Removed money from our joint accounts--did I do the right thing?

[GoldenBubble]

Hi...borderline husband left 2 days ago and is staying in a local motel.  Since he paid for 2 days I assumed he would come home today.  I saw another charge for 2 more days on our checking account this morning so clearly he has no intention of returning.    He's not working, we are strapped for money, and he's not made contact with me at all.  I am the bill payer and primary breadwinner in the marriage.  So...despite being afraid it will enrage him I transferred all the money out of our joint accounts so he can't spend it.  I can't close the account because of outstanding credits/debits so I tranferred to my personal account.  I suspect he did this intentionally to set me up to be accused of "cleaning out the bank accounts" like his ex wife did.  Should I inform him of what I did to ward off accusations of theft?  Should I take the cash out of my personal accounts and store it in our home?

Please help--I am very frightened by this.  Why is he acting this way over our fight?  His actions are severely out of proportion to what transpired between us.  Why is he escalating what could have been over already?  I feel that he is trying to make me do something against him so that he can be justified in his victimhood.

Any guidance would be appreciated.

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[GoldenBubble]

I sent him this email so at least I have a papertrail proving that I wasn't "stealing" the money.

It's important to both of us to be able to pay our bills on time.  You have spent a large amount of money in the past few days that we needed for bills.  To prevent us from having a financial problem I have withdrawn the remaining cash from our joint accounts.  You can pick up your half this week during daylight hours.  I am monitoring our joint checking to ensure that no checks bounce.  Thanks.

I know he got the email but he hasn't responded.  I really don't understand why he is doing this.  I just know I need to accept this is part of who he is and accept that he will continue to do this.  Like so many have said 80% of the time he is AWESOME.  That 80% is what I don't want to lose.  I do hope that the limits I am putting in place and the mental work on myself is enough for me to find happiness while being married to a borderline. 

[Skip]

Ugh. Messy.  

Why not put the money back, put a hold on the account, and drop a money order off at the hotel so he can live for 3-4 days and ask him to contact you when he is ready. Also tell him you put a freeze on the joint accounts so that neither of you can take the joint money.  The other option is to take 50% of the money and tell him you took out your half.

[Wulphesse]

Hello GoldenBubble,

I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I have been in a similar situation with my H before, and I know how very scary it can be to worry that an already upsetting situation will produce longer term financial consequences and further undermine any sense of security.
 

As a result of a similar situation, my therapist suggested that I put essential bills in my name only and arrange to pay them out of my own personal account. That has helped to limit the number of bills I could worry about, but it also created a storm when I changed the billing.

Since I'm also new to the site, and I know the more experienced members will have much more helpful suggestions.

[GoldenBubble]

I own the house we live in and all bills are in my name.  So that's not a problem.  I just didn't want him spending everything needed for bills.  I will be OK financially going forward. 

I think when he runs out of resources he may contact me with a method of getting the money.  I don't intend to confront him.  If he wants me to mail it or drop it off I'm good with that.  I feel certain if we saw each other he would restart the fight.  I just want to get the money to him and get on with what I need to do for myself and kids.

My primary concern was protecting myself in a way that won't look like theft to a court.

[Wulphesse]

Got it.
That makes sense.

[Ozzie101]

How are things going today, GoldenBubble?

[GoldenBubble]

He overdrew the account (and now fees added) by -$141 and one of the hotel charges was declined so he most likely had to leave the hotel.  I see there is a charge for a liquor store so now I know what's going on.  I have an appointment with my counselor in an hour and then I'm going to the bank to close the accounts. 

With no money and no access to lines of credit I suspect he will be making an appearance soon.  I have no idea what to expect but I can't really let him use my house as a free storage facility for his belongings. If he doesn't want to live here I feel he should inform me and then move out in a rational manner.   I feel he is trying to avoid the pain of facing up to the mess he created as well as our marriage problems.  I compared him to a fugitive who is in survival mode and therefore feels he must take any rash action he must to stay alive.  Of course, this is all in his head as nothing here at home has changed.  I didn't tell him to leave, I didn't tell him I wanted to end our relationship.  His actions are making it worse for him.  He hurts me emotionally but he can't hurt me financially which is a touchy subject for me because some previous partners cleaned out bank accounts during the breakup.  My kids are annoyed by him but seem to be coping well.

I have been getting adequate sleep although my appetite is reduced to almost nothing.  But since I'm overweight I don't see any risk to my health.  I'm not using drugs or alcohol to cope.  Mostly reading, listening to YouTube videos (AJ Mahari right now), praying, doing my job and running my household.  What else can I do?

My motto is "Taking care of business."  Healthy or enabling? 

[Skip]

What he did was wrong. Obviously, this was a serious fight and he is taking space.

Of course, this is all in his head as nothing here at home has changed. 

That is probably a good idea. Maintain the status quo until this plays out.

I would take the minimum action to protect yourself and give it a few days.

It's upsetting when someone runs off like this.

[Ozzie101]

I agree with Skip. Keep things as normal as possible, but also protect yourself as necessary just in case.

In the meantime, spend time with friends and family and engage in activities you enjoy. Take care of yourself.

[GoldenBubble]

Had a great session with my counselor.  She actually knows my husband (he doesn't know her identity) so she has good insights into why he takes the actions he does.  I am coping well, providing self-care, attending to my duties and my teenage sons' needs.  The one thing I want to do more of right now is pray and meditate.  

I did go to the bank and closed the savings account but decided to leave the checking open.  I'm not going to fix his mess.  When he comes to his senses he needs to see the damage he has done.  We have a $750 overdraft limit so at least I know how far it can go.  He'll have to repair that damage later.  

I've decided to let him fall on his face.  This is about the 8th time he has done a "lost weekend" disappearing act in 3 years.  In the past I would overlook, excuse, and generally try to force him to shape up.  Sometimes I even took on more responsibility believing it would relieve his "stress".  No more.  I think that's why my "boundaries" failed.  They were attempts to control him. My co-dependent actions have made me very resentful towards him which is why I haven't felt love for him for over a year.   I know now that limits are for myself.  I will spend the next few days defining my limits.  I'll post them on the forum for feedback.

Thanks everyone.

[Skip]

Impressive self analysis.

What insights did your counselor share?

[GoldenBubble]

I think what made it so serious was him seeing my children step up to protect me from him.  It must have been shocking to him to realize (perhaps) that he is the aggressor.  I can imagine he feels a lot of shame and needs to numb himself with alcohol.  I'm trying to focus on one day at a time and not worry too much about what he will do next.  That is causing me a lot of anxiety.  There really isn't anything he can do to harm us.  Maybe he will end the relationship but that's his choice.  It won't be because I failed.

[GoldenBubble]

What insights did your counselor share?

My DH is a bit of a celebrity in our area (performer and recording artist) so he is widely known, his personality, talents, etc.  She knows him from that but also understands the religious system he grew up in which has shaped a lot of his thinking.  The system he grew up in was very shame-based so she's able to provide an interpretation for me because I didn't have that kind of childhood.  His system taught "don't admit to your sins or you will be shunned" and my system taught "cover up your parents' abuse or you will be blamed".  Do you see how those are both playing out in my current circumstance?  I certainly do.

[Skip]

Work with us. We can talk with you when you feel anxious. We can help guide you and be a sounding board.

Sounds like you have a very good therapist. That's a valuable resource to have.

So do you think he just floods emotionally (over loads), runs away, cools down, and then feels shame? Is it that type of thing?

[GoldenBubble]

He seems to vacillate between rage and shame.  The alcohol prolongs him returning to a less emotional state.  Of all the times he's gone off like this shame was always the trigger.  And he was usually still angry when he returned, making demands to know if I was willing to work on the relationship.  I now believe this to be a bid for reassurance but at the time I reacted defensively because I thought he was implying that it was all my fault.

[Skip]

Do you have a way to reach him?

[Forgiveness]

Hi Goldenbubble,

I really don't have anything to add but I am impressed with your insight and self-analysis. Let us know what happens.

[GoldenBubble]

Do you have a way to reach him?

Phone, email, texting, plus I know where he is staying.

[GoldenBubble]

Hi Goldenbubble,

I really don't have anything to add but I am impressed with your insight and self-analysis. Let us know what happens.

Thank you.  I hope I can use this knowledge to change my life.