Being erased hurts

[PaticAttack]

Hello all!  I have been reading these discussions for a while now and finally decided to join in.  There was one in particular that struck some chords in me.  So here I am... .

I met pwBPD online and we hit it off.  I had not been in the online dating scene for long and noticed that people dont seem to engage in conversations.  Not with her, it was equally a back and forth, mutual thing happening.  Well, we did this for sometime, then started facetiming and then we met.  For me, it was love at 1st sight, though I was falling in love with her through getting to know her through writing.  Anyway, skip to 4 months later and she breaks up with me.  I had told her about an "issue" that I had with past drug use that was no longer a problem in my life.  So the reasons she gave for breaking up: I didnt love myself and it wasnt fair to her to love someone who doesnt, that I was trading an addiction to be addicted to her, that I had childhood trauma that I need to deal with and her inner child was afraid of me.  I really took this all to heart as I always blame myself for broken relationships.  So I set out to prove those (her) reasons wrong.  Which has been good for me.  I didnt know anything about BPD, she told me she had it but that she was high functioning, was in T and mindful and asked me not to google it.  I am a respectful person and did not check into it, I dont think it would have swayed me anyway.  I thought I had met my soul mate. 

So with the breakup, she was really sweet and loving when she cut my heart out.  Touching me and trying to cuddle, asking me, cant you be friends with an ex?  I also find out that she had overlapped and had basically started a new relationship before she broke it off with me. Oh, the anger!  I think what sparked it was when I was going through a rough time and she checked out emotionally, I told her that I needed my partner to be emotionally available to me.  She agreed and apologized, I thought that was that, but I think that when it started.

So I never really got the meanness from her.  We dont live close, so we weren't with each other often enough. So I am semi-stuck!  Oh yea, she also told me not to get stuck.  If she comes back soon, I would totally jump back in even knowing that it will destroy me.  So I am hoping that this new interest will play out long enough for me to fully move on.  I have had NC for a month now and will not contact her.  She blocked me from FB but has left the instagram window open, I cant help but look.  Its crazy because I totally get her crazy.  I also started questioning if I had BPD when I would get lost in reading about it.  I do have childhood trauma and other crap, social anxiety, insecurities, depression... .The thing I dont have is that damn switch, sometimes wish I did...

Anyway, thanks for being here and offering some fresh airflow to this damned fog!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[roberto516]

Oh, the anger!  I think what sparked it was when I was going through a rough time and she checked out emotionally, I told her that I needed my partner to be emotionally available to me.  She agreed and apologized, I thought that was that, but I think that when it started.

So you guys are broken up and there has been no contact for a month? I just want to clarify as I don't want to say anything if you guys are together and you are trying to save the relationship. The forum this is under has me confused .

Anyway, I can relate. I needed my ex for the first time in our 17 months of dating after I had a loss in the family. I even told her that i needed support. My ex checked out emotionally. She gave a few bread crumbs here and there but all I needed was the text "how are you doing today? do you need to vent or talk to me?" or just to be held after work. Instead she'd go off into the bedroom and binge on her netflix shows. So I get that.

And yes, being erased hurts. You said it best, I wish I could turn off that damn switch too like they can. I guess the comfort I take is that this means I have empathy and really am capable of loving someone. And I would say the same for you.

Chin up my friend. I relate all too well to this pain you are going through.

[PaticAttack]

So you guys are broken up and there has been no contact for a month? I just want to clarify as I don't want to say anything if you guys are together and you are trying to save the relationship. The forum this is under has me confused .

I do not understand how to use this forum, this is my 1st time at this!   I would love to save the relationship, but do not believe that is going to happen.

No contact for a month and not much before that, I refuse to beg for someones love!  I have changed so much because of all of this, I dont usually respond well to rejection but have been forcing myself to change past behaviors and negative reactions. 

 

[roberto516]

No contact for a month and not much before that, I refuse to beg for someones love!  I have changed so much because of all of this, I dont usually respond well to rejection but have been forcing myself to change past behaviors and negative reactions. 

Well that is a real sign of maturity and growth for sure. Rejection is my hardest thing and the begging invariably is the result of that which made me feel so pathetic and weak. How have you been changing your behaviors and negative reactions?

[PaticAttack]

Well that is a real sign of maturity and growth for sure. Rejection is my hardest thing and the begging invariably is the result of that which made me feel so pathetic and weak. How have you been changing your behaviors and negative reactions?

Thank you!  I do not know, I mostly want to die!  But I have been focusing on not self destructing, which is what I usually do, through drugs and alcohol.  I also know that that has never changed the out come of past broken relationships.  It did not bring that person back, it only hurt me.   I've sought out therapy and have been going to Buddhist inspired recovery meetings.  I was told by my T that I need to connect with my feelings and not judge them but have compassion on them.  That actually blew my mind, be nice to the feelings I am experiencing.  WOW!   I also feel that I have never truly felt that kind of love for someone, so I keep repeating this mantra when I think of how much she is hurting me, "I love you and I want you to be happy".  I do mean it and I also know that that is what I need to hear for myself.   I also keep thinking that I am not strong enough to be what she needs and hope that she can find what she is looking for.

[once removed]

If she comes back soon, I would totally jump back in even knowing that it will destroy me.  So I am hoping that this new interest will play out long enough for me to fully move on. 

if she comes back soon, and you jump in without a new approach, its not likely to go well.

whatever the outcome, affecting a real change requires a certain level of emotional detachment. if you get back together, you should consider the old relationship over, and start from scratch, with a fresh and informed approach.

should you decide to close the book, a great deal of what you can take from this board can last you a lifetime.

it sounds like youre making some great progress with your therapist. she gave you some good advice that helped me a lot through my crisis, during which i was shaming myself for my feelings. its just not constructive and it was very freeing for me to acknowledge them without judgment. the basis of this (mindfulness) is our first tool (Wisemind) directly to the right. https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

how can we best support you at this time?

[PaticAttack]

if she comes back soon, and you jump in without a new approach, its not likely to go well.

whatever the outcome, affecting a real change requires a certain level of emotional detachment. if you get back together, you should consider the old relationship over, and start from scratch, with a fresh and informed approach.

I understand that, at least I think I do!  It scares me, im not sure that I am strong enough to tackle that situation.  I do love her more than another human that I've met so far.  I also feel like she came into my life for a reason.  Do I have all her loose screws?  Does she have all of mine?  I am a very emotional and empathetic person, I am not sure that I can understand, cope or deal with someone who seems to have none of those things for me.  But that also makes me feel like I could be the "savior" she needs.  Its messed up and my logic knows it but its the heart that makes me weak. 

[once removed]

i understand.

time is on your side here. i would use some of it to learn more about BPD, and what it takes to be in a "BPD relationship". not as a personal test, but to get a realistic picture. heres a great place to start: https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

its a tall order, and this can inform your decision either way. as i said, if you feel powerless to resist a potential effort to recycle the relationship, then it would likely be doomed. if you wanted to slowly test the waters, youd have a lot more tools in your tool belt. and if you decide to close the door, the information will inform your recovery. use it wisely.