Thought I’d comment on this comment, because elements of it are so on the mark.


In my case, I got together with my BPD ex not long after my ex-wife decided to end our marriage. I was extremely vulnerable at that point, and very down on myself. And I was willing to disregard all kinds of “significant personal issues”. My BPD ex was in a financially disastrous state (actually facing eviction), her apartment was a mess (dishes hadn’t been washed in many months, etc.), her son was in rebellion, and she spoke endlessly of having been victimized by others. But I totally fell for her.

Then my ex-wife begged me to come back. And I temporarily returned to her. I did that both out of a sense of duty to my ex-wife and also because my BPD ex’s constant litany of her resentments/victimization really bothered me. But then I left my ex-wife and returned to my BPD ex. None of what I did in that period showed good thinking or decent judgement.


BPDs really do undervalue themselves – that’s very true of my ex. But our relationship didn’t really have imbalance in her favor. I was younger, had my life more together, would likely have been considered better looking, etc. Though with the ending of my prior marriage, I considered myself much more at fault than my ex-wife (I would now say that my ex-wife and I contributed about equally to problems in that relationship). My getting together with someone with BPD when I did was definitely trading one problem for another.

The NPD guy who pursued and got my BPD partner (ending our relationship) did so at a nadir-point in her life. Her son had become addicted to meth, suicidal, and homeless. And in the midst of that, I was gone for a month caring for a dying relative (and people with BPD don’t do well with being alone – especially in the midst of such crisis). So she was extremely vulnerable when he moved in on her. And he was love-bombing/idealizing her, and that was extremely powerful. Other than the fact that he was married (and cheating on his wife), he was the more attractive and accomplished “partner”. She definitely saw that relationship as solving her problems, but it actually left her much worse off (her mental health is far worse now), and she traded me – basically a decent guy who really loved her – for a controlling philanderer who can’t genuinely love her and is keeping her as a secret mistress. 

In my case, I appear to go for all kinds of crazy. My ex-wife was bipolar and alcoholic, and also suffered from impacts of childhood trauma. My recent ex had pretty severe (definitely not high-functioning) BPD. And the other woman I fell most strongly for had Dissociative Identity Disorder. Other women I've felt milder infatuation with also have all had significant mental health issues.

For me, it’s clear that it goes back to my childhood. My mother had severe BPD. And she was alcoholic. There was a ton of violence and abuse, including some sexual abuse. I was very much a parentified child, and much of my childhood was spent taking care of my mom. And I developed a strong self-sacrifice schema, where I feel compelled to take care of other people’s needs before my own. I feel like I need to rescue women in distress. There’s definitely what psychologists refer to as “repetition compulsion”, where I’m driven to put myself in circumstances that repeat my childhood trauma. In the case of the woman with DID that turned out semi-OK. We didn’t get together as romantic partners (even though I was strongly attracted to her), and I found a therapist for her, and she put in a ton of work to heal, and is now entirely free of DID. Actually, she’s now my best friend (and it’s a healthy friendship and I have zero romantic attraction to her). But I know the odds of a semi-OK outcome when I go down this path are minimal. I know it’s extremely unhealthy and I’m trying to change these patterns via therapy. I’m finding Schema Therapy especially helpful - one thing it focuses on is why we keep repeatedly seeking out the same types of problematic romantic partners.

itsumi,

A non-reciprocal relationship is draining and tough, and with someone showing traits of BPD, tougher.

It's great that you reached out for support, but membership and participation on this board are for members 18 and up per guidelinesThis is to keep minors safe.

There are resources of the type you're seeking. Please check out www.teenhelp.org and Resources for BPD Sufferers.

I would also like to encourage you to talk to your school counselor or school social worker about your struggles right now.  Having a person to confide in can be very helpful.

Lastly, you can glean info from the Lessons at the top of this board  

I wish you well with your gf.  Validation is helpful and it's a skill those of us here much older are still learning and practicing. I wouldn't also ever suggest to her that she has BPD and be mindful to encourage her to get help as it might trigger BPD shame.

Best,

Turkish

"and how I am 'refusing to let me get better' " ...

We often note that we can't fix the other person, the dysfunctional person has to want recovery bad enough to do the work.  While we could 'support' their process, blaming us is not the way to success.  Oh, did I write blaming?  Maybe we've gotten away from phrases we used years ago, but when I first learned about BPD it was also called a Blamer's disorder.

While at this point progress seems minimal.  But what if she does manage to turn her life around?  One of our early members had some insight that even recovery does not guarantee the relationship survives.


I'm just mentioning that there are no assured outcomes.  It may be better but will it be sufficiently better?  We hope it does turn out well for your relationship but also hold onto realism as well.

So my wife has diagnosed CPTSD.

I believe (especially since reading others stories on here) that she has BPD and maybe CPTSD.

Basically I experience all of the classic BPD behaviors and in our years together haven’t seen any behavior that would indicate CPTSD. I agree she had a at times crap childhood into her teenage and young adult years, but never any avoidance or triggering based on childhood memories.
Now I realize that these very often coexist and are based on some similar origin points but the one is a much milder issue of a mood disorder and the other is a disorder of personality and will take a lot more work to heal from and change behaviors.

So she’s been in an IOP for mood and anxiety disorders for 6 weeks now and although she reports ‘feeling better about myself’. I keep having the experience where she tells me: “I am treating you so much better, and I haven’t insulted you, put you down, or name called or accused you lately.”
I let her know that it is wonderful she is feeling better though her treatment, but that as good as that is for her, on my end I would feel seen a lot more if she were to ASK ME about my experience rather than telling me how much better she treats me.
This pretty much always gets an angry response and how I am am invalidating her, and how I am ‘refusing to let me get better’. Now, after this many years of her bending reality to her version of emotional thinking I at times find myself lately having trouble knowing if I am being reasonable. But I ran this idea by a few people including my therapist, that she needs to ask ME how she is treating me, not tell me how much better she is treating me. Which was a huge point of needed validation for me.

Earlier this week her and her therapist at the IOP had talked and asked me to come in for a joint session so the therapist could observe us interacting. Basically the therapist tried to slightly referee the moment but I was verbally attacked, insulted, called a liar over and over and treated in a way that honestly messed me up a bit for the remainder of my day. I think that the therapist let a lot of it happen just to get an idea of how things really are, vs. how my wife describes them.

But where I am stuck is that in 6 weeks shouldn’t there be some small improvements if it’s CPTSD? For BPD I would doubt based on what I am learning, that it might not make much difference yet. But if she’s suffering from CPTSD it is emminently treatable, in comparison to BPD (and I am guessing some narsissistic tendencies as evidenced by telling me how much better I am being treated).

Maybe I don’t have a well formed question yet and just need to vent.

And I keep getting these attacks where everything is a double standard, and every one of her issues is blamed on me, and I am accused of being the source of. Like the verbal abuse, I have spent our entire marriage saying things like: ‘no matter how you insult me I won’t insult you back’ but I get accused of being verbally abusive all the time.
Does this sound like CPTSD to anyone here? Maybe it’s both . . .

Hi Mom,

To start, I'd say that your daughter is showing some healthy signs:  she's able to get and keep a job, and she has a nice/kind/considerate side.  That's pretty amazing.

Yet I think she's clinging to victimhood status.  She's too ill and afraid to move out?  She's not too ill and afraid to work.  Just because she has BPD doesn't mean she gets a free pass to act like a kid her entire life.  She's an adult, and she's responsible for herself now.  If she needs therapeutic support to cope, then she should get it.  We all have our health issues, and we all are responsible for getting them taken care of, through check-ups, taking medications or maintaining healthy lifestyle habits.

Is she acting too ill and afraid because YOU think she's too ill and afraid?  Do you have doubts about her ability to function on her own?  Well then I'd say you have to stop having doubts, because your daughter is probably picking up on that, and she's using it to her advantage.  She is a 30-year-old, employed, able-bodied adult.  She is perfectly capable.  Just because she has BPD doesn't mean she's disabled and has to live in her childhood home the rest of her life.  Does she drive a car?  If she can drive a car, she can live in an apartment.  If she's truly ill and afraid, I would say that she should have her driver's license revoked.  Driving a car in that condition, she could be a lethal danger to herself or others.  Do you see how the double standard works?

Moving into one's own apartment should be exciting!  Imagine, having your own space all to yourself, to do whatever you want with it, getting peace and quiet or making a mess or listening to music without having to consider others.  Having one's own address, not a parent's address.  Being responsible for utilities, upkeep, etc.  Decorating how you please.  Not having parents monitor your every move.  It's a sign of adulthood, and it should confer some social status.  Be excited for her achieving this milestone!

It sounds like you gave her a year's notice about moving out, and yet she hasn't made progress.  I would warn her about the coming deadline.  I'm thinking you need a plan to reclaim your house in stages.  You tell your daughter exactly what's going to happen in your household in the next few months.  It might look something like this:

*Starting June 1, she pays rent to you for a bedroom, so she gets in the habit.  It's only fair, as you are nearing retirement (or already in it), and it's not in your budget to provide free housing to an able-bodied adult forever.
*Any rent that she pays you, you might offer to turn around and give back to her to help her pay a security deposit and buy some furnishings for her apartment.  But if she's not out by September 1, she doesn't get the rent back.  And any day she stays beyond September 1, she owes you double rent.  During that time, you would start the legal eviction process, if it came to that.  It's entirely her choice.
*Starting July 1, her the access to the rest of the house becomes restricted.  No more free food, free laundry, free internet, free TV.  Disconnect the family TV!  If she wants to wash clothes, she can go to a laundromat.  Basically you confine her to a room which she's renting, but disallow free access to the rest of the house, so that she feels uncomfortable, and her own apartment starts looking appealing.  Your reason for doing this is because she's an adult, and the time has come for her to provide for herself now--you are done providing for children.  That's basically what you wrote.
*You could offer to go apartment hunting with her.  You might say that every Saturday from noon to 3 PM you will devote to finding an apartment with her, until she signs a lease and moves out.
*On August 1st, she has to pack up and move out of her room to a different (inferior) room (or basement), because you are re-decorating her room.  You've been wanting to make a lady lair for a long time now, and you want to get started on it now (ordering a sofa, finding decorative items, picking out paint, etc.), so you can move into it on August 1st.  She can pack up her stuff in boxes in anticipation of leaving the home entirely by September 1st.
*Don't cater to her!  Don't make her meals, do her grocery shopping, clean up after her or take care of her pets.  Your job as caretaker is done.  If anything, she should do that for you!

In summary, since you are three short months away from the deadline, and you're not seeing any progress, you could start a conversation when you're both calm.  Explain how you're excited that she's about to get her own place, and you're wondering what neighborhoods she's looking at.  If she seems uncomfortable, reassure her that you know she can do it, but if she wants some company on the hunt, you're available to go with her.  If she seems argumentative, stay firm.  Reiterate the plan:  what happens on June 1, July 1, August 1 and September 1.

By the way, I recently converted a child's bedroom into a lady lair.  I wish I had done it sooner.  It's my favorite place in the house now.

Stay positive, be firm, have some confidence in your daughter and good luck!  If your daughter rages at the changes, just focus on looking forward to her moving out, because you're going to make it happen, even if she doesn't do it voluntarily at first.  The plan is actually more for you than for your daughter.  You get a lady lair, and you get your house back.  You need to make sure you have a plan, communicate it and stick to it.  It's your daughter's choice whether she moves out of her room voluntarily in one go, or in stages, or if she gets evicted.  But she's leaving (willingly or unwillingly) because that's your plan.

Hello everyone! This is my first post and I could use some advice. I have been in a w|w relationship with my girlfriend (pwBPD) for a year now and it hasn’t been easy. I knew from the beginning that she has childhood and relationship trauma and some ongoing mental health issues (as do I), and she didn’t mention her undiagnosed BPD until a few months after we became official. I had heard about BPD previously, and I started doing research on the topic so I know how to better support my girlfriend and take care of myself. I have always been supportive, compassionate, reassuring, and understanding. I have tried my hardest to create a safe space for her, but she has had trouble trusting me even though I never did anything to make her doubt my sincerity and good intentions.
There have been ongoing trust issues that have triggered my girlfriend and caused arguments between us. I have been getting better at setting boundaries with her and calling her out when she reacts with anger or when she’s treating me poorly.
My girlfriend has realized that my sister is a toxic person with narcissistic tendencies. My sister made a comment at karaoke night about my girlfriend not speaking Spanish and I stood up for my girlfriend and told my sister that it didn’t matter and that I can always teach her if she wants. This didn’t sit right with my girlfriend and it started an argument where she wanted me to talk to my sister and let her know my girlfriend doesn’t want to be near her and that she deleted her from social media, etc. She kept pushing me to have this conversation with my sister and I told her I felt pressured and to let me handle it when I am ready. She agreed to give me space to handle the situation on my own and apologized for pressuring me.
One month after that conversation, now April 2024, I made a birthday shoutout post for my girlfriend and my sister commented on it and tagged my girlfriend to wish her a happy birthday (it is important to note that mine and my girlfriend’s birthdays are two days apart). I was with my girlfriend when this happened and she showed me on her phone that my sister sent her a friend request. My heart dropped because I knew this was going to start an argument and it did. My girlfriend became so pissed off and told me that this would have never happened if I would’ve had the conversation with my sister when she told me to. My girlfriend said my sister was bullying her by sending that friend request. I had a trauma response and I froze. I just sat there as my girlfriend unleashed hell on me. I told my girlfriend I would have the conversation with my sister that Friday when I saw her. This went down on Monday. This wasn’t good enough for my girlfriend and I finally caved and told her I would have the conversation the following day. My girlfriend told me that I ruined her birthday. I went all out for her birthday and made sure everything from her custom cake to our dinner reservation was planned perfectly. I also made sure to buy her the gift she wanted.
I started the conversation with my sister the following day and again, I had a trauma response and I froze. I was unable to finish the conversation. My girlfriend accused me of being manipulated by my sister and that my sister’s apology wasn’t sincere. I became so stressed and overwhelmed by the situation and a streak of bad luck I was having in my life. My girlfriend kept nagging and nagging (her words) me to finish the conversation. She called me a coward and told me she despised me. I finished the conversation with my sister. Things only got worse with my girlfriend from there. She now says that I put my sister above her and that I have betrayed her. She keeps pointing out my flaws (things I am going to therapy for) and telling me that she finds me and my actions unattractive. I know that this situation has triggered her abandonment issues that stem from her childhood. I understand that this is one of the worst things that could have happened and I apologized for the role that I played, but I am not taking full responsibility. I unintentionally hurt her and we have not been able to move forward from it. Since this incident happened, she has been extra distant. She’s been extremely reactive and we keep going in circles arguing about the same thing. She’s told me that she has no empathy for me and that she feels completely detached from the relationship. She’s not only withholding affection, but she doesn’t want me expressing love towards her because she feels it’s fake. She’s also been withholding my birthday gift and told me I’m not getting my gift because she isn’t “going to reward me”. She also uninvited me to a vacation we planned last year, but she is still going.
This situation has also triggered me and I feel like I am in an abusive relationship from my past. I have been giving my girlfriend all the space she needs, but she’s constantly telling me that she doesn’t see us making it through this. I don’t know what to do or how to handle this situation. Does anyone have advice for me? Are we really doomed? I want to make things right and strengthen our relationship.
 

Hello SendingKindness,

You can do this! You know that the mean words she says are not really what she means. When I was able to contact my daughter after the 11 years of her cutting me off I emailed her, it was not a gushy one about me not understanding why she left me and how much I missed her. I simply told her facts I felt she needed to know.

When she blasted me in an email (telling me that everything that has happened in her life was my fault), I was actually pleasantly surprised that she bothered to even write me back. That was how I knew that Her words were not what mattered, but what she was really doing (even though she probably didn’t realize) was reaching out to me.
As I thought about it later it opened the wound of her cutting me off, but was necessary for my own healing. I often feel like crying, I am often in the Word and I listen to Contemporary Christian music throughout my days (YouTube on the tv) and these things along with prayer bring me great comfort.

The disorder changes the messages they hear and what they say, focus on the emotions coming from the person.
And of course you know to not even try until they are calm. Another idea would be to take baby steps in setting boundaries, only seek to agree on one thing at a time and record this in a personal notebook (For your eyes only-do not say anything about this to her), it will help you keep track of what she will hopefully honor as agreed.

Since my daughter does not talk to me, she is also high-functioning and has her master degree, plus she has genius IQ. I know that she can make it on her own, which gives me comfort and, thankfully she has not asked me for money since she refuses to talk to me, so that may be a consideration.

I’m not going to lie, as you have experienced before, it is heart-breaking and I don’t know how I would do with handling this if I did not know God. But it does allow to focus on your own plans and desires.

OurWorld

I had a similar conversation with my T the other day.  I am having issues that as soon as my uBPDh transfers back to a normal/happy mode with me, I do too, with no discussion on what happened (usually I have no idea), how I felt when he was in his mood, who he is affecting, etc.  I keep telling myself that I want to start a discussion to talk about what had just happened, but I keep "failing" to do so as I just go with his mood.  My T asked me in the past has having any sort of deeper conversation ever been beneficial to our relationship?  The answer to which is no.  She asked me why I thought it would be different this time?  Which made me realize that it wouldn't.  She suggested that, as long as he is not being abusive, I try to accept the situation for what it is and remind myself that (again as long as he is not being abusive) he is doing the best he can in the moment and asking more in the moment won't work. 

Thank you for sharing your story!  It was encouraging but it made realize I’ve got a long way to go with my own situation.

I’m currently trying to get my wife to recognize what is going without using the term BPD.  Instead I’m using the phrase “extreme emotionalism” in reference to her behaviors. So far she is denying it but I’m not going to give up as the goal is to get her into therapy specifically for this issue.

Thanks again - I’m glad thing progressing positively in your family.

No formal diagnosis, but I probably have those traits at least. Interesting theory. I think being neurodivergent reduces the potential pool of partners to begin with, as many neurotypical  people may be turned off by the  social awkwardness  that can come with being  neurodivergent. So, when a Cluster B type personality enters the picture and someone seems to finally "get you" and the the idealization with the love bombing starts, odds are pretty good you're going to take the bait.  I think the only antidote is more self awareness and self acceptance. If I knew then what I know now . . .