I hate myself

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi BPD family,


and thank you for being here. Again.
Some of you may know my story. I started this relationship with a BPD on the last April. He broke up with me at the end of July in the most horrific way. I was on the verge of suicide and diagnosed with PTSD. I went on EMDR therapy. You know... .all the stuff. All wonderful, all horrific. You know.

I went NC but he ghosted me as well. It was just like I had been erased. I started a topic called "Erased" and many of you helped me then. You are all so wonderful.
Then he went back. On the 3rd of October. With an email full of wonderful words. I tried to resist, but I found him waiting for me outside the door. He hugged me. His hugs were the best. Untile they weren't.

I told him at the time: you put me on the verge of suicide. If you do this again, you know where you are bringing me. If you do this again, I will know you are a heartless sociopath.
he answered laughing "I am a sociopath."
You can bet he was.

I started telling lies. I never lie! UI have never lied in my life! But I had to lie to my adult daughter (28 yrs) because she told me "If he approaches you again I will take care of him myself." She was very angry. And so were my friends.
I had to keep it secret from everyone. My daughter! I lied to my daughter! I lied to my friends who love me and care for me!
My son, who lives with me, told me "He won't enter in this house unless he apologizes to ME." And he did. It was a strange scene. He did.

I lied even to dear friends I met on this board. I lied to Pjstock42. I was ashamed of myself. But I could not help it.

This time, I ended it. It was too much. This time he was not violent. He did not throw things or yell so much, just twice. But he stopped touching me at all. No hugs no sex no kisses. Nothing.
Nothing.
Continuous texts on his phone. We even met an old prostitute at the bus stop and they hugged each other profusely. And she looked at me and she laughed.
All his female friends all around all the time.
The last straw came when he told me "I am going to have lunch with V. I know it p... .you, but I will do it the same. I am free and I do not hide things from you.
He does not hide... .?
He hid LOTS of things from me. I discovered so many lies.
It was the last straw. I went NC.

As the stupid I am, I wrote him a "last email" last Saturday explaining him all the things he did. Of course he never answered. Of course I am erased again for daring to ask to be treated with respect.

And now I am here. Again. So deeply ashamed of myself.
I should have known better. I knew better.
Now I am not like I was last summer. But I am so sad.

So sad. Please help me. I am going on... .last summer I was unable to eat and sleep. Now I work, eat and sleep.
But, the sadness.

Sadly... .are you still here? I need to hear from you... .

Please help me. I am so ashamed of myself. So ashamed.

[UnforgivenII]

Hi BPD family,


and thank you for being here. Again.
Some of you may know my story. I started this relationship with a BPD on the last April. He broke up with me at the end of July in the most horrific way. I was on the verge of suicide and diagnosed with PTSD. I went on EMDR therapy. You know... .all the stuff. All wonderful, all horrific. You know.

I went NC but he ghosted me as well. It was just like I had been erased. I started a topic called "Erased" and many of you helped me then. You are all so wonderful.
Then he went back. On the 3rd of October. With an email full of wonderful words. I tried to resist, but I found him waiting for me outside the door. He hugged me. His hugs were the best. Untile they weren't.

I told him at the time: you put me on the verge of suicide. If you do this again, you know where you are bringing me. If you do this again, I will know you are a heartless sociopath.
he answered laughing "I am a sociopath."
You can bet he was.

I started telling lies. I never lie! UI have never lied in my life! But I had to lie to my adult daughter (28 yrs) because she told me "If he approaches you again I will take care of him myself." She was very angry. And so were my friends.
I had to keep it secret from everyone. My daughter! I lied to my daughter! I lied to my friends who love me and care for me!
My son, who lives with me, told me "He won't enter in this house unless he apologizes to ME." And he did. It was a strange scene. He did.

I lied even to dear friends I met on this board. I lied to Pjstock42. I was ashamed of myself. But I could not help it.

This time, I ended it. It was too much. This time he was not violent. He did not throw things or yell so much, just twice. But he stopped touching me at all. No hugs no sex no kisses. Nothing.
Nothing.
Continuous texts on his phone. We even met an old prostitute at the bus stop and they hugged each other profusely. And she looked at me and she laughed.
All his female friends all around all the time.
The last straw came when he told me "I am going to have lunch with V. I know it p... .you, but I will do it the same. I am free and I do not hide things from you.
He does not hide... .?
He hid LOTS of things from me. I discovered so many lies.
It was the last straw. I went NC.

As the stupid I am, I wrote him a "last email" last Saturday explaining him all the things he did. Of course he never answered. Of course I am erased again for daring to ask to be treated with respect.

And now I am here. Again. So deeply ashamed of myself.
I should have known better. I knew better.
Now I am not like I was last summer. But I am so sad.

So sad. Please help me. I am going on... .last summer I was unable to eat and sleep. Now I work, eat and sleep.
But, the sadness.

Sadly... .are you still here? I need to hear from you... .

Please help me. I am so ashamed of myself. So ashamed.

[MiserableMostly]

It's ok. We all want to go back. If my BPDex showed up at my door and hugged me I would go back in a heartbeat. Everyone goes back... .multiple times. The people who don't, it's mostly because they didn't have a choice. You did all the right things. You will be okay. This wasn't your fault. None of it is. We'd all go back if we could. And we'll do it enough times until we learn the lesson life is trying to teach us. Maybe you had to do it twice and get here. You showed great strength in ending this yourself this time. You are strong. Stronger than I was. Hold your head high knowing that you respect yourself enough to not be an relationship with a BPD. And move forward one day at a time.

[Sufficating]

Please don't be hard on yourself.  BPDs are master manipulators.  I took mine back after he strangled me... .twice.  Completely illogical.

[Swhitey]

I am so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. I think many of us have had similar experiences and MiserableMostly & Sufficating are right. A person with a BPD structure has learned to manipulate and exploit those who are susceptible to it. From what I have noticed is; People who are empathetic, have a high tolerance for emotional pain, and poor boundaries, are very attractive to a pwBPD (or Complex-PTSD, NPD, etc). This is their nature, and they have developed these skills unconsciously as a survival behavior.

I wish to relate to you and your situation, it feels like a very lonely and painful place to be. I made the mistake of going back to my pwBPD in January, expecting a change. I gave up a great apartment in a great location. Lost money on the deposit and rent. My friends and family were so excited to see me get out of this truly dysfunctional relationship only to be grossly disheartened/disappointed to learn that I made the decision to move back in with her on Dec. 30th. And now here I am 8weeks later and we have broken up again, the cycles re-appeared and nothing really changed. I needed to make this mistake to learn the lesson. It sounds to me like you also had to make this mistake to learn the lesson, and that is okay. It is not stupid to love and want to be loved, you deserve that. You did the very best you could and that is wonderful, please find pride in that.

The sting of shame cuts deep, real deep and is all encompassing of the self. I want to gently challenge that idea with being really, really (really) disappointed with your decision to get back together. We can do stupid things or make stupid decisions, but we are NOT stupid people. What if one of your children were in a similar situation? What would you say to them? Please try to treat yourself with the same kind of love you would show them if they were in the same predicament.

I feel and share your hurt, and your pain. You are not alone in this. Please be gentle with yourself.

[roberto516]

Hi BPD family,


and thank you for being here. Again.
Some of you may know my story. I started this relationship with a BPD on the last April. He broke up with me at the end of July in the most horrific way. I was on the verge of suicide and diagnosed with PTSD. I went on EMDR therapy. You know... .all the stuff. All wonderful, all horrific. You know.

I went NC but he ghosted me as well. It was just like I had been erased. I started a topic called "Erased" and many of you helped me then. You are all so wonderful.
Then he went back. On the 3rd of October. With an email full of wonderful words. I tried to resist, but I found him waiting for me outside the door. He hugged me. His hugs were the best. Untile they weren't.

I told him at the time: you put me on the verge of suicide. If you do this again, you know where you are bringing me. If you do this again, I will know you are a heartless sociopath.
he answered laughing "I am a sociopath."
You can bet he was.

I started telling lies. I never lie! UI have never lied in my life! But I had to lie to my adult daughter (28 yrs) because she told me "If he approaches you again I will take care of him myself." She was very angry. And so were my friends.
I had to keep it secret from everyone. My daughter! I lied to my daughter! I lied to my friends who love me and care for me!
My son, who lives with me, told me "He won't enter in this house unless he apologizes to ME." And he did. It was a strange scene. He did.

I lied even to dear friends I met on this board. I lied to Pjstock42. I was ashamed of myself. But I could not help it.

This time, I ended it. It was too much. This time he was not violent. He did not throw things or yell so much, just twice. But he stopped touching me at all. No hugs no sex no kisses. Nothing.
Nothing.
Continuous texts on his phone. We even met an old prostitute at the bus stop and they hugged each other profusely. And she looked at me and she laughed.
All his female friends all around all the time.
The last straw came when he told me "I am going to have lunch with V. I know it p... .you, but I will do it the same. I am free and I do not hide things from you.
He does not hide... .?
He hid LOTS of things from me. I discovered so many lies.
It was the last straw. I went NC.

As the stupid I am, I wrote him a "last email" last Saturday explaining him all the things he did. Of course he never answered. Of course I am erased again for daring to ask to be treated with respect.

And now I am here. Again. So deeply ashamed of myself.
I should have known better. I knew better.
Now I am not like I was last summer. But I am so sad.

So sad. Please help me. I am going on... .last summer I was unable to eat and sleep. Now I work, eat and sleep.
But, the sadness.

Sadly... .are you still here? I need to hear from you... .

Please help me. I am so ashamed of myself. So ashamed.

I'm so sorry for the pain  If you ever wish to talk over PM or vent I can lend an ear. I think that's what we are to do here. Offer real and genuine support. It's so funny how I was the one who ended up writing the sweet emails to get her back. But it always started because I brought up my hurts. So I'd have to end up apologizing to her because she manipulated it back onto me. And now I've been the one the past 3 weeks begging to see each other. Well she wanted me to get her drugs twice and that's when she wanted to see me. Solely because she needed something from me. She makes me feel like i'm the one with borderline traits.

It does suck. I'm done with her. But I still miss her terribly. I'd take her back right now probably. But it's gonna get better for all of us. I promise. I can see the strength in others, as I'm sure you can too, but we just need to keep strong. I see the strength in you already. You are in the awesome position of telling him "NO". Not like I really need it, but I'd love to be in that position again. To beg and plead only to be rejected just makes me feel even worse about myself. Take pride in what you're doing. By walking away you have validated yourself. Don't lose sight of that!

[Pretty Woman]

Unforgiven,
   I was in the same situation you were in. It's like we are the same person.

You need to forgive yourself. These relationships are so chaotic, so loaded we do not behave like our normal selves.  I lied to so many people I loved because they hated my ex. They were seeing her for who she was. I was trying to see the "good in her" which did not exist. It was all a façade.

You can tell a sociopath they are a sociopath and they will wear it like a badge of honor. Once you call them out, once they realize you know WHO they really are, it's never the same. They will manipulate you back in to get "revenge".

You need to forgive anything you did in this relationship. You are human. To err is human. The people that truly love you will forgive you. In many situations it's not even about forgiveness, they are just grateful you are rid of this emotionally draining succubus.

It took over 13 breakups, all initiated by my ex (while she'd cheat with others) to finally get to the point I was done.

All this ends once YOU are done. It has nothing to do with him leaving. It's when you are emotionally ready to cut that cord.

Remember when life was not filled with this drama? Remember how great that was?

It's still there and you CAN have it. It's time to pull the focus off the sociopath. He will NEVER be anything other than what he has shown you.

Now it's time to focus on FORGIVEN which is what I am going to call you from this point on. You are forgiven for everything.

This is my virtual hug to you... ..  You got this.


PW
 

[Sadly]

Hello love
You are a daftie   . You don't need to ask for forgiveness here. We have all lied at some point, to friends and family, usually out of shame, to our partners usually out of fear of reprisal but most often to ourselves. It's a normal human reaction for those in relationships with PWBPD and nothing to be ashamed of.
Something I have come to realise with 100% certainty is regardless of how long it takes everyone who posts here will one day be free. 100% We may be older and wiser battered and worn but we will be free.
Life is a constant battle. There are times you need to run and hide but sometimes you have to stand and face the music, even if you don't like the tune. We will all arrive at this point sooner or later I know this. I too went back so many times, I believed him and in him, loved with all my heart, thinking that would be enough. I even went back when I didn't believe him or in him anymore, what was all that about? I so nearly took my own life. When I write/ read those words I cringe. My own precious life, almost ended, gone and when you think how short our time is on this beautiful earth what an awful waste of a loving human being that would have been. I have got past so much and you will too. I still love my man, I always will, the other side of him. I hate his illness, the dark lost lonely confusion that he lives with permanently that turns him into a cruel monsterous bully, I don't hate him. Don't be afraid, we all have the strength in ourselves to one day dance to our own tune, believe that my love and it will happen I promise you.
Love from
Sadly   x

[roberto516]

Hello love
You are a daftie   . You don't need to ask for forgiveness here. We have all lied at some point, to friends and family, usually out of shame, to our partners usually out of fear of reprisal but most often to ourselves. It's a normal human reaction for those in relationships with PWBPD and nothing to be ashamed of.
Something I have come to realise with 100% certainty is regardless of how long it takes everyone who posts here will one day be free. 100% We may be older and wiser battered and worn but we will be free.
Life is a constant battle. There are times you need to run and hide but sometimes you have to stand and face the music, even if you don't like the tune. We will all arrive at this point sooner or later I know this. I too went back so many times, I believed him and in him, loved with all my heart, thinking that would be enough. I even went back when I didn't believe him or in him anymore, what was all that about? I so nearly took my own life. When I write/ read those words I cringe. My own precious life, almost ended, gone and when you think how short our time is on this beautiful earth what an awful waste of a loving human being that would have been. I have got past so much and you will too. I still love my man, I always will, the other side of him. I hate his illness, the dark lost lonely confusion that he lives with permanently that turns him into a cruel monsterous bully, I don't hate him. Don't be afraid, we all have the strength in ourselves to one day dance to our own tune, believe that my love and it will happen I promise you.
Love from
Sadly   x

Thanks sadly. For such an amazing message your name doesn't equate That's the message I know I need to remind myself of daily. Look at what we have all come through in life. Not just these damaging relationships. But life in general. And we are all still here. And I can see by this site alone that we are all caring people. Have we strayed and said mean things? I have. Have we lied? I have. But I'm here trying to help myself and be vulnerable while helping others. This in and of itself I would have never found if this horrible stuff didn't happen. And if I have to find a positive (among so many since it has ended) this is definitely one of them. The key is to keep focusing on the positives. I know I'm gonna try. Thanks again!

[Sadly]

Thanks R
Funny, I wrote here once that one day I would come back here and change my name but I don't think I will. It belongs to one of the strangest most painful few years of my life and serves its place in my history  . I picked it during the awful bewildering period when my beautiful loving relationship was disintegrating around me, I knew nothing of BPD then and was sat on the beach in the early hours of the morning lonely and devastated. I remember thinking, "how Sadly I live my life now". I am not that person now, I have grown, I still get very very sad and miss my love but I don't live 24/7 Sadly anymore.
Love from
Sadly x

[UnforgivenII]

I took mine back after he strangled me... .twice.  Completely illogical.

My God. You know, once I looked at him and I thought... .it was a very clear thought. It was "He could kill me." This is why your post touched me. How are you now? You have been lucky to escape. And brave.

[UnforgivenII]

If my BPDex showed up at my door and hugged me I would go back in a heartbeat. ... .Maybe you had to do it twice and get here. 

Thank you so much. Your words helped me a lot.

[UnforgivenII]

It is not stupid to love and want to be loved, you deserve that.

I feel and share your hurt, and your pain. You are not alone in this. Please be gentle with yourself.

You deserve that too. Thank you so much for your words... .I am trying to be gentle with myself. I did a stupid thing. I bought a teddy bear. Can you believe it? But I felt so alone and it seemed a nice idea :-)) I am stupid I know

[UnforgivenII]

" Take pride in what you're doing. By walking away you have validated yourself. Don't lose sight of that!

Thank you Roberto. You know, it helps to know I did not beg. But I would want to beg. But I will not. And here I am for you too, whenver you need to talk. I feel your pain. I know how much it hurts. I stopped living some months ago. Now, the pain has taken a different shape... .

[UnforgivenII]

Now it's time to focus on FORGIVEN which is what I am going to call you from this point on. You are forgiven for everything.

This is my virtual hug to you... ..  You got this.


PW
 

You made me cry!
Pretty Woman, you are an amazing person and you must have loved in an amazing way. Shame to her, she did not appreciate you!
I am so deeply grateful for your words. Please remember you are wonderful.

[UnforgivenII]

Hello love
You are a daftie   . You don't need to ask for forgiveness here. We have all lied at some point, to friends and family, usually out of shame, to our partners usually out of fear of reprisal but most often to ourselves. It's a normal human reaction for those in relationships with PWBPD and nothing to be ashamed of.
Something I have come to realise with 100% certainty is regardless of how long it takes everyone who posts here will one day be free. 100% We may be older and wiser battered and worn but we will be free.
Life is a constant battle. There are times you need to run and hide but sometimes you have to stand and face the music, even if you don't like the tune. We will all arrive at this point sooner or later I know this. I too went back so many times, I believed him and in him, loved with all my heart, thinking that would be enough. I even went back when I didn't believe him or in him anymore, what was all that about? I so nearly took my own life. When I write/ read those words I cringe. My own precious life, almost ended, gone and when you think how short our time is on this beautiful earth what an awful waste of a loving human being that would have been. I have got past so much and you will too. I still love my man, I always will, the other side of him. I hate his illness, the dark lost lonely confusion that he lives with permanently that turns him into a cruel monsterous bully, I don't hate him. Don't be afraid, we all have the strength in ourselves to one day dance to our own tune, believe that my love and it will happen I promise you.
Love from
Sadly   x

I thought about you a lot in these months far from the board. I just feel we loved in a similar way and your feelings... .you have always been able to express them better than me. I still have this immense love. And this huge sadness. I just hope, in a senseless way, that my love will resonate sometimes, somehow, in him, one day.

[roberto516]

Thank you Roberto. You know, it helps to know I did not beg. But I would want to beg. But I will not. And here I am for you too, whenver you need to talk. I feel your pain. I know how much it hurts. I stopped living some months ago. Now, the pain has taken a different shape... .

You're welcome I still feel bad sometimes that I begged and that I raged on her with some really mean words. But I struggled with the rejection after all that I had sacrificed. We'd have arguments where I'd raise my voice, but I never called her names or anything. And then I guess I saw red when she so callously told me she was done with me. I went into rage mode, guilt mode, and then begging mode. It was an evil cycle. But had I remained calm we'd probably be together, and I'd be sitting on the couch tonight at 8:30 while she slept wondering "How am I going to get out of this?"

[UnforgivenII]

Roberto, it may help you to know that the first time he dumped me I begged. A lot. I was literally on my knees.

Then he went back. And now I came to the conclusion it was just too much to endure.
Their rejection is just like them. Volatile and unpredictable. And void of substance, I may add.

Our rejection is a bit more solid than theirs. Or at least I hope so 

[anothercasualty]

Hello love
You don't need to ask for forgiveness here. We have all lied at some point, to friends and family, usually out of shame, to our partners usually out of fear of reprisal but most often to ourselves.

Ain't that the truth. I know I have been less than honest with my friends about contact with my ex.