Erased

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Started NC on the 15th of July. After the third discard. Broke NC on the 4th or 5th of August, just to be discarded again. He loves me but it cannot work because of me. Restarted NC immediately. My God it is a lot of time.
I have blocked him on the phone and FB. But he never tried to contact me. I feel I have been erased. I never counted. I was... .nothing.

I feel like nothing.

[UnforgivenII]

Started NC on the 15th of July. After the third discard. Broke NC on the 4th or 5th of August, just to be discarded again. He loves me but it cannot work because of me. Restarted NC immediately. My God it is a lot of time.
I have blocked him on the phone and FB. But he never tried to contact me. I feel I have been erased. I never counted. I was... .nothing.

I feel like nothing.

[Tobiasfunke]

I'm sorry you are feeling like that today. The early days of the final discard are horrific. I'm 18 months post and I assure you the days get easier. I won't lie and say I don't feel that empty low feeling from time to time but you deserve someone who can be loved and will love you back. Today you start brand new building a happy peaceful life full of people who will think of you and remember you and text you and call you. They will not project their fears and inadequacies on to you or control or devalue you. Hang in there.

[Stripey77]

But I have a question... .how on earth do we know when it's 'the final discard'? My ex 'discarded' me after a recylce in November, then after an incident involving 3rd parties,  approached me at a bar on Xmas Eve to tell me how I had been deleted from his life, I don't exist to him, blah blah blah. He deleted and blocked me on almost every avenue imaginable. When he saw me town, he walked past me as if I were invisible, for 6 long horrifically painful months.

At the end of May, he was back (and now not talking to me again, but what's new?)

How are we ever to take any of the ST, ghosting, 'discards' seriously, when things like this happen?

Oh btw Unforgiven, I was told in a huge heart to heart we had (when he decided to once again acknowledge me) that 'we don't work'. Which is total BS of course, but a great excuse. If I said just one word he didn't like, even in these heart to hearts, he said 'see, we don't work'.

Where I am going with this is, not only did I feel I'd been erased, I was informed in no uncertain terms, and shown, that  I had been. Only for him to completely backpedal 6 months later. And he took me to his house where all my things from 7 months before lay pretty much untouched. He wanted me to see that he hadn't been with anyone else, it seems. Whatever the case may have been with regard to that, one thing was crystal clear - I hadn't really been deleted at all.  Oh, and he told me still had all his photos of me.

I highly doubt, however you may feel, that you have been entirely erased either.

[Lilyroze]

  UnforgivenII

I am sorry this is going on for you. I can understand how you must feel.

Every struggle you had in your life shaped you into the person you are today. Be thankful for the hard times they can only make you stronger.

 What and where do you want to go from here?

Are you totally detaching and starting your journey to healing? How are you going to go about it?

I ask as the gift in all this is when he said that is there anything you think you need to work on? To take the time to learn, is a wonderful, with self introspection we can see a few things maybe. Or were they projections on his part, if so do you think he is working on those?

George Bernard Shaw: “A life spent in making mistakes is not only more honorable but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.”

Just being here learning or whatever you have been doing to understand shows not only are you not erased you are unique and very special. Either way you will come out further ahead in life with the knowledge and the ability to handle things even better in life with more love.

So go through the stages you need to then stay strong. Even when it feels like everything is falling apart.

Try to take care of you during this time, may you find peace on your journey.

[rfriesen]

But I have a question... .how on earth do we know when it's 'the final discard'?
... .
How are we ever to take any of the ST, ghosting, 'discards' seriously, when things like this happen?

In many of these relationships, we can only know it's the final discard when we decide ourselves it's the final discard. As you and Unforgiven have sadly experienced, sometimes our partners will declare everything over and done with, only to come back later hoping to reconnect. This happened with my ex until I decided it wasn't healthy for either of us and the only way forward was for me to stop playing my role in the cycle. If you reengage after a "last discard", then you've decided it's not the last discard for you.

Oh btw Unforgiven, I was told in a huge heart to heart we had (when he decided to once again acknowledge me) that 'we don't work'. Which is total BS of course, but a great excuse.

Is it BS? If so, are you saying that you do work? I understand what you mean, I think -- you mean that if he would stop discarding you and treat the relationship the way you wish he would, then you would work. But then maybe the conclusion to draw is that his "excuse" is his way of saying he won't/can't change and give the relationship the care you need him to.

Whatever the case may have been with regard to that, one thing was crystal clear - I hadn't really been deleted at all.  Oh, and he told me still had all his photos of me.

So now you know that if he tells you it's over and you're deleted, there's a good chance it's not true. What do you want to do with this knowledge? Wait for him to come back each time and repeat the cycle, or make the decision to detach?

I highly doubt, however you may feel, that you have been entirely erased either.

Supposing that's true, Unforgiven, what do you want to do if he returns?

[Stripey77]

Hi Rfriesen

 

Ok... .let me clarify. The 'we don't work' I was referring to because it is exactly the wording that Unforgiven used in reference to her own relationship... .I am guessing because she had also been told the same thing.  

Of course, on one level,  we don't work, but I guess what I am saying is that we don't work is not because we didn't get on - we did, very much so. Until he started picking fault with me about the tiniest and most innocuous things, then clumping all of these transgressions together and calling them 'problems'.  It's not that we were not emotionally, sexually, physically and, most importantly of all, intellectually connected - the physical side of things was electric and amazing. He himself referred to the attraction between us during our last heart to heart, but most importantly of all for me, he also referred to our 'brain connection' - which neither of us has found with anyone else. That, we definitely agreed on. He also told me, in this same night, as well as telling he can't be 'the one' for me, that  I had made him so so happy, that he had enjoyed every single moment with me - until the darkness took over his brain. The problem, he said, is in his brain and not me, and there's no guilt on my part (he means fault, English is not his 1st language).

Absolutely, the devastating fault picking, the 'problem' creating, the sulking, the ST, the coming back in and out of my life, the anger, the ghosting, all of the behaviours that we have come to know and hate that appeared once the wheels started coming off, mean in simplistic terms that 'we don't work'. What I was trying to say, and offer as a crumb of  comfort to Unforgiven, was that this is an excuse;that is clear is day. I actually think we worked and got on almost too well - there is no doubt in my mind to me that my ex fell in love with me, and was certainly on that page ... .until the darkness crept in. I think it frightened him. We live in a tiny town and to find that level of physical and mental attraction in someone on your doorstep... .well, it's overwhelming even to someone without a PD let alone with.  Of course, if you're going to keep looking for 'problems' to pick on someone who loves you and beat them about the head with it, and start seeing them as the issue, then of course, it won't work.  But all I was trying to outline was that it absolutely was not because we didn't get on or connect and was everything to do with this horrible disorder. I think my ex knows that, very well, as he's admitted in moments of lucidity, and by texts when he's reached out to me telling me he needs me to help him heal his injured brain, and he's so glad he has me.  

As we all well know, as the walking wounded from all of this, we are constantly put to the test. At some point, we will definitely fail a test - or multiple tests.  For me, the times when the slightest turn of phrase that he didn't like, usually something that was the tiniest bit critical of him, was when I was punished with sulking or needing to have a talk, or, of course, the proverbial 'we've been having problems' (that I was blissfully unaware of). The first time I was treated to a day of silence was because the day before I had dared to gently propose that perhaps he wasn't very nice to me when he'd had a drink (which was true.)  I was spectacularly dumped a few weeks later after daring to ask him not to spend an entire date glued to his phone and calling other people when we were having a heart to heart.  That's not the reason he gave, of course, but it precipitated him taking me home in total silence and refusing to speak to me before dumping me by text 3 days later.  If those are examples of people 'not working' then no, we didn't work... .but I defy anyone to be able to make something work with such ridiculously high levels of perfection to adhere to. By perfection, I mean never criticising him, even if what I was telling him was because he'd hurt me and I wanted him to know.

So yes, it is BS... .it is an excuse. Because if he didn't do those things and push me away for little to no good reason, we could have had the world. I don't blame him, I blame the darkness in his brain. But I know I loved him with my whole heart, more than I've loved anyone in my life.

And I only state that the likelihood that an ex will come back, based on my experience, because Unforgiven stated that she felt as if she'd been erased completely... .i.e. forgotten. I was merely trying to show that this probably isn't actually the case  - not to give hope, or to say it's a good thing... .but that it is quite likely not the last she's heard, and she has not been 'erased'. We may well have been erased for now. I am not saying I'm staying on this merry go round forever and ever, no,  but for someone who thinks they've been erased and consequently as a result, that they never existed to their ex, I wanted to offer a bit of comfort and say that all is probably not as it seems.


Having come back into my life after 6 months of silence and to be really getting on (not back together but getting on), my ex spectacularly reneged on all the good feelings by going away on holiday, coming back, and not contacting me.  After a devastating incident in which someone physically attacked him for his treatment of me, much against my wishes, he is now once again completely ghosting me. Total and utter silence. He pretends  I don't exist. I've been here before of  course. His last words to me were to disappear from his life because he is AN EVIL PERSON and doesn't deserve me. So, he's in a bad way. He's reading my texts, which is something... .I am trying to reach out to him because the reality of living in a tiny town with someone you love walking past you as if you're not there, in front of respective and mutual friends, is horrifically painful.

To answer your other questions; I have no delusions of hoping to get back together, that my frog will transform back into my prince, no. I think I probably have got off the carousel this time. Perhaps even he knows that this time he's treated me so badly I can't come back to him. I am so drained and sad and deserve more. But I do fervently wish to reach some middle ground where we can at least be civil and pass the time of day. This person told me he loved me, and in fact, has never retracted this. I still love him, even if I do know I can't be with his 'injured brain' if I want any kind of happiness in my life.  '

[UnforgivenII]

Thank you all. I do not know anything. I do not want him back. I just want this pain to go away. And it does not.

[Stripey77]

I know what you mean. In a horrible, horrible place myself right now.

This can't be it for us, it just can't be, that's all I know.

[khibomsis]

Stripey, Unforgiven, all I want from my uBPD ex is to be friends. Not even close friends, just civil would be good. It's been years,. we've both moved on, and yet, she won't let go of the past, continuing to ST me as far as possible. It hurts me in some particularly final way. Because it is the only thing she could still do to me, I guess.  For me friendships are important, we were friends before and I always thought of it as a bedrock to which we could return if the love got ugly. Not so. The short answer is that I have become her trigger, reminding her of a problem she refuses to seek treatment for. I try to understand and forgive. The only way out of this is by letting go. As long as contact matters to us, it will be a way for them to punish us for being the one who came too close for comfort.  , Khib

[Stripey77]

 

khibomsis

Yup, that is all I fervently wish for as well. The fact that my ex clearly not be with me (or anyone?) - and yet, as I have outlined above, can't stay away from me long term either - means that I have with a very heavy heart, and after a year of hell, had to accept that my prince has gone. But what I just cannot process, can't accept, and find so very hard to live with, is the ghosting and the ST.  It is a pain unlike no other, it's worse than any other heartbreak I've had, and I speak as someone who really responds badly to break ups as it is anyway. As Unforgiven says, I feel deleted.

In fact, he told me I WAS deleted before he came back to me 6 months later, and I 95% believed him. Now he's gone into 'hiding' again but I think we both know that the cover is blown - as I said above, despite being told I no longer existed to him, he took me to his house after a 7 month hiatus only for me to find all of my things still there in situ. Now, that time, he justified the deletion and the anger with a 'transgression' of mine. This time, I am very very sure he has ghosted me due to his own shame and lack of self worth. Because, as I said, he told me he was evil and doesn't deserve me.  But how am I really to take his ST seriously this time when he came back after painting me blacker than a witch's hat?   I can't.  

I also know that any return he made would be followed up by him running away again at some point.

For me the solution would be a middle ground, a civil being able to greet each other, have a kiss on the cheek, whatever. Our town, as I have said, is tiny. It is horrific being ignored and my heart really does ache with it, even though I've been here before and know that logically, he will be back.  I actually feel sick with the sadness sometimes and have to gather my strength every time I walk into town, knowing that an encounter will result in being blanked. It is getting easier to manage, though and I am getting stronger with time... .I used to not be able to go anywhere near his restaurant. Now, I walk boldly past it all the time. It's not me who's running away, so why shouldn't I?

 In the absence of the relationship which I miss every day and with all my heart, I would accept a friendship, in light of all I now know about him and knowing he just can't make more stick.  I miss his company so so much, just talking to him and joking, etc. Yes, we get company from other people... but it's not the same.

I would counter your 'punishment' remark with is this though... .I am not so sure, in my case, that this is about punishment. I really do think it's a defence mechanism, and he is protecting himself. The last time, it certainly was intended as a punishment and he took great pleasure in telling me that I had been erased from his life... .6 months after he'd already told me the same, . And just before he kissed me.  I reflected that silence, as emotionally horrific as it was, and the depression it sent me into to  meant I hit pretty much rock bottom. But  this time I am so sure he is punishing himself - his 'I'm evil' comment, etc. that I have taken the advice of a friend who is a mental health professional, and I am NOT reflecting this ST.  Instead, I have been sending him 1, maybe 2, lovely and kind, non emotional messages a week; nothing heavy, just telling him to have a nice day, that I miss his company etc. I am in effect, trying to chip away a bit at the self hatred and show him he can't push me away that easily... yet again.  I know the R/S is over but I refuse to be treated as a complete non-entity. It's not fair and it's detrimental to our own mental health and emotional well being.

He has been reading my messages. To begin with, he wasn't but then he was doing. I am still totally ignored. But like you, the friendship and the connection were above all what mattered to me and what I miss most of all. If there is any chance, however slight, of retaining some of that, I want to try.

Sadly though, even as I write this, I do know that my ex probably just can't do it. I'm either his lover and in his life... .and being adored... .or I am a nobody. Pretending I don't exist is easier than trying to process painful emotions, and one thing is for sure, that the mere sight of me puts him into turmoil.  

I actually feel sorry for him... .it's almost fascinating to watch him literally run away from me when he sees me. Except of course, it's not fascinating, because it hurts.

Sigh... .

[Zinnia21]

I have blocked him on the phone and FB. But he never tried to contact me. I feel I have been erased. I never counted. I was... .nothing.

I feel like nothing.

Unforgiven, this pretty much sums up, at the end of the day, after all BPD books are read, and after you've rationalised it all a million times over in your mind and re played the relationship every which way in your memory, this is the helpless feeling that most of us seem to experience. There must be something in that!
Erased!
I know though, from talking to my ex during previous breakups, that in a lot of ways, that wasn't the case. Shortly after the discard it kinda was, when he was all righteous. But as time goes by, they do experience their own feelings of doubt and loss. He did assure me of this, that he too would hear songs on the radio and cry. But he said his need to self protect out weighted his need to contact me, and his fear of messing up again and not understanding the damage that occurred or that he could easily inflict.
But there are distinct periods where you can definitely feel very erased. And it seems the only thing that stops the pain is them contacting again,
and 'un erasing' us. That's how I repeatedly felt! I still long, in many ways, for him to drive by and just tell me something, to say how much I meant to him.

Remember, that if he pushed you away, you must've meant something right? Love scares a pwBPD. It's a vulnerable thing for them. I know my ex loved me, but then the fear of losing that, of being abandoned came along and ruined it all. There's not much we can do about it as partners apart from getting away from that cycle in the end. And not much they can do without getting lots of help. But I have been there in that 'erased' feeling so much, this is discard #4 for me, and I think the last one. I'm finally here at the final frontier! Equal parts relief and sadness, you know... .?

Here is an article for you, as a firm reminder that you are lovable and that the situation was out of your control.

www.borderlinecentral.com/articles/BPDintimacyissue.php

I know we've all read a lot!  but sometimes it helps to remind yourself.

[Stripey77]

Hi Zinnia... .


It sounds like you and I are on roughly the same page. I find it absolutely staggering that someone who dramatically re entered my life, kissed me good bye the day he went on holiday saying 'see you when I get back'... .got back, and pretty much ignored me. And he knew what he was doing, the day after he returned I saw him out drinking with friends having not even told me he was home... .and he smiled at me. Looking caught out, which he pretty much was... .but I knew he would talk to me.  When my (now ex) friend psychotically attacked him for what she took for him being a b*stard, the wheels fell right off and here we are with him having gone more underground than ever before with me. He is totally disregarding me. And what did I do in between? Nothing. It is totally and utterly heartbreaking.  And like both of you, I feel erased. Again. Except... .you know you're not really, right, Unforgiven?

 Like your ex, Zinnia, when my ex came  back into my life, on the 2nd night we spent together, we were walking back to his house hand in hand and he suddenly blurted out "I have missed you... "  And then, like a child... ."a bit". Just to take away from it a bit.

I totally agree with what you're saying. It takes FAR more effort to actively ignore someone, and pretend they are deleted from your consciousness. To walk past someone you were/are in love with and act as if they are not there. How can that not shake a person up? And even if it doesn't, the fact is, that the opposite of love is indifference. This is not indifference. It's an active and conscious behaviour to push away. As you say, that only goes to show... .we really meant something.

[UnforgivenII]

Thank you so much all. Thank you Zinnia .
All I can say is... .This is cruel. Purely cruel.
It is childish and cruel. No self protection can justify this. They are adults.

Cruelty.