Feeling guilty

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

New here, and looking for advice/guidance.
I have been married to my husband for 20 years this October. We will not make it to the anniversary. After years of anger, control issues, with both escalating the past 6 months, I finally said I was done, and asked him to leave. It was time. The anger was too much, a daily thing, with total control over decisions, and constant walking on eggshells.  I only realized how bad it was when our daughter, started having her own opinion and independence, and so he started talking to her how he talked to me. As she got more independent, the worse he got. He did leave, and went to his parents home 2 hours away. After three days, he started texting, saying he wanted to come home. Most was due to the situation at his parents - no air conditioning, bad food. Only after two days after communication started did he apologize for the behavior and fight that lead to him being asked to leave. He asked his stepmother for money to pay off his debts, $6,000, so that when he went into the woods to end it, I would not be left with having to pay his bills. He would text about not wanting to 'be' if he could not be with me. I sent the suicide hotline information to him, but he said, just stop saying suicide.
I told him that he could not return until he went to therapy and I saw real change this time. Other times that he had left, he would always return as though nothing happened, only to return to the way it was. He would then complain that there were therapists down there, but they were expensive, and he didn't have a job, and no money.
The main issue was that he would never last more than a couple of months at a job, a year tops, at a job before he would start leaving either early or for all day, complaining, crying not to have to go in. Finally, I told him that he could work from home, and I would pay for the living expenses, he would just need to work a part time at home job for his money to use how he wants, and take care of the house.
Slowly over time, he stopped even the easiest of tasks, and would neglect care of the house, mostly outside. He would just work a couple of hours, complain about that for hours, and then sit around watching videos on facebook of people dying. If someone on one of the pages didn't like a comment of his, he would go and take a photo from their profile page of a member of their family, mostly kids, and then taunt the person. If I asked him to do anything, he would tell our daughter to do it.
The anger, and laziness was at an all time high on the day that I asked him to leave.
Anyway, after a week of talking, he made his way, mostly walking all day, back to the house, and with the police next to him, informed me that he had every right to be back in the house. He stayed downstairs that evening, and the following morning, my 16yo daughter and I went to the courthouse, and I was able to get a temporary restraining order. Since I had one 15 years ago from when he attacked me, it was fairly easy to get this one. Once served, he took some of his belongings and went to a friends house. Everyone that I mentioned it to, all said either it was about time, or what took you so long. Not one person was shocked.
I had to go back yesterday, to see about extending it. He showed up, and after saying that he was sorry about the incident, that it was a one time thing, that he was hot that day and not in a good mood. That the experience was humbling, and that he wanted to be back in the house. Not too much in regards to wanting to be in the house to work on the relationship, mostly just needing a place to stay as he would be homeless if not allowed back in.
The judge extended the order for three months, especially since he said that he had never been violent, that he had no money as my job was most important, and he never made any money. I reminded the judge that he attacked me years ago, so he has been violent in the past and that I would be afraid of him being the house as his actions that day were a regular occurance.
Once it was served to him at the courthouse, he stared texting friends that he lost the case, that it is over, that he loved them and goodbye. They all worked together to get the police to find him and they finally located him walking around and took him to the hospital. He does not want to go back to his parents once the hospital will release him from the mandatory stay, and therefore has no other place to go, and no money.
While I do stand firm in that I will be going forward with a divorce, and am meeting with my attorney in the morning, I can't help but feel guilty that he is homeless and has no money. I still love him, although not in love with him, but it breaks me that he has nothing. Everyone, even my daughter, keep telling me that this is his fault, not mine, and that he needs to work it out. I don't know how to get rid of the guilt. Once he gets out of the hospital, and if he does not go back to his parents, I will feel awful if he is out there roaming the streets. If he went to his parents, I would have zero guilt.
Is this guilt feeling normal? It killed me to see him crying in court, saying that he lost his family, but I just keep remembering all the anger and eggshells, and how we could have no other opinion other than his or hell out break loose, and that calms my guilt for a little bit.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[Betzalel]

New here, and looking for advice/guidance.
I have been married to my husband for 20 years this October. We will not make it to the anniversary. After years of anger, control issues, with both escalating the past 6 months, I finally said I was done, and asked him to leave. It was time. The anger was too much, a daily thing, with total control over decisions, and constant walking on eggshells.  I only realized how bad it was when our daughter, started having her own opinion and independence, and so he started talking to her how he talked to me. As she got more independent, the worse he got. He did leave, and went to his parents home 2 hours away. After three days, he started texting, saying he wanted to come home. Most was due to the situation at his parents - no air conditioning, bad food. Only after two days after communication started did he apologize for the behavior and fight that lead to him being asked to leave. He asked his stepmother for money to pay off his debts, $6,000, so that when he went into the woods to end it, I would not be left with having to pay his bills. He would text about not wanting to 'be' if he could not be with me. I sent the suicide hotline information to him, but he said, just stop saying suicide.
I told him that he could not return until he went to therapy and I saw real change this time. Other times that he had left, he would always return as though nothing happened, only to return to the way it was. He would then complain that there were therapists down there, but they were expensive, and he didn't have a job, and no money.
The main issue was that he would never last more than a couple of months at a job, a year tops, at a job before he would start leaving either early or for all day, complaining, crying not to have to go in. Finally, I told him that he could work from home, and I would pay for the living expenses, he would just need to work a part time at home job for his money to use how he wants, and take care of the house.
Slowly over time, he stopped even the easiest of tasks, and would neglect care of the house, mostly outside. He would just work a couple of hours, complain about that for hours, and then sit around watching videos on facebook of people dying. If someone on one of the pages didn't like a comment of his, he would go and take a photo from their profile page of a member of their family, mostly kids, and then taunt the person. If I asked him to do anything, he would tell our daughter to do it.
The anger, and laziness was at an all time high on the day that I asked him to leave.
Anyway, after a week of talking, he made his way, mostly walking all day, back to the house, and with the police next to him, informed me that he had every right to be back in the house. He stayed downstairs that evening, and the following morning, my 16yo daughter and I went to the courthouse, and I was able to get a temporary restraining order. Since I had one 15 years ago from when he attacked me, it was fairly easy to get this one. Once served, he took some of his belongings and went to a friends house. Everyone that I mentioned it to, all said either it was about time, or what took you so long. Not one person was shocked.
I had to go back yesterday, to see about extending it. He showed up, and after saying that he was sorry about the incident, that it was a one time thing, that he was hot that day and not in a good mood. That the experience was humbling, and that he wanted to be back in the house. Not too much in regards to wanting to be in the house to work on the relationship, mostly just needing a place to stay as he would be homeless if not allowed back in.
The judge extended the order for three months, especially since he said that he had never been violent, that he had no money as my job was most important, and he never made any money. I reminded the judge that he attacked me years ago, so he has been violent in the past and that I would be afraid of him being the house as his actions that day were a regular occurance.
Once it was served to him at the courthouse, he stared texting friends that he lost the case, that it is over, that he loved them and goodbye. They all worked together to get the police to find him and they finally located him walking around and took him to the hospital. He does not want to go back to his parents once the hospital will release him from the mandatory stay, and therefore has no other place to go, and no money.
While I do stand firm in that I will be going forward with a divorce, and am meeting with my attorney in the morning, I can't help but feel guilty that he is homeless and has no money. I still love him, although not in love with him, but it breaks me that he has nothing. Everyone, even my daughter, keep telling me that this is his fault, not mine, and that he needs to work it out. I don't know how to get rid of the guilt. Once he gets out of the hospital, and if he does not go back to his parents, I will feel awful if he is out there roaming the streets. If he went to his parents, I would have zero guilt.
Is this guilt feeling normal? It killed me to see him crying in court, saying that he lost his family, but I just keep remembering all the anger and eggshells, and how we could have no other opinion other than his or hell out break loose, and that calms my guilt for a little bit.
Any advice would be appreciated.

[ForeverDad]

We have a phrase here... FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

We've all experienced one, two or typically all three to a greater or lesser extent.

Recognize that it will take time to process and accept the new reality.  Search for and read about the five stages of grieving a relationship loss.  I believe Acceptance is the last stage but you can bounce around up and down the list too.

He is an adult.  He has consequences.  People expect adults to face their consequences.  While it is not as simple as just that, that is reality.

[I Am Redeemed]

There should be social workers at the hospital that can assist him with a plan for discharge.

If his parents are an option for housing that he chooses not to take, that's his choice. It may not be as comfortable as your home, but it's not the streets. If he chooses otherwise, that's not your fault.

It's OK to feel sad for his circumstances while also realizing that his situation is of his own making and not yours. You deserve to feel safe in the home you support and maintain.

[B53]

I agree with I Am Redeemed, he has choice of being homeless or his parents. What’s the difference between him living at his parent’s which he believes is unbearable for him, to him living at home being unbearable to you and your daughter. This goes on the list of things you can’t say to a borderline, but after he complains as to how bad it is living with his parents , I would want to say “I feel your pain”.

It’s is hard to see someone you love in a bad way, because us nons have empathy, something we seldom received.

Wishing you the best! Stay strong, you have a family here that will be there for you through this.