He waved his new woman in my face

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I am 47 days NC. I thought I was being ghosted. On the contrary two days ago I was parking my car near my home. I answered my mobile and lifted my eyes. And there he was. He was walking past my house embracing his new woman... .his "friend" who lives near me. I knew he was with another one. I was wrong. There they were. I just froze and tried not to react.

Beung ghosted would have been better than that.
He was so happy that I was watching.

[UnforgivenII]

I am 47 days NC. I thought I was being ghosted. On the contrary two days ago I was parking my car near my home. I answered my mobile and lifted my eyes. And there he was. He was walking past my house embracing his new woman... .his "friend" who lives near me. I knew he was with another one. I was wrong. There they were. I just froze and tried not to react.

Beung ghosted would have been better than that.
He was so happy that I was watching.

[JerryRG]

Wow!

I'm sorry for being blunt but that is just so sick, and disgusting and extremly immature.

In other words, typical BPD and something my exgf did and will continue to do.

I'm sorry you had to experience this cruelty and I do hope you get well and not let this crazy behaviour.

[amunt]

Just laugh at him , he is sick and he will broke up with her too.
These creatures will never be happy, you will find someone way better than this

[amunt]

One night just after 15-20 days from our break up i meet my ex with her new boy on the street,
she stared at me and laughed .

LOL, they are so sick . They want to make you feed bad, evil creatures.
Best way is to laugh at them and have fun

[Cleanglass]

Disagree with laughing.

Understand that whilst you are surviving and more than that, progressing through life by yourself and working on being independent, your ex BPD HAS to be in a relationship to be validated. It's a cruel existance to HAVE to have someone want you and never being able to be alone and happy.

The whole looking happy with someone new is a facade. More to the point:it won't last. You've seen your ex at their worse and their lowest and you've seen just how deep and far that rabbit hole goes. It's coming for them soon. MY advice is let them have their moment and stay away from them. The new girl is being used and mislead just like the rest of us were.

My ex is currently putting it all over and facebook and snapchat that he's got a new guy. When I'm low I refer to the new guy as a troll (petty, I know) but when I recover myself I realise that he's more naive than I was (younger) and he is incredibly screwed. I checked him out: he's just graduated and seems like a decent enough guy. His life will now be on pause and eventually under my exes' control soon enough. I actually feel sad for him.

[UnforgivenII]

I am suffering guys. Why. Why this

[Sadly]

So feel your pain Unforgiven, because I am feeling it too. I have actually lost it and screamed into my pillow " why, why me, what have I done to deserve this" and the answer when I have calmed down is very simple. I met a man who unknown to me ( and himself btw) has a serious mental illness. Like many here I thought he was "my soul mate" . The connection was swift and deep and the pain that followed the pleasure was slow and dark. I have gone through stages, confusion, bewilderment, anger, hate and terrible love. Almost to the point of self destruction. It is not our fault sweetheart, truly. It is an illness and that's all there is to it. People say here, don't take it personally, that's such a hard thing to get your head around, especially when you already feel an abject failure, that your love wasn't enough and they certainly do a number on you in more ways than that. I understand the personal thing now, the next person lined up won't. I struggle constantly with the emotional side of it. I love him and miss him and SOME of the life we shared, I yearn for the beginning again but it's not coming. I know I'm probably not making a lot of sense but I want to help if I can, so many have helped me here. I cannot imagine the pain of seeing your man with someone else, I dread the thought. Stay strong, ( says the gibbering wreck) That's what people tell me and I am trying to. 
Love from Sadly xx

[VitaminC]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, Unforgiven.  I know that must have been a difficult thing to see; your ex with someone else. I know I would find that very hard and spent the first couple of months of NC very deliberately not only not going anywhere I might meet him but also very deliberately not looking around the way I normally do in my life. I didn't want to accidentally spot him, alone or, heaven forbid, with anyone else.

It sounds as if your situation just happened and you had not way to prevent seeing that. If you think that it was planned, then consider the cruelty in that. Consider also, please, that to be cruel like that is not something that a happy and well adjusted person is capable of. We don't want to cause pain to others unless there is great pain in us - wherever it comes from.

It is correct to say that a pwBPD needs relationships, or something like them, to feel ok. The feeling ok, as we know from the literature on the disorder, is always temporary.

You say this happened a couple of days ago. How have you been taking care of yourself since then? It's important to have ways of making ourselves feel more centred again, of reminding ourselves that we are still here and we will be ok.

I realised a couple of months ago, in my own detachment process, that getting upset/sad/angry/unsettled might still happen but that my recovery from that was getting faster. That's one way we can gauge our progress.

What do you think?

[StayStrongNow]

Unforgivenll, I sympathize with your situation. From my own situation with ustbxBPDw I have had a tough time dealing with her tendencies to lie, cheat and attempts to destroy my spirit, but seems to me that is what pwBPD do. These are mentally unstable people with a brain disease that technically has no cure. As they circle the drain they want to drag good people down with them. Hurt people hurt people.

You are on the right track, keep doing what you are doing and this hurtful season of your life will pass.

[UnforgivenII]

I thank you all so much for your words. I just want to know why this cruelty. All I did was loving him. Why this cruelty. Why does he win. Always. He cheats, he abuses, he discards me he gives me CPTSD and now... .this!
Why does he have to win always?
Why?

[VitaminC]

How did he "win", Unforgiven?

What is winning in this context?

[UnforgivenII]

He wins EVERYTHING. He does as he pleases. He leaves me and then goes off in the sunset with someone else-in my face. He is good I am bad. He is wanted and with a partner I am discarded and with Cptsd. I am the crazy ex he is the cool guy. Anything else I have forgotten?

[kc sunshine]

WOW, all of the above for me too.

He wins EVERYTHING. He does as he pleases. He leaves me and then goes off in the sunset with someone else-in my face. He is good I am bad. He is wanted and with a partner I am discarded and with Cptsd. I am the crazy ex he is the cool guy. Anything else I have forgotten?

[Herodias]

You win, because you are not with someone unhealthy anymore!  I totally understand how you feel... .Mine is flaunting the new baby he just had with his still married gf, as we just got divorced after they had the baby! It is crazy how people don't see it for what it is. Some do, some just don't care. As lonely as I am and as afraid of making another mistake, I know they are making a huge one and they will have bigger consequences than I ever did. I was with this guy for 10 years... .it would have been our 8 year anniversary recently and he was off on vacation with his new "family"... .  I have to wonder if that was on purpose to avoid the day in his mind. We have to try really hard not to pay attention to what we see. We were in that place at one time too. I actually have been writing a "book" of the our story. It has really made me realize that I was blind to it all and I should have seen it in the beginning... .just as these new people are ignoring it all too. It does feel like they lie and cheat and are "happy" in new relationships, but I can tell you the behavior is still the same. My ex is flaunting the new family on Facebook, but I suppose I am the only one who notices he is friending allot of women who expose themselves and have sex videos on their walls. Is this a man who is totally satisfied with his new life? I think not! Try and not pay attention for awhile and when you can compartmentalize what happened... .after allot of self work, you can look again and see what is really happening. People do not change unless they make a big effort to do so... .be that person! I am not totally there yet at all, but I know I don't miss being lied to, cheated on, used and abused. They will  only be temporarily satisfied with the new person and they will go back to the bad behavior. When I look at our old pictures, what started out all smiles, turned into half smiles with horrible stories behind them... .My ex and his gf are doing the same. He has fake smiles and she doesn't even show teeth anymore. It is very telling. You know the truth... .They do not change.  Work on you and know it takes a long time to recover, so you don't feel bad about your recovery period... If you have friends and family to be around - do that! Normal people are good to be around to help center yourself once again... .Hope things get better. Remember, they really don't know how to be happy... .it is part of the disorder. What you see is not how it really is. If you think about it long enough, you will realize that. Focus on making yourself happy... .I know it is hard. I am really ticked off at the whole thing. I invested allot! Luckily I won't ever sacrifice myself for someone ever again. You won't want to either if you take your time and get healthy.  This is a hard lesson to learn... .

[Dutched]

UnforgivenII

Maybe you are not ready for what I am going to write, but please just take a minute to overthink.

People with BPD do not process grieve in a healthy way.
People with BPD suppress pain as feeling pain causes so much more pain. That is their coping.
During that r/s he deeply loved and felt deeply loved, but the closer he/you became, the more he was disappointed, as his fear for abandonment sets it.
NOT your fault! 
So breaking up, for pwBPD is merely a confirmation, therefore justification, as the person (you) was hurtful, not trustworthy, didn’t answer their craving for love.  So the deep attachment once there, is gone.

PwBPD crave for love and care, crave for an attachment (a 4-5 yr. old).
In fact any attachment will do as long as it answers their need.
Having found that, pwBPD seems to ‘win’ as you say.
They don’t, never, as in their life long search for ‘the best ever happened to me’ pwBPD will sabotage what they found, will sabotage what they have.

Did you ever, ever had a close look in his eyes? 
Ever seen that on photos? When he ‘poses’ and the difference when he was unaware / surprised by it?

Waving in ones face is common.
It hurts, but deep down there it is more hurtful for pwBPD.   
Their shame is enormous triggered when seeing you, don’t forget that!
It is the shame of a 4 yr. old child that has no possibility to act different.

I love you  – I hate you.  Hold me tight – but don’t touch me.

[Rayban]

He wins EVERYTHING. He does as he pleases. He leaves me and then goes off in the sunset with someone else-in my face. He is good I am bad. He is wanted and with a partner I am discarded and with Cptsd. I am the crazy ex he is the cool guy. Anything else I have forgotten?

He seems to be winning because you are letting him win. Don't give him that satisfaction.  I feel for you seeing them with someone else for the first time is difficult but you have to rationalize it. Right now you are thinking with your heart, but you must think with your mind.

Don't be fooled by the facade.  He's hurt people before you, and will hurt those after you. Including his current shiney new toy. Feel sorry for her.  She hasn't seen the mask slip.  Hasn't been cheated, lied,  gaslighted,  ... .YET. It will come.  He's got a mental illness that will be with him his whole life. You have the option to heal. Become a stronger person who will bring positivity and love to a person who has the capacity to appreciate it and deserve it.

You will win when you light that fire to live well. Start taking steps towards that objective and you will crush him.

[Moselle]

So sorry to hear about your painful experience Unforgiven. I can empathise having been exposed to similar hurtful things. As we move forward with our lives and happiness, I hope it gets easier.

Amunt, anger is a valid response when someone steps over our boundaries. Expressed healthily it can lead to change and self love.

When we turn to name calling and dehumanising, calling them "evil", "creatures"etc  do we not join a pwBPD in the splitting and B&W thinking?

How can we show the respect we now expect from healthier partners?

[Dontknow88]

I thank you all so much for your words. I just want to know why this cruelty. All I did was loving him. Why this cruelty. Why does he win. Always. He cheats, he abuses, he discards me he gives me CPTSD and now... .this!
Why does he have to win always?
Why?

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  Can I please make a recommendation? Please get the book called "stop walking on eggshells" and do a lot of research here on this site I guarantee they both will help you out a lot. I am currently going through the same situation but after reading the book it has really stuck in my head that this guy is sick in the head and doesn't even know himself or what he's doing to other people. Even if you get to the day when you think you hate your ex please trust me on the fact that he hates himself 1000 times more than you hate him.

They are inconsiderate and they don't have the time to think on what others may think he wants to be happy and cannot go about it in a healthy way tell he gets help he will continue to hurt other girls including the one your ex is with now. I am so sorry that you were going through this I give you all my hugs and if you ever want to talk we are all here for you

[UnforgivenII]

I thank you all so much.
It hurts going back home and having to watch around every corner in order not to bump in the couple of the century.

[Hopefulgirl]

He doesn't wave his new woman in my face anymore but last time I saw my ex pwBPD I wanted to tell him that there never seems to be consequences for his actions... .these women that he cheats on, ignores has them pay his bills, lies to in every way, he ends up having them eat out of his hand and forgiving him and I count myself as one of those unfortunately. He rides off in the sunset having people worried about him and want to help him or give to him or love him unconditionally. He moves on very quickly, there never seems to be any sign of remorse, if there is it it seems words are said only to smooth things over.

 And then of course women like me think about all this stuff everyday and cry ourselves to sleep and wonder how we ever let him get away with it.

[Rayban]

He doesn't wave his new woman in my face anymore but last time I saw my ex pwBPD I wanted to tell him that there never seems to be consequences for his actions... .these women that he cheats on, ignores has them pay his bills, lies to in every way, he ends up having them eat out of his hand and forgiving him and I count myself as one of those unfortunately. He rides off in the sunset having people worried about him and want to help him or give to him or love him unconditionally. He moves on very quickly, there never seems to be any sign of remorse, if there is it it seems words are said only to smooth things over.

 And then of course women like me think about all this stuff everyday and cry ourselves to sleep and wonder how we ever let him get away with it.

The grieving stage of recovering from a toxic relationship is in my mind the most difficult.  There are a lot of unanswered questions and it's painful to see the person you love hurt you so bad and now seems worry free on their way to hurting someone else. It isn't fair I agree, but it happened. 

Acceptance is where we should strive to get to. I learned about the three  C's and this has helped me to accept that I didn't CAUSE this person to be this way. I can't CONTROL what they do, nor can I CHANGE what they do.

I do however have control of I deal with it, and what changes I make in my life so that I will never have to be in a relationship with a disordered person ever again.  I'm working on learning what caused me to be attracted to this person, and stay and accept all their crap. I'm looking into seeing a therapist who will help me to heal some old wounds. Hang in there. We all heal at our own pace.

I found it helped when I began to stop feeling sorry for myself and began taking action on bettering myself.

[Pretty Woman]

Unforgiven,
   First off, hugs to you. That had to totally suck to see that.

Keep in mind, BPD's are "master manipulators". If someone truly loved you or cared about you, even after an amicable break up, they would NEVER flaunt a new relationship in your face. That is not normal.

That is someone who wants to create "competition". He wants to be the center of attention.

Please do not feel hurt he is with this woman. Feel sorry for her. All she is is a piece in his chess game. Eventually he will hurt her as he did you.

I used to think all my ex's exes were horrible people. They weren't. It's the whole "rescuer" thing. None of these people deserved what they got from my ex. I did realize one thing, how fragile and co-d we all are. BPD's are good at finding these types and using them to their advantage.

It hurts to be rejected and it hurts to "see" your ex smiling and laughing with this new woman. Just know this: what you "see" and what is really occurring are NOT the same things. It's all an illusion and a deliberate act to get you worked up.  :)on't fall for it, Love. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

[kc sunshine]

UnforgivenII-- the line "the couple of the century" made me laugh! That's what my ex and her new girlfriend are as well!

I thank you all so much.
It hurts going back home and having to watch around every corner in order not to bump in the couple of the century.

[UnforgivenII]

Thank you Pretty Woman

[Moselle]

Spare a thought for our replacements. The honeymoon will soon be over and the deep slow dark process of the manifestation this illness will begin.

At least we are out