need some support: working hard for 2 years... tired now.

[rise_up]

I seem to be drawn to people with BPD... .and it's a scary thing i've just realized.

My mother- as I've posted before- is undiagnosed BPD and I have gained so much insight from this forum on how to effectively communicate using SET. Especially when the nuclear explosion occurred a few years ago when I came out to her as lesbian.

My ex partner - was full blown BPD. Immature, irresponsible and I ended up (with huge support) leaving and maintaining zero contact. She has been out of my life for 3 years.

My current partner - surprise, surprise, also has strong BPD traits. She has openly admitted to being diagnosed at 18 with BPD and Bipolar II. That should have been a red flag for me or something. But she was very transparent and told me she underwent DBT and other types of therapy long before we met. She has exceptional insight and (when she is calm) takes a lot of responsibility for her actions- mainly anger. She described what a horrible person she used to be in the past and I could clearly see that this woman is astronomically more mature and responsible. She also told me in the beginning of our relationship that she will not promise that episodes won't occur. I took a personal inventory and very intentionally made a conscious decision to move forward and grow our relationship. I had done a lot of personal growth myself.

Fast forward almost 2 years. She has had very dark episodes-rage, black & white thinking, numbing her sadness with alcohol. I have managed to be very understanding and we have done a lot of work together. She has cut back on her alcohol significantly and owned up to her issue. Also I have tried to understand her needs, even if they began as arguments and accusations of me not doing enough and being "too free spirited"- mainly to keep things in order, maintain calm and improve my follow through. She has also done well with sticking to my boundaries even though it's difficult for her to hear- for example, she knows that if she slams a door or cabinet that I will calmly say "I'm stepping out, I'll be back in 15 minutes".

We have SO much fun together when things are calm. Laughing, joking and lots of affection. I feel like my work has really resulted in a loving relationship. We recently got married and I'm genuinely glad about it. I am so in love with her.

I've worked through being called selfish and hearing "you disgust me" during her times of rage. I've worked on not taking it all so personally. Im just noticing that I feel SO TIRED these days. Like I've run a marathon.

I go out of town to visit family every 4-6 months. She has a hard time with that and we have have talked about how I just need to tell her when I'm going and returning, not ask for approval. This evening, I told her that I'm going to see my brother and his family out of state next weekend. She erupted on the phone since she was taking time off at that time to spend time with me because she has an intensely stressful job. She said I was treating her like sh!t and didn't care. When I apologized, she said "no you're not sorry. you don't understand me at all. my worst day at work you choose to tell me this." I didn't know her time off was a done deal. I guess I didn't communicate well. I feel bad for not doing this better. She came home and gave me the silent treatment for a few hours and is now in bed. I'm anxious about how the next week will go.

This isn't anything new. I'm just really tired and could use some support.

Thanks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Yep, one puts up with a lot to be involved with a BPD partner. It can be exhausting and there are often land mines where you certainly don't expect them to be. It sounds like you're doing well to cope with the occasional dysfunctional behavior and are enjoying the good times, but it's trying to have to be so analytical all the time so that you don't inadvertently set off your partner.

I, too, feel exhausted and will probably go to bed soon--undoubtedly before 8 PM. Take good care of yourself--you're shouldering much more than you would if your partner was a non. However, when they're showing their good side, there's something pretty irresistible about pwBPD.

 

[Grey Kitty]

  I hear you. Sometimes it just gets soo exhausting.

As for this coming weekend trip... .My thought is that she's pretty certain to be dysregulated whatever you do. Far better to be your brother than with her on her 'vacation' day.

No point in telling her that... .but perhaps you will find some peace in it