Introduction

[claygirlcan]

Hello all! Two years ago she came into my life through work. We became close almost too fast and I enjoyed that intimacy. She opened up to me that she has been diagnosed with BPD since she was 13. I studied it, and continue to read up on it. I was there during panic attacks, hospitalizaton, random episodes, etc. However, in the past year I sustained emotional/mental damage. The roller coaster ride had to stop. By Christmas last year she said we needed to take a step back from being close like besties. This hurt a lot but in a few months, with self-care, and the support of other friends, I was fine. We reconnected and she even observed that our friendship has evolved; we would be there for each other. Last week I needed a friend, and I reached out to her asking for some quality time. She agreed to talk this week, and suddenly on the same day she springs news on me that she made a decision to not get in deep relationships with co-workers, to minimize work stress: "I can't be the kind of friend you want me to be. I'm sorry... ." Just last week she was thanking me for being there during a tough time at work, and when I need her she simply shuts down. I fought with myself about expectations and entitlement; after all, I am not just a colleague. What kind of friendship is she needing or wanting? I felt so vulnerable after that, and yesterday I sat in my bed in the dark unsure what to do. I think I need more support to cope in such confusion. My heart can carry a lot but I wonder if I'm in danger of another year of damage? I decided to join this group after purchasing an audiobook version of "Stop Walking On Eggshells". I pray for hope & peace through all of this, for me and my friend.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi claygirlcan, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily, I'm glad that you decided to join us, you'll find many members here that you can relate to, that can offer you guidance and support. Wow you sound like a very supportive friend,  I'm guessing that she may just need some space for a little while, a pwBPD have push / pull behavior, they'll push because they fear losing their identity in the relationship ( fear of engulfment ) and the distance will then trigger what they fear most, the fear of abandonment and they'll try to pull you back in.

What does "fear of engulfment" mean?

[claygirlcan]

What does "fear of engulfment" mean?

I saw this on that thread, and it is definitely an honest statement:

"The most important part of healing is turning the focus onto ourselves. I personally found it very helpful in my own journey to learn about BPD and its pathology. Not only did it help me make some sense out of the relationship itself, but it also helped me figure out what in me was drawn to the relationship. Learning how I fit into the pathology was a positive thing for me. It opened the door for me to examine my own core wounds, unhealthy patterns, and cognitive flaws. Because The Question will always be - Who are we? What needs were we trying to fulfill in these relationships? What wound in our soul were we trying to fix? How can we fulfill these needs and nurture ourselves in healthy ways?"

If anyone is familiar with the Enneagram of personality types, one shadow side is BPD. I don't want to go through the same hell my friend goes through every single day. She has professional help, meds, and CBT/DBT in her toolbox, plus us family & friends who care. But with your suggestion on fear of engulfment, is it possible my friend is struggling yet again?