Is self-soothing enough?

[beinggentle]

Hi all,

For those of us who had an BPD parent/caregiver, or non parent/caregiver who was neglectful, abusive etc. I'm wondering how you feel about something... .  

One thing that's occurring to me this week is how my therapist appointments have been sources of mental and emotional comfort. I mean, I never thought about it this way before, but it's almost like she's a surrogate 'mom' for me. I feel like no matter what, I can trust that she's always got my best interests at heart, will offer me answers to my concerns that are workable (to her best ability of course). The thing is, after enough years of therapy behind me I know that the relationship will end some day soon.

What on earth am I going to do then? And even now, as my appointments are beginning to be spaced further and further apart... .  I mean... .  (and this is going to sound so totally stupid so I apologize in advance!)... .  who's going to take care of me?

I can't go to any of my friends with some of this, because the problems I still cope with the after-effects from are just beyond most folks ability to help. More than just listening I mean. And my dear husband, well good grief. He's weathered enough with this.

I know that a lot of healing requires self-soothing and learning to be able to rely on our own resources for self-care etc. But when the thing I crave is that guidance... .  is having to take care of myself all on my own again really going to be enough. I don't want to have to do that any more in my life! I feel like I did that for my first 30 years... .  It's no fair! I want a doggone mom! Why do I have to satisfy myself with feeling cared for and nurtured by another person only once a month and even that's just for the next year maybe, tops? After that it won't be anything at all. What am I going to do?

(sorry for the wee tantrum)

[ScarletOlive]

Hey beinggentle,

I think it's perfectly normal to want to cling to our surrogate parents. That need for guidance is something all humans desire. You deserve a doggone mom, nurturing and the caring of others. For now, you still have your T and you can feel that nurturing. Perhaps you can also look for a surrogate mom somewhere else too! Maybe get close with a grannie you know and feel her love in friendship.

Learning to self-soothe myself and accept that my mom wasn't going to be there was hard. My T suggested I have a funeral service for mourning the loss of the parents I should have had, and for mourning the things I did not get as a child. If my parents died, there would be a funeral and I would learn to self-soothe after that. Instead, they were alive but unfit. The unfairness of this was so overwhelming. I wrote all the things I was mourning on white rose petals. I took them to the river, dropped the petals in one by one, and then sat down on the bank and cried. Being able to mourn that loss was very healing, and brought a lot of peace. Maybe a ceremony would help you to feel that loss and allow you to move forward? Just an idea.

Safe hugs to you if you want them, and sending you much caring and support. 

[P.F.Change]

A T is supposed to serve as a "surrogate parent" for a while... .  it is good that you are able to have that level of trust in the relationship.

When the time comes for you to move on from T, you will be ready to care for yourself. Your T will probably gradually help decrease your reliance on him/her as you learn more skills to rely on yourself. You will be ready. And it's not like you can't check back in with your T even after you have completed your course of treatment. Many people do this. I have done. Try to focus on the present. You are probably giving yourself undue anxiety about something that may never happen. Trust that your T will know when it is time to release you. Trust that you will know too.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[beinggentle]

Perhaps you can also look for a surrogate mom somewhere else too! Maybe get close with a grannie you know and feel her love in friendship.

Thanks ScarletOlive, this is an interesting idea. I've always thought it was odd how senior centres need volunteers to help occupy the seniors time, befriend them. I mean, I get it. They need and deserve our support, time and care. But I also can see how maybe we as adults could really benefit from their insights and wisdom; their guidance. Obviously some are likely too old to be able to expect receiving emotional support from. But at the same time it seems disrespectful to them to think they have nothing left to offer our adult society; that they're just vessels now that need their to be filled up with reading, puzzles, games and stuff. I wonder if some of them find that mindless and annoying, and would like to be able to sit down and have mutually-fulfilling, intelligent interactions with some of us. To know that we need them as much as maybe they can benefit from our support. (not that the reading, fun time etc is pointless; just ... .  I'd think that some of them must get tired of only occupying themselves with that kind of thing?) Anyways, just an observation. I'd love to have a senior mentor. But I wonder if the seniors homes would kick me out for being selfish, at the thought of it.

You are probably giving yourself undue anxiety about something that may never happen. Trust that your T will know when it is time to release you. Trust that you will know too.

You're right PF Change, thank you for pointing that out. My T always says I tell myself scary stories that end up cranking up anxiety. And, you think my T will really tell me when I'm ready to go it on my own? I guess I always thought that I had to be the one to decide that. I don't want to have to be responsible and give her up.

Uck. Oh dear... .  thinking of this is putting me back to the time when I was young. Remembering feeling like I had to give up reliance on my mom because she was so tired of being a mom. Being a grown-up that didn't need her, for her, because she wasn't happy. Those feelings are so strong right now. This is weird... .  it's like i was angry, yet sad, yet resolved yet resentful. I don't want to have to be responsible and think of her needs. I remember her telling me, when she went back to work full time... .  'you don't want me to be'... .  (what was it... .  unhappy? IDK, something else?) ... 'do you now BG?' I couldn't say anything. Nothing but encouraging her was acceptable. It was so 'clear'. I believed back then I made her unhappy to be around. I had to do the 'right' thing and get out of her way because of course she was right to want her own goals and ambitions. (Which of course she had a right to, but it got twisted into being that I got in the way of them) I felt so GUILTY for wanting her to stay with me and have to give up her goals and ambitions. Oh my gosh... .  i'd forgotten that time; it feels like i'm there right now. It felt SO awfull. Wanting her to stay at home with me. And yet nodding that of course I didn't want her to be unhappy. Crap.

Anyways. Sorry. Went down a lousy memory lane there. And frankly, I don't want to have to be responsible and give her support up. Frankly I want to hide behind her for the rest of my life. But of course this all means is that I'm not likely ready to be done yet, am I?

Oh, and one last question mark. Do therapists really release us? I mean, have they taken some kind of oath that when their patient is healed enough to function well, they are obligated to let them know? They wouldn't just take our money forever would they?

Thanks all, hugs. BG.

[TeaAmongRoses]

I don't think there's anything wrong with needing people for support. Self-soothing is definitely not enough for most! We are social creatures and NEED to feel safe among other people. My T suggested I get into a relationship because he could see that I needed more support and that at T is not enough! It isn't fair - you want someone there to support you who can enjoy your life together too. In the meantime of finding my current husband I also enjoyed a survivor's support group because that was a space where I could let all my emotional baggage hang out because people there could relate/had plenty of their own emotional baggage too. Likewise, people on this board are important sources of support. I think we suffer most when we try and get by too much on our own. Sure, it is good to find ways to self-soothe, but it is also okay to recognize we need each other too. I like it especially when the relationships can be very recipricol. My hubby doesn't like to hear about all my emotional ups and downs, but that's becasue he doesn't always know how to help me. I also turn to my sister and also experts out there for support. We can support each other as peers too. Hugs to you in your quest to meet the need you've identified! A very human one indeed. 

[P.F.Change]

As far as I know, and I am not a T, (good) Ts will not keep you in treatmemt indefininitely if you don't need it. A good goal is to get the client to the point where they have the skills to cope with life on their own and reach out when they need to. It's not healthy to keep a client dependent just to secure their ongoing business.

The unknown seems to be stressing you out. Why not just ask your T what her usual procedure is and how the two of you will decide you have completed treatment? That way you will know what to expect.

It sounds like you've uncovered a memory or two that will probably be good to process with your T, too.

PF

[Suzn]

BG look at this excerpt from a post of yours on your first day here. Do you remember this post and how you felt when you wrote it?

Anyways it seems to have triggered me and I find myself panicky and anxious now. Am I really obsessing about my health?  :)o I focus too much on myself? Do I make a big deal out of nothing because I'm some sort of hypochondriac?  I just feel shamed and stupid and like I'm crazy. What do I do to calm down right now. I can distract myself for a bit but I'm on edge and I can feel my temper and attention shortening. I'm so tired of this merry go round.

The very next day, here you are looking to work on you, already. You didn't have enough posts to get in the door here but you were knockin. That was only 9 months ago. Wow, how far you've come.  

Learning to self sooth is something that takes time, just knowing what it means is a big deal. My point here is you have been "searching out" solutions ever since you've been here and I doubt seriously if that will ever change, it's who you are, your a survivor. Imagine where you'll be a year from NOW.

Good morning! I noticed a section called 'Taking our Personal inventory' when I'm not logged into the site. It said that the contents was only available to members. I was curious and wanted to look into it. But when I log in, the section is not there. Could someone tell me about that... if it is an old section that has actually been deleted? Or if it is somewhere else or under another name?

Thank you!

BeingGentle

I understand your fear of your T not being there someday, when that day comes you won't need her. You have been on a journey of self discovery and self education. You see a T, you work on you and help others here and I know you read too. These are all resources that YOU searched out. This is all working towards self soothing and they all play a role. If for some reason you lost one of these resources you would have the others to fall back on. YOU are taking care of you, now, by involving yourself in these activities. This is what grown ups do to take care of themselves!  

[beinggentle]

Group hug, TeaAmongRoses, PFChange, Suzn, thank you all for your help and support. My T was able to fit me in for tonight. I'll do my best to bring up much of what we've talked about here. Thanks Suzn for reminding me that I do try to be fairly resourceful. I guess I don't see that much of a change (in me) between that first post and now... .  but I can see that I seem to keep looking for solutions to my issues. So at least I know that even when it's tough and I don't want to do it, something inside me will help me keep on trucking. I guess that's better than the alternative even if it does have to be up to me.

I will ask my T tonight though, about here ideas for where I can turn for some real-life guidance when I have a need for it in-between appointments (so that I don't wear out my dear hubby). Interested to see if she just says to call her. Who knows, maybe that's where I still am. Looking at this from a bit of a distance now, I'm interested that this whole craving for 'guidance' came up in me just since I had that bad conversation with my mom and sister. I wonder if something in me has finally accepted that I'll never be be able to be fully 'me' in those relationships; that they will never be what I need ... .  that I've closed the door on the guidance I did believe I was getting from them... .  just a thought.

Oop. Gotta run. Thank you all again, your encouragement means the world to me.