Acceptance + change, not just one or the other.

[livednlearned]

Mod Note:  this is a continuation of a series of threads found here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339482.0

I had an epiphany about this. What I was trying to figure out and couldn't see at the time.

I kept thinking: Do I wade in here, or do I get out of the way. Delicate step-parent balancing act that seemed either/or.

Now I see: Do both.

I waded in, said things, and acted.

Then backed all the way out.

Both were effective.

With less from me, there is now more from H.

But there had to be at least something from me.

It seems to come back to acceptance + change, not just one or the other.  

[formflier]

Can I rephrase a bit and see if you agree.

You saw a situation in which nobody was acting AND the danger level was high for continued inactivity (passivity).

You asked hubby to act, not much happened.

You acted, which made several people uncomfortable, but you didn't relent in acting on your judgment.

After a time hubby started to see the light and heard a message from you of "someone had to act...I did.  If you wish to act, I'll give you space."

You gave him space (backing out).

He started being more active than he was in the past.

(is that pretty much it?)

So...what is he doing now that he wasn't doing at the start of all this?

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

In general, yes, he is more active setting some boundaries.

What I notice is that he more openly expresses what he feels, notices, experiences with SD23. He has openly shared thoughts about behaviors he is trying to change in himself.

He has acknowledged that how he expresses support (unfettered access) is making things worse, not better.

He has even expressed some anger.

Baby steps.

[formflier]

He has acknowledged that how he expresses support (unfettered access) is making things worse, not better.

 

Wow...!  Are you sure you would categorize this as a "baby step"?

Is he doing anything with this acknowledgement? 


Can you update us on SD23 living situation, boyfriend and job situation?  Does she come around as much as she used to?

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

SD23 got a job in the same town where she went to college (6 hours away).

BF moved in with her.

The volume of texting and phone calls went up across the family (complaining about BF, complaining about her job) and hit a breaking point on the day before Christmas when BPD mom drove to SD23's apartment and ordered the BF to pack up and move out.

That seemed to be BPD mom's way of saying she fixed the problem. 

SD23 is now living on her own but on the down low she still sees BF. She is being cagey about this.

That relationship is just, wow.

On the upside, SD23 and BF do not meet here anymore.

Everything I know about the job is hearsay it's hard to know what's true/real.

H has put some limits on the venting. "Let's contain venting to 2 min. The rest of our time on the phone, let's talk about other things."

I think he started to feel like he was becoming her trash can for complaints. He experiences above average stress given the nature of his work, meanwhile experiences her stress, then comes home and it's not stressful here. The discrepancy bothers him. To the extent he is looking to relocate. The positive changes make him realize that similar adjustments are necessary with SD23.

[formflier]

On the upside, SD23 and BF do not meet here anymore.
 

Victory..right?

So...just to be clear.  Two adults chose to cohabitate.  One of those adult's complained a lot and so that adults mother went to that home an ordered one of them out.  

And...they complied with her...?

Just want to make sure I have that right?

What job did she get?

Best,

FF

[livednlearned]

Victory..right?

Sure. The situation solved itself and together H and I have much less stress.

So...just to be clear.  Two adults chose to cohabitate.  One of those adult's complained a lot and so that adults mother went to that home an ordered one of them out.  

And...they complied with her...?

Yup.

What job did she get?

She is a sped teacher for 8 middle school boys with ASD.

A challenging job even for experienced teachers.

[worriedStepmom]

Have the SI gotten better?

How is older SD handling things?  I remember she was hearing a lot more of the SI, on top of all her own stress.

[livednlearned]

Have the SI gotten better?

I’m out of the loop but my sense is that she does not speak of this to SD25. No phone calls from therapists or psychiatrists.

How is older SD handling things?  I remember she was hearing a lot more of the SI, on top of all her own stress.

Sd25 drew some hard boundaries. I think she is determined to have healthy boundaries with family ... she has said to SD23 that she cannot text that much or that quickly, and apparently drew a line in the sand about vague SI texts. I don’t know the exact nature of what was said. SD25’s BF now lives with her and he has helped coach on texting boundaries.

SD25 seems much more aware of similarities between SD23 and BPD mom, even though they seem to be very different people.