How to deal with the fact that you don't allow your (ex)BPD to prosper?

[HarmKrakow]

A relative simple question.

How do you deal with the fact that you don't want your exBPD to continue their lives so easily after you (who either broke up the relationship or got dumped) was left in so much misery and pain? I can only understand that some don't wish any good to their exBPD as they have hurted you so much, beyond any level of their own imagination and therefore don't understand our emotional (crying) behavior.

[ambi]

The more you detach, they less free rent they get in your head.  After a while, it ceases to matter what they are doing, good or bad. 

I was so tired of everything being all about him.  But, wouldn't you know, even splitting up didn't seem to change the all BPDH channel running in my head.  It takes time, working on myself, and getting things in my life that make me happy to get that channel to change.  I notice when I'm feeling bad, I flip back to the BPDH channel.  I suppose blaming him and being angry with him is a weird sort of coping mechanism for me.  I'm working on replacing it with something healthier. 

[HarmKrakow]

The more you detach, they less free rent they get in your head.  After a while, it ceases to matter what they are doing, good or bad. 

I was so tired of everything being all about him.  But, wouldn't you know, even splitting up didn't seem to change the all BPDH channel running in my head.  It takes time, working on myself, and getting things in my life that make me happy to get that channel to change.  I notice when I'm feeling bad, I flip back to the BPDH channel.  I suppose blaming him and being angry with him is a weird sort of coping mechanism for me.  I'm working on replacing it with something healthier. 

I seriously tend to do the same. When I feel crap, i flip back to my BPD gf and start to feel sad and worse and miss the good times we had. I start to cry, feel misery, stay in bed for 30 minutes and then go back to my normal activities... .  it's seriously behavior I would like to stop. 

[gina louise]

When I am too tired, lonely, bored... .  my BPD channel is flickering.

I feel very tempted to settle in and start watching... .  

But now, I have the antidote. the remote is in MY hand.

Rest, relationships with those I know and love-who love me back, activity... .  whether self soothing or errands, or simple busy-ness.

GL

[BleedsOrange]

She's a survivor- always has been. Plus, she's married. Easy peasy. I guess I'm lucky in that aspect. I have no reason whatsoever to worry about her.

[HarmKrakow]

When I am too tired, lonely, bored... .  my BPD channel is flickering.

I feel very tempted to settle in and start watching... .  

But now, I have the antidote. the remote is in MY hand.

Rest, relationships with those I know and love-who love me back, activity... .  whether self soothing or errands, or simple busy-ness.

GL

Does that mean a life of no contact with the pwBPD? Or even as far as complete neglecting? Cutting off phonenumber, facebook, emails, throwing away everything?

[HarmKrakow]

She's a survivor- always has been. Plus, she's married. Easy peasy. I guess I'm lucky in that aspect. I have no reason whatsoever to worry about her.

What do you mean exactly?

[BleedsOrange]

She is a survivor, she is very talented at it. I know that no matter what hurdles she may come across she will find someone or some way to keep her head above water- she always has. Even if I were not only to wish for her failure, there's no beating her. I have accepted that. Plus she is married, so her success or failure is not my problem- so I let it go. Finally, let me clarify. I have no desire for her to succeed in her relationship or her way of living. Yet, I dont wish for her failure. I don't wish anything. What will play out, will play out. There's nothing I can do about it, or should.

Dont get me wrong the anger and wishes for cosmic retribution were there, but eventually, through self-talk and meditation, I let those go, and focused on how much happier I am without her. I tell myself, nearly out loud that the things that happened cannot be undone and I am done thinking about them. I am done letting them effect me. I tell myself, because I still struggle with them sometimes. I tell myself, nearly out loud sometimes that she is married and her success or failure is not my problem. I tell myself to let go. Then I push it further and tell myself that I HAVE gotten over it and I just dont care. The effectiveness of self talk is real.

You dont have to wish them well. That is a virtue that is fictional. You can be detached by not caring either way.