places, I would try to bring her back up to the top with basic stuff... . reaffirming love, relationship, security, good times, there are times they can just make things way too complicated. Don't worry about all those things.

Hanginon

[Cipher13]

byfaith,

I feel your pain and struggle. I know where you are comiing from.

My uBPDw asked me questions about her and the final one was did I ever picture myself with this person. I answered honest. From that point forward my wife sees me as a cheater, or at least viewed me for a while as someone who could not be trusted. She said I don't trust your mind.

I remember the first time this kind of thing was done to me. We  were not married yet. Took a trip to NYC to vist a frined of my w from college. On the drive home the question came up of what makes people atractive. To this day I wish is changed the subject. Becasue I could even think that anyone else could have a feature of atractiveness (even a perfect strange you will never ever meet) means "you cheat", "you don't love me", "you think of other people all the time", and "I don't trust you"

Now as far as the intimacy issue goes that may very upon individual BPD but I have found it similar with a fluxuation pattern of on and off.  When its "on" there is imedate feeling of "using me","thinking of someone else" and you get the picture.  The the "off" there is no mood for connecting or even sharing a happy quiet time. Not even snuggle and getting close.  Its like a drug. But the highs can be flawed and the lows are just that, low.

[bruceli]

byfaith,

I havent' spent a lot of time on this board in a while and I do not want to sound negative but will share my opinion based on my personal experience.  In my opinion it is all about "control" or having the ability to deny you something that she knows has a negative effect on you.  Again, in my opinion, most women with BPD do so many things that actually push those that they love the most farther and farther away from them in an effort to exact some measure of pain/control/behavior modification on your part.  I believe they see it as getting back at their s/o for some real or imagined event and they fail to understand that to the "non" it is simply crazy-making.  It begins to erode the foundation of any resemblence of a normal (logical) relationship.  It begins to make the "non" ponder... . do I really need this?  She will use this tool to exact what ever amount of revenge/hurt/satisfaction that she sees fit or appropriately modify your behavior to satisfy her.  My mistake has always been the attempt to rationalize with mine... . when she usually does not posess the ability for rational thought.  The result of this is usually circular conversations that usually end after about an hour and much frustration on both our parts which just extends the crazy-making.

Discaimer: Just my opinion, your mileage may vary and your situation may be totally different than mine was. (But I doubt it is)

Good luck and I hope your situation resolves itself with little trama.

Hanginon

Well said and I would have to agree... .

[bruceli]

LOL... . Just last night... . dBPDw says as she strips down before bed and gets in... . You stare at me like a pervert... . Looked at her with that What the heck look thinking where did that come from... . This morning... . So sorry I fell asleep last night hon, it must have KILLED you sleeping next to me all night long and flashes me a smile... . Nuff said about this topic huh?