Broke NC - So Mad at Myself

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

UGH - I broke NC - I can't believe I even did it!  Does not matter though as she read it and blocked me... .

I had a weak moment and emailed... .

Has anyone else made this mistake?

[bauers220]

UGH - I broke NC - I can't believe I even did it!  Does not matter though as she read it and blocked me... .

I had a weak moment and emailed... .

Has anyone else made this mistake?

[Learning_curve74]

Of course we have, bauers220! We all -- and I'm not just talking about pwBPD -- are fated to make the same mistakes again and again until we learn what we need to learn.

What did you want from her that you couldn't find searching within yourself?

Please be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and give yourself the time and space to heal yourself... .You are worth it!  

[bauers220]

Of course we have, bauers220! We all -- and I'm not just talking about pwBPD -- are fated to make the same mistakes again and again until we learn what we need to learn.

What did you want from her that you couldn't find searching within yourself?

Please be kind to yourself, forgive yourself, and give yourself the time and space to heal yourself... .You are worth it!  

I felt the rejection... .I even felt maybe she would want to hear from me.  It was an awful moment... .and now I feel stupid cause the power ALL lies with her - and now I don't want to hear from her again... .it was only a moment that I wanted it - and now I am back to hoping it stays NC... .make sense?

[LA4610]

i have the same problem man. i made contact too. i am one month out a relationship. this is super tough bro. i have never done addictive drugs, but imagine this is what it is like. this girl did everything to make me believe she was THE ONE for me and i was her knight in shining armor. like i said, it is tough.

[bauers220]

i have the same problem man. i made contact too. i am one month out a relationship. this is super tough bro. i have never done addictive drugs, but imagine this is what it is like. this girl did everything to make me believe she was THE ONE for me and i was her knight in shining armor. like i said, it is tough.

I hate how I physically feel when this happens... .I have to get my head on straight - this level of stress can be deadly if it goes on too long... .I can feel the toll on my body already and its only been a few hours... .

[LA4610]

dude, i have the same issue. i actually work with her so i see her weekly, but i dide text her last week. i got so nauseated i threw up 3 times. my anxiety is sky high, she/the whole situation consumes my thoughts. i will say, the only thing that seems to help is when i engulf myself in any type of activity.

you are not alone

[allweareisallweare]

Hang in there, Bauers, LA - it's hard because you did love these people despite behavior and  red-flags - nobody is a saint and all of that, but you shouldn't beat yourselves up and succumb to both regret and self-dislike.

It's a better day for me today, but I felt EXTREME anger the last one, two days where I sat down and raged within - and thought about what I WOULD rant at her in an email. I never seriously considered breaking NC, though, which stands at 7 weeks without a peep. It's almost as if ... .the further you are out to sea, the harder it gets to not break the silence - it really is a black hole, just nothingness where there was laughter and light.

I'm lucky in one sense because she lives several countries away, so it's not like I could take a bus/train to her house BUT because of the world wide web, any hour of any day, I could pick up that loaded gun just like you guys have... .but I won't, I won't contact her.

LA I feel for you in particular since you have to work alongside her in some capacity - that's a whole new level of toughness.

Hang in, hang on, we've got you!

[peterparker]

We've got your back bauers. Just be patient with yourself.

The girl I'm sort-of dating right know nows what I'm going through. I set a deadline for myself: "I'm going to be over my ex by November 1st". Her response: ":)on't put a timeline on it. Don't pressure yourself like that. Give yourself time to heal at your own pace and do whatever you need to do to love yourself again". Smart girl.

I'm 3 weeks in NC. When I sent emails, when I got the smallest response from them, I realize in hindsight I was still in the FOG. I would get mini panic attacks even when I pulled up her instagram, FB or spotify profile.

It will take time, but it also takes self discipline.

Whenever I have the urge these days, I just focus on everyone else in my life and the selfless love I feel from them. Friends, family, even old exes. It's helped me to look at pics and other evidence of past relationships like "oh, this is what is what real love is" and to remind myself that what we had with our BPDex's was not a real, loving relationship. It might have felt like that in moments, but the key difference between a BPD relationship and a real one is that the real one lasts, the real one is consistent, and can weather storms, and we all here deserve consistency in the love we feel from someone.

[Accepting]

UGH - I broke NC - I can't believe I even did it!  Does not matter though as she read it and blocked me... .

I had a weak moment and emailed... .

Has anyone else made this mistake?

Last night I came as close as I have been to breaking contact with him and guessing at his email address. I just wanted to tell him I loved him so much. I came on to the forum instead and through all my tears I read the experiences of others on here and pushed myself towards taking panadol and going to sleep instead. I think it's just human to want to cave and reach out to them at times. It feels unnatural not being able to share with them the feelings you're going through. You hope there's a chance that they might be feeling them too and that they are waiting silently for you to reach out to them. All of it isn't healthy though. The silence and the push pull antics. It's all not what someone who truly loves you would be doing. It's best to see your break in contact as 'being human' and allowing yourself to have acted on impulse in that moment and not see it as a set back. Just see it as a moment in time which is now safely in the past and you're already moving ahead again... .towards a brighter, healthier, happier future. One day forward.

[Accepting]

We've got your back bauers. Just be patient with yourself.

The girl I'm sort-of dating right know nows what I'm going through. I set a deadline for myself: "I'm going to be over my ex by November 1st". Her response: ":)on't put a timeline on it. Don't pressure yourself like that. Give yourself time to heal at your own pace and do whatever you need to do to love yourself again". Smart girl.

Sometimes I like to tell myself "what advice would you give a close friend right now in this situation?" ... and then try to follow it. I know that I can dish out awesome advice and be there for my friends... .and I try to love myself enough to follow this same advice. Hard to do from being 'inside the situation and emotions' but wise if we can stick to it.

[peas]

Bauers, the feeling of regret and shame you have after breaking contact -- draw on that feeling when you think you want to break it again. But for now, what's done is done; move forward.

I am three months NC and it has been a struggle the whole way. But what keeps me from dialing my ex's number or sending him an e-mail or text or looking at his FB page is that I know I will feel a fool because he will not respond the way a normal person would respond. He would probably ignore me, like your ex did to you, or he would just be mean and tell me to eff-off all over again.

When he and I parted, he insisted I leave him alone. So I'm giving him (and me) that.

[willbegood]

Has anyone else made this mistake?

Numerous times!  I don't consider it a mistake though. I did what I needed to do to make myself feel better at the time. In the end, each time I contacted it she reaffirmed why I didn't need her in my life.

[Ironmanrises]

Bauers... .

I can understand you being mad... .

At yourself for breaking NC.

It happens.

Try and stay NC... .

It will only help you.

It will give you... .

That buffer space... .

To start healing... .

Away from the presence... .

Of your ex.

Every time I think about... .

Breaking NC... .

I picture this... .

In my head... .

As a reminder... .

Of how I was made to feel... .

The very last day... .

I spoke to her 3.5 months ago... .

When she left me.

Me... .

Tumbling from space.

Out of control.

I do not want to go back to that.

Hang in there.

We are here for you.

[winston72]

Ironman, your posts are classics!  And now photos! Yay!

Bauers…dude, are you kidding?  Asking if anyone else has made this mistake?  I suspect the percentage of people to raise their hands to share in your move would be really, really high…I am tempted to say 90% or more.  Be kind to yourself.

I would like to propose a thought about your post…what are we to think of the comment, "and now I feel stupid cause the power ALL lies with her"?  Does this matter in any way?  You were compelled to call, it resulted in pain and frustration, you are better informed, so what, learn grow, move on!  This is, of course, where we want to go, and is not necessarily where we are.  But, power?  Lots of people mention this and I certainly have felt similar things, but it does expose something about the underlying dynamic in the relationship; something about winning and losing and power and weakness…it is a revelation about something unhealthy in the original relationship and it is a mode of thinking about it that we might be best to move away from.

[Waifed]

UGH - I broke NC - I can't believe I even did it!  Does not matter though as she read it and blocked me... .

I had a weak moment and emailed... .

Has anyone else made this mistake?

Yep, don't beat yourself up.  It happens.  Who cares if she has the power. You are moving ahead without her in the future.

[winston72]

Waifed, you made my point much more succinctly!  Who cares?  Also, who keeps score…if it is us, and it certainly is, then we can declare the game over and no more score keeping!

[ThanksForPlaying]

Whether you emailed or didn't ... .Doesn't change your value as a person.  So don't sweat it.  In fact, even rejection or acceptance by a BPD doesn't change your value - you're still exactly the same person you were before you sent the email.

Think about why you feel differently after sending the email, and you can see that it's really in your own head.  You could text her six times a day, get no response, and FEEL miserable, but you're still the exact same person.  Or she could reply every time, you're still the same person.

Things that DO change your value as a person are going to the gym (getting stronger), going out with friends (building social skills), or even watching TV (learning something new).

We've all broken NC at some point.  Hang in there!

[bb12]

I hate how I physically feel when this happens... .I have to get my head on straight - this level of stress can be deadly if it goes on too long... .I can feel the toll on my body already and its only been a few hours... .

I hear that! My health been weird for a year. The same year I have had to wrestle with myself daily to not break NC! It's brutal stuff and minute by minute work.

I broke NC in May. Felt so angry at myself for weeks. Countdown begins again. But that feeling was enough to know I won't do it again... .Well that and the ongoing silence that greeted my lovely email!

I can know on a deep level that what I am looking for is confirmation I meant something to them. But if I mean something to ME I should not look there again... .I must learn what my heart and emotions are saying and not let the rational and logical side keep trying to make sense of a non sense.

There are good days and bad days. Just wish I could reach the stage where being dismissed to the point of non existence didn't sting. But as humans and social animals, this stuff goes to our very survival. Octricisation equalled death at one time.

It doesn't have to now

Bb12

[babyducks]

bauers,

I never really had the opportunity to go No Contact.   I see my EX quite regularly in public settings where I have chosen to not make a scene and act as if the situation between us is calm, civil and healed.

What having contact with my EX does is show me, quite clearly, where I am in my recovery from her.

Some days are better than others.   When I have a lot of other things going on,... I am particularly vulnerable to her.   Which makes me human.     And makes me want to concentrate on taking better care of myself.  H.A.L.T applies,  I should not let myself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.   Tired is very problematic for me personally.

Not contacting her,  and not engaging in the continuous drama, for me is an opportunity to practice emotional maturity.   And to funnel my emotions into paths that are more productive and healthy.

babyducks

[hurtbyboderline]

I was just thinking tonight; "maybe it wouldn't hurt if I answered just one of her texts or e-mails"... .Coming on this site makes me realize what a BIG mistake that'd be! I was thinking it had been at least a couple of months since I've seen her & Wow! It's only been 33 days... .N/C... .Haven't answered the phone when she's called. Haven't responded to her texts, e-mails or FB messages. Ignored her Birthday. I've let a friend listen to phone messages & delete. Only seen 1st line of texts, don't open & read. Only seen 1st part of FB messages. Haven't opened e-mails... .BUT this is the longest I've made it. I've done the same thing you've done before. Broken down & talked to her. She's always pulled me back in with sex... .Not this time, I left her 1500 miles away... .Thanks for listening... .zzz

[rags_and_feathers]

Whether you emailed or didn't ... .Doesn't change your value as a person.  So don't sweat it.  In fact, even rejection or acceptance by a BPD doesn't change your value - you're still exactly the same person you were before you sent the email.

I think this is going to be my new mantra... .very wise words!

[laelle]

I have caved in and emailed many times in my relationship with my ex.  I loved him after all. I fought against contacting him every day at first after we broke up.  After 8 months it has gotten much better, and there is only the occasional curiosity for his well being that pesters me.

It makes sense to try to heal your pain from the abandonment.  The problem is, you can not heal pain with pain.  Bringing a chaotic person back in your life will NEVER help your pain. It will only cause more. The only way to heal is by spending some time squirming in your chair... .wanting so bad to contact them, but refusing knowing that you are better than a life of servitude, criticism and hatred.  It is then that you begin to "get" that each time you do not cave in, you become stronger and you begin to stand up for yourself.

Crazy + Sane = Crazy.

Forgive yourself and let it go... .  You only give her the power by taking it to heart.  It was a compulsive action based on love and care for a person who can not love you back.

It happens... .

 Laelle

[human101]

UGH - I broke NC - I can't believe I even did it!  Does not matter though as she read it and blocked me... .

I had a weak moment and emailed... .

Has anyone else made this mistake?

Last night I came as close as I have been to breaking contact with him and guessing at his email address. I just wanted to tell him I loved him so much. I came on to the forum instead and through all my tears I read the experiences of others on here and pushed myself towards taking panadol and going to sleep instead. I think it's just human to want to cave and reach out to them at times. It feels unnatural not being able to share with them the feelings you're going through. You hope there's a chance that they might be feeling them too and that they are waiting silently for you to reach out to them. All of it isn't healthy though. The silence and the push pull antics. It's all not what someone who truly loves you would be doing. It's best to see your break in contact as 'being human' and allowing yourself to have acted on impulse in that moment and not see it as a set back. Just see it as a moment in time which is now safely in the past and you're already moving ahead again... .towards a brighter, healthier, happier future. One day forward.

Thank you for this.  I broke 2 months of NC last weekend and have been in a mess since. Your post gave me hope I can keep moving on.