I fed the beast

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I fed the beast.
It is all I am able to think about.
I broke NC after 18 days by sending a text to one of his female friends, so he came over and did what he did.
He told me he loved me but IT WAS MY FAULT the reason why it could not work. I tried to hug and kiss him and he sent me away.
I then sent him away.
I lost all my dignity. I lost all my dignity.
How can I possibly recover from that.

Yes I have been on a date-two actually with the same person- and it felt good .
But I fed the beast and I am unable to forgive myself.
Now he is happy and his pride is over the moon.
And I am here.
Shattered.

[UnforgivenII]

I fed the beast.
It is all I am able to think about.
I broke NC after 18 days by sending a text to one of his female friends, so he came over and did what he did.
He told me he loved me but IT WAS MY FAULT the reason why it could not work. I tried to hug and kiss him and he sent me away.
I then sent him away.
I lost all my dignity. I lost all my dignity.
How can I possibly recover from that.

Yes I have been on a date-two actually with the same person- and it felt good .
But I fed the beast and I am unable to forgive myself.
Now he is happy and his pride is over the moon.
And I am here.
Shattered.

[GoingBack2OC]

Try not to beat yourself up. Honestly, I've been there, we all have.

I honestly stopped caring about that aspect. It really helped in a lot of ways.

Lay your humility out there. Be the humble, honest one. Be true... .BE TRUE.

After my ex cheated on me, lied for months, I told her how sad I was, felt betrayed, how much I loved her, still missed her,

Im not really bothered by it, that I did. Because I'm being honest with her about how I feel. I'm not making it a game.

Think of it that way, do you want to make it a game? NC seems like one to me. I understand its purpose, to heal, but it's purpose is to give distance, to allow healing. Put aside egos, and forget 18 days... .keep counting. In 22 days, you can say you saw him once in the last 40 days. Look at it that way perhaps.

It sucks. Hang in there. I'm RIGHT there with you. Silent treatment right now, I've begged to be even acknowledged. ZIP.

[Turkish]

Do you believe that he loves you given his actions? 

[heartandwhole]

Hi UnforgivenII,

Try not to beat yourself up. I know it hurts.    This is what we have to do sometimes, to know for sure that there is no hope for a different outcome; that we are done. We don't know until we do.

Your intention was fueled by love and longing; it took guts to be vulnerable. So, hold your head high—you are much stronger than you know.

heartandwhole

[UnforgivenII]

Do you believe that he loves you given his actions? 

No I don't. He hates me and despises me. And I fed his ego.
I feel like throwing up. Today it is terrible.

[Confused99]

 Try not to beat yourself up over this to bad.   A few months ago I poured my heart out to my ex BPD  telling her I would do anything to get her back. I would pay all her bills, basically do anything she wanted. She said "aww so sweet but no thanks I met someone way better than you".  I obsessed over it why would I put myself out there like that so stupid.  I watched as she thought she was the crap. Well here we are two months later and she's contacted me again and this time I learned my lesson and ignored it all and so will you. It's all part of the recovery process.  And you're doing great at it

[married21years]

this is actually good! 

you will now stiffen your resolve and start the process of moving on.

in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter.

a person with BPD opinion doesn't matter as wait five minutes and their reality will change 

the will help give you clarity on the situation 

it will be fine! 

[UnforgivenII]

All of you. You are angels. I am sobbing without stop. I want to heal. I want this pain to go away.
Confused, he will never come back. I am not worth. I am not worth.
My appointment with an EMDR therapist is on Monday. I cannot afford it but I must heal.
How do I arrive until Monday?
God help me

[GoingBack2OC]

If you are that bad off, you could go to the ER, of any major hospital, and voluntarily commit yourself.

They will put you under a 72 hour observation. Once in, you can't get out until doctors say so or 72 hours come up.

I did this... .well I was actually taken into the ER because a friend thought I might off myself (I wasnt suicidal at all, I was just really upset). Needless to say he called 911, cops showed up, I was passed out asleep by then, confused as hell as to why they were pounding on my door in the middle of the night.

Anyway, they took me to the hospital. Basically, they took my friends words as serious, and I probably looked rough, crying to sleep.

But you know what, I spent 3 days in a place that yea, it sucked! But... .I wasnt in my home. I actually slept pretty well. Better then I do here. They give you meds if need be. Anxiety etc.

You are cared for in a very basic way, 3 meals, snack time, group counsel sessions, all of which you can do or not do. The first day, I was so pissed I stayed holed up in my room alone.

By day two I was starting to talk to people, and it wasnt so bad.

But you know? Being in there... .maybe it wasnt so bad. Its a "little" like jail. Not really, I mean, your door isnt locked, you can walk around, but you cant leave. The food was decent (you had menus and could pick). It was actually OK.

And they take everything from you... .so I didnt have my cel phone. You have no internet, so no obsessing/social media. You are in the care of doctors. You have meds if need be. You are around other people, some yea, waaaay more disturbed than you, but some, honestly, they just broke down, normal people who had panic attacks.

It was a quiet 3 days. I always had my private room. With a door I could close. I could sleep as much as I wanted. There was an outside area. They provided decent food, a crappy bed but it was fine. And silence, to be away and not in the outside world.

I think in retrospect, it may have been a good thing, that when I found out, I didnt spend that first 3 days at home. Not that I would hurt myself, I wasnt suicidal. But I didn't have my phone. I also had other people around. And doctors.

If you call local hospitals, many of them have mental health facilities, that are Involuntary/Voluntary - two different wards, with a big locked double door separating them.

The cost, and I live in a high income area, was cheap, like hotel cheap. I havent even gotten the bill. They also have a medicade person come meet with you if you dont have insurance, to help you get state/federal insurance at no cost.

Its a place where you can go if you feel you need perhaps medical care, access to therapists, immediate medicine, and 3 days away from the world.

I gotta be honest:  I was freaked it happened. I felt imprisoned. But it totally took my mind of her. And by day 3 I was ready to get out, and they let me go 10 hours early.

I know this may sound extreme, but you sound really upset. It doesnt cost a dime to go in, and may be free.

Either way, hang in there. Know that tomorrow is a new day. And that life does get better.

[heartandwhole]

UnforgivenII,

We are all wrapping virtual arms around you.    I know it hurts like he! right now. If you can, try to focus on physical sensations instead of the thoughts attached to them. The constant loop of that painful belief (I'm not worthy) can make it last longer than it has to.

You will come out of this. Stronger, wiser, and more able to love and be loved.   

heartandwhole

[married21years]

I am not worth. I am not worth.

you are worth it, he is not worthy of having you, your self esteem is shot. its what they do to control us!

no go see someone that will support you and make you see the light 

why are you not worthy of him. because he doesn't want you?

this just means he cant control you any more!

dobbie is a free elf! dobbie has no master! 

[UnforgivenII]

Thank you for your words. My brother is a doctor and a pretty good one and checking on me constantly. On Monday I have my appointment but I am not suicidal. Just sad. Sad. But I have never been suicidal in my life and I will never be.

I really hope that Emdr helps.

Married21years, you are priceless 

[DreamerGirl]

UnforgivenII, I'm sending you as much strength as I can.

I have been where you are and I know how much this hurts. 

The one thing I have learned and I hope it's helps a little.

This worrying about losing your dignity, and also feeling he is over the moon, is really just your Ego.

You need to really try and focus on letting that part go.  It's hard, I know that, because I have often let my Ego rule my thoughts.

So, you are a beautiful caring and kind human being, with feelings of deep love for him.  You had hope and you reached out to him and believed you could show him the love you feel for him.

I've also done this, so many times.  Believed that if I showed him enough how much I cared, he would get better. 

It's so sad they are disordered.  He is not like you, or me. 

Please don't beat yourself up for being a loving and kind person who has so much to give. 

[UnforgivenII]

I do thank you alla. You all are wonderful.

[DazedD40]

Do you believe that he loves you given his actions?  

No I don't. He hates me and despises me. And I fed his ego.
I feel like throwing up. Today it is terrible.

I just burst out crying reading this!

Her last communication with me over text read, I don't love you or want you!

Im crippled by her saying that to me. The person I love with all my heart and soul, hates me, purposely hurt me and treated me with such anger and cruelty. All I wanted was to love her and for her to love me and the price to pay for that was for her to destroy my soul.

[Confused99]

Do you believe that he loves you given his actions?  

No I don't. He hates me and despises me. And I fed his ego.
I feel like throwing up. Today it is terrible.

I just burst out crying reading this!

Her last communication with me over text read, I don't love you or want you!

Im crippled by her saying that to me. The person I love with all my heart and soul, hates me, purposely hurt me and treated me with such anger and cruelty. All I wanted was to love her and for her to love me and the price to pay for that was for her to destroy my soul.

Don't take it to heart.  Mine said that too.  I was a distgusting human being and she never loved me at all.   Then 3 months later begged to come back and that she just said those things to hurt me.   You can't take anything they say as truth.  It's all a game to hurt you and make them feel Better.   Trust me

[kc sunshine]

Oh i am right here with you -- it is the worst feeling. I fed the beast this morning too. BPD is such an awful illness-- so destructive, so painful. I feel like I have been dropped down a huge hole.