What does it mean [to you] to take care of yourself?

[pearlsw]

Hey Everyone,

So when I was driving back from work I was thinking about self-care and how much I am dying to do more strengthening and stretching as I recover from some medical treatments I've had over the last months.

Also, now that my big trip is behind me and I am hunkered down waiting to see what the next 5 months have in store, and as I try to imagine a better future here or somewhere in the world, I wanted to focus on myself a bit.

There is a topic on the Tools page that is titled What Does it Mean To Take Care of Yourself?

So, instead of the self-care I had in mind to talk about I decided to think more about taking care of myself.

These questions are posed on the page:

Where does "taking care of yourself" begin?

What are some things YOU  can do to "take care of yourself" ?

What are some of the benefits of "taking care of myself" ?

Will it be worth it? the arguments, the guilt, the pressure?

Hmmmm. Tough questions for me.

Well, my SO, when I really look at it (and he's also been looking at it lately), has been dealing with depression for years. In the last months it hardly seemed worth doing much, aside from keeping an eye on him, to even try to keep a normal routine. His issues were just so large and eclipsed all else. Sigh.

I like to have a pretty aggressive fitness routine ideally, but I've gotten thrown off by my injuries and his illness stuff and I'm physically and mentally suffering around this. Sigh.

So, time to dig deep, and remember that I NEED & love exercise, in my way, in order for my brain and body to function at their best and to just feel less crappy and more happy.   For me this is both self-care and taking care of myself, if I can draw that distinction. I need to be able to live my life in my way despite his health stuff, or at least carve pieces of it back.

I was not doing things my way (in terms of exercise) because he was sleeping so much (and needed quiet), and was so clingy, and controlling even, and that just brought the emotional state of the household pretty low.

He does not like to do things alone, and gets very possessive when I do my own thing, but I am gonna ride my bike as I like, again. It's been awhile. There are great places to ride and I am gonna commit to at least two decently long rides per week at a minimum. Benefits: great legs.  Wish I could find a group that does group rides. If I was really cool I'd organize that myself, but someone has got to be doing that... .

I am also committing to finding at least one non-work outlet, to meet other people locally. I will give myself a 2 week chance to research this and come up with a way to deal with the isolation. In fairness to my SO, I grew up in the country as a kid, and both my parents worked, so I was at or near home a lot, but I had friends at school if not in my neighborhood. I like people, but I am very used to being a bit isolated, but he does tend towards... .keeping me under glass. Will it be worth it? I am sure I could make friends if I could just find a way to meet people that he does not sabotage via guilt, and if he does I am prepared to stand my ground.

I am also going to research taking some alone time this summer when his kids come to visit as all the last kid's visits for as far back as I can remember have... .not been great. Sigh. I want to enjoy my life for myself, and do the things I like. I would love to help with his kids, under a better set of circumstances, but he just makes it too difficult and I want to avoid the blind sense of duty and obligation I've had in the past. I am simply not going to give that much for so little in return and so much chaos.

I broke the news about this to him before my last trip... .that I didn't want to be involved in the entire kid's visit this time... .and he was hurt, but really had no leg to stand on. It's not about punishing him, I just want some happiness in this life and the best place to get it is from myself.  This could lead to a lot of backlash... .but I must focus on doing what I want, whatever the consequences/punishment that I may get... .

wishing you all happiness, pearl.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

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[Catlady3.14]

Wow pearl, I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now.
I  ,
You are so very open and honest and you always make me think and ask myself the questions that I really should be asking.
I don't know that I can answer all these.
Honestly, your answers fit for me as well.
Taking care of myself is getting my health issues under control and exercising to improve health. I have quit smoking again( for the billionth time.)
I told husband if he could not smoke around me I think I could stop for good. Surprisingly, he has put up very little fuss and has been smoking outside. This was a HUGE fight for us before.
I could take advantage of running or biking a few times a week. I could cut out soda. I could get back at finding a therapist.

Benefits for me are feeling healthier and more grounded. And a good example to my kids and husband.
It has been strange at the smoothness of taking back things for me. There is not much fight because I decided It is okay to be me and do and like and say and socialize.
I am faithful to my husband and I do the wife/ mother chores.
That is what I expect from myself.

Catlady

[pearlsw]

Wow pearl, I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now.
I  ,

Hey, hey Catlady! I'd love a big hug! How sweet!

So interesting, my SO has been in "I want to make everything right with you" mode lately. When I mentioned to him some of the ways he (intentionally or unintentionally) gets in the way of my health push he was very understanding and accommodating. I hope he can follow through.

I am much, much more interested in just doing all I can to get my health back in order and to feel a lighter and less burdened by his stuff. He is so hopeful lately about his life and about getting better... .I am not ready to meet him on that path... .After all the focus on him all these years I am more and more interested in bringing my life focus back to myself.

Any tips on how you manage to get any socializing time?

many hugs and best wishes for improved health, pearl.  

[Catlady3.14]

pearl,
That is good to hear, I hope he can follow through to help you the most.
Maybe your husband and mine have noticed our attention is more directed at ourselves?
I understand not being able to meet him on that path.

I have recently got back on Facebook... Sounds silly but it has helped me socialize with a lot of people I use to know.

catlady

Hey Catlady,

Oh nice!

I'm one of those oddballs who has never gotten into using Facebook. I do like Twitter (for news and odd stuff) and had to start using it early on for an old job I used to have. I actually do have a new contact there. Someone who found me I think... .someone who is writing a book on Contemplative Practice and sends me chapters sometimes. I may try to get some assistance/personal guidance from this source. I think it might bring me some comfort.

My SO seems more open lately, more understanding of my needs. We'll see how handles it in practice though!

I can't tell what he notices. He tends to get pretty hyper-focused. I prefer when is attention is not all on me! It gives me a little room to breathe!

warmly, pearl.