From Goodbye meeting to emergency w/ ex

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Recently, my ex contacted me just as I had told one of her friends that I was leaving town and wanted to say goodbye.  There is a 50/50 chance that her friend told her but regardless of whether that happened or whether it was coincidence is neither here nor there.   She was playful with her message and acted like we had not been apart for awhile.  The previous contact was three weeks ago.   I realize how split we non's become by our BPD/narcissistic ex's/partners.  Part of me was excited to hear from her but then my logical side that had taken the stance to say goodbye won over.  I responded to the message and told her that i would only be around for one more week and that i would like to say goodbye.  She responded that she would like that very much.   We made a plan to meet for yesterday.  I was supposed to reach out to her and text her where we could meet.  She did not respond on my initial text for quite some time.  On one hand I thought that could be normal.  It was Sunday and maybe she was sleeping in? Maybe she was out to breakfast with her parents etc?    Then an hour later I got a text saying she was in the hospital and she thinks she had a heart attack.   

Of course i was concerned and wanted to see her.  Here i was trying to say goodbye and now she has a heart attack! I felt so concerned for her.  I did question myself as to whether the stress of my leaving caused some anxiety that caused this to happen? 

I was conflicted because I figured that she had already "thrown me under the bus" with her family due to how she was blocking me from seeing them.  I worried about going to the hospital because I might run into her family and not know how to handle that.  I wound up texting her sister and to my amazement her sister did not know about our status.  She said that I was a good influence on her sister and was sorry to hear that i was leaving town (that's when i asked if her sister had told her about us?). 
So I felt better about going to the hospital now realizing that perhaps her family doesn't know our status.

When I got there her parents were there and were very cordial to me.  I  looked at her and immediately realized that this woman is my kryptonite.  I say that because just looking at her made me melt. I was so happy to see her that it almost hurts (now I know where that song "hurts so good" by John Mellencamp comes from).   I went to her side and her parents took off to let us be with each other.   Her sister had left (which was unfortunate because i was hoping to talk to her). 

We exchanged pleasantries and I got information about what happened to her.  She was mostly like her old self that I had known when we met.  It wasn't until later that she baited me into talking about "us".  I had tried to hold a boundary for that but I realized how it happens.  She is able to lower my defenses and make me feel so comfortable with her that I open up to her.  I think in normal healthy relationships it is normal to be open with a partner so I can see how us Non's get lured in (or at least i can speak for myself in this regard).  After she was stroking me with positive words and admiration then eventually some conversation about where i was going etc came up.  I knew that part probably would.   Once i told her she acted like she had been available the whole time for me to get together with her.  She distorted how things ended and she even forgot about the phone conversation where she told me that she didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other.  Somehow, in her mind she remembered this totally different.  Not only did she remember it different she said, "i just figured you didn't want to see me anymore b/c I had told you that I didn't have the kids for 3 weeks."   I told her that I would like to set the record straight and that she had not told me that and that I didn't realize she had that much time.  I also said if communication had been better that it would have been nice to see her.  Anyway, i realized how much and to what level she  distorts when i'm not around. 

The conversation was nice and Non confrontational.  I think she is more Narcissistic pd then BPD now but has traits of both.  As the conversations continued we got to talking about what she was doing and she confessed to dating other guys.  She said she wanted to see what it would feel like to date someone who had money but that she wasn't attracted to.  She said it felt "icky".  However, she never said anything about missing me or realizing how much she missed me.  It's like she is afraid to be vulnerable with me and tell me that.  She must (guessing) feel that it would give her power away.  I said, "listen you can date who ever you want, we're just friends and we're not going out."   Then she told me that she isn't sleeping with anyone and doesn't want to but she just wants to date and learn about herself.  My brief reaction was (this is healthy to some extent and maybe she'll realize some things) but then she went on to say how she just wants to date and kiss other guys but not sleep with them.  I suddenly felt like she was treating me like a gay friend and not a former mate.  It speaks to her emotional immaturity and lake of empathy for a guy who she was close with and cares about her and is in her hospital room!
That should've hurt me but instead it made me realize how out of sorts she is.  She still has the uncanny ability to say these things but still be likeable.  Although she did complain to me that one of the guys didn't call her or text her after the date to thank her for the date or for the good time.   She also told me that her sister was driving her crazy and that's probably why she was in this condition. 

In summary,  I think i realized that I care about her but can never be in a relationship with her unless she got help.  She's funny, cute and magnetic but although she sort of admits she's nuts nobody else is allowed to tell her (including me).   After saying that her sister put her in the hospital then she wanted to call her after I left.  I think she tells people bad stuff about others to endear you to her but instead it leaves me wondering what she is saying about me behind my back.  The fact that she has kept me at arms length distance and then put the responsibility on me to contact her seems at the very least like the "distancer/ persuer" saga.   I wonder if alot of d/p relationships are because someone has traits of BPD?  I think the reason we feel split is because we get some healthy behaviors from them when we are around them but it's when you're not around them that makes all the difference. 

Not sure whats going to happen now.  I just want to remain friends.  i wouldn't ever sleep with her again unless she committed to being with me and even perhaps getting some help.  BTW because I was being more confident (in her mind) around her, she said, "who's your therapist, maybe I can get some of that".
She says it flippantly but I wonder if she really ever would consider getting counseling if she had the money?

[truthbeknown]

Recently, my ex contacted me just as I had told one of her friends that I was leaving town and wanted to say goodbye.  There is a 50/50 chance that her friend told her but regardless of whether that happened or whether it was coincidence is neither here nor there.   She was playful with her message and acted like we had not been apart for awhile.  The previous contact was three weeks ago.   I realize how split we non's become by our BPD/narcissistic ex's/partners.  Part of me was excited to hear from her but then my logical side that had taken the stance to say goodbye won over.  I responded to the message and told her that i would only be around for one more week and that i would like to say goodbye.  She responded that she would like that very much.   We made a plan to meet for yesterday.  I was supposed to reach out to her and text her where we could meet.  She did not respond on my initial text for quite some time.  On one hand I thought that could be normal.  It was Sunday and maybe she was sleeping in? Maybe she was out to breakfast with her parents etc?    Then an hour later I got a text saying she was in the hospital and she thinks she had a heart attack.   

Of course i was concerned and wanted to see her.  Here i was trying to say goodbye and now she has a heart attack! I felt so concerned for her.  I did question myself as to whether the stress of my leaving caused some anxiety that caused this to happen? 

I was conflicted because I figured that she had already "thrown me under the bus" with her family due to how she was blocking me from seeing them.  I worried about going to the hospital because I might run into her family and not know how to handle that.  I wound up texting her sister and to my amazement her sister did not know about our status.  She said that I was a good influence on her sister and was sorry to hear that i was leaving town (that's when i asked if her sister had told her about us?). 
So I felt better about going to the hospital now realizing that perhaps her family doesn't know our status.

When I got there her parents were there and were very cordial to me.  I  looked at her and immediately realized that this woman is my kryptonite.  I say that because just looking at her made me melt. I was so happy to see her that it almost hurts (now I know where that song "hurts so good" by John Mellencamp comes from).   I went to her side and her parents took off to let us be with each other.   Her sister had left (which was unfortunate because i was hoping to talk to her). 

We exchanged pleasantries and I got information about what happened to her.  She was mostly like her old self that I had known when we met.  It wasn't until later that she baited me into talking about "us".  I had tried to hold a boundary for that but I realized how it happens.  She is able to lower my defenses and make me feel so comfortable with her that I open up to her.  I think in normal healthy relationships it is normal to be open with a partner so I can see how us Non's get lured in (or at least i can speak for myself in this regard).  After she was stroking me with positive words and admiration then eventually some conversation about where i was going etc came up.  I knew that part probably would.   Once i told her she acted like she had been available the whole time for me to get together with her.  She distorted how things ended and she even forgot about the phone conversation where she told me that she didn't think it was a good idea for us to see each other.  Somehow, in her mind she remembered this totally different.  Not only did she remember it different she said, "i just figured you didn't want to see me anymore b/c I had told you that I didn't have the kids for 3 weeks."   I told her that I would like to set the record straight and that she had not told me that and that I didn't realize she had that much time.  I also said if communication had been better that it would have been nice to see her.  Anyway, i realized how much and to what level she  distorts when i'm not around. 

The conversation was nice and Non confrontational.  I think she is more Narcissistic pd then BPD now but has traits of both.  As the conversations continued we got to talking about what she was doing and she confessed to dating other guys.  She said she wanted to see what it would feel like to date someone who had money but that she wasn't attracted to.  She said it felt "icky".  However, she never said anything about missing me or realizing how much she missed me.  It's like she is afraid to be vulnerable with me and tell me that.  She must (guessing) feel that it would give her power away.  I said, "listen you can date who ever you want, we're just friends and we're not going out."   Then she told me that she isn't sleeping with anyone and doesn't want to but she just wants to date and learn about herself.  My brief reaction was (this is healthy to some extent and maybe she'll realize some things) but then she went on to say how she just wants to date and kiss other guys but not sleep with them.  I suddenly felt like she was treating me like a gay friend and not a former mate.  It speaks to her emotional immaturity and lake of empathy for a guy who she was close with and cares about her and is in her hospital room!
That should've hurt me but instead it made me realize how out of sorts she is.  She still has the uncanny ability to say these things but still be likeable.  Although she did complain to me that one of the guys didn't call her or text her after the date to thank her for the date or for the good time.   She also told me that her sister was driving her crazy and that's probably why she was in this condition. 

In summary,  I think i realized that I care about her but can never be in a relationship with her unless she got help.  She's funny, cute and magnetic but although she sort of admits she's nuts nobody else is allowed to tell her (including me).   After saying that her sister put her in the hospital then she wanted to call her after I left.  I think she tells people bad stuff about others to endear you to her but instead it leaves me wondering what she is saying about me behind my back.  The fact that she has kept me at arms length distance and then put the responsibility on me to contact her seems at the very least like the "distancer/ persuer" saga.   I wonder if alot of d/p relationships are because someone has traits of BPD?  I think the reason we feel split is because we get some healthy behaviors from them when we are around them but it's when you're not around them that makes all the difference. 

Not sure whats going to happen now.  I just want to remain friends.  i wouldn't ever sleep with her again unless she committed to being with me and even perhaps getting some help.  BTW because I was being more confident (in her mind) around her, she said, "who's your therapist, maybe I can get some of that".
She says it flippantly but I wonder if she really ever would consider getting counseling if she had the money?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey truthbeknown, What would you like to see happen?  Are you hoping for a recycle?  What happened that caused you to part ways?  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[truthbeknown]

Lucky Jim,

I think like alot of us I have an inner longing for the idealization phase to come back.  She still was quirky, stubborn and didn't always take care of herself in that phase but she was respectful to me and my feelings.  She was on antidepressants and after the love bombing (which i admit i was submssive to) she annouced that to me.  I thought at the time that i would see how it goes- it's not like i'm thinking about getting married.   For the first 6 months everything was fine.  3 things happened (as i've shared in departing from wounds section) that I believe tipped the scales. 

1. she got off anti depressants without anything to substitute
2. Her older son called her out on Superbowl Sunday and told me that she has ZERO empathy.   
3. my problems in the job market started in Dec of last year and were not getting any better.

With the AD's I suggested things but she just wouldn't accept them.

With her older son, I think she felt like she had to push me away because i knew too much.
She used my job struggles as the perfect alibi if you will.   It makes sense b/c alot of women won't date guys who are struggling financially these day.  But we had been going out 6 months already.

Fast forward to now: I don't believe she is capable of having empathy either.  Her son was right.  I was her biggest fan, her biggest cheer leader that she could rebound after being off AD's for awhile but last night showed me she is just a child in a womans body.  Like any cute baby she uses mirror neurons to mirror you so that our brains will go "look at the cute baby".   But i'm not buying it this time.   When we're together we're fine (sort've) except for her telling me that she wants to kiss other guys when I was there to support her.

So do I want a recycle ? No
She would have to make major major shifts and show me that she is working on herself to do that.  She doesn't invest any of her energy in helping herself except the occasional al anon meeting.  But I think she does that just for rightousness over her ex.

Do I fantasize about the first part of the woman to come back? yes but i can tell it's just a fantasy now. It the same problem porn causes.  IF we look porn for too long then it hinders the ability to tell reality from fantasy.  She was like emotional porn.  It seemed real with a real woman but they were just acting.
She was just acting.