Another rage from uBPD mother

[Methuen]

It happened.

T has repeatedly told H and I at therapy, that when mom is especially emotionally vulnerable, I should not be alone with her.

Yesterday at work, H  texted me and asked if I could drive mom to an appointment which was rescheduled on short notice to this morning (H would be at work and couldn't take her).

I said yes.  That's on me.  I'm just so used to taking her to these appointments (habit).

Last night she attacked my H over the phone because he didn't congratulate her for arranging to have her driveway sanded.  In 33 years of marriage, that was the first time she attacked my H with her mood disorder (rage).  On a scale of what I'm used to enduring, it was maybe a 1/10, but he was taken aback at how she twisted things, and attacked him.  I saw his jaw drop several times as he was trying to take in what was happening.  In that kind of attack, it's hard to think fast enough.  A person is just in shock (the first time it happens).

So.  I didn't sleep well, knowing she was dysregulated, and I had to take her to an appointment this morning (H is at work).  I just "knew".

When the opthalmologist assessed mom, and determined the existing course of action was working for her eye sight, and should be continued, mom started arguing with her. That wasn't what mom wanted to hear.  She had already decided she was going to get 1 less dose per day.  In an emotional and angry voice, she said to the doctor, "you don't know what it's like for me having people come into my house 4 times a day.  I have no privacy!"  Wouldn't most people be grateful that home care comes right to your house to give your meds?  Right?  I mean, this service helps her to stay in her own home, and keep what eyesight she has left with her macular degeneration.  So, do the professionals (eg. today's opthalmologist) really not see the mental health issues?  I guess they are just so busy, that when it comes to complicated people, they cut their losses.   I asked mom if she understood the risk for getting 1 less dose.  She said yes.  I asked her what the risk was.  She didn't know.  I wanted a record in front of a medical professional that mom didn't understand the consequences of her decision.  The Dr said 3X a day would be fine.  That was after she had explained why 4 times a day was necessary.

When the office was booking her next appointment before we left, they asked her if she wanted a Thursday or Friday appointment.  She said Friday because I could drive her.  I reminded her I had a new job, so I might not be available to do that.  For a "non", it would be "ok no problem.  I'll find someone else to help".

On the way back to the car for the return drive to her house, the rage started.  There was no way to walk away and say "good bye", because I had to drive her home, help her get safely inside her house, and give her the next dose of drops.  I could hardly walk away from my 85 year old mother with a walker and leave her alone in the parking lot.

Mom (emotional shaking voice, attack mode)
"I never had a career because I stayed home to look after you."

"I babysat your kids!"  12 years!  (...actually we put them in daycare for work, but she did spend a lot of time with our kids when they were small)

"You are selfish.  You only think about yourself!"

"You don't have your priorities right!"

"I'm cutting you out of the Will".

"You don't love me".  

"Get the hell out of here" (screaming).  This got repeated quite a few times.

Me: (as I was giving her the eye drops) I responded calmly, by telling her I could see she was upset, and I was sad that she was so angry with me because I had a new job.  As I was leaving, I reminded her she had lots of friends who have helped her in the past.  Mom:(screaming) "My friends are all in their 80's and 90'!"  Funny thing, is she has no problem obligating them to do tasks for her, such as take out her recycling or garbage, cut her pills in half, sort her daily/weekly pill box (she refuses to have the pharmacy do blister packs for her), mail her letters, do errands in town for her, or drive her to appointments when I can't... I suspect I'm not the only person she has worn down.

Mom (in a sarcastic screechy childish voice): "job job job".  "That's all you care about!"

"You just want me stuck in a home!"

I recorded the whole conversation on my phone from the time we entered the car to the time I left her house.  

She was so intensely emotional. So hateful.  So vengeful.  So attacking.  It made the disease so visible.  The head of the snake.

I knew it was coming.  H and I have been her lifeline for almost 20 years, since my dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness.  We are the reason she is still in her home all these years later.  Without us, I don't know what would come of her.  But her needs now exceed what I can deliver indefinitely.  And they just keep increasing.  She is currently refusing to take her new" Parkinson meds. "I don't have Parkinson's! It's just old age!"  Just this week she refused the annual "assessment" for elderly services (she's already had two in the previous years).  I just can't do it anymore.  Especially because no matter how much you do, it never fills her void.  It's never enough, probably because she doesn't feel worthy or lovable, and that void just isn't fillable.  It's a void.

In taking a new job, I am no longer at her disposal to be used as she needs me.

She can't understand "how I could do this to her, when she was a stay at home mother to look after me".  

Mom found her next gear in her rage, and I said "I love you mom.  We can talk more about rides to your eye appointment when you are feeling better.  I have to go now".  I closed the door behind me.  She opened it again, and screamed at me "I'm going to have a stroke because of you!"

I'm not angry.  I'm not frustrated.  I'm not crying.  I'm not really feeling anything. Is this numbness?  I knew this time would come.  My not being available to her needs = not loving her = cutting from the Will. Her revenge.

It's not about the money.  It's about the hate and revenge that comes from this person called a mother.

[Notwendy]

 

I am so sorry. You know we have all been there too. It takes me a long time to compose myself after these rages. I don't sleep well after them.

Take a long warm bath- with Epson salts and just soak in there. Sometimes I take a shower and imagine the emotions going down the drain. Watch something lighthearted on TV ( not the news!). Be good to yourself. This is emotional vomit on her part.

I've been disowned, reowned, I don't care. It's interesting you mentioned the head of the snake. I've referred to my mother's rages as being yelled at by Medusa- and I don't know what head is going to yell at me next.

And she says the meanest and most hurtful thing. As you recall, I visited her a while back- making the effort, both in time and expense, and even hosting a get together for all of us with family and friends while I was there. And she got angry at me. All she said when I left was how much I upset her. If that's the result, then it would be a lot easier for me to not have visited at all.

But she forgot about it, and your mother will too. Once she's released her emotions, she feels better. You don't, but she does, and it will all be as if it didn't happen.

[Methuen]

IDK NW.  

The difference is that mother isn't coping with "daily life".  She isn't cooking for herself anymore.  She doesn't eat properly.  She has refused meals on wheels in the past.  She can't solve even the tiniest little problem on her own.  If her ipad goes blank, she calls us.

Now I've taken her crutch away (ME - because I'm going back to work).

So what's she gonna do?

Nervous breakdown?

She has told me as a figure of speech many times over the years that "she would commit suicide before she goes into a home".  I would record her threat to play to a doctor, but she often spews these things out before I know they're coming, and I miss my chance to record it.  

I suspect that going into assisted living would be embarrassing for her.  Shameful.  But it's been OK that her favourite sister has been in assisted living for many years.  She doesn't judge that sister's children either.  

I don't see how she can "get over" this, because we don't see that she can function in daily life without our support.  So I doubt she can forget about it.  I would love to be wrong, and for you to be right.  

She's burned us out.  Since she won't accept help in her home, I don't see what her options are (beyond us).  She is a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Just unbelievable.

[zachira]

You knew that taking a definite stand against your mother's demands by getting a thirty hour week job would lead to her having some terrible meltdowns and attacking you, yet you did not know how bad it would be and you knew it would likely be worse than anything you have experienced before. You handled yourself beautifully which does not take away from the hurt of being so badly mistreated and unappreciated. The attacks can't probably get worse than this one. I believe I am hearing some new found confidence in you and I see you becoming more skilled in not taking on you mother's dysregulated emotions which likely makes her more angry and determined to increase her meanness. It sounds like you are going to keep feeling better as your mother continues to feel worse.

[Methuen]

I took your advice NW, and was in a lavender epsom salt bath (1st time ever with epsom salts) when H came home from work.  It did feel good. Thanks for the suggestion.

I have some good news.  My good news is that I am ok.  After it happened and I got back home, I sat down here to recount and process the event.  Then I went to have my bath.  Then H came home, and listened to the recording of the event which I had on my phone.  He stated that he could not believe how well I handled my mom.  I had remained calm.  I never took any bait.  I tried to validate when it was appropriate.  I told her a few different times that I loved her (mom: "no you don't!" ) And I told her we would talk about it more when she was feeling better, and I hoped she was feeling better tomorrow.  In H's words, she tried to throw everything she had at me, and I had a kevlar vest on.  He said that must have confounded her because she never got a reaction.

We had a good talk about things, and I'm ok.  So far.  We'll see what happens next.  The ball is in her court.

When H heard the recording, he said this rage wasn't as bad as the only one he has ever been witness to in our 33 years together.  That was about 2 1/2 years ago, and she was stronger then.  She was still walking, and driving, and being active with friends and crafts.  She is weak now.  She can't walk.  She can't drive.  She can't do crafts any more with her Parkinson's (which she refuses to take the prescribed medication for).  He thinks she was much worse before.  I thought maybe it was because I stayed calm.  He said it was because she is too weak to be physical, like walking away, waving her arms, and slamming doors (it shook our house when she did that).  She got a little physical with me today when I tried to hug her (she pushed me away forcefully with two hands).  But at least she didn't lose her balance after pushing me.

I wondered if it was numbness I was feeling.  Maybe being non-emotional is my new shield with her.  H called it a kevlar vest.  I like that. Whatever it is, despite what happened, I'm feeling ok at the moment. 

Thought I should report some good news, since we're so often on here about the bad stuff.

[Methuen]

I see you becoming more skilled in not taking on you mother's dysregulated emotions which likely makes her more angry and determined to increase her meanness. It sounds like you are going to keep feeling better as your mother continues to feel worse.

Thanks for this Zachira.  It's encouraging.  I see progress in myself at being non-reactive to her.  H heard it in the recording.  I get your point, and your putting it in words like that gives me a new goal to strive for.  "Feeling better".  

[Turkish]

Numbness or "Kevlar vest," you did well, additionally validated by your husband. My mom used to accuse me of wanting to stick her in a home 20 years ago in her 60s. That's because I offered to pay her property taxes if she'd put me on the title to her 5 acres of mountain property. Idid help with that and she later denied that I gave her anything in front of the ladies at the county accessors desk when I drove her 120 miles to make a payment (I was accused of other not nice things when i suggested we could do it online).

I was cringing while reading what you went through. You did very well. Good on your defense in the moment, healing can come later...

My mom used to tell me that she rather "die on the hill" as opposed to going into a home. I could sympathize, but a cold, lonely and broken death didn't sound appealing. The final time she had to call EMS was the legal trigger for Adult Protective Services to remove her and rehome her in a strip motel that took long term residents (it was in a small town and by a creek, not a bad place).

I was out of it by then. She lasted almost a year their until more EMS incidents were the trigger for APS to place her in a home.

She tossed the will her husband had written to leave me two properties, so I got no inheritance (a few hundred thousand $ which was his intent). At least she didn't hang that over my head like your mom is doing   that's just cruel, but think of it like this: it's desperation on her part. That has nothing to do with you.

[Goldcrest]

You are doing brilliantly, taking that new job shows a will to separate from her. There is space between you and her madness.

Keep holding yourself and observing your emotions around this. I find I start to buckle when the anger subsides so I work hard to stay in observer mode. Remind yourself you are damned if you do, damned if you don't. You could give her 24 hour a day care and you would still wouldn't be enough for her.

My mother loves to say that my dad knew we would try to put her in an asylum once he was gone. Revolting.

[GaGrl]

I remember the point where I said, "From this point on, my job is to help her die with dignity."

I'm not sure your mother will allow you to do that, Methuen. She is a pretty severe case of PD.

What can you do, within what she allows, to help her journey with dignity?

If nothing, you may need to admit that.

[Notwendy]

One difference Methuen is that my mother wants people to do things for her, so she accepts the home health workers- even to do things for her she could do for herself- she prefers that others do them for her. She likes to be "served" by others. When I do visit, she likes that I do these things. She doesn't cook- I get the food and make the meals. I don't mind doing it when I visit, but I also have a job and would not be available to do them. Her helpers do this for her otherwise.

Recently as you know, we had the "I don't want you to move near me" discussion and the result was a stream of mean and hurtful replies. I know it hurts their feelings on some level- and I know we don't want to do that, but saying "no" to any requests results in this, and even if we complied with every request- which would be an unreasonable expectation on their part-the dynamics are still there- the abusive dynamics.

[Methuen]

NotWendy, our mothers seem similar in wanting others to do things for them.  But for some reason my mother is very controlling about who that can be.  Imagine concentric circles.  The circle in the middle is biggest.  There’s only two circles outside of that, and they have a thin skinned radius outside the large inner circle, which represents me. Thats because she maneuvers to get me to do everything for her.  I have had to put up so many boundaries the last couple of years just to survive.  The next circle is my H. The last circle is her friends.  There are no more circles.  She needs to control who is allowed in these circles. Having home care come into her home seems to be driving her insane.  Stopping that is more important than getting her meds and keeping her eye sight. It’s irrational.  It’s also outside of her control (because home care was arranged for her when H, her friends and myself couldn’t keep u the regimen of giving drops 4X a day indefinitely), and she can’t handle this emotionally.  I think she’s more stressed now than she’s been at any other point in her entire life. Including when she was my father’s caretaker and through the dying phase.  And so as you called it, that emotional vomit comes out on me.

I know it hurts their feelings on some level- and I know we don't want to do that, but saying "no" to any requests results in this, and even if we complied with every request- which would be an unreasonable expectation on their part-the dynamics are still there]- the abusive dynamics.

You did the right thing in saying no to your mom.  I am saying this, so that anyone else reading this can gather strength from our stories, and use our experience to guide  and inform their decisions in the future.  I would never tell someone not to move their mother closer to them.  People have different reasons for making their own decisions.  I would just say have your eyes open to the worst case scenario, and be aware of how it will impact you.  

I remember the point where I said, "From this point on, my job is to help her die with dignity."

I'm not sure your mother will allow you to do that, Methuen. She is a pretty severe case of PD.

What can you do, within what she allows, to help her journey with dignity?

If nothing, you may need to admit that.

I wholly accept this, and agree.  

[Methuen]

My mom used to tell me that she rather "die on the hill" as opposed to going into a home. I could sympathize, but a cold, lonely and broken death didn't sound appealing..

Yup, our moms sound similar in this respect.

My mom is probably going to be one of those mean abusive ones that needs medicating if she ends up in long term care.  Not what I would wish for her.  She could be living a good life in assisted living, and enjoying having people around her.  She’s always been a social butterfly.

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement Turkish.  I appreciate that.

I am truly sorry for all you went through, and for all your losses.

[Notwendy]

A few years ago, BPD mother decided to visit for a family event. I got so anxious and panicked over this. If I visit her, I can set the schedule- when I arrive and when I leave. I realized that I need that kind of control for my own peace of mind.

When she even brought up the idea of moving near me, I felt anxious. Saying no to her was difficult. My voice was trembling. I was near tears, and the mean nasty anger was just spewing out. Even if she's on her good behavior- I know it's an act, I know it's because she wants something from me and she's being nice to get me to agree with it. Nothing from her is gratuitous. There's something she wants, which she keeps hidden as she elicits an agreement somehow. So as hard as it is to say no, I realize I need the distance from her- because she pushes any boundaries.

Methuen, even when you meet all your mother's needs, it doesn't stop her emotionally abusive behavior. In addition, you are not her medical provider. She needs professional assistance. I hope she decides to agree to that, as you can not be that for her.

[Riv3rW0lf]

I'm not angry.  I'm not frustrated.  I'm not crying.  I'm not really feeling anything. Is this numbness?  I knew this time would come.  My not being available to her needs = not loving her = cutting from the Will. Her revenge.

It's not about the money.  It's about the hate and revenge that comes from this person called a mother.

I agree with your husband about the kevlar vest actually. The fact that you were still able to validate her and tell her you loved her. I mean... That shows a lot of healthy detachment and it takes a strong sense of self.

So I am just checking in to give you a hug. And I think the will thing... For all you know, it might be untrue or already done many years ago. Didn't a user here say that once? That he cared for his mother and found out she had changed her will even before they had fought?

I know it's not about the money, but the intent that hurt more. But then... It cannot be worst than that, can it? It can be a relief, in a way, to finally "reach that stage".

I also agree that she will forget what she said, and that you won't. So again : I want to recognize your strength again, your patience and your love.

Big hug Methuen

[Notwendy]

My mother is very controlling as well- it's been both concerning and a bit validating to see her do the same drama with her home health helpers as she does with me. She's critical and finds fault in them and what they do. Many of them quit or she fires them after painting them black. The sure way to have her do that is to not completely obey her. This means if they ask her to take her medicine at a certain time and she doesn't want to do it, they become the worst helper ever.

If one of them is painted white to her, then that is the only one she wants, until that person does some minor thing that then tips the scale.

Somewhere along the line she got the idea of "elder abuse" and any time she isn't happy with them she claims this. This is another reason I won't have a part in her care. I don't trust her to not make this accusation if she got angry at me for something minor. She also doesn't listen to me at all- if I ask her to do something, even if it is for her benefit, she won't do it, just to show me I can't tell her what to do. Her idea of "helping her" is her being in command.

She refuses assisted living because there, they have rules and she has less control. She has more control if she has help at home and she can control them. Although she is a social person too- it's on her terms. Unlike your mother who might thrive in an assisted living setting, my mother would likely be asked to leave for non compliance with community rules.

[Notwendy]

Methuen, I am glad you got some positive feedback from your H. I think the "force field" idea helps.
Sometimes we don't see our own progress. Yet, even if we "handle this well" it's not easy. I also have a recording of the "no I don't want you to move near me" conversation and my voice is trembling when I reply to her. She then goes on the verbal attack- stern, and cold. I resisted replying to that, but from the voice, one can hear it wasn't easy. I will say - it gets better with practice, but I think it's a challenge because we do care.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Just my two cents here... Ironically, my uBPDm had a nursing home (she sold them both a couple years ago) and I worked there for 6 years. I think it met her rescuer side...

I don't know of any person, BPD or not, that wanted to go into a nursing home. Most people, especially those generation, want to leave their house "feet first".

I also don't think anyone really has a feeling of thriving. Getting old isn't easy. But most of them realize that it just isn't that bad. Just got to find the right place.

What it all comes down to is safety. That's it. When it isn't safe to have someone live by themselves, then a nursing home should be considered. But then, if the person doesn't come to their sense, and when the government, healthcare workers, doctors don't care enough to support the main caregiver of reluctant elders... Then there is not much to be done.

We live in a society that extend life beyond what is, in my own opinion, healthy. I've seen 80+ years old people go through chemotherapy, or open heart surgery... Most of those people won't even recover from those procedures. It is mind blowing for me... I think, as a society, we have to come to peace with death at some point. But that is another debate...

I think it was smart to record her temper. Maybe it will help in getting right of attorney and other legal power, to maybe... Force her into a nursing home, or at the very least, force home services to her house without her being able to cancel them. Like you said, now is the time to just help her go with a maximum of dignity.

[Notwendy]

I agree that we should keep in mind this happens with non disordered families too. My H's mother does not have BPD and insisted that only family help with her and we did, until her needs were so much that it became unsustainable. She'd go without a meal rather than allow outside help. She eventually did go to a nursing home where her appetite increased, she kept her weight up, and people could visit her. Still, it wasn't her first choice.

I have friends who did work this out with their parents, until it got to the point where safety was a concern. Some had space in their homes and this worked until the parent would struggle with dementia and be found wandering down the street. Yes, the parents may have had challenging behaviors but there wasn't a long history of difficult behaviors- it was a loving relationship. In some situations, the parents would contribute their resources, allowing the children to fix up a space for them.

Eventually though, the main reason for choosing a nursing home was safety- the parent needed constant supervision, beyond what their family could provide. However, it seems there was some cooperation between parent and child while the children were helping and they continued to visit and assist when the parent was in a nursing home- bringing clothing, favorite treats.

Assisting was a challenge, but it was also with some connection between the two. I don't see where it was abusive as in the case of our parents. When I tried to help my parents, they were emotionally and verbally abusive. When I helped my mother in law, she did get frustrated and irritable. She even snapped at me a few times. But this wasn't her usual self - I knew it was frustration at not being able to do these things for herself. There was love there.



 

[Methuen]

She then goes on the verbal attack- stern, and cold.

wow this was interesting to me.  I’m fascinated by this description.  Maybe I’m misreading this but stern and cold to me suggests she had some self control.  Cruel, hateful, veangeful,  but still in control.  Am I reading that accurately, or am I way off base?

My mother, looks, sounds, and feels to me like she crosses the boundary into temporary insanilty.  She wholly and completely loses control, and anger takes over.  When I was growing up, there was a famous family story about her father klling the family cow in one of his rages.  It was the cow that provided the milk and cream for their large family.  That is another whole level of rage.  Mother  has that kind of emotional loss of control, but without killing things.  Instead its her toxic angry hateful and vengeful attacking words on me.  

Physically she is so frail.  A wisp of a thing with white hair, all bent over, even with her walker.  The rest of the world just sees a charming little old lady.

I’m glad I have it recorded.  Its evidence of the abuse.  It validates that it’s not in my head.  It confirms that its her and not me.

I played it for my T yesterday.  It was about 10 min long (cs I didn’t get it all recorded).  Its so long because we were in the car driving her home from her appointment.  She acknowledged my kevlar vest approach.  Said I had done well, but should have left earlier.  Her first comment was how completely irrational mom was.

The irony is that i did exit her house at an appropriate time, but when I got back to the car, I saw that in the mayhem she had forgotten her cane beside the console.  Classic.  So I took her cane inside and she just picked up right where she had left off.  I didn’t close the door because she said something reckless like “might as well commit suicide” and I was fumbling with my phone to get it recorded.  I missed that comment.

I ramble.  My point in all this, is that if your mom is “cold and stern” but not acting like an insane out of control person, I think that would be worse for so many reasons.  A person who treats you like that but is still in control,  suggests a level of intent.  My mom loses complete control.  I don’t know if there’s intent, she just can’t help herself because she has zero emotional regulation.  The intent - that’s scary.  No wonder your voice shakes.  Or maybe I’ve read that wrong, and I’m sorry if I have. 

At any rate, no wonder you keep a safe distance from her physically and emotionally.  Thank goodness she isn’t moving closer to you. 

[Notwendy]

Methuen, there are times my mother is in a wild rage where it appears she is out of control. Other times, she is deliberately calculating and in control. She's even appeared proud of being able to manipulate people and has bragged about it "I really pulled the wool over their eyes". She has a "gotcha" smile when she knows she has set me up and I fell for it. She deliberately lies to either manipulate you, or set you up to get something she wants. I don't believe a word she says to me, as I can't tell what is true and what isn't. She will also flat out deny something she did, even if it was in plain sight and I have evidence of it.

When she's angry at me, she knows exactly how to be hurtful. Since I don't reveal anything I am emotionally invested in anymore, it's more of a challenge to her. So she goes to the obvious and brings up something about my father. She knows that I am not attached to her. I don't care if she likes me or not. But I did care about him. So her default is to say what a terrible daughter I was to him. ( not true- but she had painted me black to him before he died). She was angry at me when he died and so, she didn't allow me to have anything sentimental of his. This was calculating and on purpose.

I admit it shocked me that she would go to this extreme, but once she did, I know now that she will and this is also why I don't want her to be physically near me. Why I am still in contact with her really comes down to me not wanting to cut contact in her elder years as I'd have difficulty doing that.

I know that to her, I'm just something to be used. I don't have any illusions about that. She's cold to me, there's no affection from her, and at this point, I don't show much either but I do not treat her poorly- I don't want to do that- from my own value standpoint.

She has classic BPD behavior and so that is her main diagnosis. But these PD's can overlap. She has a strong narcissistic side to her. She believes the rules don't apply to her and enjoys manipulating people. She fosters friendships with people she can manipulate and her social persona is an act. This is why I believe she would be asked to leave an assisted living and not cooperate.

She also can be calculatingly cruel- and has no empathy. For this, I have also suspected she has sociopathic tendencies. She would not go to the point of criminal behavior, but one can still be a psychopath and not a criminal. Her lying, calculated cruelty, and enjoyment of manipulating people are beyond just BPD.

[Methuen]

Just my two cents here... Ironically, my uBPDm had a nursing home (she sold them both a couple years ago) and I worked there for 6 years.

Holy.  Just holy.  My mom had a rescuer side when she was younger too.  She was a nurse trained back in the 1950’s.  She never worked much as a nurse.  She blames me for that.  Says she sacrificed working to stay home and look after me.  She told me my “priorities aren’t right” because istead of looking after her now “when she really needs me” I’m going back to work.  I ramble.  It’s both surprising and not surprising that your mom ran a nursing  home.

What it all comes down to is safety. That's it. When it isn't safe to have someone live by themselves, then a nursing home should be considered.

I asked my T yesterday about my mom, her safety, a nursing home, and competence.  She exhaled long and slow.  She said she shouldn’t be living alone.  But, the way our system works, she still has competence to make her own decisions. When she becomes a danger to herself, that’s the line in the sand.  I think she’s already a danger to herself, but the system doesn’t.  Until she threatens suicide, there’s not much to be done.  If she does, we’ll call an ambulance to get it on record.

We live in a society that extend life beyond what is, in my own opinion, healthy. I've seen 80+ years old people go through chemotherapy, or open heart surgery... Most of those people won't even recover from those procedures. It is mind blowing for me... I think, as a society, we have to come to peace with death at some point.

I’m of the same mind.  Where I live, we have something called DNR do not resuscitate.  But it has to be initiated by the patient.  In our culture, we fear death. There are cultures that handle it differently.

[Methuen]

She's even appeared proud of being able to manipulate people and has bragged about it "I really pulled the wool over their eyes". She has a "gotcha" smile when she knows she has set me up and I fell for it. She deliberately lies to either manipulate you, or set you up to get something she wants. I don't believe a word she says to me, as I can't tell what is true and what isn't. She will also flat out deny something she did, even if it was in plain sight and I have evidence of it.

Our mums are like cookies from the same cutter in this respect, or newspapers printed from the same press.  

Ive been going back to the DSM a lot lately.  She fits every criteria except for the suicide, although she’s been there too “in the past”.  I’m fully expecting it to come up again now that I’ve taken a new job.  She’s uBPD.  In terms of co-ocurring disorders, she has many - anxiety, depression, adhd, ptsd, eatind disorder, and I think she could also be  narcissistic.  That’s a lot to hold together at 85.  Unrelated to BPD,  she is also now diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment.  

I’ve  asked both her family doctor and the elderly services consultant for a geriatric psych assessment for her.  I don’t think it will happen.  I didn’t get anything concrete back from them after my request. Meanwhile, she’s “competent”.  

The job recruitment and offer came at a good time. 

[Notwendy]

Although my mother has a psych history- I don't know if she has a diagnosis from them. She'd not ever reveal it. In addition, she's usually gone by associated ones such as depression, anxiety. It wasn't until she had home health help and social work involved - and they have been able to interact with her over a period of time that the BPD patterns became noticeable to them. The social worker is quite savvy and experienced and from her observations and reports from her helpers, she has confirmed it is BPD to me ( she has consent to speak to me) but it's not a diagnosis presented to my mother, she'd deny that.

The definition of legally competent is different from mental illness. I think one would need to be obviously disconnected from reality most of the time to be deemed incompetent. When my mother is motivated, she can be quite "with it" and could answer these. The issue with borderline is that sometimes they are dissociated, but they can pull it together when they need to. Your mother may not be able to answer some of the memory questions possibly.

https://saclaw.org/articles/determining-competency-sign-durable-power-of-attorney/

[GaGrl]

Methuen, you've had a long and successful career in your field. One reply to your mother, when she expects you to take care of her rather than work in your area of competency, might be, "Mother, I'm not trained for the medical care you need." Then repeat, ad infinitum nauseum...

(I wasn't trained for my mom's medical care either, but she had a 5x a week Certified Nursing Assistant coming to our house.)

[Cat Familiar]

Can totally relate about our mothers being cut from the same cookie cutter.

My mother was rude and uncooperative with home helpers. One of them was able to ignore it and just read her book, while still cooking for my mother and bathing her. Others were totally flustered.

The line for me was when she spent hours sitting outside on a hot day at the house next door, thinking it was her house and she’d locked herself out.

I secured a placement at a dementia care facility, loaded her in the car, drove her there, and dropped her off. I felt terrible about it.

Surprisingly, she loved it. Her personality totally changed. She had a great time with the other residents and rather ignored me when I showed up to visit her. I became irrelevant in her world, which was fine with me.

[Methuen]

The definition of legally competent is different from mental illness. I think one would need to be obviously disconnected from reality most of the time to be deemed incompetent.

You are absolutely right.  CatFam gave the example of her mother sitting outside the locked house next door in the hot sun, thinking it was her house.  I can see that is a pretty clear line in the sand.

I think I got a bit stuck knowing that my mom doesn't and can't comprehend or understand or predict the consequences of her own decisions.  From where I am in my current situation with her, she lacks competence to make decisions about her health that keep her safe. There is a lifetime supply of stories.  One of her physio's from her last fall a year back, explained it as mom's brain not being wired up to do that.  That connected the dots for me as I understand how the brain works to a certain level.  I had just never applied it to my mom.  But knowing that my mom has always had trouble with her executive functioning on some levels, and being an observer to how it has gotten worse over these past few years, I was going down the road of thinking that she can't predict or understand the consequences of some of her decisions (especially with regards to her health), so how can she have competence to make decisions about her health?  Her decisions are completely irrational.  I was interpreting that as having questionable competence, because I also know her well enough to believe she is not safe living alone.

She refuses to try a new prescription for Cinimet to give her relief of her Parkinson's symptoms. If the medication turned out to be effective for her, she could try knitting again, and doing her other crafts, all of which she has had to give up.  I think she refuses to try it because it would be an admission of having Parkinson's.  She claims her shaking is from "old age".  Presumably, this is a lack of judgement (executive functioning), but it's not legal incompetence.  She refuses to wear her Lifeline in her house despite the fact that she has had multiple falls and broken bones.  If she fell in her home, and couldn't get up, she wouldn't be able to call for help without her Lifeline.  She just always says she won't fall again, and refuses to wear it.  There is a pattern of this kind of poor decision making.  She has never been able to predict consequences, or think ahead to make good decisions (even when she was young).  She has been accident prone her whole life because of this.  I always felt it was my job to keep her safe.  I think this affects her competency to live alone in a safe environment now that she is so frail and with so many health problems.  But it doesn't make her legally incompetent...have I got that right?

She doesn't break with reality.  She doesn't think the house next door is hers.  She doesn't have psychotic breaks.

In the end, she will blame me and say I didn't take care of her, and don't love her.

[Turkish]

Executive dysfunction is one of the hallmarks of BPD.

From what you write, it sounds like to me that your mother is indeed in the verge or at the point of legal incompetence, unable to take care of herself and is a danger to herself.

In the end, she will blame me and say I didn't take care of her, and don't love her.

She may blame you, but she will no matter what you do. You've bent over backwards to take care of her. That she's refusing to take care of herself in the slightest matters even isn't on your court. That isn't even on you, but all of the professionals that have helped.

[Notwendy]

Turkish is right, she's going to blame you no matter what.

I don't think these are decisions we will feel 100% good about ourselves, but it's a measure of the impact of both choices- take care of mother while she's abusive, have no boundaries- or do what we can, have boundaries. In addition, your mother is not doing for herself what she's able to do- allow home health to assist her.

One factor with my parents when my father was ill, is that it seemed they had no awareness of my own basic needs. Didn't care if I slept when I was there or not ( I stopped staying with them after that as I needed to sleep uninterrupted). Didn't seem to care that I had to leave my own family to go help them. Didn't acknowledge that I tried to help, but BPD got angry when I could not be available.

With my mother, the focus is not what I do for her, it's on what I didn't or if I did something it was somehow wrong or the wrong way.

Take care of you Methuen, do what you can. It hurts to be blamed, but it's a pattern.

[kells76]

I almost hate to suggest this, but can you have hidden cameras installed in her home?

Nobody is being helped by her not getting next level care. Not her, not you.

Whatever is going on with her, YOU are seeing it, but next-level help is not.

Can you video how she does without you, and show it to... someone?

I get that it might be shaky ground, legally/ethically...

but maybe, you install the cameras "so you can help keep her safe when you're not around"? and then if the cameras happen to capture her not being able to live independently... ?

The way things are going is not sustainable... you know that the most of any of us.

hugs,

kells76

[Methuen]

Thanks everyone.  Lots to think about.  Feeling the stress.  Doing a lot of self-care.  The distance after the blowout has helped, but now she's sending me texts, and I am looking for some much needed feedback to the reply I'm crafting.

Mom's meltdown was on Friday.  She sent a few texts over the weekend.  I responded to some of them on my timeline (as they were about her eye prescription), but not to others.  I am not including all of them here to save everyone's time. 

Text "a":
“I feel very sad about our last visit to Dr   (opthalmologist).  I have tried so hard not to be a burden to you.  So many times you have mentioned I have so many friends and they could take me.  I have trusted you implicitly. I want to feel like we care about each other.  We need to straighten some of our feelings.  It’s the little things in life that count.”

I did not respond to this text.

Text "b":
"Let me know when you are coming into town so we can share our feelings, otherwise we will end up like ______ (her sister) and _______ (her sister’s daughter).”

My cousin (her sister’s daughter) has been no contact with her mother for about a decade now.  So mom is thinking about that.

I want to respond with the best response possible.  I am bringing her a prescription this afternoon, so I’m starting my reply with that.

My tentative reply:

"I don’t start work until next week.  I can bring the new prescription sometime this afternoon.
 I am happy to talk about anything you wish to talk about as long as it is respectful. The emotions directed at me on Friday were an attack.  If talking about feelings becomes unhealthy again, I will have to leave.   I’m hopeful that since the weekend, and some time to think back on what happened as well as think forward to the future, it can be healthy again. I look forward to seeing you."

Thoughts?  I’m trying to be brief, informative, firm, and friendly.  I don’t really “look forward to seeing her, but that is the “friendly” part. 

Thanks for any feedback before I send this.  I am open to any/all suggestions and a complete rewrite.  Just want to do the right thing.

She just texted my H in a panic that her phone isn't working.  He tried calling her and got "this user is temporarily unavailable".

I'm feeling so much pressure...