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Vatz
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« on: December 21, 2021, 11:18:06 PM » |
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This site is a real blast from the past. My goodness. Okay, so I know I wrote some stuff back in February of 2021, right before the lockdowns.
Managed to stay in shape the whole time. That was pretty cool. Got the virus, survived. Got both vaccines, getting booster soon.
But here are the bigger ones. Around end of 2021, I started going to school for digital art. Namely my focus is becoming a Storyboard artist and for fun I'm learning animation. Started a youtube channel, social media and a bunch of other stuff.
Really Big News:
Got a diagnosis for ADHD. I noticed the problem when despite wanting to, I couldn't sit down to actually study for art class. The subject interested me, but I'd get up every ten seconds to pace and talk to myself. The catalyst was when I couldn't patiently sit and draw and it threw me into a huge frothing rage where I kicked my chair, punched my fridge, then myself in the stomach repeatedly. I spent a half hour pacing and screaming. I knew that I had a problem. Did some research, spoke to a clinician and they pretty much immediately clocked me as having it and prescribed me meds. Afraid that I was just being a hypochondriac, I asked what happens if I take meds and don't actually have the disorder and they explained I'd be even more energized rather than calm. So I started getting treated. That first dose, I actually relaxed. I was able to lay down, think straight without my mind rapid-firing a thousand thoughts a second. I felt okay. While some days I still get unfocused and I have to still implement strategies to stay on task, the meds definitely help. The main benefit is blunting my depression and anxiety. I don't have these rage-spikes where my thoughts race so fast in a spiraling negative feedback loop. I haven't self-harmed since I started taking them. All this time I've been operating like this. My academic problems, delinquency, violence and impulsivity started to make total sense. I'm so glad I'm finally getting treatment.
Biggest news. . .
I'm nonbinary. I finally came to terms with an aspect of my identity I've never even understood and have been repressing this whole time. One day while putting together a cosplay for a Dungeons and Dragons game, I decided I would also get some more feminine clothes and try them on. I'd been wanted to *try* drag for years (you know, as a lark, just for fun, right?) but never had the guts to do it.
So I got the clothes, got the wig, put on makeup and went out to see a friend perform at a play. Going out dressed that way felt more right than anything ever did. So, remember all that body dysmorphia stuff? I mean yes, I still have issues with little things but when I'm dressed up I don't check myself out due to anxiety, but because I actually like who I see reflected back at me. I took pictures with my friend and the person I see in those photos actually feels like the version of me I've always wanted to be. Or at least one that I like. I also started exploring what my intimacy preferences were and turns out I'm pan-romantic too, who the heck could have guessed. I'm also poly, or at least I aim for ethical non-monogamy. Also went on some dates with a trans woman who I makes my heart skip a beat. So all sorts of possibilities I previously wouldn't have even considered are opening up.
All that anger I felt, all that self-loathing and feeling like I'm in the wrong body just clicked into place. This relentless drive to be a "man" in the classical sense was never who I was. I just felt like it was my only option if I wanted happiness. That this ridiculous ideal I kept falling short of was the cause of my suffering and loneliness. But it wasn't, it was just me. Besides having big muscles (which I always DID want), I don't think I ever cared that much about being a man or traditional masculinity. It was only something I've been forced to care about by a system perpetuated by the prevailing culture of toxic masculinity. When I present more feminine I actually feel confident, I feel in line with myself in a way unimaginable before.
My point to all this. I think I'm finally healing. Last year the trauma lingered and I was sort of grasping at things. Looking back I can see that the wound didn't fully close despite being out of the relationship for five years. It took eight years after getting out but I think I'm healing, truly healing. Most of that inky, sticky darkness is finally coming off along with all the previously held attitudes, beliefs and narratives that only ever served to hurt me.
She's gone. She can't hurt me anymore. I can't hurt her anymore either. It was no one's fault. We were both suffering. None of what happened was a reflection of my inherent worth as a human being. The standards I held myself to were a lie, and not even something I wanted. Now I see that. This feels great. For the first time, I actually feel okay with who I am. I feel like now no matter what happens, I now know who I am, I have my dignity and won't let anyone take it. Not from me, and not from anyone else.
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